NaRe 2019 Day 7 (24)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179124/1/Your-Shadow-At-Evening

This is terrific.

The description as a whole is lovely but I particularly like how you zig with stock descriptions – instead of “this is/was a human but I can turn off my empathy and pretend otherwise” it’s “this isn’t a human, but I still empathize” (even before getting into what a wonderful setup it is for the chapter ending), and the way the blade is literally thirsty.

[She finds herself staring at the hilt of the sword as the blood slowly drains across the surface, frantically trying to make sure that it focuses on that and not the thin crimson trickle that’s leaking out from where the electivire threw her into the rock.]

And you really do a good job of portraying that Asi is a tenuous and dangerous partner and not just a matter of having a spooky cool sword that’s awesome.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179124/2/Your-Shadow-At-Evening

The opening of this chapter is even better than the last.

I like what you’ve sketched of how the world’s changed, though I wish there was even more detail about how things developed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179124/3/Your-Shadow-At-Evening

[Zapdos are reborn in the heart of a storm, when the clouds come so dark and thick that it seems like the sea itself has descended from the skies. Naturally, this being Orre, it has been quite a long time since that last happened.]

I love that blend of mystical and natural, and it’s so particularly fitting to pokemon where they’re supposed to be tied to the present state of the world.

I also love how badly this is all going – Shyena trying to fix things is just creating new and exciting difficulties, because pft, why resolve things when problems could keep building instead?

I do hope they have some way of fixing their bird body, though…I guess if souls/brains can fuse, maybe similar magic can let them shift bits around even though they’re currently out of hands to do normal fixing?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179124/4/Your-Shadow-At-Evening

Ooh, and now the first character’s hopping on the spiraling problems train. And she has elaborate backstory misery even beyond the regular dying world misery! Also Cipher’s got something resembling a plan, apparently, which promises even more disaster.

And yet, I’m the only one to review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179188/1/The-Day-He-Smiled

I feel this is more a day in the life of abused kids than saying something about these characters in particular.

Anthea and Concordia were apparently adopted to be N’s caretakers, so it’s unlikely they’d be so close in age or have a dynamic that’s closer to them freely running around being marginally less abused than N rather than serving some real purpose. Similarly, it doesn’t really fit to say Ghetsis is incredibly yet standardly abusive and baby N is hideously traumatized and nonfunctional around him – yeah, Ghetsis is horrible, but that’s not the way he was horrible in canon and it doesn’t work with Ghetsis’ actual convoluted plan. Even the elements of Ghetsis that match up perfectly with that of an abusive person in power, that he’s able to put forth a good front that doesn’t match his actual motivations at all, doesn’t fit with the fact that he’s planning to put N in a highly visible position – if he just enjoys abusing children into terrified statues, he’d be doing it to Anthea and Concordia because they’re the ones no one’s going to be paying attention to, and having a split between N who gets cloistered and used but also somewhat protected vs Anthea and Concordia who get relative freedom but also way more abuse would get closer to this story being about the characters themselves.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179278/1/Mortal-Sin

[“A complete Chimera that understands Human words.”]

When stealing a scene from somewhere else, please put forth the bare minimum of effort to change it enough to pretend it has to do with the new setting. Pokemon already understand human words.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179471/1/Adventures-of-a-Pokemon-Master

Your title should have more to do with your story than its genre. If you were writing a ghost story, would you use that as your title?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Grey Lockwood is my name, and I came here to start my journey.”

“Well why come here if you already have a huge Charizard?”

“Well I don’t have a Pokedex, and I’m definitely gonna need that if I want to become a Pokémon Master.”]

I assume part of this is you want a reason for him to bump into Ash, Gary, and/or Professor Oak, but it’s a really bad reason. You don’t need a pokedex and it doesn’t make sense that he’d have to get one in person if he did – we even see Ash getting his upgraded without needing to return. In game canon, professors often give out pokemon so the kid can run an errand, so if he already has pokemon, he could easily be there because he’s delivering something (be it the starters themselves or something Oak ordered for other purposes).

[As he threw up 3 pokeballs, a corresponding number of Pokémon came out. Bagon, a small dragon with small arms and a large head, Aron, a small quadra-ped with a large silver head and blue eyes, and then Beldum, a machine-like creature with only a single eye and small, sharp claws at the bottom of its body. Grey quickly scanned all 4 of his Pokémon before heading out to begin his journey.]

So he doesn’t just have a shiny charizard but his entire team is of incredibly overused pokemon. That’s really dull.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179699/1/Pokemon-Amethyst-and-Garnet-Revised-Version

[ “Riley, come help me!” she understandably demanded.]

Use normal speech tags.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Okay, so I like that this doesn’t involve waking up or a professor. And it even opens with people actively doing things, which is a real plus.

