Almost entirely positive! It’s a shame they also got tantrum reviews from Hybrid/Sevenways.
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13105597/
I’m upset that you got to this before I had the chance to reupload this XD
Most of the things you’ve mentioned are things I have in the process of fixing. Heh, this was put up for a competition today. I only put it here early as a first draft to get feedback so I could edit it last night and submit the final creation tonight.
As your opinion is very much wanted, I ask that you take a look at it after the completed version replaces this draft. For your ease, I’ll PM you when It Follows us replaced with it’s intended version.
17h agoAs promised, that particular piece has been updated with the intended version XD Well…I should say a more “correct” version. Definitely not perfect, but mostly different from what you looked at to begin with (and 2x the word length LOL).(As a brief side note: I looked into the beginning with Psyduck and Skiploom to double check, and those are their names. There’s just one of each of them, and it’s a small reference to an episode in the anime (I never saw it, but it is what I based my Rustboro Trainer School off of). I don’t capitalize pokemon species unless they are actually named that. If they’re capitalized, I mean to do that 9/10. During the editing process, I tried to make it a TAD more clear for better understanding. Hopefully, that helps.)
5h ago[I looked into the beginning with Psyduck and Skiploom to double check, and those are their names. There’s just one of each of them]Ah, in that case the problem is the “the”, that’s marking it as a non-name. “Pokémon like troublesome Psyduck and Skiploom wander around the chaos”. If you want it to be like “the troublesome Sammy”, then maybe attach nicknames as in “Pokémon much like the troublesome psyduck Quack and mischievous skiploom Lionel wander around the chaos”.
Anyway, I like the twist of the post-car-crash bit being a nightmare, followed by the twist twist that the cacturne is real and still coming, but the opening still escalates extremely quickly – and it is unclear if some of that is misremembered too, but the difference is, the car crash gives us a clear point where things start getting weird and a clear reason why that would happen, so it’s easy to follow/the reveal is satisfying, but having the narrative be fuzzy the whole time just compromises suspension of disbelief while it’s happening. Maybe if she was talking to her friends at the end of the day when they’re already going home, or even if they’re hanging out for a while after school so they’re not exactly supposed to be there. It’s easier to see her getting spooked into a run when she’s already got her stuff with her and already thinking of going home. She also doesn’t have to run – if she lives a good way away, she can’t run the whole way, so walking quickly, then walking quicker and quicker until she starts running because she’s scared, then stopping because she’s out of breath, would both be a more reasonable reaction and give the story a more gentle escalation.
re: Your review to Random Pokemon Short Story: Pikachu Is Dead
Oct 31nick the pikachu2
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13105224/
Thank you, I wish you Halloween too!
[You’re formatting dialogue incorrectly. Dialogue is written as [“Hello,” she said] or [“Hello!” she said], never [“Hello.” She said] or [“Hello,” She said] or [“Hello” she said] or [“Hello!” She said]. This is because dialogue and speech tags are considered to be part of the same sentence, so they have to flow together. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb. In that case, the second part IS considered a separate sentence, so it’s written as [“Hello.” She grinned], never [“Hello,” she grinned]. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like “laughed” or “giggled” is in the second category. (“Speak” is also not a speech verb.) Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s [“Hi,” she said. “This is it.”] not [“Hi,” she said, “this is it.”] or [“Hi,” she said “this is it.”] And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s [“Hi. This,” she said, “is it.”] The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks (or single quotes) with thoughts. This is because quotation marks for thoughts make it look like your characters are talking out loud, which is confusing to the reader.]
I was confused at first because I already know this, but then I decided to check the story and realize I made some mistakes. MY BAD! If I make some mistake with dialogue like capitalizing a word, I meant to leave it lowercase. Ah well, maybe I’ll triple check before posting.
[Your tone is all over the place. You describe this as “random” so maybe that’s somewhat intentional, but if so, that sort of contrast only works if done carefully and for a point. You seem to be throwing in Shakespearean English and five-dollar words simply for the sake of having them and not because you really understand how they work or have any greater purpose to their prescene in the story. You may find Mark Twain’s work, “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses” relevant on that and a whole number of other issues here.]
Yeah, I don’t know all the words. Maybe there’s a site a lists all words?
[Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.]
Yeah, I should probably tone it down. Anyway, thanks for the review!
re: Your review to Full Moon
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13094857/
Hey, thanks for the review!
