Halloween Carapaces Part 6

DONE.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10525809/1/You-Need-A-Drink (PS (SS, PI))

“Poetry.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10528563/1/Homestuck-The-Tales-Of-The-Forgotten (OC (MOC))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Probably sburb related. Doesn’t even get that far.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10537982/1/Spades-Slick-x-Reader-p-r-i-n-c-e-s-s-lemon (FOC (Slick))

[This originally was on my DA account (before it got taken down) and I managed to save it on my computer before it was gone. Sadly, that didn’t happen with all of my lemons. Which is the reason why I’m uploading all lemons on FF instead from now on!]

Uh, FFN goes on delete sprees all the time. If you want a site that’s safe, you want archiveofourown dot org. They’re happy to host any sort of porn or anything else.

[Slick has a low tolerance for a lot of things, clocks taking the number one place.
He hated their slow ticks, mocking him with the passage of time.
Hurry up, Slick, it mocked.
Times-a wasting.
Not getting any younger, Slick!]

This seems a weird interpretation given it’s not even clear if chesspeople age in canon.

[You nursed him back to health, because your father thought he might know valuable information about the kingdom next door; believing Slick to be a villager of theirs who had wondered too far, crossing the boundary line between the kingdoms. But you knew the truth and recognized Slick from his Wanted: Dead or Alive posters.]

And how does she know if the king and none of his advisers know?

If it’s important to you that she knows a secret, having him mumble information while he’s asleep would be a much better choice than saying there’s wanted posters that somehow only she’s seen.

Please stop using semicolons.

[Hanging loosely from his lips was a fag.]

Don’t use that term. It’s less edgy and more just obnoxious.

[“Just out of curiosity, where do you get that kind of stuff?” you asked him. Certainly neither you or the people working in your castle gave him illegal contraband, as the king had declared all drugs, alcohol and cigarettes against the law.]

Okay, see, that’s just absurd. It’s not like canon Slick even smokes all the time. You’re giving him magic cigarette generating powers because….? Even if you just really like the idea he’s smoking, just say they exist and move on rather than slamming the story to a halt to say this is extra impossible and ridiculous but it’s going to happen anyway.

[You came to his bedside, running the pads of your fingertips down his chest, as if checking to see if his cracked rib was still tender of if it had begun to heal. But mostly you just wanted to quench your hunger for this mans body.
“Easy there, kid,” Slick smirked. “This could be considered sexual harassment. Even this shitty kingdom must have laws against that.”
“It’s only considered harassment if the receiver doesn’t find it pleasurable.” ]

You’ve done a great job illustrating here this kind of talk still sounds totally rapey with the genders flipped, and saying it’s “flirtatious banter” doesn’t do anything to change that. There’s other ways of flirting than having one person object and the other person saying shut up you were asking for it. It doesn’t even make sense Slick would be talking like this and seems to just be creepy for creepy’s sake.

Also, no, first times aren’t supposed to feel like being stabbed.

Your story is also absolutely packed with grammar issues and typos. Proofread better and find someone to beta read.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10553799/1/Not-Enough-Pills-in-the-Bottle (DD (MOC))

You’ve really got to stop using so many epithets. Names are fine. And stuff like [The diamond had to breath in deep] is just flat out ridiculous.

You’ve also got a ton of typos throughout this.

Characterwise, this really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Droog. It’s a character whose personality revolves around losing the person he was in love with before, when it’s debatable if canon Droog even could love someone at all and the pairing itself is a crackship that takes work to explain, so it really doesn’t work well to completely skip over that and start the story afterward and just insist it was the most perfect relationship ever and Droog is devastated. The closest this gets to IC is the violence, and given the violence is all loss of control and threats, without even actually managing to murder the guy, it’s not particularly akin to Droog’s behavior.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9481199/1/Inconsequential

Sburb fic. Reviewed a good chunk of it before, it’s tripled in chapters and they appear to still not be in the game.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10578345/1/Sburb-Another-Story (OC, FOC)

More sburb.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9878128/1/A1-The-Alpha-Trolls-Session

