NaRe Day 5 (16)

A lot of grammar errors but some rather unorthodox first-pokemon-gettings as well, including one where the pokemon gets to have a name of their own. Also, a straight up isekai fic and it doesn’t even involve better!Ash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13172913/1/continuation

[“Did I ask?” Is her intelligent reply.]

[“Did I ask?” He attempts]

[“Hey, I…” he almost flinches when she takes his Mega Bracelet into her hands.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173011/1/Project

The start of a sentence needs to be capitalized. So does the word “I”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173024/1/Ash

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Hm. I’m guessing this was done as a drabble, in which case there really isn’t space to expand it, but this feels almost right but not quite there. Maybe at [Serena looked over at Misty, who shook her head and smiled. “But he’s still our Ash.”], as they’ve both said how he was different when they knew him, but this doesn’t go on to say what the common Ash-factor is to them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173059/1/Pokemon-Drip-Version

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[He wanted to answer the question with the bitter but accurate truth. The kind that would empty half the seats in trainer schools and would slash revenue across the league circuit. But that would be selfish, and the survival of the way of life he adores so much is dependent on the naive and hopeful.]

That doesn’t make sense. If the trainer lifestyle he loves is dependent on grinding up hopeful kids, and telling them the truth would spare those kids, he’s being selfish by not telling them the truth to keep something he values going.

[ First of the class, Kiara Smith, had walked up to the stage and picked a pokeball from the casing left behind the makeshift stage atop the hill. Her partner was a riolu, incredibly lucky considering the ratios of what kind of pokemon in each graduation casing there was. It was a given amount to all students, a way to make the selection random and also teach students to not expect anything to be given to them beyond the chance to become trainers, even their choice of starter was stripped from them.The star-struck student did the math in his head.

‘4% of every case contains a pokemon who can at most can reach 5th class level of destruction upon human structures, which is to say none at all. This is where we put things like caterpie and weedle. 20% is 4th class, which are things like poochyana and zigzagoon. 50% are 3rd class, which is populated with most elemental types and humanoid fighters. 25% are 4th class, filled with large elementals and some of the lesser dragons like goodra and dragalge. 1% was the rare 1st class destructive pokemon. 1st classification pokemon are dangers to society if left unchecked.]

To teach the kids not to expect good things, they made sure some of the starters were totally awesome and great?

Look, if you want some of the kids to be super special, you could just say that they get to pick in order of who does best. If you’re trying to say something coherent about their society being brutal and cruel, they should give these kids nothing but garbage starters and tell them if they want anything good they need to work for it. If you want your main character to have a special starter, then go to sensible route of parents not paying for a school just to screw their kid for no reason and have them give out high quality starters to everyone and just let the kids crash and burn anyway because training is hard and a good starter doesn’t mean you personally will do any good at it.

[“Arden Kent, 113th in his class!” The principal announced his name, shaking him from his thoughts. He shuffled out of his aisle, walking up the hill to take his starter nervously. In taking his time to explain the odds in his own head he had forgotten to pay attention to the other 112 students in order to gauge his own odds of getting a good starter. A distinct lack of motivation to do homework or anything other than read about pokemon had led to him being near the bottom 10% of his class and with far worse odds of getting a good starter, but he had at least hoped to prepare himself for the shitty mon he was sure to get. ]

That’s not how statistics work, but I guess it’s IC for someone in the bottom 10% to think it matters in a random lottery what order you go in even though the school must have explained things a hundred times by now and probably has posters everywhere along the lines of WE HATE YOU YOUR STARTER IS TOTALLY RANDOM AND SOMETIMES IT’S A CATERPIE AND NOTHING YOU DO WILL CHANGE THAT YOU CAN GET STRAIGHT As OR FLUNK OR BRIBE EVERY LAST ONE OF US TO TRY TO CHANGE YOUR FATE AND WE’RE STILL PRECISELY AS LIKELY TO SCREW YOU OVER HAHAHAHAHA coating every wall.

