NaRe 2020 Day 11

A fic engaging with pokemon treatment and ethics! Also, Ash and girls, but one of them is weird because the girl’s side of things is the actual story and yet for some reason the narrative keeps drifting over to Ash doing nothing of note. And yet another PMD fic with a quiz that accidentally brushes up again the possibility of doing something interesting with it.

 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476683/1/Pursuit (0)

So let’s begin today with me gesturing at a thing about canon characters that I do not object to but also don’t know what to say about. Somebody who cares about Giovanni and/or Nanu review please.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476688/1/Our-Dream-Amourshipping (2)

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476739/1/Failed-Experiment (1)

[This is a test this is not the actual story I will write a real story but this is just a test]

Then it shouldn’t still be up two days later. Delete this and post once you’ve actually written the story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476759/1/Chlorine (2)

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[She leads him to the pool, a place he has not been since his childhood.  ]

A lot of your phrasing and setup is weird, with the story flowing like it’s two people who grew up in the same hometown and one left and has only just returned. Yeah, technically “the two times I very briefly visited this place, I was a child” and “I haven’t been here since childhood” don’t contradict, but they’re talking about completely different situations. His nostalgia for every detail of the Cerulean pool that you keep bringing up just doesn’t make sense – at most, I could buy that he used to spend time at a variety of pools because Misty insisted, and after they split he didn’t, where the focus was on commonalities all pools share (like the chlorine smell).

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476844/1/The-Suicune-s-Choice (3)

[“Haru,” the ranger said suddenly, her eyes still fixed on the monitor. His stomach somersaulted.  ]

I really like how delicately you build that there’s more going on here than it seems.

[His hand clenched involuntarily around the single pokeball on his belt.]

A bit confused about this – if he’s going out with just one that means he’ll be pokemonless halfway through, and he says in a bit that two of his other pokemon can be kept, and also, I’d think he wouldn’t want to be drawing any attention to it by having it on display. So, I’d think he’d have two on his belt and the third hidden in a pocket or something. Unless, I guess, he’s planning to pretend to get in an accident where he accidentally loses his only pokemon and oh no couldn’t do anything without another pokemon to help him?

[ “Just imagine where you’d be if you’d taken a job earlier. Experience counts, you know. Starting so late, you’re going to see a salary drop of at least twenty-five percent compared to your peers. Maybe more.”  ]

I also like how you’ve not only developed the world but actually gone in a direction where it doesn’t all revolve around trainers. Sticking with his pokemon this long had consequences, and giving up on being a pokemon trainer has other consequences, and there really was no easy solution to it all.

[Haru understood the purpose of the law better than most people. Letting loose trained pokemon disrupted the ecological balance.  ]

Similarly, this is such an interesting idea. It makes internal sense and it also matches with how in canon we see lots of pokemon taken from the wild but little sign of them returning. And yet, the idea of pokemon going back home comes up so much, and it’s so easy to empathize with the desire.

The religious push is also appreciated – it’s really cool to see different interpretations of a familiar element, and people taking the same familar thing and pulling different meanings from it feels like the real core of how various beliefs work.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476846/1/The-Breath-of-New-Life-Rewrite (8)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

So, the thing is, from what you’ve got Ash’s part in this is really the least interesting. You open talking about how it looks from his perspective and how he’ll be realizing this and that, but the story only gets going when you switch to Marnie – she has opinions, and desires, and plans, and drive. And then we cut back to Ash…being Ash, once again challenging a new region, still wanting to be a pokemon master, nobody was wondering about this, everyone already gets it. The only time Ash fits into the story in a non-annoying way is when Marnie meets up with him at the end, because then we’re seeing him from someone else’s perspective and getting an idea of why she might be interested in what he’s doing and paying attention to it, rather than checking in on him no matter what just because he’s the show protagonist.

From the sounds of it, this is going to be either actually about Ash or split between the two, but from the first chapter, it’d be a lot better if it were about Marnie and Ash was a secondary character.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476864/1/Cleanse (0)

[“I could say the same to you.” I replied,  ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476975/1/Rocket-Takeover

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Don’t have family, and I don’t need one. I’ve lived in the wild since I was born”] Not really how people work.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13477002/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Fear-of-the-Dark (1)

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[“I see… do you mind answering some questions for clarity’s sake?” the light asked more solemnly.

… You already did, he thought without pause]

No, the light already /asked/ questions, but the sentence here was about if he minds answering them. “I already am” is a response to that. “You already did” would need to be in response to something like “Can I ask some questions?”

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.

[“Do you find yourself scared of many things?” The light questioned.

… No, but… when I’m scared of something, I’m usually so scared I can’t act against it, he answered.

“Yes, yes, I see he didn’t make a bad choice; I definitely see promise in you,”]

This is a bizarre note to end on because nothing about that answer sounds promising. Someone who isn’t afraid of every trivial thing but will absolutely lock up in the face of something actually bad is probably going to be better under ordinary circumstances but they’re going to have a real bad time as a chosen hero given they generally have to face serious danger. I’d much rather have someone who was scared of everything but courageous enough not to let fear stop them.

If you want to explore the problems of an unsuited hero who is absolutely going to be struggling with this, that could be quite interesting – not much of a character arc if they’re starting out with everything already in place – but in that case the standard questionnaire section shouldn’t be ending with the standard “right everything’s fine and you’re totally perfect” bit. And really, someone going well fuck I guess we’re stuck with you though would be a breathe of fresh air.

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