Feb 25, 2014, page 110. A ways to go yet, but progress at least.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10029367/1/I-love-you-I-love-you (Caliborn (Alpha kids))
Hm. I feel you’re not really getting into Caliborn’s head. You’re just having him think a lot of stuff that’s already obvious to a human reader, rather than doing much with how his own thoughts might work. Plus the recaps of his kids could use more bile – “Then there was Jane. She was one of your favorites among the pointless females.” is hilarious, but then followed up with him being almost straightforwardly admiring in a way I don’t think he’d ever admit, even in his own thoughts. Caliborn really isn’t the introspective sort. I could see the moment of his death being a point he’d be more introspective than usual, but this feels like it’s largely stuff he’s already worked out before and is just recapping (which is also just less interesting than, in an unguarded moment as he dies, slipping up and actually thinking about stuff for once, and realizing how he really feels about each kid).
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
[“I STILL don’t see why we cash in and just hire a freakin’ maid.” Trace said, slouching slightly in his seat. “We’ve got the cash; we’ve got the space-”
“We’d get a cute girl to live with us!” Fin chimed in, as the two of them shared a snicker.]
This is really not such a funny thing ever since the whole business with the Handmaid.
[ITCHY – Bathrooms
DOZE – Windows
TRACE AND FIN – Lawn work
CLOVER – Attic
DIE – Basement
CROWBAR – Garbage
SNOWMAN – Bedrooms
STITCH – Laundry
SAWBUCK – Floors/Dusting
MATCHSTICKS – Chimney
EGGS AND BISCUITS – Kitchen
QUARTERS – Gutters
CANS – Garage/Wash car]
This is just absurd.
Some jobs need to be done far more often than others – the attic/basement vs bathroom comparison is particularly notable. Some jobs are not, in fact, valid jobs – if they don’t bother washing their clothes, that’s their own problem, and the fact your mom makes you clean your bedroom doesn’t mean adults would order someone to go around cleaning people’s private rooms when those are their private rooms to do with as they see fit. (It’s especially ridiculous in this instance where apparently you think all these guys are totally fine with their female coworker going through all their stuff.)
Then you make it clear this is you trying to pretend this is a family of normal people as opposed to a bunch of adults with magic powers by having Crowbar ban any use of those powers based on the idea Itchy’s speed gives him super strength [Don’t want you to end up scrubbing so hard you break the porcelain.] and so everything that follows can now generic “wacky hijinks” ie exactly the same thing as every other time that has nothing whatsoever to do with these particular characters or really, anything original at all.
The Hardest Scars To Overcome by DiaryOfADeadGirl reviews
. . . Are the ones on the inside. Vriska isn’t really right in the head – before or after her “breakup” with Eridan. Can he save her before it’s too late? TW: Depression, suicide-attempt, self-harm, anorexia, insecurity, self-hate. (Vriska (Eridan))
I have really no idea why you decided this was a story that makes sense for Vriska and Eridan.
Vriska broke up with him, not the other way around, and he was the one who kept trying to cling to that, not Vriska.
Their relationship’s never had anything at all in common with moirails and also Eridan’s MO with paleships is to constantly demand they pay attention to him while whining he isn’t getting laid, not breaking up with the other person for being too invested in him. (Admittedly, this is about no more baffling than the very idea you even could be moirails “without it meaning anything” when it’s a solely emotional relationship.)
We also see how Vriska handles actual rejection, and it is not killing herself under the impression she’s only bothering to live due to a relationship. Vriska’s canon life sucks, if she was the sort of person to kill herself for any reason she’d have done it long, long ago.
I’m trying to think of characters this story could fit less and I’m drawing a blank.
wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10068493/1/Betrayal (Feferi (Eridan))
I quite like your characterization here, particularly that Feferi both tries her best to talk Eridan out of it and doesn’t hesitate to kill him when she realizes it’s futile as well as how Eridan’s behavior flips when he realizes it’s her and how he just can’t understand why she has any problem with his genocide plan. However, [And though his weapon was ready and pointed at her chest, Feferi knew he wouldn’t shoot.] at the end is impossible to read as anything but her misjudging him given how things ended in canon, so while the rest of the scene seems to be suggesting she wins and stops Eridan, that bit changes it to be that he blows her apart and the story is cutting out not artistically but because the narrator suddenly has a gaping hole in her torso.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10067801/1/Isn-t-It-A-Lovely-Night (Aradia (Feferi, Sollux, Eridan))
Eurgh this one started off so well with Aradia making it clear that Feferi’s idea they can just be friends after she’s been turned into Feferi’s mutilated slave is nothing but selfish delusion, but then she feels sad about being so mean and Feferi says she’ll find Aradia’s morail only oops Sollux’s already in Eridan’s ship but Feferi’s so nice she’ll let them talk and Sollux explains that it’s so great being with Eridan and they have the best kismesistude and slavery is just super peachy so Aradia should be okay with this too and then she is and she admits she actually thinks Feferi’s favorite series that is basically the troll equivalent of stories about how the master and slaves are such great buddies!!!1! is nice and she was just saying it was a disgusting misrepresentation of everything about her actual life experiences because she didn’t want to admit how cute it was.