Okay, cheating. This is fifty chapters, seems to have the Felt and MC as reasonably important, and I’ll have to come back to it later.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10590380/1/Skaia-Only-Watches (MOC)

One paragraph “fic”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9704561/1/A-Stabdads-Story

Reviewed the first couple chapters way back, the author does seem to have addressed the complaint that it was weirdly focused on the male kids. Otherwise, like so many third gen stabdads stuff, it’s basically Humanstuck AU with quirky background parents sharing names with MC and Felt.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10540005/1/The-Other-Session (MOC)

10 chapter sburb fic that only just managed to install the game.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10640878/1/Reader-x-Clover (MOC? only reference I can find is Fin saying “Thanks, man” at the end (Clover, Fin))

[You ask him if everything’s alright
Clover shakes his head no.
Of course, that was a stupid question, the kid is crying for fuck’s sake, he wouldn’t be if things were okay.
You ask him if you can help him with something instead.
He nods and tries to wipe away the stream of tears.
“I-I’m lost…”]

This really doesn’t make sense. Even aside from the fact he’s not a kid, he’s just short, there’s the really big problem that his ability is luck and this entire fic relies on him being unlucky and needing someone’s help.

Also, you really need to learn to use paragraphs rather than hitting enter after each sentence.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10640855/1/Reader-x-Quarters (FOC (Clover, Trace, Itchy, Quarters))

Same thing, but with porn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10640843/1/Reader-x-Sawbuck (OC (Sawbuck))

[These guys have a moral after all.]

I think you mean “have morals”. The plural is a general sense of right and wrong, the singular is a particular lesson you’re supposed to learn.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10641315/1/Reader-x-Slick (OC (Slick)) (I think FOC, but there’s actually no clear reference to the character’s genitalia I can find and only Slick calling them princess mid-sex as far as gender goes.)

Huh. This is a big improvement in terms of characterization. Slick’s presented as selfcenteredly pushy rather than suave, and the main character initially reacts with fear and confusion, which makes sense, only actually hooking up with him when he gets more honest and less threatening, as well as because there’s a practical advantage right then.

Hey, I’ve reached page 25!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10694081/1/Reader-x-Fin (OC (Fin))

Last one, and it continues the trend. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a girl because that’s how it sounds and there’s no mention of having a dick, but it’s just “lube, then dick in ‘entrance’, hits ‘spot’, vague orgasm”.

They also have this up on AOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, where you divide stories up by which genitals are mashing together. The stories are all labelled “Other”. Maybe they’re deliberately trying to write the reader as of ambiguous sex. But the Quarters one is labelled the same and that one’s definitely female. Who knows?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10692059/1/Problem-Sleuth-Masochist (SS (MC, PS))

[your also notorious members of your crew]
[ One of your members of your crew ]

THE. THE members of your crew. I get that it’s second person but you don’t need to beat the reader over the head with the pronoun.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“That was just a rumor!”,Boxcars rebuttals back]

That’s not a rebuttal, it’s just an argument.

[the others have noticed this but have decided to stay quiet about there discovery due to the possibility of you abruptly letting your rage out more often then usual on the others.]

Your sentences are such convoluted messes. “There” is a place that isn’t “here”. You want “their”. And sentences about how people are scared shouldn’t ramble along in euphemism and extra words. “the others had noticed but stayed quiet out of fear you’d immediately vent your rage on them”. See how much shorter that is?

[You stare down at your shaking hands and the feeling overwhelms you again,the feeling that you just need to stab something,to see metallic crimson flow from someones body.]

Apostrophe for possessive. Also, blood smells metallic, it doesn’t look metallic. Thirdly, it’s Slick, it’s not like he has morals. If he’s depressed he hasn’t stabbed someone recently, he’d just stab someone nearby and move on with his life.

[“Speaking of inspectors..”, Deuce says casually with a mischievous smile as he turns to Droog. “How have you and Inspector Pickles been doin’?”

Droogs eyes go wide at this statement but then he goes back to his stotic composure a second later. “Me and the inspector are not dating. We’re not even friends.”

“Ok so what about that time he invited you over for tea?”, Deuce says slyly with a grin.

“Or that time he made you that candy hat?”, Boxcars joins in.

