NaRe 2019 Day 10 (24)

Bunch of people tripping over their attempts at realism, an increasing amount of stuff that’s just humans having relationship drama, and a fic about something horrifying that apparently happened in the anime after I stopped watching.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13188531/1/Our-Fight

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ The soldiers around him listened intently, mud clinging to their uniforms as if they hadn’t see a drop of fresh water in days.]

This isn’t the best description because the thing about mud is it gets on you pretty fast. Dust and such can take longer to build up, so if someone’s coated in several layers of dust with sweat tracks, you can say that yeah, it’s been a while since they had water to spare. Mud, they might’ve just slipped five minutes ago because that’s all it takes.

[With another whistle’s shriek, the men clad in brown leaped from their trenches as well, setting their rifles loose on the assault. Men on both sides fired their weapons, forcing men to the ground. Some deaths were quick and painless, a bullet drilling into a skull or a heart, but for most, their death came slow.

When the two sides met in the center of the battlefield, the rifles lost their effectiveness, and soon man’s most primitive tools came to light in the mud and blood.]

Well, no. Kinda the issue with trench warfare is that guns do not lose their effectiveness so it just turned into a pointless meat grinder.

When one side pops up, you don’t leave your fortified position to, I don’t even know, make sure they have a fair shot? You mow them down in near-complete safety. Then later, you’re ordered up and the survivors in their fortified position mow you down in near-complete safety. While this is happening, everyone’s feet rot off.

There also doesn’t seem to be any meaning to the sudden jump to Ash. I assume it’s because your character is going to meet up with Ash, but right now your story goes DRAMATIC WAR AND DEATH, then TEEN LEAVING ABUSIVE HOME WITH BABY SISTER, then eeeh Ash is doing pokemon stuff and everything’s going fine and it’d also be okay if it wasn’t because it’s just for fun anyway. It’d be a weak scene even normally, and after the pile of actual important stuff happening you filled the rest of the chapter with, it’s a complete let-down.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13188570/1/The-Story-of-Geido

[My name is Geido Darkness Dementia Draco Way and I am not related to Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way although I wish I was since she is my fucking spirit animal and role model.]

Then actually write your own ridiculousness instead of riding her coattails.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13188713/1/Kenji-The-Power-of-Will

[A.N: I don’t want to be involved in the HoF vs. SEF Wars, so any PMs from either side will not be responded to.]

There’s exactly one person who’s PMing, and it’s the same person who leaves reviews under multiple accounts and makes new ones if those are blocked to keep attacking the author. Don’t accuse everyone else of doing the same thing – if you don’t want to be involved, by all means don’t be involved, you don’t need to first draw a false equivalency between someone screaming at everyone and all the other people not doing that.

[ As a primarily fighting type trainer, he knew that his pokemon would always have difficulty against flying and psychic pokemon. So he decided to go against the normal battling system…

By fighting the Pokemon himself if he’s about to lose. ]

To be clear, do you mean in trainer battles? A trainer actually putting themselves on the line is something cool, but it also seems like it’d be cheating unless he’s choosing to go out instead of using his last pokemon. Basically, if he’s agreed to a three on three match, does he use two then go out himself or does he use all three only to refuse to accept the loss and take the field himself?

Also, you start off correctly not capitalizing but then start up again at times.

[“You want a challenge, so I’ll send you and your pokemon back to the beginning of your journey.” The God-like Llama said, his eyes flashing.

“Wait… WHAT?” Kenji yelled.]

I gotta agree with Kenji here. You spend the first chapter establishing he hasn’t been able to get past the semi-finals and you open talking about him working hard to train and get better. Not sure why Arceus looks at that and thinks Kenji’s had it too easy and is asking for more of a challenge, or what good restarting is supposed to do.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13188778/1/Taboo-Desires-pt-1

[And let’s face it- would she really go for me? This body isn’t exactly appealing to most. ]

It’s presumably perfectly appealing to other greninja and there’s no reason to believe it’s particularly looked down on by other species of pokemon. If you mean “humans” just say that.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Quite a remarkable phenomenon. His albino gene must have somehow collided and mutated with the other chromosomes, affecting the genetic makeup of his phenotypes and resulting in the strange pigmentation]

That is super not how it works.

