There’s a lot here that seems informed by a gamer mentality even when it’s not explicitly Gamer. But there is a system styled fic where the main character gets to have a personality, a story that remembers the Alto Mare latias was not physically a human girl, and even one chapter of someone saying that an intelligent pokemon is their non-battling beloved sibling even if naturally that does not last further. Also, some research failures and numerous flavors of sexist writing, including possibly a teamup with some other flavor of bigotry to make sure the bugfucking oviposition is heterosexual bugfucking oviposition.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421491/1/Somethin-Stupid (1)
[“No, I just got here as well,” she glanced back to where he was staring, then raised an eyebrow at him. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421533/1/Silver-and-Rainbow-Feather
[I was walking through the big Forest near our Town and I was finally alone. I felt the Necklace around my neck. A beautiful silver Feather that split into two at the Top. The silver Feather all Adults wanted to see. All kids i ever meet never show any interest in me. Only the Feather and the fact that it makes me a Hero… ]
Stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Another big gap of time here…
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421566/1/The-Broken-Tooth
The formatting on this makes it difficult to read. Standard web formatting is single-spaced paragraphs with space between each paragraph, not doublespaced paragraphs that bleed into each other, and without full returns mid-sentence so the text only goes halfway across the page. If you’re writing this in something along the lines of Notepad, use word wrap instead of hitting enter.
[her eyes focussed on me. ]
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Genki…”, she spoke softly, rain masking her voice. ]
The punctuation should not be outside the quotation marks.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
There are a lot of errors in this, and the sentence structure’s pretty wonky too. I’d strongly suggest a beta reader.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14421684/1/Pokemon-Legends-Giratina
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
Absolutely do not underline words like that. This isn’t a videogame where you’re trying to highlight key points.
Your punctuation is really messy. You keep putting an extra period at the start of a word, or extra spacing.
You should think more about what a scene is actually trying to communicate. If the point of this battle is that your character thought they were a great trainer only to get their ass handed to them, that should be the focus, not describing move after move. That kneecaps any sense of urgency or getting overwhelmed because from their POV they’re just listing that this happened and then this did, and it’s clearly not fast or confusing enough to make it hard for them to report on it. This is especially true if this is supposed to break their spirit and even convince them to switch careers. It reads with all the passion of someone annoyed they’re losing an online battle.
[I spent the next few years after that trying to become one of the youngest Pokemon Professors ]
Also, pivoting right from trying to be one of the best trainers in the world to assuming they should go to be top in a totally different career, taking it for granted they’re more worthy than any of the people who were actually doing this the whole time, just undermines the idea they were really trying at being a trainer either. It seems more like they just want the most fame for the least effort.
[I eventually flunked out of the Research program due to all of that stress, but it was really for the best. How much help could I really be for the Professor in my depressed state? ]
Seriously, though, why are they assuming that their default state is the best ever and it’s just one thing or another sadly holding them back from realizing their potential? They even just listed off all the ways their team can’t do the work and how they don’t even seem to consider the idea of actually working with their pokemon to teach them in favor of throwing up their hands and saying their pokemon just don’t want to.
[I guess not everyone can be the best like no one ever was.]
And it’s only after years of this that they even figure out this extremely basic concept that requires a pre-K grasp of math, and honestly they still don’t seem to have actually comprehended how unreasonable this was and are still just poor-me-ing.
I guess when you’re coming in from videogames it’s especially hard to shake the mindset that you’re the only real person around.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422076/1/That-Summer-in-Kanto
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Both opening with a dream that doesn’t really matter, and an extremely extended bit about sleeping in, and then the discussion about packing, and then even more paragraphs of packing – this is all painfully overdone for something that was boring the first time. It’s mildly different that the mother here actually has a motivation, but the idea sleeping in leads to things going well is nonsensical, and then contradicts her continuing on to the standard speech about responsibility and waking up on time on your own.
[“That is the heart of your research project,” explained the Professor. “That is where you’ll record any and all information on the Pokémon that you encounter, and what you write within it will determine your final grade for the project.”
That made my blood freeze. “I’m getting… there’s a grade for this?”
“Well, personally I dislike having to judge and critique the work of new researchers, especially in a less-than-professional environment such as this. But these projects have become so prestigious that many participants use them in their applications to academies and universities, so there must be some standard of quality.”
“Do… a lot of people fail?”]
It can’t possibly matter if she cares so little about that she didn’t even know other people sometimes use it for something she clearly doesn’t care about either.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422133/1/Electrifying-Emotions (6)
[So, I’m just gonna address the elephant in the room now before someone bitches about it. Yes. I spelled her name Elisa and not Elesa. I’m not tryna go all M night shyamalan and claim I know better than the creators or anything but that is how the wiki spelled it and only after writing a good portion of the overall story did I come to the conclusion that its not spelled that way. But its one letter, so I expect you to deal with it. I’m not about to go and change all of those irrelevant typos. Anyways, enjoy the story.]
