Halloween Carapaces Part 5

I’ve reached Jul 5 and page 50.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9991229/1/SYOCstuck (FOC)

More sburbfic, got farther than usual in word count but not really in plot.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10337675/1/Our-Session (FOC)

Here’s a one chapter one.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10227960/1/Sburb-Omega (FOC)

These are all so aggressively tedious.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10347286/1/Welcome-to-the-show

[I know that this isn’t homestuck but they dont have a creepypasta section]

That’s because creepypasta isn’t fanfic, as is obvious to anyone with brain cells. Go to Fictionpress instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10362268/1/The-First-Time-a-Dirk-x-Calliope-fanfic (Calliope (Dirk))

This seems really OOC, even before we get into Dirk being gay. The only connection this has to the characters is Calliope being insecure about her appearance, and you completely phoned that in when you have her thinking she’s “too pale” and Calliope in canon covers herself in significantly lighter makeup than her skincolor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9221731/1/Eternally-Stuck-in-a-Apocalypse (John (Doc Scratch, The other kids))

[” For those of you do not know, Lupus Erythematosus is an autoimmune disease that becomes hyperactive in a human’s immune system and begins attacking normal, healthy organs and tissue. Lupus can affect any part of the body, causing inflammation and damage in joints, skin, kidneys, heart, lungs, blood vessels, or the brain also, giving skin rashes when exposed to the sun.”
“I am apart of this “anonymous group” and we have created a special solution to cease side effects of this disease.”
“Ooh. So what exactly is this cure Doc Scratch?”
” The solution of this fatal disease is a parasite. A parasite that we inject into the individual and it simply eats away the disease.”]

Well, you’ve sure illustrated the limits of Wikipedia or wherever you got the explanation from. Information is useless if the person doesn’t have a clue what a word of it means.

“Auto” means self. “Immune system” is the thing that is supposed to destroy foreign things in your body, including parasites. “Autoimmune” means the immune system has decided to target “self” the way it does foreign things. Lupus is not a “disease that becomes hyperactive in a human’s immune system”. Lupus IS the immune system being hyperactive. That’s why it’s so hard to treat, because there is nothing in particular to target. You have the choice of letting the immune system destroy the body’s tissues or knocking out the immune system and then having actual diseases come in and destroy the body.

Ironically, one way of handling autoimmune problems (as well as their related issue, allergies) actually is to introduce parasites, but it’s for the opposite reason. It’s to give the immune system a target to keep it busy.

If you want a “parasite” that “eats away” disease, pick a disease that’s caused by bacteria and therefore actually around to be eaten. Also, maybe learn what parasite means along the way.

Incidentally, as Wikipedia is just as happy to inform you, we actually have lupus relatively under control and it isn’t some super fatal disease we desperately need a magic parasite for. And if you want a parasite for a major cause of deaths, you want something targeting heart disease. That’s almost a thousand per day in America alone, compared to lupus’ maybe two thousand a year. It could eat the gunk building up in people’s arteries. If you’re not primarily motivated by how much relatively well-off countries will pay you for your cure and are supposedly philanthropists, then instead of making an injectable parasite, make something that’ll eat parasites in the water. And if you’re dead-set on a parasite eating “disease” make it something that noms on cancer cells.

(Also, this has jack to do with zombies or a zombie apocalypse.)

[“Also. I would like to say. This… Lupus disease… we may have also had a theory more on about the disease itself.”
“And what would that be Doc Scratch?”
“Ma’am. Notice how colds and flu viruses can be spreadable by human contact?”
“Yes. Sir, those viruses are spreadable by touch.”
“Well, possibly the Lupus Disease…”
“Are you saying that your group has found out more about the disease, that this Lupus disease could be spreadable by touch?”]

So I was going to say that the previous bit was perhaps stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in fanfic, but you already outdid yourself.

Seriously, if you’re too stupid to make sense of the information any google search provides, don’t write about it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10352688/1/The-Impossible-Guide-to-Sburb (N/A)

[It already looked complicated? Well, damn, sorry princess, you have to learn something! (or prince, or whatever pronouns you go by, not going to label you.)]

…Okay, so the only reason that phrase uses “princess” it to say “sorry you’re apparently a dumb girl, because only girls could be so dumb and whiny”. So not only is it not about preferred pronouns, but there’s absolutely no point in it if it isn’t an insult.

