Lot of low-effort stuff today.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481167/1/Warriors-of-hope (0)
Capitalize your title correctly.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.
Write out numbers with letters.
Nonstory chapters are banned. You should put your author’s note in above of your actual first chapter instead of posting it as your first chapter. Also, the extended summary shouldn’t be here at all, that should actually be worked into the story itself.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481254/1/Let-Me-Be-With-You (1)
[ He was a fun loving guy accelerating with raw playfullness and shear amount of compassion for pokemons. ]
“Accelerating” is the wrong word. You might mean “overflowing” or possibly “vibrating”. “Playfulness” has only one L. “Shear” is the thing you do to sheep, you want “sheer”. In general, I’d suggest a beta reader.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Taylonflame ]
Look up how pokemon species names are spelled, don’t just guess.
[ a Mightyena ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481546/1/A-Galarian-Cinderella (0)
[Cindy was only when her father died. ]
Really not a good sign when the very first line of your fic has a mistake in it. You need to proofread better.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
This doesn’t seem complete as a first chapter. You introduce elements but don’t complete a thought – she’s Cinderella, but her life is significantly better than real Cinderella in that her name just happens to be that and all her evil family does is make her do a lot of chores, instead of her needing to sleep by the kitchen fire to not freeze, not being allowed to even wash the soot off, and then given a mocking nickname as a result. She’s evilly forced into the forest to do chores with no pokemon, but also that goes fine, so it doesn’t sound like she really did need one.
[Now that she was closer, Cindy could see that his leg had been caught in some sort of net trap. Cindy had to clamp her hands into fists to release the rush of anger the net caused her. ]
Plus this would suggest her family is doing things to keep wild pokemon away, which, given she’s the only one in the area, would actually indicate they’re trying to keep her safe. Clearly there’s some secret nefarious reason for all this, but just, so far her family is being just regular mean and not fairy tale super mean. Nothing changes about her situation, not even when she encounters and helps the joltik. There’s no “and then a bad thing happens as a result” that should be there to end the first chapter, like one of her family members seeing her do this and getting mad at her.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481547/1/Pokemon-Fire-Red-The-Nuzlocke (1)
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
This is bottom of the barrel jokes that have been done a million times. Swear words alone do not make you clever.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481749/1/It-only-ends-with-you (0)
Capitalize your title correctly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Of course not when you get kidnapped from your family while trying to help them get food on the table and on top of that treating me like a slave during your journey which you forced me to come on for 5 fucking years when I made it clear that I didn’t want to,” I started up on the human who looked surprised at the entire thing.]
So, you say that recent tech has allowed for pokemon to be understood, but this is sounding like “recent” was five minutes ago. Your character says this upon being waking up, so it doesn’t seem like it’s something he’s been keeping under wraps only to suddenly hit his limit and blow up. And given he also rants about how no one ever listened even though his trainer sure seems to be listening, it really seems like it’d make more sense if Lloyd had just brought a translator and this is all coming out in a burst.
Your plotting and characterization is generally very jumpy and prone of leaps of logic that are hard to follow. I’d really suggest getting a beta reader you can talk to about what you’re trying to do and how to best accomplish it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481881/1/Dreamverse-Stories (0)
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.
[A shiny Suicune.]
Seriously? How would she even tell? Has she seen another suicune before, and even then, how would she know that the second one has the unusual variant colors and not the first? Hell, they’re in a cave right now and shiny suicune doesn’t even look that different, how can she be sure it’s not just a lighting issue?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[I pretty much changed a small chunk of Akita’s backstory and motive here, gave the story a lot more significance to the Dreamverse as a whole.]
This made absolutely no sense as a one-shot. You didn’t establish who Akita even is, or any of the other characters, or anything about the situation that happened, let alone why any of it mattered. If something only works as a scene in a larger story, stick it in that larger story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481884/1/Brand-New-Day-Brand-New-World (0)
Your first chapter should involve more than one character tediously filling out another even more fictional character sheet.