Deuce was at a loss of words. Sure maybe the inspector had invited him for tea and he actually went. Sure maybe he made him that ridiculous hat and he kept it but that didn’t mean anything.]

Way to illustrate why this is not a pairing to throw in as an afterthought. It’s now canon DD is murderous about fashion and proper hat wear. Someone giving him a ridiculous hat isn’t grounds for him to sigh and keep it. It’s grounds for him to force them to dig their own grave at gunpoint. If you want Droog to like PI, instead of trying to prove it’s love by showing how OOC PI can make him, show something Droog might actually respect/appreciate from the guy. After you successfully show Droog liking PI, you can then add that it turns out Droog was fond of him to the point he put up with the gift of stupid hat.

And now Slick is covered with deep cuts because he can’t stand the bloodlust and also he’s too stupid to just walk over to one of the bars he can see and start stabbing someone there.

Look, I can see what you were trying to do but Slick is a horrible person who murders people all the time. The only time he’d have problems channeling his bloodlust is if he’d already blown up the universe and so was out of people to stab.

If you want something he can’t just get with a random mugging, maybe have him wanting people to properly fight back while being stabbed rather than just die, and that’s why he’s struggling with the urge to attack his crew and what PS in particular can provide.

This is one of those fics whose summary ends at “Trigger warnings”, thus representing the absolute nadir of the warning and triggers debate.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10700856/1/Jack-I-m-Flying (Jack (Rose))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Crackfic means a weird idea, it doesn’t mean a weird idea you then write as badly as possible.

Reached page 20!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10712434/1/Important (DD, SS (HB, CD))

[ For five days straight you haven’t slept a wink due to the things you been having to do. You have to keep an eye on the crew’s finances, make sure the numerous enemies haven’t found the crew’s hideout (which there has been many close calls) and you also had to be the one to clean,cook,and all that stuff since none of the others do it. You also have been having to plan out and go on many solo missions for Spades.]

I think you’re not taking into account that Droog isn’t exactly selfless and definitely doesn’t have an actual work ethic (see sending Jack all the forms to do in prison instead). If he’s being told to do too many things, he’ll get mad, and he definitely won’t skip sleep to cook food for the rest of them.

I could see Droog picking up way too much slack if there was something serious going on and he was the only one who realized how important it was, but not because he’s busy with book-keeping and dusting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10722734/1/Propaganda (Clover (Stitch))

This is really cute. I like how you write the two talking, how you’ve got various charms floating around, and Clover being into Snowman sounds like it could go interesting places, especially given apparently he wants her in the kismesis charm way of all things.

I really wish you’d use quotation marks for dialogue instead of italics, though.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10725347/1/Spaghetti-and-Orange-Juice (SS, Hussie (DD, HB, CD))

[The point of this useless paragraph was to prove that taking the Midnight Crew to a restaurant is a bad idea and that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.]

Except they could just get takeout. You really shouldn’t go on about how X is a terrible idea and the character doesn’t want to do it when there’s a perfectly good alternative they know about. Especially when it doesn’t make sense anyway because supposedly he’s concerned about Droog and Droog is still exhausted, so he has no reason to want to drag Droog across town to a restaurant.

Also really, why is Deuce lisping? He’s not actually five.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10729514/1/Midnight-Madness (DD (SS))

I really, really can’t see Slick being fine with getting kicked out of a city. He’d burn the place to the ground before he accepted it as someone else’s territory. If you want them on the road so you can write car arguing and motel sex, you’d be better served by saying they successfully drove the Felt out but Slick’s not satisfied so they’re following them to finish the gang off.