I think the worst part about these is how I get the horrible feeling the author thinks it’s story where two people are meeting in the middle, but really it’s always a story where one person does something horrible to the other person, the other person makes their abuser unhappy for a while by hating them, then the other person gets over it and maybe it was for the best after all and the evil person is happy.
I have made a horrible mistake in clicking on non-carapace things.
Another quickly abandoned sburb thing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10080866/1/Evil-Eyes (Aradiacester (Lord English, Stitch))
Eh. The eye horror is pretty gruesome, but given she’s regularly attempting suicide at a much younger age, it’s hard to believe even that, let alone the earlier stuff like getting shoved into a wall, would be treated as particularly horrible on the scale of her life.
[His punishments had become more… Sexual since she turned ten sweeps. She was an adult, and according to Lord English, she was ready to fully serve him.]
Also this is just gratuitous. There’s absolutely no reason for her to turn to the camera and say that specifically the abuse is sometimes rape now, just in case you were wondering, not going to be coming up today but definitely a thing that happens at some point.
Blocked! I wish FFN wouldn’t display the review box in that case. I actually like review box over the popups from before, but at least you could check with those.
What would happen if you combined sburb fic and submit your own OC fic??? Nothing because both of those are known for not updating.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10103950/1/Grim (Rose (Bec Noir))
“Its” is the possessive, “it’s” is short to “it is”.
This really isn’t much. It’s a scene from the comic with an obvious end that ultimately didn’t matter because Rose had a backup life.
Another sburb fic that died before anything happened.
Well, this sure is a mess.
[John never understood why his Dad]
“Dad” is only capitalized when used in place of a name. That means if you have a word like “a” or “his” in front of it, it’s lower-case.
It makes no sense to say the Midnight Crew would balk at harming someone who has a kid when they’ve made it clear they’re fine killing kids. If Slick actually wants to steal a kid, it’d make more sense for him to just decide he’d rather take the kid and call the debt paid without adding in any nonsense about not hurting people.
[“I had to. Debts to collect, and you did want a kid. I thought of you when I saw him. And I want my lil lady to be happy as peaches.”
“Honestly, we could’ve gone to an adoption place for a child. But I guess what’s done is done.]
If you want everyone, included theoretically non-evil characters like Ms. Paint here or John himself, to accept that he has to stay there, you’re going to need more reason for it than that someone grabbed him from his totally unharmed dad, who is still right in the same city for him to go back to at any time. If his father was dead (or even if he just thought his dad was dead) this would might slightly more sense.
Finally, there’s really no point in writing supposed fanfic if you take a character, then give a rushed summary of how he’s totally different than his canon version now because he’s been raised by mobsters and killing people as a preteen and using a completely different name. At this point, you’re writing about an OC. The story of John turning into the person who tortured and killed someone at twelve is a story about John the character from Homestuck, the story of how some nineteen year old formerly named John is getting involved in a gang fight is a story about your OC Ace.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9269131/3/Midnight-Shadows (Droog (Snowman, Crowbar, Clover, Cans))
[“Oh shut it,” he retorted, cutting her off and pulling his arm away roughly. “I’m tired of followin’ orders from a pussy-ass bitch who’s too afraid to act. I’m tired of it.”]
Crowbar’s complaints do inadvertently raise a good point – why is Snowman relying on him to beat Droog and otherwise not doing anything interesting herself? Also, why doesn’t she rip his arm off at this point or something? She does appear to be in charge, as was originally claimed, but she doesn’t seem to actually have much power – Crowbar’s obeying her only until he feels like maybe not obeying her might be better, and even before this point he spends the scene complaining and disagreeing with her. Why would she put up with any of this?
Wow. I honestly did not even remember this one and tried to review the first chapter. But hey, turns out the third chapter is going kind of Sapphine of Alternia on us, so it’ll probably stick in my mind from now on.
Caliborn (Alpha kids)
Vriska (Eridan) (not counted)
Feferi (Eridan) (not counted)
Aradia (Feferi, Sollux, Eridan) (not counted)
Aradiacester (Lord English, Stitch)
Rose (Bec Noir)
Droog (Snowman, Crowbar, Clover, Cans)
Four of seven. Not bad.