[“Wow, Mom. Thanks.” Arden’s deadpan stopped when he thought about the gender of his larvitar. What would he name her? It had to be something fierce, something to fit the tyranitar to become, he thought. His thoughts were once again disrupted by his mother’s absurdities.

“Her name is Bella.” The larvitar let its paw out of its mouth and began to motion at the floor, probably still hungry. It made a cute sound, inching towards the ground while in Arden’s mother’s grasp. The older woman cooed once more, hugging the rock tightly to her chest. “She’s so adorable! Belll-la! Belll-la! Belll-la!” She said, throwing the rock into the air and catching her on the downturn of her name. The larvitar began to make a sound akin to laughing, Arden scowled, returning the larvitar to its ball.

“Her name is not Bella.” Allen said.

“She’s your sister and her name is Bella, you don’t get to choose your sibling’s names.” She chastised.]

This is hilarious, Bella is a wonderful name, and larvitar are adorable!

So now I want one of these where the pokeballs are supposed to be roughly based on how well you did at school or it’s a lottery with some explanation (they buy pokemon within a price range so there’s a few cool ones in there that breeders had overstocked) but someone’s parents bribed the school to make sure they just happened to draw an awesome one. Or maybe the bribe happened but someone screwed up and the wrong kid got it! A lot of fics set up rules for how things work but few have characters actually interacting and messing with those rules.

Only problem would be that such parents would probably just buy the pokemon themselves as a gift… So I guess it’d also require a setting where there are a lot of restrictions on getting a pokemon.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13172921/1/Master-s-of-MTSilver

[Grammer gets better on the later chapters!]

Given it’s spelled “grammar”, this is not really reassuring. Spellcheck and get a beta reader.

All sentences need punctuation at the end of them.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173090/1/I-m-in-the-pokemon-world-as-Jessie

Titles should be capitalized properly. That applies to both your fic’s title and any title you bring up in the fic, such as [Right now she was watching the episode for ho-oh the bells toll]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[“There you are” said Giovanni. ‘This man is creepier than when I saw him on tv’ thought Selina. “I have called you three here because it is now time for you to start going around the whole region of Kanto collecting pokemon for me” said Giovanni. ‘Start?’ thought Selina “does this mean this is the beginning of the whole pokemon series?’ “Of course sir,” said Meowth, confidently, “we’ll bring you lots of pokemon”. ]

Okay, see how you’re making a distinction between coolly assessing a fictional situation and really being in it with how Giovanni is creeping her out? That should also apply to the fact there’s a difference between thinking that Jessie could do her job better and actually being in the position where “better” means “personally committing crimes that will harm others”.

[ Remembering TM’s from pokemon games, Selina wondered if there were some TM’s in the headquarters. She asked an employee of the headquarters and the man said there was a room full of TM’s. He showed her the way. “Don’t you dare lose any of these TM’s if you are taking them with you, these were very expensive” said the man. “You can trust me with these things” said Selina. Selina took one of every TM there were in the TM room. ]

This, meanwhile, is easily the worst problem with those isekai stories you’re talking about. It isn’t convincing to say your character is cleverer than the canon one if all you can offer is that they guess something could exist with no evidence and then take advantage of something that, if it had existed, everyone should have already taken advantage of.

If Team Rocket has a warehouse of free TMs for anyone who wants them, then everyone in Team Rocket should already know to use it. Moreover, given they apparently want people to use them since they let her take every type of TM just for showing up, they shouldn’t even be waiting for people to wander over and ask but should just distribute them among the grunts.

Selina has the advantage of knowing what sort of events are going to happen in the future and is presumably better at pokemon battling than Jessie was. That should be enough for her to have a good idea of what specific moves her pokemon need to learn and do so right now, instead of needing to take every available TM with her because she has no idea which to actually use.

If this is supposed to be Selina being better than Jessie was, she needs to actually show intelligence and not just get handed piles of stuff for breathing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173143/1/The-Scarlet-Mystery

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You also shouldn’t use the exact same markings for thoughts and texts.

[Jenny stared at the phone for a moment, dumfounded. “I woke up at 6:43? In the AM?”]

