Now in the seventies…
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9481199/1/Inconsequential
(FOC (FOC, Lalonde))
(FOC (FOC, Lalonde))
[Mom swallowed and composed herself.
“Flowers for Algernon would make a better simile.”
“Flowers for Algernon would make a better simile.”
Melanie blinked. “Flowers for
what?”
what?”
Mom shook her head. “It…”
she said, trying to phrase the sentence without using a contraction.
Mom hated contractions. “It’s fiction,” she said, giving
up.]
she said, trying to phrase the sentence without using a contraction.
Mom hated contractions. “It’s fiction,” she said, giving
up.]
She could have repeated “Flowers
for Algernon” rather than using the pronoun, at which point “is
fiction” flows fine. She could have responded with just
“fiction” or “a short story” unless she’s also
incapable of speaking in sentence fragments, but in that case she’s
gone so far in an attempt to speak properly she’s actively flouting
how spoken English works. Also, she’s already used a contraction
before this, again where it’d be easy to avoid. If you just needed a
way to point out the quirk, having her pause to rephrase would’ve
been fine.
for Algernon” rather than using the pronoun, at which point “is
fiction” flows fine. She could have responded with just
“fiction” or “a short story” unless she’s also
incapable of speaking in sentence fragments, but in that case she’s
gone so far in an attempt to speak properly she’s actively flouting
how spoken English works. Also, she’s already used a contraction
before this, again where it’d be easy to avoid. If you just needed a
way to point out the quirk, having her pause to rephrase would’ve
been fine.
[“Because the world is going to
end in a few hours,” said Mom. “And that game is the only
way to survive it.” ]
end in a few hours,” said Mom. “And that game is the only
way to survive it.” ]
It’s nice to see a fic giving focus to
this aspect of the game. So far, though, your characters aren’t
making the best showing of themselves – not using contractions is
one of those stock things for smart people that actual people
generally just don’t do, and the main thing that stands out about
Melanie right now is some sort of inability to understand/process
stories in a way they’re meaningful, which sets her apart from anyone
reading this.
this aspect of the game. So far, though, your characters aren’t
making the best showing of themselves – not using contractions is
one of those stock things for smart people that actual people
generally just don’t do, and the main thing that stands out about
Melanie right now is some sort of inability to understand/process
stories in a way they’re meaningful, which sets her apart from anyone
reading this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9481199/2/Inconsequential
(MOC (MOC, Strider))
(MOC (MOC, Strider))
[Good lad, that one.
It was a shame he was about to die.]
[The best Martin could do for them at
this point was to give them one last peaceful evening with their
families. Ignorance, bliss, and all that. ]
this point was to give them one last peaceful evening with their
families. Ignorance, bliss, and all that. ]
[Yes, they were good kids. He would
miss them quite a lot.
miss them quite a lot.
He flipped the switch. The hall went
dark.
dark.
It was such a shame.]
This builds to be pretty creepy in a
way I’m not sure you intended. We know there’s no shortage of the
game disks, since lots of people sign up for the beta and receive it.
Assuming all session attempts generate meteors and it’s not solely
the main characters’ session killing everybody, there’s some reason
to not want anyone extra trying to escape, since the more people try
the greater your own chance of death is…but that’s decidedly a
choice, where you’re willing to eliminate someone else’s chance of
survival to improve your own odds, not an inevitability.
way I’m not sure you intended. We know there’s no shortage of the
game disks, since lots of people sign up for the beta and receive it.
Assuming all session attempts generate meteors and it’s not solely
the main characters’ session killing everybody, there’s some reason
to not want anyone extra trying to escape, since the more people try
the greater your own chance of death is…but that’s decidedly a
choice, where you’re willing to eliminate someone else’s chance of
survival to improve your own odds, not an inevitability.
[“It’s in the Pacific Ocean,”
he said. “No land there. Nothing for miles. I’ve even hired a
scout pilot. He got turned around some thirty miles from the site and
had to fly back. He said something about his sensors spinning.”
he said. “No land there. Nothing for miles. I’ve even hired a
scout pilot. He got turned around some thirty miles from the site and
had to fly back. He said something about his sensors spinning.”
