I descend upon carapace fandom again.
It’s against the rules to post non-story chapters. If you have something you want to say, it should be above your actual fic, not separate.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11618100/2/The-Decision-SlickPaint-AUs (SS, MP (HB, DD, CD))
[Jack “Spades” Slick was never a morning person, nor would he EVER be. He’d glare at the loud beeping of his alarm clock before picking it up and throwing it into the mess of a laundry pile]
A major component of his canon characterization is he absolutely loathes clocks and completely destroys them. Replacing that with a far more tepid and generic dislike of early morning alarm clocks doesn’t seem like an improvement. And if Boxcars is here to wake him up anyway, why give him an alarmclock in the first place?
[The well-kept male ]
[Speaking of said male]
Please stop abusing epithets.
[Huey Paint ]
Could you seriously not think of a better name for her than Huey?
[She was a pale blonde girl with bright blue eyes, pale skin with a cream tone.]
If you’re making the Derse group white skinned with black hair, she’d be dark skinned with light hair. If you figure the Prospitians should get white skin to match their white carapaces, then the Midnight Crew should be black. Making everybody white has some unfortunate implications.
[Heck, she already had the next few years of her life already planned out.
After high school she’d be right off and on her way to nursing school, where she’d get a special study in pediatrics and everything.]
Just because she’s helping Slick when he’s ill doesn’t mean that’s the beginning and end of her interests. The other carapacians we see have interests matching their starting job, and she cares enough about paint to carry that paint can all the way into exile.
[They were the rival gang in the highschool, vastly outnumbering them sadly, and with better supply also. Damn rich kids and their families…]
You realize that Slick was archagent? And Droog appears to be only one or two steps below that? And that the Midnight Crew are the ones who made and own the city, with the Felt being the interlopers?
Slick’s attitude is that the world owes him even more than he already has, not that he’s some poor baby up against the rich people.
[The diamonds male stepped out the last of his cigarette and nodded to Slick, adjusting his own homburg, before he casually strolled over to the two females who had been patiently whispering to each other as they had been glancing at the taller male.]
Seriously, the epithets are just painful.
[ it’s hinges]
Its for possessive. It’s it is.
Look, compared to many Homestuck characters there’s really not that much we know about these characters. If you’re going to write about *them*, you need to at least keep that much straight. AU doesn’t mean throwing everything out, it’s about figuring out how the same character could fit into a different setting. Slick getting woken up by his friends because he has a stupid thing about clocks would be how a high schooler with Slick’s behavior might function, Slick having an alarm clock like every other high schooler ever, and tossing it like every other cliche high schooler ever while making sure not to actually destroy it…is not really Slick. Ms Paint losing her actual interests in favor of the one she had for a few pages near Slick is also pretty concerning and suggests you’re not really thinking of her as her own character but just as a thing to give to Slick.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11715968/1/Right-Through-The-Heart (Crowbar (Droog))
A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short you threw together.
[He doesn’t understand how Droog can do this with such ease, keeping such a cold exterior, but then again, he probably hasn’t shown a true emotion in all his life. Or even had one. ]
If Crowbar’s had enough interactions with Droog before this to love the guy, he really should understand how Droog can do this with ease. When you’re trying to show there’s an established relationship in your story, particularly one central to your fic, you really want some evidence it existed at all. Crowbar really needs to sound like he’s intimately familiar with Droog rather than talking about him the same way all Droog fans do.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
[Crowbar knows that he wouldn’t survive, either way. He is aware tht he’s lost too much blood. ]
Except Stitch can, you know, stitch his effigy up and he’d be fine. I realize that’s less poetic than Crowbar sadly accepting his death, but it’s what you have to work with. Expand a bit and have Crowbar say he knows Stitch is dead because the wound isn’t closing, maybe tie in the idea that the Felt as a whole are dying just as Crowbar in particular is. Also, spellcheck.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11715940/1/The-Demise-of-the-True-Arbiter (PI, HD, SS, PS (DD, Death))
[Some, like Pickle Inspector, has seemed to try to convince themselves of otherwise, painstakingly trying to go about their normal lives and act like the detective wasn’t dead and everything was just fine, despite the fact that business was going more downhill than ever, and that the death of Kingpin caused smaller gangs to appear and cause more crime than there had been in the past, smaller, more sporadic and problematic crimes that could happen completely unplanned and kept the remaining members of Team Sleuth on their toes.