Yeah, that’d freak me out as well.

[Wasting no time she started typing a response to the unknown number, ‘that was a red sentret. I don’t know a lot about pokémon variants, but I’ve never heard of red sentret before.’]

Well, shiny sentret is kind of red, and also there’s different shinies across generations and no reason there couldn’t be nonstandard shinies in addition to those. Someone who did know a lot about pokemon variants might be able to say with certainty that sentret absolutely never look like this, but even then it’s a bit weak. If the point is to get her attention, a pokemon she doesn’t recognize at all seems stronger, or a pokemon that has some more major difference than just fur color.

[From where Jenny was standing, she could see that the pokémon was very small, about the size of a toddler, and very fairylike in appearance.]

A lot of pokemon are toddler sized and a bunch more are even smaller, so “very small” seems a weird qualifier.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

[Have you ever known a human called Human?’ The pokémon shook its head. ‘Sorry, not your fault. A bit of a sore point. My name’s Twist.]

That’s a good detail.

[‘Throughout all of known history, there have been scattered reports and sightings of red pokémon. Obviously, we’re talking about pokémon that aren’t generally some kind of red. Like pidgey. Or oddish.’ The celebi seemed to be in deep thought. ‘I think I’ve even heard about a scarlet ekans at one point. They kind of come and go, but… there seems to be an influx right now.’

“Wait,” Jenny gave Twist a suspicious look, “you’re a time traveller. Why don’t you just go back and ask if you’re so curious?”

‘Tried that.’ The celebi shrugged. ‘In the past, people and pokémon saw them as bad omens and wiped them out. And the ones I could find, when they were done trying to kill me, had no idea where the colours came from.’]

It’s not just that shiny pokemon exist but also there’s the fact weird colored animals happen in our world without it actually being a big deal. People have even thought weird colored animals were a big deal in the past only for it to turn out they were totally wrong If this is supposed to definitely mean something and be a mystery in need of solving, there needs to be more for Twist to go on than “they’re rare” and “people, who are superstitious by nature and regularly make up all sorts of nonsense, have superstitions about them”. This could be something severely anomalous, like normally furry pokemon being feathered or scaled (you could still keep the red theme if stuff is switched around otherwise randomly and the one thing they do always have in common is the color) or else Twist needs more reason to believe just the red color means something, like that they’ve confirmed red pokemon and only red pokemon definitely do correlate with bad things happening and the issue is Twist’s never been able to work out the specifics of the connection that’s definitely there.

[The girl’s eyes widened in realisation. ‘Twist shifted from telepathy to speaking out loud.’]

Again, you really need to distinguish things better. Twist’s speech is still italicized and ‘ looks almost identical to “, which is why ‘ shouldn’t have been used for personal thoughts either.

If she’s suddenly able to understand pokemon and doesn’t even notice anything weird about it until she has a minute to think about it, then you can just write it like normal dialogue.

[“Oh. Well,” Jenny gulped, nervously trying to figure out to explain the situation without sounding insane. “I wanted to do a bit of travelling, and things are much safer with a pokémon. Besides that, I guess it would be for company?”

The nurse nodded her head. “So, you’ll looking for a pokémon that has the right temperament for travel and domestics?” Nurse Joy looked up in thought. “Probably best do match you with a young pokémon so that it can bond with you, should make things easier for you in the long run.”]

I assume this is happening because you want her to start off with a young pokemon but think about how shelters work when faced with this situation. Someone who comes in saying they have no experience with animals and have a specific purpose and requirements in mind for it is not handed a puppy on the basis that if raised properly by someone who knows what they’re doing it’d eventually grow up to be better at the task for them, assuming it also didn’t turn out to have any temperament or personality problems that’d get in the way. An experienced pokemon would be better at protecting her, require far less from her, and have a known temperament.

If it’s important she start with a young pokemon, work backward from that to have reasons that make sense. Maybe older pokemon are better but that means they’re also adopted out far quicker, or maybe older, stronger pokemon are simply too dangerous to give to a newbie.