Chiran furrowed his brow. “What do
they want us to do, drop it in the ocean?”
they want us to do, drop it in the ocean?”
“I’m not certain,” said Alok.
He brought up a window with several satellite images of the area.
“Here, examine these.”
He brought up a window with several satellite images of the area.
“Here, examine these.”
Chiran leaned in even closer,
squinting. He needed new glasses. “They’re blurred at the
delivery location,” he said. “All of them. Edited?”
squinting. He needed new glasses. “They’re blurred at the
delivery location,” he said. “All of them. Edited?”
“I’ve found no signs of Gaussian
blur, pixilation, discoloration, distortion, or anything else,”
said Alok. “The effect appears optical.”
blur, pixilation, discoloration, distortion, or anything else,”
said Alok. “The effect appears optical.”
“Optical?”
“It exists in the original
photographs. No editing done.”]
photographs. No editing done.”]
This seems pretty weird. I mean, why
and what does it add? We know Jade was getting deliveries anyway, so
if this is her, there was already a company able to get there. And
regardless, if it’s that important I’d think the company would do it
on their own to make sure it actually happens.
and what does it add? We know Jade was getting deliveries anyway, so
if this is her, there was already a company able to get there. And
regardless, if it’s that important I’d think the company would do it
on their own to make sure it actually happens.
[“It won’t work,” said
Chiran. “The world will to be destroyed. That’s what
they say. The game is incidental. Meteors will start falling around
six this morning. The game just tells players where and when. And it
gives them a way out.” ]
Chiran. “The world will to be destroyed. That’s what
they say. The game is incidental. Meteors will start falling around
six this morning. The game just tells players where and when. And it
gives them a way out.” ]
You know, I’m curious why they’re
suddenly being all open about this, especially to people they didn’t
give a copy of the game to. They really didn’t need to explain
anything, and if they felt they needed to hammer in how important
distributing the thing was, they could’ve lied and said it’d prevent
the end of the world.
suddenly being all open about this, especially to people they didn’t
give a copy of the game to. They really didn’t need to explain
anything, and if they felt they needed to hammer in how important
distributing the thing was, they could’ve lied and said it’d prevent
the end of the world.
[The last copy of the game sat in the
warehouse, just a few miles away.
warehouse, just a few miles away.
It could never arrive on time at this
rate.
rate.
Alok froze. Chiran’s breath was hot and
loud behind him. The idea he’d conjured was a treasure hot from a
demon’s forge, a betrayal that burned in his mind.
loud behind him. The idea he’d conjured was a treasure hot from a
demon’s forge, a betrayal that burned in his mind.
But what other option was there? And it
wasn’t as if anybody else was using the Sburb Beta Unit 0000-0-004.
No harm done.]
wasn’t as if anybody else was using the Sburb Beta Unit 0000-0-004.
No harm done.]
Hm. As a spanner in the works thing,
this is clever, but there’s still all the problems with the setup –
why didn’t they send it on their own, why didn’t they realize this
would be a problem when apparently they always know about problems in
advance, why didn’t either just get their own copy if this seemed a
real concern…
this is clever, but there’s still all the problems with the setup –
why didn’t they send it on their own, why didn’t they realize this
would be a problem when apparently they always know about problems in
advance, why didn’t either just get their own copy if this seemed a
real concern…
Plus it’s not actually a concern when
it comes to Jade getting a copy, so it doesn’t seem like there’s any
actual downside to him grabbing it or reason to make it specifically
the copy meant for one of the important players at all.
it comes to Jade getting a copy, so it doesn’t seem like there’s any
actual downside to him grabbing it or reason to make it specifically
the copy meant for one of the important players at all.
Ah, and disaster’s picking up nicely.
Hm. I guess it’s difficult to get into
what exactly the business must have been doing, but I find the idea
of the creation of a literal sburb black box at the center running
everything not the best – that would mean it’s on the planet that’s
about to get blasted by meteors, and theoretically could be edited by
someone running the client or transported into the medium if someone
entered while in the building, and it also means there’s possibly
some way to just destroy it in advance. And I guess it’s possible
it’s just set for it to be impossible for thing on the planet to
alter it, but at that point, why have it be there physically at all?
what exactly the business must have been doing, but I find the idea
of the creation of a literal sburb black box at the center running
everything not the best – that would mean it’s on the planet that’s
about to get blasted by meteors, and theoretically could be edited by
someone running the client or transported into the medium if someone
entered while in the building, and it also means there’s possibly
some way to just destroy it in advance. And I guess it’s possible
it’s just set for it to be impossible for thing on the planet to
alter it, but at that point, why have it be there physically at all?