If you want a mildly condescending gender-neutral term, you want “sorry kid”. You could also use “buddy” or just cut out the word entirely and get “Well, damn, sorry, you have to learn something!” You have other options than writing the first thing that comes into your head and then tacking on a clunky takeback of it that doesn’t even make sense. Delete keys exist for a reason.

[I am antiquatedCreator, which basically means I’m a maker of old.]

No, it doesn’t. It means you’re an antiquated (outdated) creator (a person who creates anything). Outdated person who creates (some sort of stuff), which admittedly does work with your fumbling attempt at gender inclusiveness. Being “antiqueCreator” would be closer by meaning “making of antiques”, and even then, it’d still be equally readable as “a creator who is an antique”.

As to the chapter in general, you come off as defensive and whiny over the fact there’s already sburb guides out before yours, then proceed to ramble rather than focusing on anything useful. This doesn’t read like it’s intended as guide at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10383828/1/Red-Hearts (Boxcars (MC, Felt, FOC))

[“Snowman’s trying to recruit a female.” Slick almost spit his coffee on Droog for a moment.
“Oh great,” said Slick, “now what, is she gonna replace all of her members with girls so we can’t punch’em!”]

Given Jack’s enthusiasm for stabbing Jane to death, he obviously hasn’t the slightest issue punching girls. Whoever Snowman’s recruiting is likely an adult woman, and therefore it wouldn’t make sense even for a non-mass-murderer character to have an issue fighting with them.

[“It ain’t nice to hurt others!” the female punched Matchsticks in the mouth and wacked Quarters on the back of his head with that baseball bat again. ]

Also, even if you could justify referring to women as “female” as only sort of misogynistic bullshit that’d come out of Slick’s mouth, despite the fact Slick himself has a different vocabulary, it’s now in your narration.

And even if her actions here are meant to be hypocritical due to hurting others for hurting someone, there’s the additional wrinkle that the Felt are only hurting Boxcars because he attacked them first, and that, in general, it is just not a good idea to try to write the Midnight Crew as the victims in anything.

Your story is also riddled with grammar mistakes. Proofread better, get a beta, and generally try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10389278/1/Hello-Homestuck (FOC)

It just keeps not happening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10386798/1/Nothing-Left-to-Say (Karkat (???, Sollux, Lolarious cutting))

[Faggot!
“Shut up!” I yelled, suddenly very thankful that no one was home.
How about you make me shut up you worthless fuck!
I had named the voice in my head Jack. I don’t know why, but I felt he needed a name.]

I can’t even tell if you saw no problem making up a brand new character who shares the name with a canon character or if you think this is IC. Either way, pretty annoying.

Also your grammar has issues and you should’ve done more research on schizophrenia if you’re going to claim Karkat’s got all the symptoms, all of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10388724/1/Schoolstuck (Karkat (Kankri, presumably more but fuck if I’m reading further))

“When a group of friends all decide to play the game Sburb, how are they going to deal with the killing the boss and sorting out their school lives?” The cast is all the canon characters. Not IC, or anything, AU characterizations and relationships all the way! All the bad stuff of an alternate universe fanfic, but without the different setting.

Also all the trolls are trolls, but their lives are exactly the same as humans.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6973608/1/SPerl

Look, here I am!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10451120/1/Weight-of-the-Crown (MOC)

And still more sburb fic that goes nowhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10455561/1/Mafiastuck (N/A but from the bit I can make out between broken formatting, the girls actually look like the more important ones.)

Next time, be slightly less incompetent and bother to look at what you’re uploading.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10050450/1/When-Midnight-Shatters (Aradia (Droog, Damara, Sollux, Tavros))

This all seems OOC to the point I don’t see why you aren’t just using your own characters.

Droog seems like it could work if you put more effort into writing him as a mobster rather than just saying he’s one – it’s reasonable for people to behave differently for their kids. But Aradia and Damara don’t sound anything like themselves, they seem like you just wrote daughters for Droog and slapped the names on them afterward. Even Damara’s connection to the Felt doesn’t work because you’ve removed all the reasons she lost it in canon – she didn’t even have troubles with her boyfriend this time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10464854/1/The-Gamma-Session (MOC)

Sburb one that actually manages to get to two chapters and ends with a tiny paragraph involving carapaces. Unfortunately it’s otherwise the usual terribleness.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9185507/5/Prospit-and-Derse-Never-apart (Humans, Trolls)

Also, it’s super annoying how there are all these stories about or referencing Prospit/Derse that are all about the humans and trolls.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9300217/1/FILE-CORRUPTION (MOC)

Sburb.

