NaRe 2019 Day 11 (17)

And now, the finish!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13191890/1/Not-What-It-Looks-Like

This is delightful in a horrifying sort of way. What I like best is how the trainer isn’t really trying to trick the ralts into doing this, because that’d require actually looking at the ralts as a person making decisions based on what they want.

[“No, I have one more, but you’ll meet her later.”

Just then, an idea strikes Tiel-va with the intensity of a lightning bolt. She wants to learn more about humans, see their City and the way they live, and what better way to do that than to travel alongside a human? Matty said they’re looking for someone and Tiel-va was the first of her agemates to teleport, the first to be granted the -va on her name for being able to read emotions, so she’s strong now and with some training, she’ll definitely be powerful enough to be a good team member. And even now, Ember and Matty are radiating a gentle happiness that makes her want to move closer.

≪Can I travel with you and Ember?≫ she asks eagerly.]

Like there’s just no effort on his part! It’s solely because she’s misread the situation. He tries to play along a bit once he realizes he’s getting handed an easy capture, he seems to understand in theory pokemon sometimes have feelings and that can be inconvenient if not handled right, but he doesn’t really understand any of it. He doesn’t even think to get his other pokemon to play along or try to prevent them from talking, that’s solely the poor blaziken already being too beaten-down to interact.

It doesn’t just make it creepier in how he’s treating her, it also makes it such a stressful reading because if he was trying to manipulate her into definite pitfalls, we the readers who know something’s up could get an idea of what the pitfalls are, as well as possible ways out in what he’s trying to push her away from. But because he largely doesn’t know/care about what’s going on on her end, there’s no way of telling just how bad a situation she’s gotten into is. Just how much is the pokeball going to mess with her?

And that’s such a perfect fit for empathy misunderstandings! It wouldn’t require someone with great control and manipulation powers, just someone who isn’t thinking about you as a person in the first place.

I love the ralts/gardevior society as well. I’m particularly curious about Islai-vir-kharet – is she much, much older and her experiences are from an earlier, less awful time, or did she just get lucky?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13192577/1/Broken-Dolls

So, I would say that this is really way more gore than horror. The initial part describing how she feels abandoned in a dumpster has a solid point to the gruesomeness – there’s the horror of having that happen while being helpless. But past that point it soon seems like it’s piling more and more gore on as a substitute for horror instead of an accent for it.

Like, right off the bat, why murder the other shuppet? The scene starts off showing how shuppet and possessed dolls can have a sort of symbiosis, which is both a really cool look into how the pokemon ecosystem sorta works and a great way of explaining how the game has shuppet evolving into banette but banette also being a kid’s doll, and the way the shuppet seem to adding to the total net hatred in the world by feeding/absorbing hatred without actually removing it from the source, and her then absorbing the hatred in them back into herself, is pretty disturbing on a cosmic level. But then it’s just murdergore. The existence of living manifestations of hatred and grudges that serve only to multiply that is a horrible disjoint from how our world works, one thing killing and eating another really isn’t. If she becomes a banette by fusing with a shuppet and having their hatred and grudges meld, why is absorbing the same from the other shuppet done by killing them? Why not just have her be a shuppet vortex or something?

And after that point…well, it puts me in mind of horror movies intentionally having people make awful, immersion-wrecking decisions, as well as being the same thing as always with banette just being generally bad news for everyone. If banette are literally just piles of grudges, to the point where it’s flat-out impossible for one to exist unless it’s obsessed with killing people, then people shouldn’t keep going, “Oh! You’re a sweetie pie! I trust you implicitly!!!” The way people interact with the banette is as if they have no idea what one is, to the point that being covered in her trainer’s blood just leads to a debate between people about how /maybe/ this is a little odd, but everyone also makes it clear that banette is a well-known pokemon and they even know it’s specifically powered by raw malice and doesn’t exist unless it’s plotting to torture at least one person to death.

Also, for a fic that’s spending so much time inside the banette’s head…it feels like you’re just repeating THE BANETTE IS HORRIBLE SO CRAZY HORRIBLE. It quickly erodes any sense of sympathy or even understanding when she’s just raving about torturing someone, especially when she decides that basically anyone will do, not to mention it’s just repetitive, and you lean really heavily on her being deranged over her thoughts making sense (it’s similarly cheaty to declare the mightyena goes nuts just because he saw an upsetting thing and now he’s a crazed murderer too). Having someone make a convincing argument for horrible things is upsetting, standing at a far distance being all “yeah no that’s awful, it’s really obviously bad” isn’t. Stuff only works out because everyone’s an idiot (down to not just brushing off the first trainer’s self-inflicted wounds but also how he had injuries from his manectric as well) and she has this overpowered possession ability that nobody else can interact with.