…and now she’s getting a special colored cyndaquil that you even explicitly say has a cool special coloring.

It’s already a stretch to claim that [Some people prefer their pokémon to look ‘on brand’, you know? At least half of the pokémon in the adoption system look noticeably off from the expected. ] when pokemon players go nuts for pokemon that look noticeably different. If you want to make that even halfway convincing, you have to describe what about these pokemon could possibly be unappealing. [“You’re telling me people wouldn’t want this guy because of the black fur? It’s a fire type, with jet black fur!” Jenny looked back at the cyndaquil, who was staring at her with curiosity. “You look incredible. Super marketable.”] is absolutely not accomplishing that, and it’s not even making Jenny look good when her reaction is that she’s fine with this because the pokemon looks awesome and not that she’s fine with it because something as superficial as fur color shouldn’t be a dealbreaker.

[The cyndaquil hopped energetically. “You really think so? Thanks so much!”]

Ah. I was wondering about that.

The thing here is, if pokemon can talk it makes the way they’ve been treated look incredibly awful, and the fact you’ve just led in by talking about how people breed them like regular animals and then abandon the ones who aren’t trendy enough makes it way worse than usual.

I do like that, having been reminded of this, she’s considerate enough to ask for the cyndaquil’s name, and I appreciate a lot more that the cyndaquil actually has one as well as their own thoughts and goals if [ “Well… I want to go back to that dark cave, and while it’s a slim chance that you’re heading that way, there’s no chance if I stay here, so, why not?”] is anything to go by, but it doesn’t do anything to fix the elephant in the room of trainers owning intelligent people with their own hopes and dreams, let alone the additional creepiness of them breeding those people for looks.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173186/1/A-Friendly-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Script format is banned. Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

In general, it’s clear you’re not familiar with grammar rules or story formatting. I’d suggest first looking those up and then getting a beta reader to help you with anything further.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173528/1/The-Rise-of-Draconus-Prime

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[I hit the wall like a charging Rhyhorn. First I felt my bray slide for… I wanna say about ten feet or so. Then, my back, followed by my head hit the wall, hard. Concrete, tiles of various composition, and plastic flew all around as I impacted the wall.]

Okay, so he hit the wall, then you describe before he hit the wall, then you say how first one part of his body and then the other hit the wall.

You have this sort of problem with your description throughout this. You seem to lose track of what you’re talking about and go off on a tangent or backtrack. It’s really hard to follow what you’re saying as a result.

Also

[my bray slide]

[ you dumb-bray]

My best guess here is you copy and pasted this from some other site that had a zealous swear filter and that was supposed to be “ass”. Right now it’s just nonsense.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173584/1/Pokemon-Ebony-and-Ivory

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[In other words; he prefers to get payed to steal stuff.]

Not how semicolons work and “paid”.

Hm. On the one hand, I like that he cares about the more ordinary eevee and I’m glad he both rescued her and is keeping the two siblings together. On the other, you’ve warned repeatedly this is a pokephilia story and that usually applies to whatever pokemon the main character has, so there’s the ominous sense he’s only managing to hit reasonable human decency in the face of kidnapped and abused little kids because he’s going to end up having sex with one or both of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13173799/1/Troublesome

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13174557/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Legendaries-United

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13174898/1/Flowers-from-Gehenna

[Eyes flying open, he recalled something else. His best friend, Green. Come to think of it, where was the jade eyed adolescent and how was he, Red, alive? A wave of nausea washed over him, he did not want this miracle. Did Arceus spare him and send Green to join the ranks of the dead? Anger, red hot and fiery, erupted in his chest and he allowed the negative sensation to course through his veins. The roaring emotion promptly subdued when he peeked at the ocean. Once again, the sea demanded his attention, soothing him and returning his mind to a blank slate. He felt exhausted and the ruminations running rampant in his head, sickened him. Red did not want to be alive, the spark of life burning brightly in his chest curled up, shielding itself from anything fueling it. For a minute, he closed his eyes and visions sprung to existence; painful reminiscences of his carefree life. His skin itched awfully, the sand and microscopic pieces of long extinct pokemon shells, pressed into the surface of his body. Somehow, the pain enlivened him. He could feel pain, he savored fear and loneliness and the realization brought on a twisted sense of satisfaction which whisked into unfathomable despair. As far as he saw, not another soul remained in sight. Red was alone. But then again, he only stared in one direction and it showed him the endless sea. Soft murmurs, carried by a balmy breeze, whispered of warm nothingness. His eyes drifted shut and he listened intently. Red delved into a state where everything was black, blank and free.]