For your first point, I don’t think you’re incorrect with this, and the rest of your statement offers good counters. However, I also think it’s important to look at the variety of media offered by Pokemon, one of which is the anime, which portrays Pokemon as much kinder than the games and not inherently dangerous. I do actually agree with you here that I should have worded that differently, but this was also from the perspective of a kid, and kids don’t tend to think things through. Fairly weak justification there though.
Yep, definitely used too many exclamation marks there. I think I was trying to remember how excitable I was at 13, but I didn’t do a great job with it and ended up a bit sloppy. Somewhat same with the simplicity, but at the same time I also could have done better there. Shouldn’t really make excuses for lazy writing.
Part of the confusion with the ending comes from the fact that I changed what I was doing with it halfway through, and didn’t end up creating enough explanation for the finished product. The original idea was to just have the Lunatone grab him and take his soul, but I couldn’t think of another reason for why the Lunatone were gathered in the first place and kind of got lazy there. The way that I put it doesn’t tend to make too much sense, and honestly might have been better if I had shown the Lunatone who gave up their energy to create the new ones dying or only creating one or two new Lunatone. Probably should have thought that through a little more.
I really appreciate the feedback, and especially appreciate that you put everything in a respectful and well thought out manner. I’m always trying to grow as a writer and this kind of feedback helps immensely.
5h ago[honestly might have been better if I had shown the Lunatone who gave up their energy to create the new ones dying or only creating one or two new Lunatone. ]
Yeah, it’d be really creepy is if he’s seeing them making new ones, but with every new one an existing lunatone sinks to the ground. It wouldn’t be immediately obvious that they’re dead/transferred but as it goes on, it’d start to raise the question of how there could be so many lunatone if one lunatone makes one replacement, and just as that question is really sinking in they see him, and then at the end there’s one more lunatone than they started with. That’d also be a good echo of the point raised at the beginning about no one knowing where they came from.
5h agoOoh yeah I like that. Would have a better buildup and make more sense for the celebration/gathering of the lunation as well. You raise some good points. I don’t tend to think through everything I do in full.
Hey, Farla! Thank you for the review. And yeah, HOF is being a bloody sock puppet, in a jet powered blender.
Now, for your questions.
First, that will be awnsered in the nest chapter.
Second, if forgot to mention that her daughter is a Alolan vulpix.
Third, she’s surrounded by seven humans, one armed with a can of gas and a box of matches, and one with a gun. Logically, she realises that she, if ahe fought back, would get shot, then burned.
Fourth, I actually forgot that gold can’t rust. That’s a big fault on my end.
Fith, Nixullium is not human, he just looks human. He is, technically, a legendary who can be harmed.It annoys me that there are only two actual crits on this story, which I take pride in due to how long it took me to make the chapter in the first place.
re: Your review to What Uxie Knows
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13082415/
It actually never occurred to me to think of this as horror. The story was only written as an ad hoc method of sharing a headcanon I’ve developed to explain why Alakazam aren’t the dominant species. Honestly, I know the setup (and possibly even the story itself) isn’t that good. I just don’t have any better ideas on how to execute it. Any suggestions (outside of explicitly stating what it is that they know, or having anyone figure it out)?
Oct 31Ah.Well, in that case I think you’d want to start by justifying why alakazam otherwise would be the dominant species – it’s not a problem that I think of as needing a solution because I figure they’re just really rare, so you want to be clear that it is a problem first, then give your answer to the problem. Something like having the character open by saying that it’s so weird either that there’s lots of alakazam around but they don’t seem to do much with their amazing power or intellect, or that kadabra seem to usually choose not to evolve even though it’d be easy to become alakazam would make it clear that’s the issue your fic wants to wrestle with. From there you could develop that they act weird and demoralized after evolving and then get into that they know this specific secret of Uxie’s. Maybe specifically talk about them lacking the willpower to do anything, explaining why it’s the willpower pokemon we’re hearing from. Like I said, it’s almost always best to put whatever your central piece is front and center, so if it’s about alakazam, have the questioner asking after them and establishing this background, that way the fic is about them from start to finish. (Having Uxie’s opening/closing would still be fine, I don’t mean literally every line has to be alakazam alakazam alakazam, just that they should be really prominent.)