Pickle Inspector spent more time than ever wasted, imagining an existence where Sleuth was alive and they could celebrate the defeat of Kingpin without the arousal of the smaller local gangs.]
This is word salad. Try reading your sentences aloud, particularly when you’re writing longer ones.
[There was a lot of yelling and screaming within the hideout that night, all coming from Spades, himself. Screams of how Sleuth didn’t get the representation he deserved, that is wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fucking fair. ]
You really need to establish more here than just that the Midnight Crew existed at the same time. You do it well with Dame – she sees him briefly but it leaves an impression. Slick similarly met Sleuth briefly, but you don’t say anything about the impression it made and why it’s enough to stick in Slick’s head so long beyond that they feel guilt he’s dead. These aren’t, after all, people very prone to guilt, so there must be something more to why they care about Sleuth in particular.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11924583/1/Mafia-Lodged (Karkat, Aradia, Sollux, Tavros)
[First day of term and Karkat Slick was already sick of it. He sat at his desk, idly doodling in the corners of his french notebook. He didn’t like the teacher or the subject. Why did he need to learn a language he was never going to use and nor would 90% of the worlds population? If there was one thing his dad had taught him, it was that the one universal language was Money.
That and never to leave the house without a weapon.]
If you can’t figure out a way to write Karkat as Slick’s son without removing his character in favor of being Slick’s mini-me, maybe you should reconsider using this setup and just do the kids in high school without the extra baggage of Midnight Crew parents.
Poetry. Stand by my previous statements about it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11892512/1/Noir (Dirk (HB, SS))
[“Git up, ya worthless runt.”
A solid kick lands in your side, jerking you awake. You sit up to see a large, brutish Dersite scowling down at you. Your brain helpfully provides the name ‘Hearts Boxcars’ as you rise to your feet.
Your voice is flat. There’s no lost love between the two of you, in fact, a hatred. One of those hatreds so intense and yet completely inexplicable.]
It really doesn’t make much sense to be keeping a pet assassin who you hate and who hates you.
[“By the way…”
Spades’ voice floats down the hall after you.
“If you fuck this up, I’ll come after the both of you little shits myself.”]
Especially when apparently anything the person you don’t even want around can easily be done by other people.
It’s certainly possible to have an explanation that would work for this, but it absolutely needs some justification up front. Otherwise, it just looks like you’re doing a grim angst sue.
This feels a lot like it’s answering a question no one really asked.
So, Deuce liked bombs from an early age, and then he made something go boom as a teen, and then he’s recruited to make more things go boom by the Midnight Crew, and he’s super happy about it, and then suddenly at the end Droog is murdering some Spanish woman who’s somehow a member of the Felt.
You really need more to make a story worth telling. Maybe, instead of being an orphan so he has no ties or anything else interesting, maybe he accidentally blows up his house and family or blows up somewhere else and has to hide and fake his death so his family doesn’t suffer for it, explaining why he’s with a criminal gang beyond just that he has skills they can use. That sort of thing. What you have here reads like someone demanded you explain why Deuce is in the Midnight Crew and you grabbed the first explanation that came to mind, only caring that it excused his presence rather than that it was interesting enough to be worth spending the time going over.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12090913/2/Tales-From-Midnight-City (SS (Felt, OCs))
Hm, this one is rather the opposite. You do a nice job setting the scene, but it’s all for nothing – he wants to destroy a Felt casino but somehow needs to talk to the best information broker in all town to figure out which.
[ Address, Felt most likely to encounter, best ways to get back at them through the casino – Pallas had really thought of everything. But that was her job ]
Information broker doesn’t mean a person who plans your heists for you. At most, maybe she’d have blueprints Slick would use to decide how he’s going to attack the place, or know if something important was going to happen that’d alter the usual composition of guards. And we know Slick loves convoluted heist plans, so it’s not even that he’s lazy and desperate to outsource it enough that he’d pay extra to someone to do it for them.
There’s also the fact Slick’s impulsive, so he really doesn’t need to find out the exactly most optimal casino target but could go on things like which one he hates most, or which is infringing most on another business of his.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12072794/1/Chained (Aradiacester (Scratch, Signless))
[And so she’d waited. But she’d forgotten how distorted time gets when you’re constantly hopping around in the timeline, and it took her a while to realize that “soon” wouldn’t be as soon as her adult self had made it seem. While she waited, she became a petulant child because that was what Doc Scratch treated her as. As a petulant child, she threw tantrums and fits and sulked. And her powers grew.