[“The more time you spend near the
Box, the more directly you work with it, the more the world around
you…shifts. Though nothing was proven, most observers – myself
included – felt a distinct sense of purpose in it, as if it were
molding them to serve some unfathomable design.” Her voice fell
to a whisper. “Nobody was ever able to stand working closely
with it for long.”
Box, the more directly you work with it, the more the world around
you…shifts. Though nothing was proven, most observers – myself
included – felt a distinct sense of purpose in it, as if it were
molding them to serve some unfathomable design.” Her voice fell
to a whisper. “Nobody was ever able to stand working closely
with it for long.”
Melanie took a moment to connect the
dots. “You used technicians,” she said. “You had them
work on the Box so you didn’t have to. So whatever it did would
happen to them instead of someone that really mattered. That’s…”
dots. “You used technicians,” she said. “You had them
work on the Box so you didn’t have to. So whatever it did would
happen to them instead of someone that really mattered. That’s…”
“Harsh. And necessary.”
“I just don’t get how you kept at
it,” said Melanie. Her voice grew louder. “Did you
just…keep your eyes on your code? Remind yourself how ‘necessary’
those technicians were? Thank them for their sacrifice in secret? How
often did you have to remind yourself that it was for a ’cause’, that
everything was you did was worth it. That it had to be?”]
it,” said Melanie. Her voice grew louder. “Did you
just…keep your eyes on your code? Remind yourself how ‘necessary’
those technicians were? Thank them for their sacrifice in secret? How
often did you have to remind yourself that it was for a ’cause’, that
everything was you did was worth it. That it had to be?”]
This all seems pretty cliché.
For starters, her mom just said it’s
just impossible to be around for too long, so that’s a setup where
your long-term researchers outright can’t be around it for too long
no matter what, and where the best solution is to hire a lot of temp
workers and rotate through them fast since it seems like the
uncomfortableness is a cumulative thing. They aren’t even sure it’s
actually doing anything and they’ve had it around for quite a while,
so we can be sure it’s not causing any detrimental effects they can
measure.
just impossible to be around for too long, so that’s a setup where
your long-term researchers outright can’t be around it for too long
no matter what, and where the best solution is to hire a lot of temp
workers and rotate through them fast since it seems like the
uncomfortableness is a cumulative thing. They aren’t even sure it’s
actually doing anything and they’ve had it around for quite a while,
so we can be sure it’s not causing any detrimental effects they can
measure.
Sure, they’re exposing people to
something that does something to them (probably), but that’s pretty
much everything in the world. Sitting in an office is exposing people
to things that do things to them. They didn’t even have to lie about
it, they could have easily put in the contracts that if you take the
job you’ll be getting exposed to an unknown thing that may have side
effects of some sort they can’t measure.
something that does something to them (probably), but that’s pretty
much everything in the world. Sitting in an office is exposing people
to things that do things to them. They didn’t even have to lie about
it, they could have easily put in the contracts that if you take the
job you’ll be getting exposed to an unknown thing that may have side
effects of some sort they can’t measure.
And we’re talking about a company
that’s manufacturing the end of the world game and handing it out to
only a portion of the population, without any directions at all even
for those who get it. You’ve got a perfectly good ethical dilemma
right there. And if you want more, you have it in them not knowing if
the thing did rewrite their brains and is just using them. You really
don’t need the extra worker exploitation for the greater good bit on
top.
that’s manufacturing the end of the world game and handing it out to
only a portion of the population, without any directions at all even
for those who get it. You’ve got a perfectly good ethical dilemma
right there. And if you want more, you have it in them not knowing if
the thing did rewrite their brains and is just using them. You really
don’t need the extra worker exploitation for the greater good bit on
top.