If you want him to be pink, then just being regular albino would do it – furless froggy skin and red blood add up to pinkish, in the same way albinos have pinkish eyes. If you want him to have actual pigment that’s pink, then say he’s got a mutant pigmentation gene and stop – don’t call it albino if it’s still producing a color, don’t say it played bumper cars in his DNA, don’t try to throw in “phenotype” as if it’s just a buzzword.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[She’s not even hot, anyways. There’s a lot of opportunities to smash in the world- and the best of them aren’t people.”]

It is not only weird but really horrifying that none of them think they’re people. Again, if you mean human, say human. Especially if you’re writing the setup to human/pokemon sex that’s supposed to be consensual.

[I looked away, a little disgusted. The thought of screwing a Pokémon made me sick. Yes, it made no sense, but I felt like a person in a Pokémon’s body most of the time.]

Having a pokemon that’s imprinted on humans would make sense, especially for a starter, but it’d make a lot more sense if you wrote it consistently – make it clear at the other points he’s comparing his body to that of a human’s when he says he’s ugly.

[ There is one male lest,]

Left.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189089/1/Ash-in-Team-Rocket-s-HQ

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Also, it’s spelled “growlithe” – “growl” + “lithe”, agile.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“I said HARM you! Have they ever purposely hit you? Beat you? Made you lose consciousness?”]

Their plots often involve some very indiscriminate amounts of violence, so yeah, Ash has gotten in the crossfire. “Purposely”, maybe not, but in that case Giovanni must also be the dad of everyone else Jessie, James and Meowth ever tried to steal from, because they haven’t tried to punch out any of them either.

Honestly, you’re creating plot holes trying to patch something that isn’t a problem. There’s no reason to think Giovanni was aware this whole time of who exactly they were harassing or even that they’d been wasting so much time on just one pokemon (he clearly isn’t listening to them when they talk) or that he’d think he needed to tell them not to use lethal force for one particular person when they already don’t do that to anyone, or even necessarily that he’d think his kid needed to be given special treatment to not get hurt when up against the absolute dregs of his organization.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189122/1/The-Luca-Heart

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Ash cheered and smiled before something his head head, making him back out.]

Pretty sure that should be “Ash cheered and smiled before something hit his head, making him black out.” In general, you need to proofread better.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189141/1/The-Rings-of-the-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You should open your story with your actual story, not several paragraphs of character bio.

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189171/1/Edda-The-Pok%C3%A9mon-Kingdom

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[But it wasn’t the uniform that had caused me to stay up all night tossing and turning. It was my Pokémon.

What was I going to get? I told herself I would be fine with anything – the Cresselian Guard had been selecting their new recruits’ starting Pokémon for generations, after all, and despite being in their company more than that of children my own age for most of my childhood, I’d never heard one complaint. The Cresselians ran batteries of tests to determine the most suitable partner for each recruit, and drew information from the rigorous three-year training program at the Academy that recruits underwent before they even got to the point that they were deemed worthy of a Pokémon partner. Whatever they had chosen for me, I would trust that it was the right fit. Even if it was something like a Grimer, or a Shuckle…

I cringed at the thought of those Pokémon being selected as my starter. ]

If you want your character to be worried about their starter, don’t spend a paragraph explaining how perfect starter selection is and how it makes no sense for them to be worried and how the reader definitely has no reason to be concerned over this and how it’s gone great for absolutely everyone before.

This is your opening. Where is the tension? Why is it a big deal she get a charmander when you just finished explaining that the only reason she wouldn’t get a charmander would be because she’ll do way better and be way happier with a different pokemon, and that if she is suited to a charmander, she’ll definitely get it?

If there was a class element to what pokemon she got, if what pokemon she got now was determining her future instead of just a fixed element of who she already is as picked by people who want the best for everyone, where grimer are considered “most suitable” for screwups who’ll send the rest of their career digging latrines and charmander are “most suitable” for those about to get fast-tracked to the top, and everyone who meets her from this day forward will judge her over her starter, then it’d make complete sense for her to be stressing about this. You need better stakes than that no one has ever been unhappy with their pick but charmander are cool and what if, despite the fact she’s basically guaranteed one due to wanting it and everyone getting what they want, she has to settle for a different pokemon that was hand-picked to make her happy instead.