Just…less is more, I guess? The pokedex doesn’t say banette are just free-roving sadists into torture-murder and instead says several times that they just want the one kid who abandoned them, and the bit about their mega evolution actively contradicts the idea they’re normally plotting against those around them. “Extraordinary energy amplifies its cursing power to such an extent that it can’t help but curse its own Trainer.” ie, it isn’t normally dangerous to its trainer and even warped by mega evolution that’s called out as messing other other pokemon’s heads, the cursing is accidental. Having the banette be otherwise a perfectly normal pokemon who isn’t plotting how she’ll torture her own trainer to death and then a sudden explosion of violence and gore when she happened across her former owner would be far more shocking and play into elements of trust and betrayal as no one had any reason to expect this and it was their completely reasonable trust in her that let something so horrible happen, and her being safe as long as she doesn’t meet the one person who’ll trigger a rampage would explain why people think of banette as just regular pokemon, she had no way of actually finding Lana and so probably this doesn’t happen often.

Conversely, if gore and multiple deaths are more what you want, having no one know what a banette is would work. If the people are encountering an unknown ghost type then the way everyone seems to be giving her the benefit of the doubt becomes reasonable and there’s even a degree of “oh, but so cool, so rare…” that’d explain someone being willing to overlook a few warning signs. Without the fact they should know better, the horrible things that end up happening to them work much better at being upsetting, especially the final bit of her being taken right to the person she hates most – if all Ava knew was that her mysterious pokemon was getting all excited at the picture of Lana, it’s totally reasonable to think them meeting up is a fine idea. It’s a different route to a similar horror of the world just being generally malicious and there being really no way for them to have known enough to avoid what happens.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193292/1/Drowned-in-the-Past

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[five Kabuto’s]

Don’t use apostrophes for plurals.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[How grain can you be in training a simply Pokémon?]

Your grammar is awful and you should find a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193315/1/The-Birth-of-Ares

[her OC’s or makes fanfic’s dedicated ]

Don’t use apostrophes for plurals.

[ the Charizard’s back, his Father]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Hold on Apollo!” “We’re going to be landing right now!”]

If this is being said by two different people, it should be in two paragraphs. If it isn’t, there shouldn’t be quotation marks in the middle of it.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[and an exhausted Charizard, laying on hay that represented a bed]

While giving birth can be difficult, one of the benefits of laying eggs is that it’s much, much easier than giving birth to live young. Humans have exceptional difficulty giving birth even for mammals so they’re really not a good model for an egg-laying giant lizard.

[The father leaned down and cuddled his wife, while the both of them stared at their egg, that will soon to become their child.]

To continue on the egg vs baby thing, that egg is not going to be their child anytime soon. They won’t even know for sure it’ll become a child at all – it could’ve not been fertilized properly or it could fail to develop. Even once they’ve verified it’s started to develop, something could go wrong in the early stages. Just because an egg looks big doesn’t mean it’s equivalent to near the end of a pregnancy. This is a lot closer to day one than month nine.

[The feminine Charizard chuckled.

“Perhaps, Smoke?.”

James frowned.

“With respect, I think the name “Smoke” is a little… basic.”]

You should put actions with their speaker –

[The feminine Charizard chuckled. “Perhaps, Smoke?.”

James frowned. “With respect, I think the name “Smoke” is a little… basic.”]

Also, yeah, but to the point it really shouldn’t be coming up. None of the other names are like that. I assume you want them to spitball bad names for a while before setting on the right one, but they should still sound similar to the ones you’ve established. (For that matter, naming the mom “Snow” isn’t that suited either when it’s the only noun name.)

[Life cannot escape from hopelessness, life is an eternal jail, and most of all, life has blinded you all.