This fic reminds me of all those
Exalted fanfics I read, where they spend all their chapters
introducing you to the characters and then it cuts out. This one cuts
out right before the mother tells the daughter the super secret of
how the mother’s betrayed her in some way.
Exalted fanfics I read, where they spend all their chapters
introducing you to the characters and then it cuts out. This one cuts
out right before the mother tells the daughter the super secret of
how the mother’s betrayed her in some way.
The final posted chapter also makes
me think of SCPs, where this is absolutely the setup you’d want –
if you’re worried the thing you’re investigating warps people, you
want the people actually studying the data away from that effect, and
doubly so if you think it’s doing so for a purpose. The only issue is
that their inability to figure out what it’s doing raises the
possibility it’s actually something incredibly awful they’re unaware
of, but given they didn’t follow SCP style containment and the mother
appears to be speaking personally of what exposure is like, it
doesn’t seem to cause obvious or lasting suffering to people exposed
and there’s obviously no physical effects since that’s the first
thing they’d be keeping track of.
me think of SCPs, where this is absolutely the setup you’d want –
if you’re worried the thing you’re investigating warps people, you
want the people actually studying the data away from that effect, and
doubly so if you think it’s doing so for a purpose. The only issue is
that their inability to figure out what it’s doing raises the
possibility it’s actually something incredibly awful they’re unaware
of, but given they didn’t follow SCP style containment and the mother
appears to be speaking personally of what exposure is like, it
doesn’t seem to cause obvious or lasting suffering to people exposed
and there’s obviously no physical effects since that’s the first
thing they’d be keeping track of.
As an actual SCP I’d expect there
would be something measurable, probably people dying in freak
accidents since the game’s primary way of dealing with extra
variables is to doom them.
would be something measurable, probably people dying in freak
accidents since the game’s primary way of dealing with extra
variables is to doom them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9554964/1/Of-Spades-Of-Hearts
(Slick (Snowman))
(Slick (Snowman))
[It
was stupid! Its must have been that god damn ring of hers. ]
was stupid! Its must have been that god damn ring of hers. ]
Aside from the
fact that “its” should just be “it” (you have a
lot of typos and grammar issues throughout this) I really don’t see
why he’d think the ring has anything to do with it. I know he goes on
to realize she’s still doing this even with it gone, but really, it
just makes no sense to bring it up at all.
fact that “its” should just be “it” (you have a
lot of typos and grammar issues throughout this) I really don’t see
why he’d think the ring has anything to do with it. I know he goes on
to realize she’s still doing this even with it gone, but really, it
just makes no sense to bring it up at all.
Dialogue is
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said,
never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or
“Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only
exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech
verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned,
never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned.
Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you
make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is
in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two
complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.”
not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,”
he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence
in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.”
If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi.
This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Paragraphing has
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not
to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means
you start a new paragraph.
[“All
you’ve did, done, and always WILL do is torture me! And for what?!
Amusement?!” He questioned ]
you’ve did, done, and always WILL do is torture me! And for what?!
Amusement?!” He questioned ]
“Questioned”
isn’t a catch all term for anything with a question mark in it. What
the police do when interviewing a witness is questioning. What he’s
doing here is barely even asking.
isn’t a catch all term for anything with a question mark in it. What
the police do when interviewing a witness is questioning. What he’s
doing here is barely even asking.
Also,
you opened with him saying he was aware of black romance and this
relationship in particular was one, so…not sure why he’s so baffled
by this.
you opened with him saying he was aware of black romance and this
relationship in particular was one, so…not sure why he’s so baffled
by this.
[“I…
I can’t torture you anymore… I just don’t… have in me what was
once there when I was Queen…” She laughed a bit more. ]
I can’t torture you anymore… I just don’t… have in me what was
once there when I was Queen…” She laughed a bit more. ]
So
the part where he betrayed her, made their side lose and got her
husband killed causing a new universe to be created while getting her
exiled to the desert…made her want to hurt him *less*? Really.
the part where he betrayed her, made their side lose and got her
husband killed causing a new universe to be created while getting her
exiled to the desert…made her want to hurt him *less*? Really.