Alternatively, if the place is just generally great, then you don’t need the cliché scene of something lying in bed worrying about tomorrow and can just have tomorrow happen. Have her be excited and trusting that whatever pokemon will be perfect, then pull the rug out with the attack. Right now you just have her fussing nonstop about something trivial then going right into something that actually matters without any change in tone.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189251/1/A-Clash-of-Fire-and-Water

[Authoress: *sighs* I hate beginnings of stories. Well, here you go!]

If you hate it, you should really consider why. It’s usually a sign something about your story isn’t working and should be fixed.

In this case, your opening appears to be largely someone standing around summarizing their pretty ordinary life, then an unnecessary flashback where nothing much happens, then back to the present where she resumes summarizing nothing much happening. Your story doesn’t need to begin by explaining every little detail that’s led up to this point. You can just start it when something actually happens and fill in explanations as they’re needed.

[“Sorry I’m so late professor. Mom and dad needed help getting the ranch set up.” Bruce then stood up straight and smiled. “I’m finally ready to get my first pokemon!”

Wait…this was his first pokemon! How was that possible? Thankfully, Professor Basswood seemed to see my confusion on the subject. “Ah, I forgot to introduce you to the others.” Really? He just realized that I was here? “Bruce, this is Mandy Jones. She started her journey last year in the Kanto region.” The Professor then turned to me. ]

Also, you capitalize words like “professor” when used in place of a name and not when used as a regular term, so when he’s addressing the guy, it’s “Sorry I’m so late Professor.” (also, your sentences need more commas) and when she’s just saying the guy who is a professor is turning, it’s “The professor then turned to me.” Same thing goes for any other time a common noun is standing in for a person’s name.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

It’s also generally a bad idea to jump around between first person POVs and this isn’t looking like an exception. Either commit to one person or else write in third person.

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/10760337/Trumpa2000

[Night hunting had become the only source to feed the once thriving Driftveil City. Recently, however, it had become a job of only pure heroism. The wild creatures had become just too dangerous for the average hunter, and Casey was one of the last who dared to wander into the fear of the nighttime wilds.]

Okay, but why are there night instead of day hunts? Humans are not designed for nighttime. We’re sight-based and have pretty great eyes compared to most animals, but our vision only works properly in daylight. Compared to night predators, it’s a joke. A human hunting at night isn’t going to be able to find prey and is going to be easy for any predator.

[He walked past the border into the grass. Luckily for the citizens, it was a long distance to reach the deepest dangers of the over inhabited wild. Unlucky for casey, he had to walk several miles in both directions to recover his hunt for the night.]

Furthermore, even if there is some reason why hunting has to be at night, that doesn’t mean the travel should be at night. When people are specifically hunting animals that only come out at night, the travel and setup are done earlier in the day both because it’s easier to do things during the day and because that means you’ll get the most out of the hunting period. Also, I think you mean “return from” or something like that and not “recover”.

[Casey reached for his belt releasing his two companions in a bright flash of light. To his left slithered a green regal snake with deep crimson eyes that could see through any soul. His other side was accompanied by a dark feline pokemon coated in yellow rings that resonated like moonlight. Serperior and Umbreon were loyal and skillfully trained, and could stalk any creature in the night. Almost any.]

Now, it makes sense an umbreon world do well at night, and if serperior rely on scent and heat to find their targets, they’d do well too. If those are Casey’s pokemon, that could be an argument for him personally deciding to hunt at night, though it’d still need a bit more than that – like, that by hunting at night when everyone else sticks to daytime, the wild pokemon aren’t expecting to run into a human. But unless there’s some further reason why only nocturnal pokemon are still safe for humans to use or else that the aggressive pokemon are universally extra berserk when the sun’s up, most people should be sticking to daytime hunts.

[ Instead, silence filled, nothing except the cool breeze now turned to a shivering wind.]

A lot of your sentences are just wonky. You can’t just say “silence filled”, you have to say what it filled, like “silence filled the air”. In this case I don’t think you even need it, because given the second half is saying the same thing but better, so it’s better to just go with that. I’d really suggest a beta reader.

[Not even the occasional lost Pidove or undersized Foongus.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ Two long lasherations]

Lacerations. Spellcheck.