– Signed by Ares]

This really, really doesn’t seem like something that’d convince parents to name their kid Ares. If it’s important to you that there be a mystery super miserable quote showing up, maybe try going the dramatic irony route where it’s in the wrong language for the pokemon to understand, so all they can do is sound out the words and then they decide that the word “Ares” sounds nice on that basis, as opposed to completely understanding that this “Ares” fellow is talking about how life is the worst thing ever and still just thinking the name sounds nice and a great choice for a new baby.

[Snow asked James about the name, along with Apollo. After a few seconds of the boys looking at each other, they nodded and agreed with the name.

Snow gleed and hugged the two.

“Then it’s settled then, Apollo it is!”]

Pretty sure you meant “Ares” that second time. Also, “gleed” was probably supposed to be “squeed” or something.

[That Prologue was a little boring to do to be quite honest. Though, t I know for sure that the story will be much more intense and thrilling later on.]

Then you probably shouldn’t have started here. If there’s important information early on but it’s boring to learn about it, it’s much better to start the story and then jump back when the information is relevant later.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193693/1/Moon-meets-Mays

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193708/1/PMD-Clash-Of-Titans

Nonstory chapters are banned and an extensive list of characters would be a bad idea even if there was a story at the other end of it. If something matters, it should be clear in the story itself. If it doesn’t, you shouldn’t be filibustering your actual story with it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193797/1/The-Cost-Of-Burgers

[a Rotom]

You’re mostly not capitalizing but you do have a few of those.

[John pinched the bridge of his nose. “You dumb mother… Okay, if rotom are on our level, what about other pokémon? The common ones, like rattata or zigzagoon. Or hey, we know that alakazam and metagross are way smarter than us, right?”]

I think this could stand to have been spun out a bit longer.

Them already believing alakazam are super-smart means that they either already divided pokemon up into food and nonfood or else that they’ve been thinking of pokemon being “smart” as being like a good calculator. If it’s the first one then the rotomdex could be a shock because rotom aren’t known for being crazy smart so if they’re like this maybe all the ones currently food are. If it’s the second, then the point is more about what sort of inner life superintelligent pokemon like alakazam and metagross, previously viewed as basically living calculators, might actually possess. In both cases, it is very much a “what about” situation, because technically it could just be that rotom are the exception here, and yeah okay so that’s a stretch but hey maybe it’s rotom and some other pokemon, maybe even as lot of pokemon, but it’s still possible none are the source of delicious bacon and the nomming can continue, right?

It all seems like it’s worthy of a bit more discussion than just John explaining to Sam that a pokemon being able to talk upsets their current assumptions while Sam is really slow on the uptake, instead of just

[Sam took a bite out of his fries. “So what? Are you saying that all pokémon are sentient and sapient?”

John smirked and clicked the fingers on both of his hands. “Yep, totally. Freaky, yeah?”]

which is so much simpler than it could be. Even if you want the overall dynamic of John knowing what he’s talking about and having a clear endgoal to the conversation, you could give Sam more of a presence in the conversation than just floundering about as John goes through his points. If he was able to realize the pieces of what John was saying and actually discuss/engage with it in other ways, then John brings him back down by reminding him of the burger he’s eating, it’d seem more of a clever pivot and less that Sam is probably a more ethical source of meat than the miltank.

[John put his hands together as if he were praying. “Oh, Arceus who art in ultra-space, give me the strength to deal with such apparent stupidity.”

Sam glared at the other man. “Okay, first of all, arceus isn’t a god. He didn’t create Sinnoh, or the world. It’s just a myth.”

John rolled his eyes. “Rude much? I believe that Arceus created us, and I would ask you to respect that.”]

A funny exchange but it’s undermined by the fact that seriously, there are other legendary pokemon. Not only does no one seem to be interested in Arceus, and not only do Sinnohans actually seem to care about the lake trio instead, but Uxie is connected to knowing vs stupidity and calling upon Azelf for willpower is probably even more relevant in the give-me-the-strength-to-continue sense. And picking one would give a better sense of John’s character! Is he just frustrated and so going with Azelf, more of an everyman character pointing out the obvious here, or is he bringing up this subject because he’s kind of a nerd who’s just into this sort of thing, and so he’s a big fan of Uxie and invokes the pokemon’s name a lot?