Find-replace exists.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422676/1/MIRRAGE
Is the title supposed to be Mirage?
[She was eighteen now. And in the Capitol, in its president’s eyes, that was the desirable age for her to become just another name on the list of the most beautiful and glamorous victors offered up for one of the Capitol’s favorite pastimes.]
It’s pretty weird they’d care about sex only happening once she hits 18 when they don’t care about consent anyway, let alone go with an age higher than most of the US. I don’t think Panem was meant to be built entirely off the rules for Hollywood porn, and even if it was, given California also has the dubious infamy of being one of the four child marriage states with no restrictions at all, it seems more likely that their standards for prostituting victors would go under the exception rather than rule. From a worldbuilding perspective this feels like it should be setting up something about bizarre puritanical hypocrisy about how their society developed, but even then, there’s not really any sign of that in either canon to build off so it’d be coming from left field.
Plus, this kind of feels like the fact it’s bad is solely in context of the threat, but also it’s not actually going to happen to her for reasons, which sort of undercuts the horror of the actual thing happening and turns it more into it’d be bad if she got ruined this way, but luckily she won’t, therefore she’s still worthy of being cared about. There’s no particular sympathy here for all the other kids who got raped, just that she personally doesn’t deserve it, and it’s so wrong to threaten her with it, so long as she retains her virtue anyway.
Also, the power dynamics mean Drew being an asshole to her is significantly more monstrous than I think you intended, as is the part where Drew explicitly says that yeah, he’s fine with institutionalized rape in general, but he thinks this one particular chick is too good for that.
[“She’s so beautiful,” Brianna said, her eyes gleaming with hunger and just a hint of envy. “She won her games thanks to her great aim throwing… a ball or something like that. And she’s the youngest victor in Hunger Games history!” Brianna squealed, her attempt to sound knowledgeable lost in the childlike awe.
Drew bit his tongue to suppress a snort. He couldn’t afford to be rude to the daughter of a councilman – but he rolled his eyes anyway. He couldn’t stand when others pointed out facts he already knew. Naturally proud and intelligent, it irritated him when people assumed he was unaware or, even worse, believed they were enlightening him. They were always mistaken.]
Also kind of impressive he manages so much extra awfulness outside of being insanely evil. Just every moment he’s talking I hope for one of the women around him to just start stabbing.
I’d really suggest that if you’re going to be going with an abrasive character as half of the romance, and you’ve moving him into a setting that’s significantly more evil, you should probably try to remove power from the character for balance, not pour a dumptruck more onto him.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422710/1/The-Masks-We-Wear (3)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Nemona was practically bouncing up and down in front of them. She reminded Ashley of a Spoink, always moving under threat of death. ]
I don’t think that’s the right way to phrase it, since that makes it sound like she doesn’t want to but there’s a threat motivating her onward. If that is the idea – that she’s doing this to escape something else, that there’s fear of what would happen if she slowed down a second – then her other descriptions about movement shouldn’t be so positive.
While this was different in setting for an opening than most fic, and that helped a bit, it still didn’t have very much happening. You pretty much end on “and then they were going deeper and maybe something big will happen then!”
If there’s a need to start off with daily life and just establishing how things are currently before things really get going, then you should really be laying on psychological drama way harder so it’s entertaining now and not just setting up other stuff for later, or at least you’ve got to keep going until your first chapter actually gets somewhere. Or maybe a paradox pokemon attacks Ashely while they’re in the middle of getting ready and interrupts things, instead of just saying the place is somewhat dangerous when they deliberately poke around which they’ll do next chapter.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422880/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Pride-of-Xelandria (1 spam)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Not really sure what to make of a battle where the type matchup is so unbalanced. Dewgong vs tropius nearly going to a draw when tropius has a double weakness. dewgong had water to hide in, and apparently the only grass move was solar beam of all things, seems like your character can’t be much of a trainer if they nearly snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
[“You certainly got close. And Archie, way to not take your foot off of the gas. Most trainers would have held back after the Icicle Spear. Looks like you’re living up to our family name after all, little cousin!” She says jokingly, her hands beating on the railing creating a little jingle.]
Seriously? He’s impressive for continuing to yell attacks during a battle?
[“Had to! I’ve battled that Tropius before, he’s a tanky dude. ]
Worse, he only figured out that the pokemon in the middle of solarbeaming his pokemon wasn’t beaten already because of extensive past experience?
[“Because, we’re the first 3 to ever be handpicked for the Badge Run from Blackstone Academy!” A voice says, as our door swings open, hitting Noah on his shoulder.]
How bad is this school. How bad are the rest of their competition.
