Chipping ever away.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
I’m really not
seeing what the point of any of this is. I literally could not care
less about your sue’s feelings about her favorite anime characters
appearing.
seeing what the point of any of this is. I literally could not care
less about your sue’s feelings about her favorite anime characters
appearing.
[Yeah.
This is a pretty shitty first chapter, but I’ll try t make the next
one better. :) ]
This is a pretty shitty first chapter, but I’ll try t make the next
one better. :) ]
Or how about you
try to make your first chapter less shit first.
try to make your first chapter less shit first.
So
did you post your sue’s adventures in being boring to something with
a completely different summary and title for the lulz or what?
did you post your sue’s adventures in being boring to something with
a completely different summary and title for the lulz or what?
To completely baffle me, the reviews
reference it actually involving Droog. So the only things I can think
of now are that she deliberately swapped chapters later for some
inscruitable reason or she posted this by mistake then logged out to
fake review herself without glancing at the actual content.
reference it actually involving Droog. So the only things I can think
of now are that she deliberately swapped chapters later for some
inscruitable reason or she posted this by mistake then logged out to
fake review herself without glancing at the actual content.
[He
is of good height and is still growing quickly, he has good muscle
tone… Considering he spends a lot of his time playing Xbox with his
friends; R.L. and T.A. (their names will be disclosed later). ]
is of good height and is still growing quickly, he has good muscle
tone… Considering he spends a lot of his time playing Xbox with his
friends; R.L. and T.A. (their names will be disclosed later). ]
Okay,
your sentences are a disaster. I have no idea what the fuck that
ellipsis is doing there at all, and even if it wasn’t completely
wrong, the second half of this is obviously still part of the same
sentence, so why is “considering” capitalized? And just
don’t use semicolons. Or parenthesis.
your sentences are a disaster. I have no idea what the fuck that
ellipsis is doing there at all, and even if it wasn’t completely
wrong, the second half of this is obviously still part of the same
sentence, so why is “considering” capitalized? And just
don’t use semicolons. Or parenthesis.
The
point of strife specibi is really not so you can just have your
character pick up a sword and shield and boring their way across the
story and certainly not so they can use any other suitably generic
and dull weapon in its place. “Warrorkind” should involve
smacking people with warriors, not completely missing the whole point
and saying he has something whose sole purpose is to make itself
unnecessary and let him just use standard weapons.
point of strife specibi is really not so you can just have your
character pick up a sword and shield and boring their way across the
story and certainly not so they can use any other suitably generic
and dull weapon in its place. “Warrorkind” should involve
smacking people with warriors, not completely missing the whole point
and saying he has something whose sole purpose is to make itself
unnecessary and let him just use standard weapons.
[He
swaps his “Total BS” captchalogue for his “Inventory”
captchalogue (much simpler as it gives you full control of it, he
also had T.A. hack it so it could hold unlimited items). ]
swaps his “Total BS” captchalogue for his “Inventory”
captchalogue (much simpler as it gives you full control of it, he
also had T.A. hack it so it could hold unlimited items). ]
It’s
like the only reason you’re even bothering with this stuff is because
if you just ignored it and wrote the story with the character doing
whatever, you wouldn’t have officially stated that he had the bestest
one ever.
like the only reason you’re even bothering with this stuff is because
if you just ignored it and wrote the story with the character doing
whatever, you wouldn’t have officially stated that he had the bestest
one ever.
And
now this chapter ends without your sue doing anything but be
extremely boring and sueish.
now this chapter ends without your sue doing anything but be
extremely boring and sueish.
Oh
god you’re starting this before the game’s even out how on earth did
this seem like a good idea to you.
god you’re starting this before the game’s even out how on earth did
this seem like a good idea to you.
[L.N.-I
would bear his children!
would bear his children!
Damen-Whoa
now, reel it back in. Leave some for T.A.
now, reel it back in. Leave some for T.A.
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
L.N.-NO!
Damen-YES!
Damen-NO!
L.N.-YES!
Damen-Gotcha!
L.N.
BLUH!]
BLUH!]
Or
this?
this?
“Wow,
I love the opening of Homestuck but if only it were way more drawn
out, pointless, and had everything funny and interesting about it
sucked out,” said no one ever.
I love the opening of Homestuck but if only it were way more drawn
out, pointless, and had everything funny and interesting about it
sucked out,” said no one ever.
So
still no actual game, but now he’s getting dream visions that seem
like the KH opening where he has to murder things for his friend’s
dreamselves in a way that doesn’t seem to make sense with anything we
know of the game’s functioning.
still no actual game, but now he’s getting dream visions that seem
like the KH opening where he has to murder things for his friend’s
dreamselves in a way that doesn’t seem to make sense with anything we
know of the game’s functioning.
More
than halfway through what you’ve posted and only now has someone even
gotten the game. At least the characters are getting slightly less
irritating.
than halfway through what you’ve posted and only now has someone even
gotten the game. At least the characters are getting slightly less
irritating.