It’s otherwise fine. Just…Slick’s possessiveness about the city is a pretty big thing in the Intermission, and he’s also generally a petty hyperviolent asshole who particularly hates the Felt.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10743989/1/We-are-the-Deltas (FOC)

More sburb.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10748139/1/Fifty-Shades-of-Mayo (WV (Doc Scratch, Lord English, Gamzee))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Well, that was terrible and poorly plotted, and yes, I do mean by the standards of porn. Try a little harder next time, will you?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10747997/1/Slick-s-quadrants (SS (Ms Paint))

Either up the rating and write out the swears, or don’t write Slick using swears. There’s other ways to write seething rage if you’re that uncomfortable with bitch and bastard.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

This seems overly contrived, even considering the general setup. If you’re going with the idea Slick doesn’t want to admit he likes Ms Paint, then nothing’s actually forcing him to fill in the square. He could just doodle some knives or candy or something. It might work better if Slick didn’t get an explanation about exactly what picking someone for the quadrant meant – like if Hussie just handed him the paper with the symbols labeling quadrants, and Slick was bored and doodled what the symbol made him think of, or something.

Reached page ten…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10753443/1/Something-More (AR (WV, PM))

[You couldn’t help but be amazed by his wonderful personality and his creative imagination. His mind resided in a beauty that you have never seen before and it interested you greatly. You can’t even ponder reasons as to why he was exiled. All you can devise is that he was so cute that they all got jealous. Exilement was usually meant for political reasons but you never know these days.]

This honestly reads more like an insult than a compliment – like the fact he’s cute is so much more important than who he actually is and what he actually did, so AR just assumes none of that could be possibly have mattered. If he actually cared about WV’s “wonderful personality”, the fact the guy hates kings and loves democracy should be far more than enough to assume political reasons.

Also your grammar continues to be horrible and you didn’t even spell PM’s name right.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10572275/1/Official-Fanfiction-Universitystuck (FOC)

Oh jesus this kind of thing is still going on?

Your sample badfic bears little resemblance to actual badfic and your focus seems overly concerned with whining about OCs.

Author’s name is Snowy the Sane Fangirl just so you really know what you’re getting into. She has written 0 other Homestuck fics.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10772085/1/Unity (FOC)

Sburb again.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10772790/1/and-the-stains-coming-from-my-blood (WQ, AR, PM, WV)

[The key that is your birthright must accompany you. Your entourage cannot. They must begin the new carapacian kingdom.]

Mm, that’s actually one of the plot holes introduced. If she knows the universe is getting destroyed, then her entourage is pointless – whatever little they build will be gone soon, since they have no way to flee

[She was a brave girl, and you can’t wait to see how she has other two will be of the dark kingdom]

Also seems like you’ve accidentally some words.

[When you learn you have to rig the stations, you couldn’t be happier, given their flagrant illegality. Then the Slayer appears, and you start to detonate.]

This also brushes up against an issue – is he unware of the whole plan? Because he’s to blow up the stations to prevent the Slayer following them, but he’s also set it up so it needs to be done manually, by someone on the Slayer’s side of things.

[The meteor is nice enough, and you make new friends to replace your old. Dave and Terezi are as enthusiastic about Can Town as you are, and Rose seems to be, too, in her own little way.]

He, uh, doesn’t even speak to them once in three years. Doesn’t seem like it’s that simple.

The summaries of each character are nicely written, but gloss over all the issues and problems.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10773944/1/Prototyping (FOC)

And sburb again. And we’re done!


PS (SS, PI)
OC (MOC)
FOC (Slick)
DD (MOC)
OC, FOC
MOC
MOC
OC? (Clover, Fin)
FOC (Clover, Trace, Itchy, Quarters)
OC? (Sawbuck)
OC? (Slick)
OC? (Fin)
SS (MC, PS)
Jack (Rose)
DD, SS (HB, CD)
Clover (Stitch)
SS, Hussie (DD, HB, CD)
DD (SS)
FOC
WV (Doc Scratch, Lord English, Gamzee)
SS (Ms Paint)
AR (WV, PM)
FOC
FOC
WQ, AR, PM, WV
FOC


Couple different ways of doing this. Removing the gender-indeterminate ones, we get 8 of 21 female. If we assume the whole set of ReaderXCharacter were meant to be female, it goes up to 12 of 24, so a solid half included female POVs. Ignoring sburb fic, we get 7 of 18, or 3 of 14 if we cut out the ambiguous ReaderXCharacter ones. Snowman has pretty much disappeared and it’s very nearly down to female OCs or none at all. Even they’re barely staving off the inevitable.



Not going in a good direction, really.

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