Oh lmao it’s all nepotism. I guess it works if the opening is setting up why none of them can put those pieces together and really think it’s just because of course the sons of very important people would naturally be legitimately the best trainers, and also there’s no conflict of interest in his mom picking the perfectly bred pokemon for him and his friends.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422910/1/Romantic-Flight (1 spam)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
I think the overall shape of this works pretty well, but I’m not sure first person was a good fit. The plot of the story is basically his feelings, but having him narrate so directly means there’s no room for it to really build up or allow for realizations. Third person would also make it easier to describe things at greater length, which would probably be better for how much he’s being amazed by what he sees. Or else there needs to be more problems with his feelings – like greater reluctance to take this big physical risks with her and greater reluctance to take the emotional risk of saying something to her, so there’s more sense of going from one point to another over the course of this.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14422933/1/Team-Rocket-s-journey
Capitalize your title properly.
Script format is banned on this site.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423312/1/When-the-Stars-Fell (1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
This is an intriguing plot idea, but I really don’t see the need for an entire chapter of setup that’s basically that there’s something weird and dangerous and also she runs a company. It just keeps going back and forth between these two points without anything new being added or even getting near to the information the summary already handed out. It takes ages to even get to the fact there’s a meteor and then the chapter ends before her family even dies. [In this alternate reality, her family is alive, and the region thrives, but can she save her new home from the same cosmic fate?] if you think this is interesting enough to be your summary, then it should be interesting enough for us to just start there. At this rate it’s going to be what, four, five chapters to even reach the point where we even get to her asking that question, and yet that question is what you say the story’s about.
Also, stuff like that her mom died and she’s sad – you don’t need three paragraphs about the family situation now when it’d have far more impact to discover that when she finds her mom alive in the other reality. (Unless her mom is dead in both, I suppose, and the other reality is just a copy of this one, but in that case you don’t need to mention it at all because backstory mom fridging is not something more stories need.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423254/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Knight-of-Kanto (11, trolling?)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“The Pokémon world. Full of fun, adventure and excitement.” Lugia flies over the Orange Islands. “With how Pokémon are used are primarily for trainers and workers. Each of them working as a team to not only make each other stronger, but also as a team.”]
This is word salad. What are you actually trying to say here?
Also, writing stories like they’re scene directions for a tv episode is a bad idea.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[The knight merely looked at them, but mostly the king. “I am here to stop your tyranny, for you are no king.” He stated.]
You should probably look up what the words tyrant and king mean.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423338/1/Breaking-Ground (9)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[I pulled a cheri berry out of my bag and rolled it to Toothpick, a treat as thanks for saving both of our lives, and he scampered over and snapped it up happily before clambering up my pants and up to sitting on my shoulder where he normally perches himself. ]
Aw, he’s a cutie.
[A couple of Zubats flapped past my head as I ascended, keeping their distance when Toothpick tried snapping them out of the air, and it took about fifteen minutes to make my way safely up to the next level of the tower. ]
Having [keeping] reads like the zubat are both right there and keeping their distance at the same time. Something like [A couple of Zubats flapped past my head as I ascended, but after Toothpick tried snapping them out of the air they kept their distance] would be better.
[surrounded by ancient stone towers I inferred to be torches ]
To once hold torches? Because stone generally can’t actually be the torch.
[After looking at the whole room, it seemed to be telling a story of a war. Not any war in the history of Hoenn, at least not any as far I know of, but there were mass casualties on both sides. Pokemon killed people, people killed pokémon, they fought their own sides, it was mass ruination all across the board. I felt a little unsettled at the idea that this was true history that I had never heard of before. Another case of immense loss of life lost to the sands of time. ]
That’s a bit of a jump.
“True history” suggests there’s a false history of it not happening, but if this is ancient, it could just old enough they didn’t learn about it, and if it’s really ancient, old enough nobody knew about it but nobody thought otherwise either. I mean, just consider the whole Sea Peoples issue and that’s a time period we had perfectly good writing. Also, wall carvings aren’t required to be about real things. This could just as easily have been a prediction of the future, especially given the description that everyone turning on everyone combined with the fact whoever was making this was a functional enough society to have the resources for an intricately carved giant stone tower sounds more like this is in the long religious tradition of predicting a day of future horrors.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Alright, alright.” I groaned. “Cool it, Taffy. And move your gut. These stairs are narrow.” I poked the goodra’s belly playfully, watching carefully as it bounced back. Once all was clear, I slipped by and sauntered into the kitchen, whirling around coworkers with the blender in my sight. “Faulty crystal.” I mumbled, a dull piece of quartz clenched between my jaw as I examined the back of the device in question. Jeers from the growing crowd threatened to drown out my senses as I flashed the mineral before the dragon type, yet we were an experienced lot. That pounding in your chest that you got with every breakfast rush. That was what kept us up on the daily. Explorers had their discoveries and treasures, but we merchants? Nothing got the adrenaline running like a pack of wild mon deprived of their daily normalcy! “Fetch it gurl!”]
I think this would be easier to follow if you broke up your paragraphs more. It seems like you’re just splitting paragraphs by speaker, which means there’s a lot of different things getting packed in.
In addition, you could use more narration – it’s a pretty big jump here from entering the kitchen and just seeing the blender to having opened it up and finished troubleshooting to find the problem. It reads almost like you’re trying pack things as tightly as possible to keep the paragraphs from getting too big.