I
mean, if you want their relationship to change it’s not impossible,
but you’ve got to explain it a bit better than saying that
post-betrayal she’s less into tormenting him. Say she’s changed from
when she was first in the desert, or first in the city, and slowly
come to hate him less from that point, and you could maybe work from
there to explain why her feelings have changed. But her not being
queen should really not make her like him more.
mean, if you want their relationship to change it’s not impossible,
but you’ve got to explain it a bit better than saying that
post-betrayal she’s less into tormenting him. Say she’s changed from
when she was first in the desert, or first in the city, and slowly
come to hate him less from that point, and you could maybe work from
there to explain why her feelings have changed. But her not being
queen should really not make her like him more.
So
yeah. You really need a better focus on your mechanics and in terms
of plot, to think more about why the characters are one way and how
to get them where you want them to be, instead of just saying they’ve
changed and calling it a day.
yeah. You really need a better focus on your mechanics and in terms
of plot, to think more about why the characters are one way and how
to get them where you want them to be, instead of just saying they’ve
changed and calling it a day.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9589617/1/Tick-Tock
(Doc Scratch (Aradiacester))
(Doc Scratch (Aradiacester))
I’m
not really sure what to make of this. You seem to be going out of
your way to portray the Handmaid as just disobedient and lazy for the
sake of it and Scratch as put-upon.
not really sure what to make of this. You seem to be going out of
your way to portray the Handmaid as just disobedient and lazy for the
sake of it and Scratch as put-upon.
[She
sat up and crossed her arms, “Your dishes aint goin anywhere
either you old-fart they can be done after I’m done reading this
issue! God you’re so pushy.” She stood up, looking him in the
‘eye’, “And care for me my soggy asshole! You just want me to be
all prissy like you!” ]
sat up and crossed her arms, “Your dishes aint goin anywhere
either you old-fart they can be done after I’m done reading this
issue! God you’re so pushy.” She stood up, looking him in the
‘eye’, “And care for me my soggy asshole! You just want me to be
all prissy like you!” ]
I
mean, this is a character whose entire life is getting abused until
they’re willing to obey and commit atrocities in order to finally
die, and you seem to be setting things up as if to justify the abuse
she gets in this fic.
mean, this is a character whose entire life is getting abused until
they’re willing to obey and commit atrocities in order to finally
die, and you seem to be setting things up as if to justify the abuse
she gets in this fic.
This is probably getting into the
problem with kinks intersecting with characters. The earlier one with
Rose was the innocent young girl taken advantage of scenario, where
the issue is mostly just that Rose is a poor fit, and this is the
badly behaved girl getting punished for it one, where there’s that
issue and also the fact that putting that scenario into any larger
body of work makes it teeter toward justifying the behavior in
general. If it was just two random characters doing porn for porn’s
sake, it wouldn’t be an issue.
problem with kinks intersecting with characters. The earlier one with
Rose was the innocent young girl taken advantage of scenario, where
the issue is mostly just that Rose is a poor fit, and this is the
badly behaved girl getting punished for it one, where there’s that
issue and also the fact that putting that scenario into any larger
body of work makes it teeter toward justifying the behavior in
general. If it was just two random characters doing porn for porn’s
sake, it wouldn’t be an issue.
Not sure what to make of this. I mean,
we actually do see them meet up in canon, and quite early on, so I’m
not sure what the purpose is in writing another meeting and this time
having far less interesting things happen.
we actually do see them meet up in canon, and quite early on, so I’m
not sure what the purpose is in writing another meeting and this time
having far less interesting things happen.
Also, if you’re writing a script, it’s
[Name: Dialogue], not [“Dialogue.” – Name] Mind you, you
shouldn’t be doing either on this site, so this really should be
written in standard prose.
[Name: Dialogue], not [“Dialogue.” – Name] Mind you, you
shouldn’t be doing either on this site, so this really should be
written in standard prose.
[A young seadweller lays alone in a
silent alleyway. She curls in on herself, trying to numb the
unbearable pain all over her fragile body. She could be no older than
15, yet her usually gorgeous lavender eyes were dim with agony.
silent alleyway. She curls in on herself, trying to numb the
unbearable pain all over her fragile body. She could be no older than
15, yet her usually gorgeous lavender eyes were dim with agony.