Also, I skipped this initially assuming it was a repost of something I reviewed, but the author of Drawing Dead said I’ve never reviewed it, so:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10354744/1/Drawing-Dead (PS, Slick)

Stop putting semicolons everywhere.

Your formatting is messed up – sometimes there’s a space between paragraphs, sometimes there’s not and they blur together. Space between is standard for a reason.

The rule for dialogue of new speaker = new paragraph is better thought of as a part of the general rule of new subject = new paragraph. As such, you generally shouldn’t have a paragraph about what one character is doing and then jam another character’s dialogue in at the end.

[ The impatient detective trialed Jack’s temper as he spoke up before him.]

My best guess here is that you mean “tried”, and this whole sentence is a disaster. Why are you telling that the detective was impatient when the focus should be on the detective’s words? Wtf is “spoke up before him” doing there? That should mean the detective has angered Jack by speaking up before Jack did, when what appears to be actually angering Jack is either the detective being pushy about how Jack should be talking or the detective talking at all.

The writing throughout has this sort of problem, like you kept trying to polish sentences until you’d completely lost track of what they were actually saying.

The way Jack’s acting here makes little sense. You make it clear he doesn’t want to be there and it makes little sense he’d care about talking to the police rather than dealing with this on his own, yet he’s reasonably talkative and completely blindsided by the idea that a series of questions about how well he got along with the guy and how often they got into huge fights might be going in the direction of accusing him of being the killer.

This would probably work better if more of the talking was on the detective’s side, trying to get information out of Jack, rather than Jack rambling on at the slightest hint of an opportunity to chat. The detective asks a similar series of questions, trying to get more than a yes/no sort of answer from Jack, then Jack’s explosion about how he didn’t kill his friend would have more of a sense of building anger.

[“There was no solid case or evidence that said I ever committed those felonies, Detective; ain’t this investigation supposed to be going towards my missing coworker and not about how I conduct my personal life? Yeah, I broke a few rules, but who doesn’t? I did my times-worth of dealing with the police, but conspiracies, detective, aren’t part of your job description.” Jack shrugged, glaring eyes having yet to pull away from the detective’s. “I admit, I can be a bit corked here and there, and I may have a few nicks and knacks that can’t be repaired, but I’m the man who made this city for what it is. If it weren’t for me, punk, you wouldn’t be in this city, sitting where you’re sitting and working on this damn case of my missing friend.”]

And again with Jack’s inability to shut up, he’s just stated for the record that he’s totally broken the law at times.

[Reviewing the results from his blood, it was found that he had been intoxicated – meaning booze, and lots of it. More than double the amount of the average daily drunk. This suggests that he was drinking previously to his kidnapping and the torture induced actions had taken place shortly after the place of abduction.”]

That’s really not what it suggests at all. If you want to do mystery sorts of plots, you need to have a grasp of what you’re talking about. Also, “torture induced actions”? The actions the torture induced? Reading through this is a chore. You’ve got most of the right words and maybe half the time they’re arranged in the right order. The first and most important part of writing is just putting it down in a way that can be understood.

[ First thing I noticed was his door was unlocked and had been opened. It wasn’t just opened, it was forced open.”]

See this is nonsense. Unlocked doors are just opened. A door that’s been forced open is a door that is broken, not unlocked.

Also, the detective sounds nothing like Sleuth, and Problem Sleuth is a private detective, not a police detective.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9977639/1/Busted (DD (PI))

[ Strange… The man’s not fidgety; isn’t skittish..]

It’s kind of surreal having your character say it’s strange the PI isn’t acting like his OOC fanon self.

“It’s” is short for “it is”, “its” is the possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10055889/1/Make-Her-A-Member-of-the-Midnight-Crew (PM (AR, OCs, Midnight Crew))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Delivering mail to the occupants of Midnight City is usually gratifying work, but downtown is a different story. There’s always the risk of petty thieves attacking her for her parcels, which most of the time contain harmless and worthless objects. Furthermore, gangs lurk in every corner, just waiting to spring on their next target. Then, of course, there are the gunshots, the sound of doors slamming echoing up the streets, the stray screams cut short …
She hates this city, but there’s nothing else.]

It’s Slick’s city, though. I’m really not seeing how living in this city until one day it kills her police officer husband means she’s willing to kill police officers so Slick can get away with stolen money.