After a particularly bad tantrum, he stole her voice just as she’d known he would. ]
She is not having tantrums or fits. She wasn’t being a petulant child. She was being horribly abused and fighting back against it to the point of repeatedly attempting suicide, with the goal being to abuse her to the point she’d commit atrocity after atrocity just to be allowed to finally die. And you’re taking that and saying she was throwing tantrums because she wanted something and he didn’t give it to her fast enough.
Why do people keep doing this.
He narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t immediately come up with a reason why Sleuth would be calling his own office. Even if he were trying to reach the other two detectives who had already gone home they had their own phones and there wasn’t anyone else that could be expected to be here. A pocket dial perhaps, or the man just being so blatantly stupid that he couldn’t figure out how his own phone worked.]
[“Slick, my fashionable and dedicated boss,” the other carapace said almost mockingly, “For what purpose does one call their own phone to leave ten minutes of silence on the answering machine?”
Slick abandoned the newspaper on the table and slowly stood, stretching out his limbs and yawning as he reached for the coat he’d thrown haphazardly onto the back of the couch before he sat down.
“He may be near a road of some sort,” Droog added after a moment.
“Great. Ain’t many of those around here,” Slick responded before pocketing the 10-4’s and heading for the car.]
Uh. Because it’s a pocket dial? Droog had a perfectly ready explanation for why he was calling in the first place. Leaving it running for ten minutes without talking fits perfectly with it being an accidental call that Sleuth wasn’t even aware of.
If you want Slick running around looking around for Sleuth with no further idea what’s going on, you need Sleuth to at least mumble something concerning before ending the call.
Also, if Slick’s concerned enough to spend the middle of the night driving around looking for Sleuth, he can probably manage the extra five minutes to bring the guy’s bloody and nearly frozen body to a hospital rather than just dumping him off in his bed.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12191357/1/Slick-s-Dream (SS (Snowman, Condesc, MP, DD))
[Spades Slick, or Jack Noir as he was known to the church and community, was kneeling at the altar inside his church in Shreveport, LA. He wasn’t completely sure about all this God stuff, even though he had become a deacon at said church (only because his wife had encouraged him to do it and he wanted to make her happy).]
Well. Even for the fandom, this is an impressive amount of OOC packed into the very first lines of a fic.
[It was his wife, Sandy, or Ms. Paint as she was better known. That’s what the kids in her Sunday school class called her and it had stuck even though she had changed her last name to Noir when she had married him.]
Oooor you could just say she didn’t change her name. I mean, it’s not like *Spades Slick* is even particularly attached to the name Noir, what with ditching it the first chance he got.
[She probably thought he was praying for the lost or lonely or some shi- crap like that. The truth was that he was trying to pray his past sins away.]
Why is his wife completely unaware of what sort of person he is? Canon Ms Paint seemed totally fine with the stabbings.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Perfect!” Snowman said, and held out her hand for him shake. He took her hand and shook it, though he couldn’t help but feel as though he had just made a deal with the devil.]
I’m not sure why you’ve set this up with Slick’s only thoughts about a truce being fear that she’ll betray him. You do remember that of the two of them, he was the one who betrayed her, right? And given he seems to know nothing about Snowman in this fic, it’s not even that since he did backstab her he figures she’ll do so in revenge now. I mean, he’s a jerk, it’s reasonable he’d assume other people are jerks too, but not that he’d go into this with completely good faith and just a nagging concern that she alone might be less the pure in her intentions.
[“Get it togedah, Slick. Ya’ve been sane enough for dis long, now is not the time ta jump off da deep end.” He chuckled little. He had been trying to speak in a more ‘proper’ way, but every now and then he would slip back into his gangster voice.]
…except that’s not what Slick sounds like as a gangster.
SS, MP (HB, DD, CD)
PI, HD, SS, PS (DD, Death)
Karkat, Aradia, Sollux, Tavros
Dirk (HB, SS)
CD, SS (DD, FOC, Felt, OCs)
Aradiacester (Scratch, Signless)
PS, DD, SS
SS (Snowman, Condesc, MP, DD)
Five of ten contain a female viewpoint character, two of ten is only female viewpoint characters, five of ten only male viewpoint characters. Not too bad by that particular metric.