Halloween Carapaces Part 1

Dec 6, 2013- Jan 8, 2014


https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9400045/1/The-Regrets-of-the-Skaian-Citizens

This sure appears to look like it involves carapaces, but it seems to be part of this larger and very shitty AU, that one that involved Kanaya referring to Doc Scratch as Doctor Plushyrump. I’m going to therefore classify it as all one giant story, followed by classifying it as extremely bad original fiction.

What a great start we’re off to.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9844161/1/Tangential

[So what you’re saying is, you made a MISCALCULATION?!” Karkat yelled.
“No,” Rose said.
“Well,” Karkat said, trying not to get a migraine, “WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?”
“A change in the Furthest Ring. I could not foresee it.”
“Neither could I,” Terezi put in. “Quite strange.”]

Your character voices are really poor. Everyone sounds the same except Karkat swears in capslock sometimes.

Karkat and Rose are both verbose characters. Rose explains stuff in detail. A lot of detail. Karkat’s vulgarity actually has little overlap to just shouting FUCK a lot. “OK I DON’T SEE HOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I’M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER’S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.” He’s, you know, clever about it. And the more upset he gets the longer and more elaborate it gets. And Terezi? Terezi is bombastic and also glories in Karkat’s breakdowns. And if this is meteor-depressed Terezi, then she’d be flatter and putting no effort into this, not speaking excessively formally.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9844161/2/Tangential

…and now it’s time for the thing where you introduce the characters well before the game starts and have them talk about the game all your readers are already familiar with. At least Rose appears to eventually break up the tedium…except her contribution amounts to saying hi, then the other character saying there’s something important to talk about with her and they go do that away from our viewpoint character, leaving their life (and this chapter) still totally boring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9844161/3/Tangential

And this continues to have way too much dialogue for way too little actual content. You’re throwing in prophesy now, but that’s not particularly interesting in itself either. Not only has the original comic already beaten in the concept of time loops and alternate timelines, so nothing seems particularly new here, but also it’s just generally not interesting to have characters with no actual characterization yet talking about their possible future in vague and uninteresting ways.

Just listing off character interests really doesn’t do anything to fix the problem of these guys being super boring.

Look, I know a lot of the text of the webcomic is told through people chatting with each other, but that’s because they’re both interesting characters and their chatting has more to it than just explaining the story’s plot. Also, it has vast sections of people not chatting but doing things, as depicted by lots and lots of pictures. The written equivalent would be to have your characters actually doing interesting stuff, not saying stuff was done sometime in the past.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9844161/4/Tangential

What the fuck is wrong with you.

In conclusion, taking chunks of an incredibly slow-paced, high-content, character-based webcomic and trying to rush through it in a plot-focused story continues to be a disaster.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9647906/1/Spurb

[Blood covered her porcelain face and she was doing her best not to cry. The one eyed beauty had been attacked again. ]

Good god your character is a sue. She’s got blue blood (that’s so pretty she looks pretty covered in it wtf) but she’s red-class anyway because she’s a poor orphan slated to be killed but she survived because she’s so special and everyone hates her because of this and she has a wolf guardian and she’s super gorgeous despite being on the lowest possible rung of society. Oh, and her caretaker’s a drunk, to get misery sue bingo.

Then you follow with unstoppable evil uber-thief girl who also is in line for the throne.

Plus a bunch of pesterlogs – just because they’re a feature of the original comic doesn’t mean you need to jam them in pointlessly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9929096/1/Why-You-Shouldn-t-Listen-To-Your-Friend-s-Dumb-Ideas

And here’s one abandoned one chapter in! God damn people, look at other people’s fanfic some time and try to avoid the most obvious mistake.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7634043/14/Dark-Melody

This is one whose author quit in a huff after I reviewed, then apparently they continued it slightly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9982162/1/Sburb

And another one chapter Sburb fic going nowhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9983373/1/My-Little-Doll-Stitch-x-Reader (Stitch, FOC (Snowman))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[It went all the way to just below my knees and was a glowing black like Snowman’s, only white instead of green.]

This is a really awkward description. “Glowing black” makes it sound like the glow is black. “Black like Snowman’s, only with a white glow instead of green” would’ve been far clearer.