[The other group, the Anti-Critics]

One person isn’t a group no matter how many accounts she makes. There are other real people around who have strong feelings about reviews I or other people give, but you can tell they’re real because they say different things and they say those things coherently instead of the blizzard of typos, threats, and madness you get whatever account Hybrid of Fate is using to speak through.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193803/1/In-the-Streets-of-Lago

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Uh…why do I have to go? Can’t we just tell them we don’t serve there?” he asked. His lip quivered a bit and he’d started rubbing his hands together in order to keep them from shaking in front of his mother.

“We don’t have anyone to do the deliveries after Mirai quit and we’re packed here as it is]

So that’s not really an answer to his question, and it’s even weirder when he should completely know that Mirai quit – he’s even just talking about how they’re struggling to handle the customers by themselves. And the fact they’re packed and so presumably making money serving people here makes the fact his mom thinks they have to take the order that might get her kid shot all the weirder.

It seems like the important thing for the fic is he does take the order, so I don’t think you should open with the preamble about the bustling restaurant that not only isn’t needed for that but just seems to contradict it. Just have him getting the food and being freaked out by the destination.

[ “I’ll get going.” he nodded.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[However, just as he stood up and grabbed the bag, he saw Juan pull his scooter back and swiftly sneak his hand on his belt, grabbing his pokeball.

“Hey!”

“Can’t have you packing inside,” Juan stated with a chuckle. “You’ll get it back once you leave. Probably.”]

So, I don’t think pokeballs are really the equivalent of a gun – if nothing else, you can leave your own pokemon out and tell them to attack anyone who tries to open their own pokeball, so it doesn’t have quite the surprise attack potential of guns. On the other hand, the fact pokemon trainership is so universal means this would work pretty well if the point was solidly intimidation/dickery, about having a hostage/showing you’re not concerned with polite society’s rules – maybe more “what’s the matter, you’re here on legit business so there’s no reason we wouldn’t give it back, right?”

[“Ugh!” a male voice groaned out. “Why is a Shinx harder to catch than a damn Mewtwo. Paying for more hearts is going to be a pain.” the male, which sounded pretty young, groaned in annoyance.]

Don’t refer to people as just “the male/female”, it sounds awkward at best. I’m guessing you were trying to avoid committing to either man or boy given you’re making a point that Keita isn’t sure, but “person” would’ve worked fine the second time instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193803/2/In-the-Streets-of-Lago

[“Honestly if there’s something you wanted to tell me then you should probably do so now. I mean your cronies are holding my Pokemon hostage down there and everything!”]

Ah, glad he’s viewing it that way now.

[“Keita, this is our new part time worker. He came in pretty early today and said he’d like to take the vacancy in the restaurant.” Keita heard his mom speak by his side. He heard her but he wasn’t listening, instead he stared at the new employee, his hands grabbing onto his apron nervously.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Miguel smiled the same innocent and kind smile he’d given him the day before when he was at his apartment. “I’m Miguel Herrera. Hope we get along.”]

Hm. I was wondering if Keita was going to be convinced at some point to change his mind and say Miguel could have the apartment but this is a lot better, and that he’s technically not disrespecting Keita’s decision is a good tidbit – a letter-of-the-law sort of person is generally more interesting to deal with than someone who just goes back on their word.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193937/1/The-Glory-of-Conquest

[With the knowledge that his father is trying to keep him from going on his journey like most sixteen-year old’s do caused Griffin to pack his belongings in a flash. ]

Trainers start at ten, don’t use an apostrophe for a possessive, and I think you lost track of your sentence because you should have either “with the knowledge” or “caused”, not both.

[Knowing that if exited through the door ]

If he. You really need to proofread better.

[I swear to Arceus]

Not a thing in Sinnoh, super not a thing in Kanto. Go with a legendary bird if you’re really sure you need pokemonized religion.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Well young Griffin and young Mickey, you are looking at Professor Oak…” the man that Griffin now knows to be Professor Oak spoke]

You just said he grew up in Pallet. Even if his dad had actually kept him locked up in his room this whole time, Oak’s also on TV talking about pokemon.

[“I am sorry to tell you this young one. I only had a select number of Pokémon and those were for the Trainers who were not interested in joining the program that we are trying to initiate and since none of the Trainers that have come to visit me today wanted to participate in this program, I have run out of Pokémon to give.” Professor Oak explained to Griffin and by contrast explained to Mickey.]