Finally, it also seems like no one is just saying something and then replying back and forth. Characters say multiple lines as they do multiple things before we go to the next person and next paragraph where the same will happen. Sometimes people just say a single thing, or they have a quicker back and forth.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423579/1/Pokemon-Topaz-The-Discovery-of-Bonds
Nonstory chapters are banned, and this isn’t even long enough to make sense as one. It would be perfectly fine attached to your actual first chapter.
[In the World of Pokémon (or this version of it), it is literally coded into the laws of the world that you must challenge others to Pokémon Battles to order them around. This solves a lot of common plot points where you think why don’t the evil teams just constrain the heroes? That being said, the baddies are actually strong and competent as Pokémon Trainers to justify this ]
There’s been multiple times across multiple games that you can’t fight an NPC until they decide to fight you. If you want to do a fightier version you don’t have to say there’s coding. You can say it’s a cultural thing, and you can even explain it as a valid cultural thing because if people don’t resolve stuff by defeating the other person’s pokemon, those pokemon could be used to more directly address the problem. You don’t need videogame logic to explain why people don’t habitually put their opponents who have wall-melting pets behind bars without first defeating the wall-melting pets, or why, after their wall-melting pet got electrocuted into unconsciousness, those people don’t keep arguing with the one who has electric zappy death.
God I fucking hate this kind of reasoning.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423678/1/Session-10-31-Formicophilia (1 spam)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Also, don’t use quotation marks for thinking, it makes it harder to tell what’s actually getting said aloud.
[“The little ones are so…delicate,” she remarked with a crazed smile into the camera, “nothing like the later stages. Bug types tend to get a bit more…bold when the shells start to harden, and the bodies begin to grow. I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into, Ethan~”]
Smaller bugs still have hardened shells due to the requirements of an exoskeleton and molting. You may be thinking of baby turtles.
[Ninjasks were quick to act. It’s a rather frightening image for most to see a woman suddenly swarmed by large bees, ]
Do you think cicada are a kind of bee.
[Scolipedes are a sort of hermaphrodites. The males carry both eggs and fertilizing fluid, needing only a warm place to put both. The job of the female is simply to keep it all safe, being just as much of a walking tank as the males ]
Genuinely confused as to how you are writing bestiality porn without knowing anything about animals or sexual terminology.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423724/1/Child-of-Dragons (2 spam)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Zinnia, may I remind you that you have a task to perform? It isn’t your place to question the objective, not anymore.” The masculine voice from the other side of the line said. The stranger, Zinnia, rolls her eyes to no one in particular. “Right, right, because I endangered the world by destroying the device that would’ve sent an asteroid carrying a hostile alien parasite to another reality right? You seem to forget I also enabled the better solution” The woman says condescendingly to the voice, who groans in response. “What about the theft of keystones and Mega Stones? Along with a few million in property damage from your little adventure in the Devon Corporation. ]
I’m sorry, she’s on the hook for stopping the company that powers everything with murder from destroying a planet with a device powered by more mass murder? Maybe they could’ve not spent millions of dollars on a genocide machine?
I mean I guess she fucked up by not killing the people who are all cool with that afterward. Truly, her only flaws are her failure to go far enough.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423727/1/Lei-s-1st-Christmas (2 spam, 7 real)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“You came!” she awed. ]
Also just use said.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14423909/1/For-She-Wished-To-Be-Better (2 spam)
[Despite that, he had to admit there was a sort of mystical aspect to the city’s cold that had a certain allure, especially for a seeker of knowledge like him. How come a region could be this cold, to the point where it snowed all year long? ]
It’s on the north side of a giant mountain.
It is extremely easy to work out why Snowpoint City is cold.
[Additionally, Sinnoh’s myths and legends were also much more interesting than his native Kalos’, or so had he been told. ]
If you’re engaging with this, you should also not be doing casual Arceus references as if that religion isn’t super dead by this point in time.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[And so, all that was left behind were her other two adopted daughters, Olivia and Paige, and him. Three little kitties, now kicked out onto the streets, because Molly, despite having been a amazingly intelligent woman, had been blinded by her research and allowed herself to trust the promise that her family would be taken care of by said company, would she die. ]
It seems pretty clear that the pokeworld has a really robust social safety net. You can’t really square free room and board for wandering trainers otherwise, and without that you don’t have trainers.
[Thankfully Paige, the older of the two daughters, was useful for at least something and, in the first months, earned some quick money by doing whatever jobs she was allowed to at the age of 13. And that was enough to keep them alive, though she did not want to share with Charlie, the witch. ]
Also incredibly fucked up thing to say about a thirteen year old.
[From what he understood, Paige had found love in a Sinnohan hockey player who promised he would take them in, but after they got on a sketchy boat and sailed all the way to Snowpoint, following 16-year-old Paige’s blind love, the relationship quickly fizzled out and yet again they were left out on the streets. But this time, they were Sinnohan freezing streets, which they had no way to escape from.