And
more dream fights followed by suddenly dreamselves awakening where
they actually should. Well, assuming you actually meant for the dog
to count as a player itself. But hey, Derse! That’s interesting.
more dream fights followed by suddenly dreamselves awakening where
they actually should. Well, assuming you actually meant for the dog
to count as a player itself. But hey, Derse! That’s interesting.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9073357/8/Homestuck-AU-Homebound
((OC carapaces, BQ, BK))
((OC carapaces, BQ, BK))
Huh,
so last chapter was being literal about this being the Black King’s
home. He should really be on Skaia, the war’s eternal and the
player’s entry just breaks the stalemate. Also I’ve no idea how you
think the imps blocking them from waking up with locked doors makes
sense.
so last chapter was being literal about this being the Black King’s
home. He should really be on Skaia, the war’s eternal and the
player’s entry just breaks the stalemate. Also I’ve no idea how you
think the imps blocking them from waking up with locked doors makes
sense.
And if just killing them was an option,
why would they mess around with the whatever the alt-universe imp
thing is?
why would they mess around with the whatever the alt-universe imp
thing is?
[You propel yourself up to the room,
dagger in hand. You walk over to the bed and move the covers,
readying the blade. Under the covers you see… Nothing except a
note. You pick it up and read it.
dagger in hand. You walk over to the bed and move the covers,
readying the blade. Under the covers you see… Nothing except a
note. You pick it up and read it.
Nobody fucks with my friends and gets
away with it you bastard, turn around…
Sincerely, The KoL ;P
away with it you bastard, turn around…
Sincerely, The KoL ;P
You hesitantly turn around and meet the
gaze of Damen, once again cloaked in light. With one fell swoop you
get decapitated. He captchalogues your head…]
gaze of Damen, once again cloaked in light. With one fell swoop you
get decapitated. He captchalogues your head…]
[You are now the Hegemonic Brute ten
minutes in the past. You are about to enter the Heir’s tower, you
have a bad feeling welling up inside of you… You are in the room
with the Heir. Simple, just the way you like it… You approach the
bed, safe in hand; you pull back the covers and see a note…
minutes in the past. You are about to enter the Heir’s tower, you
have a bad feeling welling up inside of you… You are in the room
with the Heir. Simple, just the way you like it… You approach the
bed, safe in hand; you pull back the covers and see a note…
Nice try idiot, look around, what do
you see? I’ll tell you, me, and I am PISSED!
you see? I’ll tell you, me, and I am PISSED!
Sincerely, The KoL Nice try Jack
You turn around and see Damen, he rips
your head off of your shoulders and captchalogues it.]
your head off of your shoulders and captchalogues it.]
[You are now the Draconian Dignitary.
You have armed barbasol bombs all over the base of the Knight’s
tower, he’ll have to sleep sometime… Oh, here he comes, something
is odd about him though…Ah, it’s that light… You detonate the
explosives when he gets close enough.
You have armed barbasol bombs all over the base of the Knight’s
tower, he’ll have to sleep sometime… Oh, here he comes, something
is odd about him though…Ah, it’s that light… You detonate the
explosives when he gets close enough.
BOOM!
Your head is knocked off your
shoulders. Damen somehow just shrugged off the explosions. He
captchalogues your head. ]
shoulders. Damen somehow just shrugged off the explosions. He
captchalogues your head. ]
Where to begin… The part where your
sue knows exactly what’s going to happen and who everyone is for no
reason? The part where he’s ludicrously overpowered? The part where
this entire sequence is boring as hell because you don’t even pretend
it’s anything but a chance to show how badass your sue is? The part
where this all just comes off as sadistic and no better than the
supposed villains?
sue knows exactly what’s going to happen and who everyone is for no
reason? The part where he’s ludicrously overpowered? The part where
this entire sequence is boring as hell because you don’t even pretend
it’s anything but a chance to show how badass your sue is? The part
where this all just comes off as sadistic and no better than the
supposed villains?
There is absolutely nothing interesting
in reading about a character where the author just states up front
they’ll win no matter if it makes sense or not. There’s no suspense,
there’s no sense of threat, there’s nothing at all to care about or
be invested in.
in reading about a character where the author just states up front
they’ll win no matter if it makes sense or not. There’s no suspense,
there’s no sense of threat, there’s nothing at all to care about or
be invested in.
[The pillar of light appears once
again, filling you with its powers. You suddenly feel omniscient… ]
again, filling you with its powers. You suddenly feel omniscient… ]
Or in brief, just everything about this
idea was terrible and you shouldn’t have done it. Also. Light powers
are luck, not be able to do whatever the hell you feel like to win
effortlessly.
idea was terrible and you shouldn’t have done it. Also. Light powers
are luck, not be able to do whatever the hell you feel like to win
effortlessly.
[Time skips forward a little bit. To
the time after the Dignitary was killed and all heads are
captchalogued.
You fly over to the castle and put the heads on
pikes in the courtyard. You place the last note on the Dignitary’s
head. ]
the time after the Dignitary was killed and all heads are
captchalogued.
You fly over to the castle and put the heads on
pikes in the courtyard. You place the last note on the Dignitary’s
head. ]
See. Dirk did this after growing up
dodging these guys and actually getting to know them. Your sue just
does it because you figure murdering people and taunting is badass.
dodging these guys and actually getting to know them. Your sue just
does it because you figure murdering people and taunting is badass.