Your name is Jennah Cartha]
This is already looking amazingly
sueish and it’s just your opening lines.
sueish and it’s just your opening lines.
First off, she’s a seadweller, She’s a
the top of the social heap. None of the trolls seem fragile and if
anything, the higher bloods seem more durable, not less.
the top of the social heap. None of the trolls seem fragile and if
anything, the higher bloods seem more durable, not less.
Second, what on earth is that “yet”
doing there? What does her being fifteen have to do with her eyes
being dim?
doing there? What does her being fifteen have to do with her eyes
being dim?
Third, fifteen sweeps is very different
than fifteen human years. Six sweeps is the age of the initial troll
kids and it’s enough to make them equivalent to thirteen year olds.
That means just being twelve sweeps would make her twenty-six, and
fifteen pushes her into her thirties.
than fifteen human years. Six sweeps is the age of the initial troll
kids and it’s enough to make them equivalent to thirteen year olds.
That means just being twelve sweeps would make her twenty-six, and
fifteen pushes her into her thirties.
Fourth, if you did not mean she’s no
older than thirty, no, they’re not lavender. The dancesters were
older than fifteen human years and their eyes were still yellow. So
hers are bright yellow like everybody else’s.
older than thirty, no, they’re not lavender. The dancesters were
older than fifteen human years and their eyes were still yellow. So
hers are bright yellow like everybody else’s.
Fifth, what sort of name is Jennah for
a troll? You have the opportunity to actually name her something
interesting and you go with a human name?
a troll? You have the opportunity to actually name her something
interesting and you go with a human name?
Anyway. Let’s get on to the unfair and
constant beatings, all because the idiot took out an enormous loan
for unexplained purposes and spent it all on, I don’t know, glitter
or something. Again, seadweller, so not only should she have already
been wealthy and not needed the money, but if she did it anyway she
should have resources and connections to fall back on instead of
getting beaten up repeatedly while starving prettily. Failing even
that, she could just walk into the ocean because she can breathe
underwater and they can’t.
constant beatings, all because the idiot took out an enormous loan
for unexplained purposes and spent it all on, I don’t know, glitter
or something. Again, seadweller, so not only should she have already
been wealthy and not needed the money, but if she did it anyway she
should have resources and connections to fall back on instead of
getting beaten up repeatedly while starving prettily. Failing even
that, she could just walk into the ocean because she can breathe
underwater and they can’t.
At this point my best guess is that
despite her “near-royal blood” they’re so disgusted by the
fact she’s so pathetic that she’s slated for culling, and that’s why
she’s in a position that makes no sense for a seadweller.
despite her “near-royal blood” they’re so disgusted by the
fact she’s so pathetic that she’s slated for culling, and that’s why
she’s in a position that makes no sense for a seadweller.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9514175/2/Desperate-Times-Even-More-Desperate-Measures
(FOC (Doc Scratch))
(FOC (Doc Scratch))
[Her legs were bare, cool ice packs
laying across the deep bruises and cuts sustained over the years of
fighting ]
laying across the deep bruises and cuts sustained over the years of
fighting ]
Oh come on, as if your delicate little
blown-glass girl could have spent years fighting.
blown-glass girl could have spent years fighting.
[her face flushed pale ]
You can’t flush pale unless your blood
is white.
is white.
[“I’m Doc Scratch. Welcome to the
Midnight Crew.” ]
Midnight Crew.” ]
But Doc Scratch and the Midnight Crew
oppose each other.
oppose each other.
Also, why do you have trolls but Doc
Scratch appears to be a human, given he has not only eyes but
non-grey skin and no mention of horns?
Scratch appears to be a human, given he has not only eyes but
non-grey skin and no mention of horns?
And now the Midnight Crew have adopted
blown-glass girl for absolutely no reason and think she’s the hottest
of hot shits, because obviously some starving kid covered in her own
blood you scrape off the pavement is someone competent.
blown-glass girl for absolutely no reason and think she’s the hottest
of hot shits, because obviously some starving kid covered in her own
blood you scrape off the pavement is someone competent.