Paige, credit to her, swallowed her pride and owned up to her mistake, eventually]
Again, deeply fucked up.
[Olivia Delvaux is a beautiful human being. Flawed, yet beautiful. Molly had taken her in after she had been involved in a terrible accident, the details of which were mostly not shared with Charlie. All he picked up on is that, for whatever reason, it had made her lose the ability to see colour, and how, instead, the world looked completely monochrome to her, like it had been buried in permanent shadows. ]
You know people just get born that way sometimes, right? It’s not actually a big deal, and, again, there are actual real live people who see the world like this who aren’t bizarre flawed things for it.
[Not only that, but being a 15-year-old graduate meant I could finally apply for a trainer’s license, ]
You don’t have to be fifteen and the trainer system breaks in half when you add restrictions like that and sponsoring and so forth.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
I will say it’s nice to see someone appreciating a pokemon as both family and not a battler, but given he’s going with someone who wants to be the greatest trainer ever, I’m not really expecting that to last. And be a great trainer is an insanely mundane and boring desire to follow that insanely melodramatic leadup.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424002/1/The-Unknown-Trainer
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
[You were supposed to write a paper on the mechanics of a pokeball. You decided to create a new pokeball.” The professor hands Connor back a blueprint with his newest idea. Connor tries to explain to the professor his idea. “Don’t you see professor, the gimmick around this pokeball is that”. The professor is enraged and doesn’t want to hear Connor’s explanation. “That’s enough Connor! My decision is final, I’m sorry but you are no longer a student at our academy.” Connor wanted to continue to defend his case, but knew it would fall on deaf ears. ]
Also this is so ridiculous. That guy is so right to kick him out, nobody should be turning in a drawing of their cool unrelated gimmick idea instead of answering a simple question and yet Connor complains about other people’s deaf ears when he’s clearly not listening to a word people say. And no, people who act this way are not geniuses able to invent super pokeballs, because they have to actually learn how a thing works before they can improve it.
Mind you that’s also got nothing much to do with being a scientist so everyone’s just crazy here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424046/1/Oxygenshipping-Alphabet-An-Oxygenshipping-Drabble-Collection
Actual drabbles and not thousands of words getting called a drabble is nice to see, and that managed to pack a full concept into the space as well.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424074/1/Champion-s-Path (1)
[*Sigh* ]
Write narration properly.
[- Flashback start -]
Don’t do that either.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424097/1/You-re-My-Christmas-Wish (4)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
On the one hand, it’s incredibly nice to see something referencing this movie that for once remembers Latias is feathery and didn’t talk at the time, and presumably if she was talking wouldn’t just be doing it like a human would…
[“The…kiss?” Latias slowly said, before snorting violently. “Wait, so you’re telling me that little kiss kept you away all this time?”
“Er, yeah,” Ash admitted. “I’m not very good at that kind of stuff, and also…I honestly didn’t know if it was you or Bianca that did it.”
Latias’ head pulled back a little at this, her feathers ruffling as she spluttered, “You seriously couldn’t tell?]
But for the same reason surely Ash could tell if there were feathers involved?
I think this is doable, but it requires slightly more than that the viewer can’t visually tell the two apart therefore the guy experiencing lips on his face can’t tell if they’re human or bird-dragon. Like, say, something about how he was just so shocked that she did that and so hopeful it was really Bianca that he wasn’t sure if he’d just imagined it felt like her.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424329/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Advanced-Journeys-Revolution (6)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Treating the wounded while he bleeds out,” the brunette stood up. His fists trembled. “What good is a doctor if they can’t even save themselves?”]
That’s very dramatic but you can’t really do that. You need blood inside your body for both your brain and your hands to work. A much more doctory way to die is debris in the wound due to being unable to cut themselves open to remove it. Plenty survive an initial gunshot, what historically killed tons upon tons of people is what the bullet brought along with it. That would produce a situation of a doctor working to help the injured because he knew he didn’t have much longer himself.
Also, calling him by his hair color again and again like this is weirdly distracting even before getting into the fact you’re using a feminine form for him. Who he is exactly is pretty relevant right now, not which of the broad categories of hair color he has on his head.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424580/1/Lustitia-Christmas-Carol
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14424761/1/A-very-RPS-Christmas (2)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425158/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Second-Hope (2)
Hm.
On the one hand, this seems a bit belabored. I mean, really, explaining why he doesn’t want to pick getting reincarnated into A Song of Ice and Fire?
But it is nice to see one of these where the guy has personality to him.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425158/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-Second-Hope
[The idea of attending a Pokémon academy, especially one as prestigious as this, sounds incredible. But there’s also this urge inside me, a need to just go—explore, fight, live.]
This seems unnecessary – you’ve set this up to get him there, and also he ended last chapter saying he wanted an easier life after all the scrabbling he did in his last one. Surely just getting handed food, shelter, and free help at learning how everything works should be pretty appealing at the moment.