Oct 31Maybe. That could work. I may try utilizing that when I get a chance. Though on the other hand, I’m not sure why Alakazam would be lacking willpower. The idea is that they quickly figure out that they’re in a game/anime/manga/fanfic and Uxie has them sworn to secrecy and not interfering with humans. I used Azelf because I wanted someone that’s close to the truth enough to give some accurate theories without actually knowing what’s actually going on, and Azelf is in a good position (no matter which canon) to be upset with Uxie if the latter /does/ know everything.On the same hand(?), wouldn’t that mean I have to change the title to “What Alakazam Knows”? Because at the moment the main focus is on how *Uxie* is all-knowing enough that it’s basically pulling a Doctor Manhattan. (the Alakazam thing is how the headcanon originated, but this was written more with Uxie in mind)
re: Your review to The Research Diary of Professor Cypress
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13107856/
Happy Halloween to you too!
Sorry for the lack of capitalization in the title. That was “3:00 A.M.” mistake if I have ever seen one!
I would like to thank you for the criticism on my little opening. Although there does not seem like much at the moment, that is because it is a preface.
A preliminary statement in a book by the book’s author or editor, setting forth its purpose and scope.
This is why it is so short. Also, the preface belongs to Cypress’ journal. So it would make sense that the opening does not elaborate on the other’s neglect, as that is not his priority.
Plus, one of the reviewers (Thanks by the way!) pointed it out that a Pokemon’s name is different from its species.
Ex: Pikachu, the mouse Pokemon.
The NAME is Pikachu, so it is capitalized. But the species is “the mouse Pokemon”. I understand the mix up though.
Thanks for the read, and I hope to see more of your critique in the future!
5h agoI think you misunderstand. I’m not saying you can’t have a preface, I’m saying that for your first chapter, your preface should be prefacing something. In a published book, it doesn’t come out three paragraphs at a time. People can look at the preface and immediately read the next line it’s a preface to.[The NAME is Pikachu, so it is capitalized. But the species is “the mouse Pokemon”. I understand the mix up though.]
“Ash’s pikachu is named Pikachu”, as I said. That reviewer goes around to just say the opposite of whatever I say – I corrected a spelling error in another person’s title and they responded that the spelling error was correct. To quote Simple English Wikipedia, “A proper noun or proper name is a noun representing a unique thing (such as London, Jupiter, John Hunter, or Toyota), as opposed to a common noun, which represents a class of things (for example, city, planet, person or corporation). Proper nouns are the only nouns in English which have the first letter capitalized.
As in, “Pikachu” is how we refer to the unique entity that is Ash’s pikachu and “pikachu” is how we refer to the class of pokemon that are yellow electric mice.
Subject: Thank your for wasting minutes of your time on me~
That is the only nice words you will hear from me Farla. I’ve known about you for awhile and it pleases me greatly to know that out of every other person on here, you choose to waste minutes of your life on me. Really, I’m touched. To some of your arguments, exactly how realistic are you trying to make a fictional story seem like? If you payed closer attention, you’d see that the manor is not something of this world to begin with, and this is a world filled with magical creatures. The only connections I made to the human world are that they still celebrate holiday traditions, seeing as there are other references to human traditions and animals with the cathedral in Sinnoh, and some Pokedex entrees mentioning animals like Elephants. I did make this story to theorize the children’s fate, but you choose to focus on the houses it replaces for that night, assuming it eats it. The house itself, isn’t alive. The thing inside, is. Glad to see that one fly over your head to for the sake of
trolling. And yes, children would be stupid enough to keep treat-or-treating despite this. Assume the parents never told them about this news to begin wit…
This message has been truncated due to length. To view in full, please visit site.
re: Your review to Encountering shades
A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13104109/
Really thank you for the time you’ve accorded to my piece!
And I personally think the English version is more complete than the French one. I know translating is hard, my studies and teachers will help me in that way.
I just need someone to read my English work, so I can improve my grammar and syntax. How do I get a beta reader ? Do I have to ask for someone on the site to be mine ?
5h agoWell, your other reviewer Firebright seems good at this, so you could ask her.
I have a thread on my forum as well, https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/11834/42724996/1/Beta-Thread-Signup-or-Request
This site also has a general beta reader section, https://www.fanfiction.net/betareaders/game/Pok%C3%A9mon/ so you could try messaging people there who look like they know what they’re doing. There’s even about forty people there who also know French – an English-speaker who learned French would be perfect to help, since they’d know things from the other side of it.
3h agoYeah, that’s interesting ! I’m going to check that out !
Thank you for everything :)