[Just then, they heard the echo of someone’s heavy boots as it ricocheted off the stone walls of the tunnel system. It got louder, implying the creator of the footsteps was getting closer. Rose and Riley both turned to face the leftward tunnel. Through the darkness, a tall, slim figure was slowly revealed through the cave’s shadows. They had pale skin and a slender build, complete with a stoic expression. Their lavender-coloured hair was styled into an almost spiralling quiff, with bits of black spicing it up.

Their outfit stuck out, particularly to Riley. They wore a black trench coat, complete with a black leather belt through the coat’s belt loops, and even one woven loosely through the ends of the coat’s torn right sleeve. It was just like the coat Team Delta’s mysterious and dangerous Leader had worn in all the encounters Riley had had with him, only this character’s coat was torn at the bottom, and on the sleeve. The rips and tears in the jacket made it looks almost piratical.

The male character also wore dark brown jeans that bunched up near their boots, which were thick hiking boots. A popular style in Chinocko, because of its many different types of terrains, with Riley and Rose even having a pair in their bag each. The nameless man’s were entirely black, save for a triangular gold buckle on the outside of each, and the details of them could only be made out because he was standing directly in the light of a lamp hanging from above.

Furthermore, he had an intimidating but simplistic studded pauldron on his left shoulder, with an onyx fingerless glove on the corresponding hand. Around his wrist was a black-cased PokéTek with its flashlight function turned on, pointing to the ground. He lifted up the flashlight and its light cast upon Riley and Rose, making them both flinch. Then, he touched the screen of his PokéTek, which made the flashlight deactivate.]

But then it smashes to a halt as you spend four paragraphs describing this guy.

Having the newbie main characters be super impressed by a mysterious someone who’s further along than they are can certainly work, but mystery doesn’t usually involve four paragraphs of meticulous description.

Similarly, your first chapter needs to have more to it than just how stylish each rip is. If you pared that down, you’d have a solid start to a first chapter, but you then need to continue and go somewhere instead of “okay, he dealt with the roadblock, chapter over!” They were trying to get through, now they can, so what do they do next? Do they chase after him? Do they wait a bit to be sure they don’t accidentally catch up with him? Do they just walk normally and it’s kind of awkward because they know he’s not that far ahead of them but obviously he doesn’t want to acknowledge them? Do they think his whole too-cool-to-battle-you was actually cool, are they mad he thinks he’s so much better when he’s not so great, do they feel embarrassed they’re not as cool? What were they planning to do originally, what happens next on that front?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179702/1/Electrical-Ash

[Ash Ketchum Got betrayed and fell violently into a river, recovered by the three famous losers of team rocket, ash recovery is not progressing well and for ashes survival a DNA transfer is the last unwanted option… will ash survive the experiment and walk out the facility unscathed? Read to find out]

The chapter feature is for chapters, not a repeat of your summary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179727/1/A-adventure-starts

Capitalize your title properly.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Spellcheck.

Script format is banned.

Generally, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179784/1/Hair-Trigger-Temper

[“Pikachu, I get that you don’t like me, and that’s fine, but I don’t want my journey to be with pokemon that don’t enjoy being there. So, even though I like your take-no-nonsense attitude, I think I am going to let you go.”]

This makes for a good divergence point but the way you’re doing it sounds extremely stilted, like you’re laying things out for the reader rather than one person talking to another and really clumsily laying them out at that – “I think I am going to let you go” instead of just saying he’s letting Pikachu go is particularly bad.

Really, all Ash should need to say is that he doesn’t want to travel with a pokemon who hates him. If you really want to get into how Ash has no problem with how he’s being treated otherwise and be really explicit about feelings, you can still cut it down to something like, “Pikachu, I like your take-no-nonsense attitude, but I don’t want my journey to be with pokemon that don’t enjoy being there so you’re free.”

You also need a smoother lead-in to them getting into a fight than Pikachu squeaking, Ash understanding exactly what that means, then deciding the best response is to beat Pikachu up. Having Pikachu attack him instead of leave works, but Ash’s reactions after that are bizarre. Why not something like, say, Ash’s annoyed that Pikachu’s response to getting what he wants is to keep attacking Ash, so Ash tries to drive Pikachu off and that results in the extended fight?

[Ash rushed forward and attempted to bring the stick down between the mouse pokemon’s head but Pikachu was must faster than Ash and dodged with another thundershock aimed at Ash.[

“much faster”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

…you really, really did not need to then skip back to Ash running to Oak’s lab. The spearow sequence playing out exactly the same is already super boring without deciding to pause it to rehash something that wasn’t too exciting even the first time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13179957/1/Tales-of-the-Gaurdian-of-Legends

Your title is misspelled.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13180411/1/She-s-Got-Potential

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13180543/1/The-First-Real-Lucario

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Well, this trip aught to be good.]