The writing of this is done well enough, but PM’s behavior in the opening still doesn’t have even a hint of making sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10055889/2/Make-Her-A-Member-of-the-Midnight-Crew

[PM pauses, furrowing her brow as the beginnings of an idea start to take shape. How far is she willing to go for AR?
The longer she thinks on it, the more convinced she is that there is only one course of action open to her if she truly wants justice for AR. She has to destroy him from the inside, has to get in close so she can get him where it hurts.]
[She stares him in the eye, rage and pure hatred boiling up from within her as she looks in the face of AR’s killer. She swallows it down, though, holding his gaze steadily as she replies, “I would like to join the Midnight Crew.”]

Still not working.

I appreciate that it’s got her hating Slick, and you definitely write him well. But revenge on someone for killing her husband can come in other forms than helping out that someone kill lots of other people’s husbands first. There’s no reason she has to join his gang rather than just shooting him now.

I’d actually buy this more if it were taking place back on Derse, where she only had a sword on hand she’d never used before and was understandably unsure she could take on a stabby psychopath. That’s a setting where waiting and plotting might make more sense. But there’s no lack of guns in Slick’s city, and things are shitty enough she should be used to combat. (It’d also have helped if AR was the lone good cop and the others threw him under the bus here, as opposed to the police desperately wanting to do something but not able. In that case, it’s easier to see PM viewing shooting police along the way as completely acceptable or even part of her revenge.)

And if it’s just a matter of her purposely choosing not to shoot him now because she wants him to suffer, even if it means hurting all sorts of innocent people before she even gets a chance at her convoluted revenge scheme, then she’s pretty evil herself and really, really not doing this for AR.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10055889/3/Make-Her-A-Member-of-the-Midnight-Crew

And now PM is agreeing to go rough up or kill people to collect the money instead of taking Slick up on the sex and just stabbing him, at which point she is just shocked to realize she’s hurting people in pursuit of her revenge, and then she tries to justify how it’ll be better once Slick is gone despite the fact she is deliberately delaying the getting rid of Slick part.

Look, the idea of PM having to work for the Midnight Crew despite loathing them has plenty to mine from it, but you have to explain why she’s doing it. She can’t have plenty of really obvious better options that she’s not taking.

For example, PM’s excuse to Slick is that she thinks the Felt are behind it. If the Felt are around and she wants to ruin Slick, offering to help them seems like an easier method as well as making it that much less plausible that anyone woul think killing Slick alone will fix everything wrong. However, if her goals were to destroy both gangs entirely, then the idea it’ll fix the city makes more sense, and her ends justify the means stuff becomes understandable. Maybe AR dies in one of the spats the MC and Felt have or something, so she’s motivated by more than just killing Slick.

Or in conclusion, hey Ember, someone’s trying to do a Midnight City version of the Doll universe.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10118586/1/It-Was-Only-A-Game (MOC)

Sburb fic that ends long before anyone gets the game.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10472938/1/Yet-another-session-of-the-game-that-makes-no-sense (MOC)

And yet again, more sburb fic.

It actually makes me feel kind of bad, and like I should keep an eye on the front end of the category to review these as they come.

I haven’t been commenting on reviews, but it’s the usual dismal state of the last few years, with few to none even on these old stories. People can’t be expected to learn from mistakes if they never figure out they’re making mistakes in the first place.


FOC
FOC
FOC
Calliope (Dirk)
John (Doc Scratch, The other kids)
N/A
Boxcars (MC, Felt, FOC)
FOC
Karkat (???, Sollux, Lolarious cutting)
Karkat (Kankri, presumably more but fuck if I’m reading further)
MOC
N/A but from the bit I can make out between broken formatting, the girls actually look like the more important ones.
Aradia (Droog, Damara, Sollux, Tavros)
MOC
Humans, Trolls
MOC
PS, Slick
DD (PI)
PM (AR, OCs, Midnight Crew)
MOC

MOC



Nineteen total. Eight of twenty-one.

Minus OCs, we get ten stories, four of which have female POVs.

3 Comments

  1. Ember says:
    It’s not the first time. It always turns out baffling.

    This one took Coz’s nickname from Midnight City, too!

    1. Farla says:
      It’s a shame it seems to have stopped, because I’m really curious what’s up with the listed pairings. PM/SS seems like the author might only mean the one-sided current situation, but apparently there’ also PM/DD in the pipeline…
      1. Ember says:
        Oh God. Well they’re clearly someone who’s familiar with the old school carapace scene so who knows, maybe they ship it from that one formspring RP.

        Also, don’t feel too bad for its loss. I’m sure some other equally mind-breaking clearly-Dollverse-inspired thing will pop up sooner or later. It never seems to stop.

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