[This secret project I have created has gone quite out of hand, and I—”

“No shit it has!” Casey interrupted.

“If you would let me finish,” Drayden said with a smooth tone, “I am in need of someone with your abilities and public heroism to help me cover up my…situation.”]

But why did he admit that in the first place? Casey had no idea what was going on until he brought up Project Lucid then kept saying that it was secret and to blame for this. Drayden could just say that he has a plan to fix this totally-not-Drayden’s-fault natural disaster and will Casey help him out with that.

[If Casey accepted the offer, he would be more than he had ever dreamed of, a figure of power, diligence, cleverness. Unova would be saved under his jurisdiction, but it would be going against everything his lovely mother taught him a young boy. It would shatter his conscience, shred apart his internal happiness and well being, and fill his mind with toxic lies. All selfish thoughts. But if Casey said no, he would be killed on instant, no mercy spared; at least he would die a true hero.]

And if it’s to set up a situation like this…the choice you’re saying here and the one you actually laid out are different. Letting everyone down isn’t suddenly heroic just because the bad guy said you’d get some personal benefit on your way to saving everyone else.

The basic offer is to stop the murderous pokemon. Drayden’s further offer is that he’ll throw money and fame at Casey if Casey in return covers up Drayden’s involvement. Casey could absolutely agree to deal with the murderous pokemon then turn on Drayden and expose him. Also, being the one who saves the place would probably get him money and fame anyway, even without Drayden personally giving it to him. If you want this to actually be a hard question, you need to better explain how Drayden can actually enforce the deal to help him cover things up. For example, if Casey’s mother is currently sick and Drayden can get her medicine right now, but in return Casey’s first mission against the murderous pokemon would have to be to get into an overrun area to destroy the evidence of what Drayden did. Something like that would mean Casey’s complicit in Drayden’s crimes in return for something of personal benefit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189487/1/The-mysterious-disappearance-of-Ditto

Capitalize your title properly.

[“I’ll need to ask the neighbours to look for my Ditto. “April decides, marching out the door to do just that.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Your just going to have to live with being in your Panamas for the trip. ]

You’re, pajamas. Proofread better and get a beta reader.

I think you’re right that it makes a lot more sense for the Hoenn protagonist to have screwed up somehow than that their parents intentionally stuck them in the back of a moving van. But to build a story around that idea, you need more going on than just that the ditto looked like the girl, you need to develop why the girl wanted to do all this. Just saying vaguely that she had “some goodbyes” and somehow that meant she couldn’t let her mom know she had left the house isn’t an interesting answer, largely because it doesn’t really answer anything. Something with clear cause and effect would work better, like that she was trying to skip out on all the packing and carrying boxes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189584/1/Evolving-Fears

[She had never understood why humans liked to watch battles that would never involve them before, but it was something she had figured out ever since she met him.]

The tense on this is really weird. “She had never understood why humans liked to watch battles that would never involve them before she’d met him.” or something would be a lot clearer, and even then, “had never” is just an odd pairing with her going on to talk about how she does and has for a while now, and I don’t think the repeated “never” is helping either.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or kahuna.

[It would have worked out better if you had used her instead. ]

Is this narration or her own statement? If the first, “you” should be “he”, if the second, “her” should be “me”.

[“Yeah, the Pokemon that kicks things it disdains into a bleeding pulp. Thugs, the unbathed, intruders, and trainers who give dumbass orders in battle. Guess what, I’m a dumbass.”]

I do really like that he’s not simply concerned his pokemon will just suddenly get temperamental or reject him for no reason, and being concerned a pokemon is going to outgrow you is particularly appropriate for the whole childhood/coming-of-age thing underlying everything.

[no idly praise]

Idle. You’ve just got a lot of wonkiness in this.

[Spacebattles talk had it be Ash originally, and I do write a pretty good Ash. However you gain nothing but avoiding trying new things, and as a result I let someone else take this one.]

That, on the other hand, was definitely a good choice. For the trying new things element, for how it means you had an actual Alolan character who’d be better situated to talk about Alolan pokemon, and also since Ash making the argument in favor of pokemon evolving and that people shouldn’t stress about it is just weird. It wouldn’t be outright OOC given pokemon evolving hasn’t blown up in Ash’s face /every/ single time, but pretty much any other character has a better claim to this viewpoint.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13189658/1/wrong-person

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Since this is just two hundred words…

[does the word together actually describes them. ]

Describe.