[I frown, studying the screen. “But what’s the deal with these stars? Why are they all over the place?”]
There are no stars. I’m guessing there’s formatting that got removed here.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425406/1/The-Frozen-Peak (1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Ash had a little more reason for his excitement than the others. Having managed to obtain the top score on his qualification exam came with a rather unique perk. Unlike the other rookies whose starters were predetermined before they ever took the exams, Ash got to put in a request for a more unusual starter pokémon. His first choice was a Frigibax, but understanding that Professor Oak may not be able to get one fit for a rookie, he also asked for a Torchic as a backup plan.]
I don’t understand why people want so badly to call a character Ash when they really do not want to write about Ash. It’s even weirder that you’re making a point that there’s other kids from Pallet leaving today and you could’ve had this character be one of them instead.
Also, if he’s such a great trainer he should be able to get a cool pokemon on his own and not need one handed to him.
[. Iris Blackmore was a blonde haired slip of a girl with dreams of being a coordinator. ]
Ah yes, there could only be one girl out of a group of four kids, and of course only because she wasn’t interested in being a trainer.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
The need for perfect pokemon right from the start keeps popping up. Possibly it’s connected to the games being designed so that much of what matters about a pokemon is fixed at the start, and that grinding is fine but wasting time is not, so using pokemon temporarily isn’t an option.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425426/1/Help-Quagsire-are-Fresh-Water-Pokemon (1 spam)
[a pod of Quagsire ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Quagsire are admittedly freshwater pokemon, but they can tolerate salt water for limited periods of time. What prevents them from living in oceans is that the sea lacks the abundant and easily captured prey of rivers and swamps, and they must return to the land to lay eggs. ]
“They can’t survive in open ocean because they can’t catch food or reproduce” and “they can can only tolerate being in salt water for limited time” mean very different things. By this metric, sea turtles laying eggs on land means they’re freshwater animals.
What you appear to mean is that quagsire can easily tolerate changes in salinity but are considered freshwater pokemon because that’s where their food sources are, in the same way a polar bear is not considered aquatic because while they can swim indefinitely they cannot eat at sea. Even then, rivers and swamps exist on the coastline all the time, so it’d make more sense to say they’re not ocean pokemon or, at most, not “saltwater” pokemon, because they should be happy in estuaries and similar brackish water areas.
[ In modern times, the arrival of a breeding population of wild pokemon from afar would be viewed as an invasive species, a threat to a fragile ecosystem, ]
Similarly, no, invasive species is a specific thing and means more than non-native, and also no, the fact people at the time didn’t have this concept doesn’t change what the definitions would be. You wouldn’t say that killing off all of a creature doesn’t count as extinction if it happens before the word extinction or species were coined would you? If you’re trying to say they’d be mistaken for, then it’s that they’d be removed preemptively just in case they’d become an invasive species, and part of the reason why that’s such a concern today is that ecosystems are not inherently and universally fragile but become like that due to things like losing huge chunks of the native animals. Of course the colonists wouldn’t be concerned about that when they were the ones about to break the healthy ecosystem’s back.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425433/1/Pokemon-I-Transmigrated-Twice
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Nearby, under another tree, a boy who appeared to be around ten years old stared blankly at the sleeping Pokémon, muttering to himself,
“I can transmigrate twice?”]
Dialogue should stay in the same paragraph as the narration that has to do with it.
[“Seems like this world isn’t as perfect as it seemed,” Stephen thought.]
You shouldn’t use the same quotation marks for non-spoken thoughts, and especially not when your character is often muttering his thoughts out loud.
Shiny umbreon don’t even have red eyes. Why are you specifying it’s a shiny.
Also, how did an eevee evolve into umbreon when you open the story with a clear blue daytime sky and then say not even an hour’s passed?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425695/1/Ghostly-sleeve-for-a-ghostly-steed (1 spam)
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425729/1/Blaze-of-Destiny (5)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[He appeared at the top of the stairs, “You really think Alexander can pull it off, Grandpa?” he asked ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[A young boy—no older than 15—lay on the ground, ]
That’s not really a young boy when he’s on his way to not getting called a boy at all, and even less so in a setting where actual little kids are running around.
I guess as shiny-getting goes, rescuing one from Team Rocket is perhaps the most reasonable, but it still contrasts pretty badly with the idea of being selfless or caring about pokemon for their own sake. Would he have tried so hard to save a regular charmander in the same situation? What about an ekans? What’s he even saving this pokemon from, really, if they were just planning to sell it to someone rich?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425737/1/Serpen-s-Fangs
[“Okay. Okay. I’m up,” Sam’s chocolate brown hair was currently a rat’s nest. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Good, promise to meet daddy again one day.”]
When you’re using a word to replace someone’s name, you capitalize it like their name.
This sure doesn’t seem to have much to do with pokemon. Pirate fic where occasionally people keep animal pets that are kind of weird is not really enough.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425853/1/Twinmiser
Bolding all dialogue for no reason is a bad idea.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.