[making you blush]
[making you really blush.]

You’re slipping into second person a bit. It can’t be both “you” and “I” for the same character.

[Third person perspective.
“Dearie, Stitch likes you.” Snowman said. After me telling her everything that happened earlier, that was the only thing that she could think to say?
“I need some advice, Snow!” Only you]

This isn’t third, this is second. Third is he/she/it. And “me” is not only first person, but grammatically wrong as well. And it just gets more of a mess from here on. You really needed to proofread this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9998342/1/Lime-Flavored (Bec Noir)

[Years had past since Bec had last seen his old home,]

It’s “passed”.

Write out numbers with letters.

You always capitalize “I”, not just when you feel like it.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

I’m impressed by the effort you put into carapace dog on lime porn, but you still need to make sure there aren’t basic mechanical errors.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10006471/1/Hearts-Boxcar-x-Reader (Slick, Boxcars, FOC (Snowman))

Exactly the same points apply as the previous one, so no point.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10006630/1/Fin-x-Reader-A-Homestuck-reader-insert (Fin, FOC)

And again.

Stitch, FOC (Snowman)
Bec Noir
Slick, Boxcars, FOC (Snowman)
Fin, FOC

11 Comments

  1. Ember says:
    “x-Reader”

    Oh my God why

    1. Farla says:
      What’s really confusing is the first was a commission, so the author had a perfectly good name!
      1. Ember says:
        Wait, commission? Not request — COMMISSION? As in, someone PAID them to write that?
        1. Farla says:
          Looking at their deviantart profile, they’re being paid 50 points per story, which is slightly over fifty cents.
          1. Ember says:
            …I’m not sure how I feel about that. Am I indignant about them taking any money at all, or about them undercharging? Surely it can’t be both.
            1. Farla says:
              If it makes you feel better, it really had nothing to do with Homestuck, and fifty cents seems about what the story was worth.
              Reply
  2. Katrika says:
    Uuuugh, the fantroll. If you want to write a redblood, write a redblood. If you want to write a blueblood, write a blueblood. And, no matter now inclined by nature to be nice they are, if your fantroll can’t at least defend themselves from attacks, that’s a severe, crippling flaw in Alternian society. My ‘nice’ fantroll is nice because she’s friendly, not because she’s helpless. She can still wield an ax like nobody’s business and won’t hesitate to use it if she’s being threatened, because she’s grown up in a hyperviolent, militaristic society. Tavros is an outlier!
    1. Farla says:
      But she has to be the most special oppressed princess!

      Tavros is an outlier!

      Not only that, but even he’s violent when he has opportunity. We know from his attempts to flirt with Jade that he’s entirely willing to murder people if he thinks it’s necessary and pretty okay with the fact he killed an innocent person by accident.

      Nonaggressive trolls are possible, but outright wusses die in their first conflict.

      1. Katrika says:
        Plus, his power is pretty incredible, to the point that I’d rate him as the most dangerous troll on Alternia tied with Feferi, because of his ability to commune with Gl’bgolyb – that hasn’t been confirmed in canon, but I’m VERY suspicious that had a lot to do with the fact that the Summoner very nearly managed to oust Connie. Vriska’s sway over him was /emotional/, not physical… or, not brute power-wise, I should say. Although she can control him when she needs to. Hm.

        MY POINT IS. Alternia is the wrong setting for your poor little woobie character. It totally breaks suspension of disbelief, because, like you said, wusses would be brutally and rather efficiently weeded from the population. That’s not a good thing, but it’s a thing that happens on Alternia.

        1. Farla says:
          Ooh, that’s a good point. It should’ve been easy to just say that fuck it everybody brown and under dies and wait a few decades for the next crop of lowbloods, so he must have been able to prevent that.
          1. Katrika says:
            Yeah, exactly! I mean, doing so would be tacitly admitting he was a threat to her, but heck, her solution of moving all adults off Alternia after his revolt was taken care of was /also/ such an admission. A lot of Alternian society relies on the illusion nothing can ever change or challenge Connie, imo, so the fact that she did that tells you just how much it rattled her.

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