So yeah. Slow paced, constant pointless
digressions that aren’t even funny, and painfully sueish.
digressions that aren’t even funny, and painfully sueish.
Also god knock it off with the script
format blobs, write your dialogue properly.
format blobs, write your dialogue properly.
But at least carapaces actually
appeared in it, so, there’s that.
appeared in it, so, there’s that.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8793471/1/Out-of-Orbit
(Jade (Dirk, Rose))
(Jade (Dirk, Rose))
So…why exactly
is there an opening entry where she’s discussing her kidnapping like
she’s writing in a diary?
is there an opening entry where she’s discussing her kidnapping like
she’s writing in a diary?
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Also, it doesn’t
make much sense for her kidnappers to have stripped her then put new
clothes on and given her a haircut, unless carting around unconscious
tied up girls is okay normally and only a problem if she’s easily
identified as the princess.
make much sense for her kidnappers to have stripped her then put new
clothes on and given her a haircut, unless carting around unconscious
tied up girls is okay normally and only a problem if she’s easily
identified as the princess.
And no, her being
on the street for five months now makes no sense. Even going with the
idea that when she was running around madly random strangers weren’t
interested in helping, after that point she should be able to find
some actual official she can explain things to. The fact the princess
is actually missing should be enough for people to consider checking
out when a girl shows up saying she’s that princess.
on the street for five months now makes no sense. Even going with the
idea that when she was running around madly random strangers weren’t
interested in helping, after that point she should be able to find
some actual official she can explain things to. The fact the princess
is actually missing should be enough for people to consider checking
out when a girl shows up saying she’s that princess.
[Nights
at a time she cried alone in the streets, or smuggled food in her
coat and ran off to eat to her pleasures. Least to say it was not the
best choices to go by, a woman was proper, not a savage! ]
at a time she cried alone in the streets, or smuggled food in her
coat and ran off to eat to her pleasures. Least to say it was not the
best choices to go by, a woman was proper, not a savage! ]
Your
grasp of grammar is atrocious. Get a beta reader.
grasp of grammar is atrocious. Get a beta reader.
[They
had the castle maid water Jade down to be soaked off clean from head
to toe. And they kindly washed her filthy mouth to rid of the dirt.
“Here you go. And try to stay clean next time, your parents
would not be so proud of you to hear about this.” ]
had the castle maid water Jade down to be soaked off clean from head
to toe. And they kindly washed her filthy mouth to rid of the dirt.
“Here you go. And try to stay clean next time, your parents
would not be so proud of you to hear about this.” ]
So
they’re taking her to the castle which no criminal ever comes back
from, but the maid is just chiding her for getting dirty and how her
parents will be disappointed about that. And then the maid coos over
how high class she talks because there’s no consistent tone here at
all.
they’re taking her to the castle which no criminal ever comes back
from, but the maid is just chiding her for getting dirty and how her
parents will be disappointed about that. And then the maid coos over
how high class she talks because there’s no consistent tone here at
all.
[God
it felt so good and earthly to feel clean again. It was almost like
she was treated fair enough again.. Which then popped an idea into
her head. She could tell them that she was the princess of Prospit!
That she was kidnapped and that she was well, and she did not run
away!
it felt so good and earthly to feel clean again. It was almost like
she was treated fair enough again.. Which then popped an idea into
her head. She could tell them that she was the princess of Prospit!
That she was kidnapped and that she was well, and she did not run
away!
But doubt arose when she knew that no one would believe her. Who
would believe a person from the streets, a person who was a theft,
who could pass by as any other regular person just because no one,
and she knew no one would know how the princess of Prospit was
supposed to look like at all.]
This
is idiotic. They know the princess was supposed to show up. She
should’ve shown up there as soon as she learned what direction it was
in. It doesn’t matter if they won’t recognize her, because her own
parents will and that’s who they’d contact to check.
is idiotic. They know the princess was supposed to show up. She
should’ve shown up there as soon as she learned what direction it was
in. It doesn’t matter if they won’t recognize her, because her own
parents will and that’s who they’d contact to check.
[“J-…
Ella.” That sounded stupid! Ella, was there any other name that
did not link to her middle, Elizabeth. No, be it that she wasn’t
creative enough to think of anything else under pressure. ]
Ella.” That sounded stupid! Ella, was there any other name that
did not link to her middle, Elizabeth. No, be it that she wasn’t
creative enough to think of anything else under pressure. ]
So
now she’s going out of her way to keep her identity a secret after
getting done lamenting that no one will know who she is.
now she’s going out of her way to keep her identity a secret after
getting done lamenting that no one will know who she is.
Don’t
center all your text, it’s infuriating to read.
center all your text, it’s infuriating to read.
And now I’m stopping. Sorry, I’m
sick, it’s late, the next story looks harder to review, so.
sick, it’s late, the next story looks harder to review, so.
Made it to almost the end of July.
OCs (OCs, BQ, BK, Jack, HB, CD, DD))
Jade (Dirk, Rose)
Technically, all of them today have
involved female POV characters!
involved female POV characters!
Wordcount: 2090