[Until then we’re taking a chunk out of the League’s budget to install a door bell with an alert system, so my brother and I can be notified at any times a trainer comes in.”
No matter what, they were at least going to get that. “But those are so expensive!]
It’s a bell. Like you’ve walked into stores with bells on the door before, right?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425854/1/I-Sing-the-Body-Fire (1)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Trainers start at ten. And if you’re having someone get a pair of unborn pokemon for their team, they should probably be getting those well before ten, not another half decade after.
[Hoenn was once a region about 450 miles south off the coast of Johto. A place of life and beauty now simply a molten hellmouth. A land draped in death and ruin. A crown of Annihilation. People still don’t know what happened. All expeditions by air burn up before they make landfall and oceanic trips meet nothing but the roughest seas approximately 40 miles from shore.]
But they should know because they finished the games up to gen 4. This kind of dramatic irony writing doesn’t work with an isekai’d narrator.
[The only survivors were the tourists that were visiting at the time and their ‘pet’ pokémon. None of them were battlers except for one. ]
The idea only a single actual trainer would be outside the region at a given point is absurd. Imagine Hawaii, now imagine saying that there was usually one or zero doctors from that country outside of it at any given moment, now imagine that instead of doctor, it was people who play any kind of sport, and you’d probably still be underestimating the absurdity given how much people love pokemon training.
That almost everyone there is dead should really be enough. Contorting it like this so that there’s exactly one important person, just so that when your character is celebrating their torchic it means no one else has one and they’re that much more special and lucky, is so unnecessary it makes the mass death you’re describing into a farce.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14425950/1/Ashes-to-Blood
[That was until the person grabbed Lucia’s shoulders and shook her, “Lucy, listen to me or I’ll punch you!”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[The dumb blonde stereotype was true with Maddie. ]
Christ I thought people saying that was finally dead.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[It’s blood red eyes ]
Its for possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.
Starting off with an established trainer is a nice change from most openings, and you paint a decent picture of the world and the implications in how much worse things must be in the direction she’s going, so this makes for a pretty good first chapter.
However, the one big piece missing is why she’s going toward Reborn in particular. It’s evidently difficult, especially for someone who’s still a teen, and we open with her emphasizing she’s planned this out, yet she doesn’t even know they’ve got a trainer league.
[Lucia had of course heard of leagues, many young kids had always wanted to participate in one, her included. It sounded fun to her, and she’d happily participate but she was curious about one thing, “What do you mean by again?”
“There was an… incident… a few years ago that left the whole region almost completely abandoned… even by Pokémon.” That made Lucia gave Ame a skeptically look which she noticed and quickly went to recover, “Uh… but don’t let that worry you!]
She doesn’t even know about a cataclysmic event that happened!
Nor does anyone else seem to think anything much of it – if the point was that although she’s going toward a difficult area, and has powerful pokemon, she seems barely aware of the pokemon-trainer aspect or even current events that everyone should know, I’d expect other people to at least think it’s super weird that she’s been under enough of a rock to not know about this, especially when she’s heading in.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426000/1/Pocket-Monsters-Breath-of-an-Adventure (1 spam, 2 real)
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Stop bolding the first time someone’s name appears.
It’s okay, four letters.
The bit jumping around in time a few extra times before fully starting is a cute idea, but none of the spots you picked are actually interesting and then you do go too far back because a character lying around being injured and miraculously healing isn’t important, it’s what they actually do. You could just cover this in a line or two once they wake up. There’s no question of why any of this is happening or other mystery to draw it out: it’s isekai, it’s happening because you feel like it, any other weird powers will also happen because you feel like it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426039/1/Revenge-of-the-Forgotten
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Me too. We’ve all been busting ass for like three months now with no break. Aren’t there child labor laws?”
“Probably, ]
I mean really obviously no, there aren’t. Where would they have even heard of the idea while being raised by a criminal organization that’s also a cult in the land of people let little kids handle all sorts of shit?
Write out numbers with letters.
[Per usual Maxie was reprimanded by a board member, which was quite amusing, Amber and I could barely contain our laughter. As the briefing continued, I zoned out not anything too interesting was ever discussed during the morning briefing. ]
This reads like you’re just slapping down thoughts without consideration for how they fit together or how redundant they are.
Like, consider:
[Per usual Maxie was reprimanded by a board member. Amber and I could barely contain our laughter. As the briefing continued, I zoned out, as nothing interesting was ever discussed during the morning briefing.]
[Breakfast: Cheese and Avocado Grits with Rye Bread and Marmalade
Ew. I thought as I moved towards the food. Ever since budget cuts and Arceus knows what else, the food here has been progressively getting worse.]
That’s a strange combination, not a cheap one. If their food comes from random supplies that have to get assembled into meals, sure. But if they’re trying to cut costs on what they buy, why is avocado even there, why isn’t it a cheaper bread, and why marmalade?
Also, people don’t swear by Arceus.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426040/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Grand-Blue-World
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Your first chapter should contain a hook for what the rest of your story’s about and why people should show back up to see the second chapter.