[She looks down to the mess they both created late night. ]

Last night.

[She finally gets up and gathering her clothes from the last night, she put a new pairs of clothes on her naked body.]

Gathers, second part should be a new sentence, pair.

[Well, then why don’t she deserves to get something she wants so badly?]

Doesn’t, deserve.

[She asks at the reflection of her own in the mirror.]

You don’t need to say that her reflection is “of her own”. Also, you probably want just “asks” or “asks of”, as “asked at” like that would be more like “said a question while standing nearby” than “directed her question toward”.

[She heard the bathroom door open]

Hears.

[he didn’t even waited to hear something back from her.]

Wait.

[And his gone.]

He’s.

You have a lot of problems with your grammar and really need a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13190069/1/Forgotten

I guess it’s nice by Hybrid of Fate standards that she only left one “no you must do things the wrong way because being contrary is all that matters to me” anon review, though she could’ve at least glanced at your story long enough to notice there isn’t any dialogue…

Anyway! This is certainly a pretty horrifying situation, and the idea of it ending with the sandshrew back in the same position because trauma is a good capstone, but I don’t think you quite sold the pokeball as safe haven with all the fears about it failing somehow and the fact the sandshrew only gets into this situation because they’re trapped in it. I was expecting the fallout to be that the sandshrew can’t handle pokeballs because they’re too afraid of being left behind in a dangerous situation again. To work toward the being forgotten ending, maybe have the sandshrew actually get hurt by the water? Say, time passes, they realize that no one’s coming for them and they can hear water, they break out and try to leave but the area’s already mostly flooded – maybe the floor is and the slightly raised locker isn’t yet. More about the feel of the pokeball would be nice too. The sandshrew simply getting used to being in there, like someone locked in a tiny room would struggle with large spaces, also makes sense, and spending more time on how everything just feels wrong now because the sandshrew keeps is used to such small and muted sensations would give a better feel for why even being let out just to eat becomes a strain.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13190127/1/Wonderguard

[*sigh*]

Write this kind of thing out properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“As for pretty girls, I have one waiting for me now.”

Unfortunately, he wasn’t lying. On the edge of town, a girl with what seemed to be long brown hair was standing there, waving an arm in our direction. Flint raised an eyebrow while pointing towards the girl, as if he was puzzled and was making sure he understood what Volkner said. Volkner glared at him but decided not to waste any more time standing around with us and made his way to the top of the beach.

“Yeah, my point exactly! You don’t hang with pretty girls!” Flint sneered when Volkner was no longer in earshot distance. “What was the point of even coming over here,” he continued to mutter.

My long, black hair danced in the slight breeze that was stirring, and at this moment, I started to giggle. I mean c’mon! Here I am with the two hottest guys of Sinnoh, and they bicker like little kids!]

That’s not really cute bickering so much as a horrifying red flag from Flint. Seriously, the second thing she sees Flint do is talk shit about some distant girl’s appearance not being up to his standards and she’s still thinking this guy’s good crush material?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12694274/1/Pokemon-ash-s-vacation

Capitalize your title properly. Also, capitalize people’s names.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13190465/1/Pikachu-Died

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13190846/1/Discovering-the-pok%C3%A9mon-world

Capitalize your title properly.

Write out numbers with letters.

You really don’t need to open with your character getting out of bed in the morning. It’s a terribly boring place.

[pok mon]

I don’t know why you’re missing the e on all these.

[Yes, that’s right, I’m a 16 year old guy, who hasn’t even gone off into the world to start his pok mon journey. The reason is pretty simple, I like to be home, with my mother, in Twinleaf Town. ]

It’s nice to have an overage newbie trainer who isn’t trying to argue that he’s super into pokemon and becoming a champion is his life’s goal.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[‘Goodmorning mom!”, I say to her.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Good morning is two words.

When you’re using a common noun in place of a person’s name, it’s capitalized like their name would be, so it’s “Mom” here.

