4/20/12-5/01/12
The Unloved (Boxcars (Slick))
Wow, that was all impressively convincing. You made Slick’s unhappiness at people disliking him understandable and reasonable, without making him actually nice along the way. And you write Boxcars quite well as well.
It’s Good Luck To Kiss A Private Eye (PI, DD (NB))
This seems rather flat and rushed. You have an extended setup about their lives post-Kingpin, then spend time with NB telling him she’s being followed for some reason, so he goes to follow her as well to catch the person – and it’s Droog for some reason and suddenly Droog kisses him for no real reason before absconding and that’s it. Why is Droog following her? Why is Droog instantly interested in him? Why would anyone say it’s good luck to kiss a detective in the first place?
A Cold Night (PI, Aradia (Crowbar, Droog, Karkat, Nepeta))
…okay, so, PI’s walking home and sees Crowbar approaching in the other direction. Why can’t he just turn around and walk the other way until he’s out of the park or finds a place to hide properly? And then instead he goes off the path to avoid Crowbar, so Crowbar won’t even be walking directly by him, and you’ve said Crowbar isn’t even paying attention, but somehow he needs to be totally hidden? For that matter, why can’t he just keep walking in that direction until Crowbar is gone? And no, jumping in a pond would never, ever be stealthy, let alone if he’s immediately peeking up to see if Crowbar noticed. If PI can see Crowbar glancing at the pond, Crowbar can see PI just fine.
[“Pickle Inspector.” A voice called from the bridge.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[He was hit by a large gust of wind and snow. He shivered hard and pulled his arms in close to his chest.]
He wouldn’t suddenly start shivering and being miserable only after he got out of the water. Just being in it in the first place would have done this.
If you’ve going to have Droog being nice to someone, you need to explain why. If you don’t want to explain why, use a character who’s naturally like this and wouldn’t need an explanation.
[ These replacement clothes were far too large on Inspector, as they were intended for Droog’s more masculine and slightly taller form]
PI is significantly taller, as tall as Boxcars.
[“My house is closer. It’s too cold for you to continue to your apartment.” Droog said]
Or he could just call a taxi.
[ It is honestly too cold, you could get sick. You already pose quite the threat. We couldn’t have the most imaginative member of Team Sleuth too weak to work, could we?”]
Yes, we could, because Droog should want that. If Droog doesn’t want that, you need to explain why, because it’s counter to his character.
And now for some reason PI is trying to avoid leaving despite being reminded he has friends who could get him back to his own house.
[“I have dry clothes for you.” Droog said. “I tried to find something smaller, but everything I own is meant to fit me perfectly.”]
If he knows every last piece of clothing he owns is the same size, then he wouldn’t have bothered looking for anything smaller.
…and now for some reason Droog is sitting and watching a kid’s movie?
…and now for some reason Droog is incredibly concerned about being a good host and wants to give up his bed and PI wants to sleep together with Droog in his bed and so they do.
Look, you have to actually show why characters act the way they do.
…and now for some reason you’re retelling the story from Aradia’s point of view?
[as she lied awake]
Lay.
[Pickle Inspector, the most nervous and weak member of the most renowned detectives in Midnight City, felt safe in the house of the most cunning member of the small but most powerful gang that pretty much ran the city. Aradia was confused.]
See, this just makes it even more confusing. If Droog had been interested for some time and this kind of thing is normal for them, there’d still be the problem you haven’t explained why, but at least PI’s lack of surprise and the way Droog’s acting like it’s no big deal would make more sense.
…and now Aradia thinks they’re romantically interested in each other so she’s trying to spy on them because god knows every kid desperately wants to sneak a peek at their parent’s sex life why did you feel this was a good idea?
Holy shit I did not realize how much worse the pairing cheerleader thing gets when it’s their kids. The point at which you see the guy your dad brought home is now in your dad’s PJs is the point you stop spying, not start.
Anyway, fucking crack pairings treated like they’re canon, fucking seme/uke height bullshit, fucking crossoververse.
Coffee Date (Snowman (Ms Paint, MOC))
[As snowman entered]
Snowman. You have a lot of errors throughout the story, from stuff like this to missing spaces. Proofread better.
[At first she felt slightly angry, taking a draw from her cigarette holder and breathing it out in the same slow motion though smoking was not allowed inside as she walked to the short round woman still scribbling on the paper.]
Also this sentence is far too long. Split it up into coherent thoughts.
[The very mention of her name should have had the woman scampering off, the man behind the counter was becoming increasingly worried.]
He didn’t mention her name.
[“U-uh miss, could you move…I mean… Someone…Uh..” He was at a loss for what to do, and the small woman hummed softly. “Almost finished, a little patience never killed anyone.”]
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[She then turned and nodded her head to Snowman, “I am sorry to make you wait.” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[ “I’m *****”
Snowman’s lips curled and she placed a long kiss on the woman’s hand, drawing out a beautiful shade of pink to her cheeks. “*****”]
Why are you censoring their names?
[ inner piece]
Peace. Really, you should get a beta reader.
[“I’ve met him a couple times, I haven’t decided what to gouge his eye out with yet.” She had a few ideas.
MsPaint laughed, thinking it a joke. “Oh that’s terrible! You would have to say something before doing it. -ahem-” She cleared her throat and tried making her voice smooth low and silky like Snowman’s, but ended up sounding like a squeaky sugar hyped childlike version of her instead. “Slick, what’s that in your eye? -hm- Hold still, there’s something in your eye. -heheh- Will you take a look at this for me?”]
This is nice, though. And I like your ending paragraph.
Three Years (Rose (Kanaya, Dave, Terezi, WV))
This is full of mistakes. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
It’s time, Spades (Slick (Snowman))
Hm. The expansion doesn’t seem to work all that well. I guess it feels less like you’re really developing the scene and more like you’re trying to add your own pet interpretations in.
[“Don’t start this now. You know there was no way it could have worked.” What was she talking about? Oh yeah, his “not so black yet not so red” feelings for her.]
See, what does this add? You don’t explain how his actions to date fit with the idea his feelings are mixed, and it doesn’t really inform what’s about to happen either – he’s going to be uneasy shooting her even if his feelings are only black. A fic exploring this would be great, but just throwing in a mention that, btw actually their relationship is y and not x seems pointless.
[She glared at him, her eyes filled with a mixture of fury and annoyance, Spades noticed. And, something else.. Was that fear? Pain? Did she not want to die? That’s stupid. Of course she didn’t want to die. ]
And yes, canon didn’t do the best job of explaining why she’s motivated to go through with this, but saying she doesn’t want to isn’t really fixing that problem, it’s just making it worse.
This seems like one of those things that’s not so much a story as restating in the way they prefer to view it.
Boxcars (Slick)
PI, DD (NB)
PI, Aradia (Crowbar, Droog, Karkat, Nepeta)
Snowman (Ms Paint, MOC)
Rose (Kanaya, Dave, Terezi, WV)
Slick (Snowman)
Two of six.
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Wordcount: 16778