[“…sure. Whatever it takes to get you outta my hair.”
“Wait, REALLY?!”
“Yeah, I just told you that I don’t care. Do whatever, kid…”]
And this? This is really not cutting it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426205/1/The-Fire-of-Ages
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14312515/1/Blue-Tears-Pok%C3%A9mon-Fanfiction (3)
You don’t need to say your fanfic is fanfic.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[More time passed, and a pair of two little black legs smashes through the bottom of the egg. It ran around frantically, unable to do anything else. Suddenly, it came to a halting stop as the walking egg bumped into a nearby rock wall, shattering the shell and leaving the Pokémon inside fully exposed to the outside world. ]
[He tried standing up, supporting himself with the wall he bumped into, but failed and rolled forward, not stopping until he hit another rock which stopped him from falling off the hill he was on. He breathed heavily, as he built up enough courage to try again. Although this time, he succeeded and stood upright.
Next step was to… well… take the next step. And so, the newborn Riolu tried, falling over every time he did. But he didn’t give up, determined to take that first step into his what would be a harsh life. And with the resilience of steel, and determination of many brave warriors, he finally took that first step. He started walking. Slowly at first, to get comfortable with it, starting to walk faster, and faster, picking up the pace until eventually, he found himself running all around the place.]
Why is he able to sprint around just fine while blind, carrying extra weight, and with his legs surrounded by jagged eggshell but suddenly can’t even stand up once he’s freed?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Yes! That’s it, little guy! You got it!” Exclaimed the Decidueye, clearly happy of the small traveller’s feat. He was proud of himself, like a father who just taught their child to speak, and Riolu could feel that. He felt everything that Decidueye did, including the pride.]
The characters don’t make a lot of sense in this. Riolu seems to forget the mystery of why a riolu egg was in the middle of nowhere moments later. This decidueye flew by originally, then showed no interest in the months that passed, but now that the riolu’s reappeared they’re super invested, in contrast to every other pokemon he’s met over the months who apparently weren’t curious why there was a wandering baby who can’t talk. And the decidueye also doesn’t have any relationships with any other pokemon and they’re just by themselves in the forest despite the fact there should be tons of other people around. Things just happen.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426320/1/Pokemon-The-truth-behind-the-power (3)
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ With a wink at Arcanine, who seemed to enjoy the moment as much as he did, James stood up and continued his way toward the Pokémon Center without looking back.
At the Pokémon Center…
Upon entering the Pokémon Center in Viridian City, James felt enveloped by an atmosphere of activity and warmth. ]
You do not need to label scene transitions. You said he’s going there and then that he enters it. That’s more than enough.
[Hopkins’s words echoed in James’s mind like distant echoes ]
Don’t repeat words like this.
[Inside, cool air perfumed with intoxicating scents of freshly cut flower]
Do you have any idea how destructive it that rich people fill their houses with fresh flowers every day? I hope his father gets shot. All the words about how his dad is actually a very nice man who loves him lots mean nothing because his father evidently doesn’t think anyone else in the world is a real person.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426451/1/Faded
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Ah, yes! We had a bad morning!” laughed nervously Ash, scratching the back of his head, “I lost my documents and my pocket”. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Hello, young man. How can I help you today?” Oak greeted politely.
Ash’s grin faltered. “Professor… it’s me. Ash!”
Oak tilted his head, studying Ash closely. “I’m sorry, but do we know each other? I don’t recall meeting you before.”
The words hit Ash like a brick wall. His heart sank, and Pikachu let out a confused “Pika?”
“P-Professor, it’s me!” Ash stammered. “From Pallet Town! I’ve been your assistant! I’ve traveled with Pikachu! You sent me on my first journey!”
Oak frowned, his expression now one of polite concern. “I’m sorry, but I truly don’t recall anyone by that name.]
Given Celebi, Oak not only already met Ash by the time he’s an adult, but he knows about time travel and even specifically that Ash has been involved in time shenanigans before. And if Ash wasn’t there to meet him because the erasing includes events that happened before he was born, Oak wouldn’t have been able to handle the situation alone leading to disaster which is going to really hamper him going on to live the exact same life like nothing happened, and so fourth. More, this isn’t even a meaningful event on Ash’s side because Ash didn’t know the guy he met then was Oak. Possibly the very worst character you could pick for a conversation that’s just supposed to establish people don’t know who Ash is.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426460/1/The-Trainer
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
What if the same things that people could deal with happened only they couldn’t deal with them only someone else could deal with them even better so the outcome was never even slightly in doubt turns out to not be a particularly interesting question to see answered.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14426636/1/Journey-to-Becoming-a-Pokemon-Master-Kanto-Arc
A war is generally not a matter of one super evil dude who needs to get killed and then everything’s over.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Red began to fall to his knees he yelled. “Oh Arceus! ]
Not a thing. In-universe, that’s not only a dead religion, but it’s a dead religion somewhere else in the world.