“Ought”. “Aught” means “anything” except when it’s short for “naught” in which case it means “nothing.

Oh, English. “This word means this except also it means the opposite, and it’s probably because the word that was supposed to mean the opposite got slightly shortened to a slang term.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13180950/1/Secrets-I-rewritten

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13180956/1/POKEMON-ULTIMATE

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Pikachu did as he said and used Thunderwave, the attack paralyzing the opposing trainer’s Geodude.]

No.

[Use, THUNDER WAVE!]

[Pidgey use, GUST]

[PIkachu use, THUNDER SHOCK!]

Also no. Get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181075/1/Pokemon-Pangea

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Prelude January 2020]

[December 2048]

Okay, so your prelude is about how a bunch of store workers get torn apart by pokemon as even tiny spiders turn into deadly monsters. Now twenty-eight years later, civilization is already chugging along with rival schools and main characters cursing out preps?

If you want the appearance of pokemon to be a hiccup in human society, don’t open with a complete massacre. And even with zero deaths it’d be hard to believe things were this close to normal within three decades.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Abortion, or termination, had been outlawed right after the war, as had anything else that was seen to hinder repopulation]

Without abortion, women die, and it turns out that they’re attached to those wombs you need for repopulation. Of course, it’s even more ludicrous to think repopulating would even be anyone’s first concern given that they’d be trying to figure out how to feed people with farms gone and supply chains rubble. Disasters aren’t just cute excuses to ruin the lives of women. They ruin everyone’s lives.

[‘Thank you all! Better late than never I guess, bet you all missed me, huh?’ he asked, pointing to Hayley and Marie. They went all girly and I wanted to kick them both in the face. He was such a vulgar creature.]

So you keep /saying/ all the kids are mean to her, but all she actually does is go on (and on and on and on and fucking on) like this at them just existing in front of her, with the occasional misogyny burst like this.

And of course we’re ending with her and a razor blade, nothing else could match the waah mean popular kids of the rest of the high school segment.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181134/1/Here-We-Are

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[This fanfic assumes that Manon is aro and Alan is ace-aro. It’s kind of mentioned here and there between the lines but eh might as well say it out loud anyways. ]

That works, but it’s muddied a bit by the fact the book about love also talks exclusively in best-friend terms. I’d think Manon trying to look stuff up would result in a mix of yes/no, for example, instead of it seeming to match perfectly but Manon just being sure that can’t be right.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181173/1/The-Story-of-The-Rose-Bowl

lrn2troll

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181626/1/Some-Time-Alone

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A shabby path twists]

The rest of this is in past tense.

[There were the excepted desks ]

Expected.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181939/1/a-generic-opening-to-a-pmd-fic-but-it-s-a-run-on-sentence

No, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13181941/1/Journey-to-be-the-Best-Kanto

“Your” is the possessive. “You’re” is short for “you are”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“I will! I’m going to be the very best!” Eliana was going to make her mom and dad proud! She gave her mom one final grin before racing down the road to get to Professor Oak’s Pokémon lab. Hopefully without being late, like a certain ten-year-old boy with messy black hair and the dream of becoming a Pokémon Master.

TBC…]

…is a bad idea, because nothing much has happened and the point of a first chapter is to hook the reader. If your story is about Eliana traveling with Ash, continuing long enough for her to actually meet up with Ash would probably have been the best choice.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13182035/1/A-spark-in-the-dark

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[So, do you have a name? If you do, Pyro can probably translate it for me.” She smiled. “That’s me by the way.” Charmander said.]

If pokemon are intelligent and humans know this because they can sorta communicate, it makes beating or tricking pokemon into pokeballs awful. Yes, even if you have one of them say actually it’s totally fine.

[“You’ve been captured. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Before I was captured I was living off of scraps, foraging for food, trying to keep my tail dry in the rain. Then a nice professor caught me in a Pokeball, and shortly after I was given to her. It’s a nice life. She feeds me, cares for me, and the Pokeball is pretty awesome.” He explained.]

If it’s so great, then why didn’t they just tell the wild eevee this and ask if anyone wanted to join up? Having her choose to go with a trainer, to take a risk, would say more about her than just being too dumb to recognize that the girl had pulled out a pokeball.

Also, while I like that she has her own name, if pokemon have names, then it doesn’t make much sense the charmander is Pyro – they’d all just be called FIRESYNONYM if that’s how they name themselves, but it doesn’t make sense the girl would name him as if the charmander’s capable of relaying the eevee’s name he’s capable of relaying his own. Similarly, the girl really doesn’t need to grab the eevee and try to make out genitalia, she can just ask if the eevee’s a boy or girl.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13182096/1/A-Dream-of-a-Cyndaquil

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

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