This is worded really, really badly. If the point is he does have pokemon for the program, then he can say that directly, as in, “I’m sorry, I only have pokemon left for people who sign up for a particular thing.” Also, I think you mean “by extension” and not “by contrast”, and even “by extension” would be awkward and unnecessary.

I would strongly recommend you get a beta reader. It’s really hard to make out what you’re trying to say.

[“We as Pokémon Professors have spent our lives trying to get a better understanding of the Pokémon of the world and as such we have devised a way for Trainers to carry twelve Pokémon instead of six. Though for us to do this the Pokémon League wants us to have those Trainers who join this program give up control to those who beat them in battle.”

The explanation seemed to take the wind out of Griffin as he was unable to speak as all the thoughts that he has suppressed since he had hit puberty came rushing back to him.

“What do you mean…give up control? Like they would own…us?” Mickey inquired of Professor Birch as he too tried to gain control of the thoughts that were running through his mind.

As if he was never interrupted in the first place Professor Birch dove back into speaking. “That is correct, once you are beaten in battle by someone who is in the program you will bare their mark which will allow the rest of the world that knows about the program or even in it know that you have been claimed by another.” Professor Birch explained though his words didn’t stop there. “Before you ask the mark will make you submissive to those who have beaten you, even if that is not your true nature and during many of your interactions with those who control you will end up sexual.”]

Well that sure got weird fast.

In this as in so many kink things, I think it makes a lot more sense to just say the whole world works this way rather than that pokemon training is otherwise totally normal but someone decided that the best way to see how well trainers handle twice as many pokemon was create a magical brand that makes people subs and then tell the trainers to get to fucking each other.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13193956/1/Even-In-Arcadia

[“Greetings, Grumpig! I heard part of your conversation about glasses earlier, and it sounds like you might have a few misconceptions I could help clear up. Would you like to hear my explanation about the principles of optics?”

Grumpig groaned and faced the blocky, blue and red duck that had waddled up next to him, oblivious to the mud their feet were slowly sinking into.

“Can you explain why everyone always keeps bothering me when I’m trying to take a nap?” he said, trying to convey as much exasperation in his voice as he possibly could.

“Certainly!” Porygon replied. “Memories associated with emotions such as frustration are easier to recall, and so the relatively few instances where your sleeping has been interrupted are much more salient to you than the many times when you were able to take a nap without difficulty. As organic creatures tend to estimate the frequency of events by the ease with which they can remember them, you therefore experience an illusion that-”

“I was being sarcastic!” Grumpig nearly shouted.

“Oh. So would you like to hear the explanation about optics?”]

Oh thank god I know Grumpig was confused but it was still nagging me.

So, I’m of two minds. Obviously Espeon is supposed to be annoying, but there sure is an awful lot of her babbling on and on and on here. And a lot of the pokemon are the sort of quirky that’s hilarious if they’re here for a bit but then less so as it keeps going from there (<3 that seviper, though). And it all just takes forever. But it’s also clear it’s supposed to be the whole slice-of-life-but-actually-sinister type of thing, and that does require a lot of apparently banal setup. The ratio needs tweaking, maybe?

[Eevee knew the sylveon’s name, Alice, but she only remembered the glaceon and luxio as being ‘the mean one’ and ‘the dumb one’, respectively.]

Also, while I find it really intriguing how the past/real world pokemon have actual names instead of going by species, I’m confused by how the other pokemon still refer to them as “Eevee” and “Clefairy”. Is it tied to age and they weren’t quite old enough? Did it get overwritten or something, and this is how they remember it when they remember it at all?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194327/1/Blue-Lightning

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Capitalize “I”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194619/1/saffron-gods

[The elites in their ivory towers cannibalize the lie amongst themselves as early as they can—shit like getting their kids to believe that a kind and benevolent delibird will come to their house once per year and give out presents. ]

As cool a word as cannibalize is, I don’t think there’s any way to make it work here when lies are definitely not the self and cannibalism requires devouring your own in some way. Maybe something more like infect or contaminate or pollute?

Do appreciate the lovely bitterness over poke-Christmas, though! The rich kids are always the nicest, the poor must’ve always been too naughty.

[ Instead of one magical bird that gives you gifts, we learn about three—and their gifts to Kanto of searing wrath, galvanizing secrets, and frigid indifference. ]

:D

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194619/2/saffron-gods

:D :D :D Love love love all of the worldbuilding you’ve got here.