“Your” is possessive, as in,
your story. “You’re” is short for “you are”.
your story. “You’re” is short for “you are”.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
[“So I’m now in a dangerous secret
mafia and no body even asked me if this is what I wanted. I don’t
want this! I just want to try and make a little bit of money so my
lusus and I can eat at night. I only want to try and make a life, you
know? I don’t want to commit crimes. I mean, I-I pickpocket people on
the streets sometimes. Also I may do some petty crimes. B-but I cant
be a criminal!” pale lavender tears laced the corners of her
eyes, but she quickly wiped them away with her sleeve, not wanting to
reveal emotion or weakness in front of these men. ]
mafia and no body even asked me if this is what I wanted. I don’t
want this! I just want to try and make a little bit of money so my
lusus and I can eat at night. I only want to try and make a life, you
know? I don’t want to commit crimes. I mean, I-I pickpocket people on
the streets sometimes. Also I may do some petty crimes. B-but I cant
be a criminal!” pale lavender tears laced the corners of her
eyes, but she quickly wiped them away with her sleeve, not wanting to
reveal emotion or weakness in front of these men. ]
“Nobody” is one word. As for
the rest, for fuck’s sake, if you wanted some poor kid trying to
steal food, suck it up and make her a rustblood instead of going on
about her near-royal blood.
the rest, for fuck’s sake, if you wanted some poor kid trying to
steal food, suck it up and make her a rustblood instead of going on
about her near-royal blood.
[But surprisingly, they all removed
their fedoras and bowed their heads at her words. As she finished and
wiped her tears they all murmured, ‘Amen girl…’ She sat up
straighter and caught a glimpse of each mans eyes in turn. They all
had the same look. Steely and dangerous, but as she looked into each
of their eyes, she could see a childish innocence. A pain deep inside
themselves. She could see the goodness inside them and was filled
with sympathy. None of them were bad people. They were just kids put
into bad situations and fell in too deep. It was a family. Each man
lost and ruined in the world and they were just scared. Just like
her. And this Doc Scratch… he was the fatherly figure each of them
needed so desperately. Scratch saved each and ever one of them and
turned their lives around and gave them confidence and security.
There was nothing wrong or illegal about that. ]
their fedoras and bowed their heads at her words. As she finished and
wiped her tears they all murmured, ‘Amen girl…’ She sat up
straighter and caught a glimpse of each mans eyes in turn. They all
had the same look. Steely and dangerous, but as she looked into each
of their eyes, she could see a childish innocence. A pain deep inside
themselves. She could see the goodness inside them and was filled
with sympathy. None of them were bad people. They were just kids put
into bad situations and fell in too deep. It was a family. Each man
lost and ruined in the world and they were just scared. Just like
her. And this Doc Scratch… he was the fatherly figure each of them
needed so desperately. Scratch saved each and ever one of them and
turned their lives around and gave them confidence and security.
There was nothing wrong or illegal about that. ]
The Midnight Crew are a) adults who b)
are not innocent and secretly good.
are not innocent and secretly good.
And Doc Scratch is evil. He engineers
atrocities and his interest in girls is based around manipulating or
outright abusing them. We saw how he treated the girls he talked to
and we saw exactly what he did to the girl he actually raised. He is
the reason troll society is an endless pile of horrors and misery.
atrocities and his interest in girls is based around manipulating or
outright abusing them. We saw how he treated the girls he talked to
and we saw exactly what he did to the girl he actually raised. He is
the reason troll society is an endless pile of horrors and misery.
Ugh. I was enjoying seeing just a
regular ridiculous sue, but no, great father Scratch had to be
involved.
regular ridiculous sue, but no, great father Scratch had to be
involved.
FOC, MOC, MOC (MOC, MOC,
Strider,FOC, Lalonde)
Strider,FOC, Lalonde)
Slick (Snowman)
Doc Scratch (Aradiacester)
WV, PM, AR
FOC (Doc Scratch, MC)
Three of five.
Wordcount: 3458
Isn’t it the sclera, not the iris, that’s yellow in trolls? And the iris is gray before the adult coloring comes in?
If that’s it, they have the tinest irises to ever iris. But it does mean no one will ever get to stare into her soulful lavender eyes, because they’ll never be more than yellow with a dot of purple.