[You can choose from the follow pok mon: Ralts, Snorunt and Eevee. All three of these pok mon are very interesting because they can evolve into different types of pok mon.]

Since this isn’t an excuse to give him an eevee, you really shouldn’t have one. Ralts and snorunt both have the exact same situation of a branched, gendered evolution tied to the dawn stone. If that’s what the professor wants to study, he should just be offering the choice between the two. If for some reason you feel it’s vital to stick to the three-choice model even though you’re throwing out everything else about it, then the third pokemon should be oddish, the only other one to have a choice of two evolutions without requiring trading.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13190861/1/A-One-Sided-Promise

[He was of tall stature of 185.42 centimeters ]

It’s really obvious you started at 6’2 and then converted it because you literally can’t get the precision of an extra two decimal places for human height. Your spine compresses slightly the longer you stand, about two centimeters by the end of the day, and the taller you are, the more variation. 180/190 is a clear enough number, and claiming precisely 185 works if you want to get across that she’s scarily over-invested in the exact details of his appearance given that’s all she knows about him – though she’d probably know his actual weight in that case, instead of guessing at it.

[“What is laughing at, I wonder if he will smile with me.”]

Think you dropped “he” there.

[“Ojou-Sama!” ]

Don’t use gratuitous Japanese.

[-Elsewhere, In A House Not Too Far Away-]

You really should not need to label your scenes. Show scene transitions in the regular narration instead of a rapid sequence of jarring labels.

[“Wait, don’t move I’m going to untie you.” She said in a low docile voice, he stopped. She freed him from his arm and leg restraints, with that he ripped off the duct tape.

“I’m so glad to finally see you!” The girl embraced Ash. He quickly pushed her away.

“What’s going on here? I need answers before you just hug a guy.”

“Well, today is the day we get married.” She explained with gleaming eyes. ]

Given how well she’s taking her fiance being hogtied and how she seems to have been thoroughly isolated and manipulated by her own family, I don’t think you need to say that she thought Ash knew about and was on board with the marriage. I mean, [she began practicing reciting her wedding vows, they were carefully constructed since the age of ten. The girl practiced for an hour or so before laying down on her bed getting ready to sleep.] – that’s absolutely someone who’d accept it if you told her that they’re going to have to kidnap her husband and that’s just a normal thing normal people’s marriages involve. And really, what’s easier, lying to her about how Ash does know and then having to deal with her being confused when he doesn’t or lying about the fact people are supposed to know they’re getting married? You’ve gone through the trouble of establishing this girl has no idea how anything works, lean into that.

Also, this has nothing to do with pokemon and you should also consider leaning into the fact it’s original and going from there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13191156/1/Pokemon-Destiny-Red

[I do remember a recurring dream I had many times. A man is yelling at my mom while she screams back. It is an evil man who wants to take me away. I can only assume these are projections of what I think of my father, the way he left Mom when I could barely walk. At least, that’s what I assume happened.]

…here in the modern year of 2019, I think maybe we’ve finally reached the point where if the kid can put together that Dad was “evil” and screaming at Mom, as well as that [My dad had done something to my mom and whatever it was, it was bad.], then the kid can have other reasons why he’s gone than that he decided to leave, like divorce and restraining orders, as well as the mom having feelings other than being so ashamed she never gives any clue as to what happened.

[ Personally, I don’t think that constitutes how he acts]

Pretty sure you meant a different word there – condones or maybe exonerates? Or if you mean Red is flat-out disagreeing with the idea Blue is unhappy, then that should be said directly rather than the really clunky disagreeing-that-his-actions-are-made-of-misery.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13191370/1/The-moon

Capitalize your title properly.

Spellcheck.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13192527/1/Someone-who-listens

Capitalize your title properly, and capitalize “I”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Songfic is banned on this site.

[Jason ran to Gardener]

Also, proofread.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13192946/1/Pokemon-USUM-Adventures

Your title is painfully generic.

Write out numbers with letters.

Spellcheck.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13192971/1/Hell-s-Ambassador

[The Renegade God]

They’re really not.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[the small figure of a white llama.]

Again, no, they’re really not.

The actual pokemon world mythology is a lot more interesting than bargain-basement lolchristianity stuff.

Skipped over two harder fics to finish off the rest, will start off with them tomorrow.

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