[“So we agree. Lying about giving a man a team of dragons that he didn’t even train himself and propelling him to the top of the League doesn’t inherently disprove the inequalities that still exist in today’s society, even if he’s well-accepted by the masses.”]

And ah, that’s an interesting twist. It seems an obviously bad idea to have the minority representation that’s supposed to make them shut up be totally disconnected from them, but feel I can sort of feel the reasoning there – you’re trying to make group A less mad about the oppression, but then group B doing the oppression is going to be mad he’s not up to their standards and want him gone, so you gotta pretty him up a lot until he’s near unrecognizable, and then you don’t care enough about group A to go back and check in on if they’re okay with completely fabricated representation because hey, it’s looking good to you!

Also, god a lower-key pokemorph setup is cool and how great a fit it is into everything else with this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194619/3/saffron-gods

[His eyes slide past her, to the single picture frame that graces the entry hall, a faded recollection of a beaming couple and six unruly children. Even in the old greys of the picture, the mother’s face looks just as old as it is now.]

Oh, so close and so far! (Really, all of this is so beautifully subtle.)

So Oak’s hedging his bets. That honestly makes so much more sense than just figuring this one kid with a meowth will definitely be champion, and also sets up nicely for that one kid to actually do his own thing – more kids Oak’s juggling, harder it’ll be for him figure out each one’s particular goals. Plus it’s just more fitting for Oak to not have true belief in any of the kids he’s sending out.

Curious why he’s particularly interested in Desdemona – it seems like he doesn’t know what’s up with her and he said earlier he wanted quimera kids for this. Maybe he just assumes she probably is, or else he thinks she’s otherwise a good fit for the job?

Also I don’t know what’s creepier, the stalker surveillance state or the way none of them seem to think it’s creepy at all.

[They walk through the clandestine halls in silence for a bit, which only serves to make Marianne even more aware of the way her heels click against the tile floor. “Anything in particular you’re after, Jake?”]

I think you mean Sara, since you just said it’s her job due to Marianne being out.

[Des doesn’t answer her question. “You ever seen a green pokémon that wasn’t a caterpie or a bellsprout in these parts? Looks pre-historic, a little.”]

Also hm, I assume this is a clue but I don’t know the human cast and their teams well. I was thinking larvitar but for both Des and Sara to not recognize it and the emphasis that kid’s running a wholly foreign team, an axew? That also fits with having no idea of the type, since dragons are weird like that. (Did you know Bulbapedia has a page organizing by color? Because I would not have even thought of axew otherwise, for some reason I keep forgetting it.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194741/1/A-Guide-to-Writing-Pok%C3%A9mon-Fanfiction

[ and thus the same rules apply]

Which is a hard sell when this itself is rulebreaking. Yeah, it’s not the nonsense garbage sort of nonstory other people are clogging the category with and yeah, it’d be nice if FFN just allowed essays like Fictionpress, and yeah, god knows there are so so many people who could stand to hear this, but it’s still undermining your point to say other people should follow the rules but you don’t have to. AO3 does allow this sort of thing, the forums here work, or you could make sure each section contained an actual short story to go with it. (That’s /why/ the stuff you see here is always parodies, because the rules are it must be a story to be here at all. There are other fanfic guides. They’re just not posted to the story category of FFN.)

[“Arceus, how she loathed those fucking bugs.”]

Also, aside from all the many points that’ve been made about how Arceus isn’t actually something you can sub in for Christianity and this is an example of unfounded fanon taking over in a hideous convergence of contradicted by canon, an incredibly boring direction to go in, and beaten into the ground from overuse, aside from all of that, there’s the fact that in fanfic you’re supposed to be paying attention to the existing information about the characters. Misty does not swear by Arceus. (She also isn’t particularly defined by her bug-hatred either as it really only comes up when certain bugs are getting shoved directly in her face, but at least that’s flanderizing a trait that did exist as opposed to completely ignoring who she is.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13194835/1/Tess-Challenge

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of individual people, places, or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I’d also strongly recommend you find a beta reader to go over your writing as there are a lot of other minor errors throughout this. English is a really tough language.

And so the reviewing is done! This was a really easy run, even with real world headaches I had to deal with, and it was nice getting to spend more time on a lot of the stories as a result.

2 Comments

  1. illhousen says:

    So, DF next? Fells like it would be a step down from fanfiction.

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