This is really overwrought and it’s getting in the way of what you’re trying to communicate. Remember that description should be relevant. If what Red is thinking about is if his friend is okay, it’s weird to describe his thinking as focusing on the fact Green was jade-eyed and an adolescent. Similarly, you should pick whatever your best description is, commit to it, then move on to the next thing, rather than saying the same thing in several different ways.

From what I can make out, there’s a lot actually going on here, with reincarnation into a pokemon and all, but it’s hard to be excited about what’s happening when the story is dragging its feet so much and burying events under mountains of sidenotes.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13174960/1/Adamantine

HM.

Well, it’s good to see Ash trying to talk things out – that whole section of the anime just got so frustrating when Charizard kept disobeying and Ash’s way of dealing with it was just hope for the best and complain when it worked out badly – but it doesn’t seem like it actually involves talking out a problem, in the end. Ash gets upset so Charizard feels bad and then Ash feels bad about Charizard feeling bad and they’re both sorry the other person’s upset, but it skips over why, exactly, Charizard decided not to obey in the first place. Ash is just left to address the hurt feelings he created yelling in the start of the fic, not whatever went wrong previously that caused the whole situation – which, given I don’t think it was ever a particularly complex problem Charizard was having, would probably just have needed a few extra lines to the conversation to address. This feels almost like it’s an AU where this whole blowup happens near the beginning and Charizard was just screwing around because he wasn’t taking things seriously, or possibly two OCs dealing with a similar problem. The conversation works in and of itself but doesn’t mesh well with fitting it in near the end of the first Charizard arc.

And having Ash able to understand Charizard seems like a cop-out. It makes it more obvious exactly what’s going on but the content of their conversation is pretty simple and could probably have been handled by angry huffs, nodding/shaking his head, and Ash asking the right leading questions. Making communication so simple makes it that much harder to believe things could’ve gone on anywhere near as long as this before having a conversation.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13174982/1/Blank-Slate-A-Black-Paint-Prequel

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“You’re not suggesting I take that under my wing, are you? I don’t mean to sound rude, but the idea seems a little farfetched. From what I’ve seen, Pokemon don’t have the aptitude or intelligence for that sort of thing.”]

This seems too bluntly stated. It’s sort of the difference between saying what people’s prejudices are and how people themselves say them, and it’s also a bit odd he’s talking about all pokemon when he’s getting offered a smeargle in particular. I’d think something more along the lines of disparaging whatever “drawing” smeargles do as categorically not-art, or perhaps that whatever they accomplish, even if it is pretty, is probably instinctive and there’s little point in trying to teach them formally. It’s also a very sharp jump between “pokemon can’t art” to his next point “I’m not sure pokemon can art even better than me and get their paintings displayed in a gallery so it won’t be able to succeed in life” – given pokemon generally don’t live independently supporting themselves with a job, it’s weird he’d be using that as a metric. Now, if his issue was he didn’t want to bother teaching anyone who couldn’t match or surpass him in art for art’s sake, then I could see him having an all-or-nothing viewpoint, but [It’s a harsh world out there. If my paintings don’t stand a chance, what hope does a Pokemon have at doing the same?”] sounds a lot closer to someone arguing against anyone following in their footsteps on the basis doing art is just a rough profession.

[It was a finished drawing of him, fully shaded and drawn with accurate proportions. Already, Sal had shown more immediate promise than most of the students he studied with back in art school. and they were humans. He wasn’t just dealing with any random Pokemon; he was dealing with a particularly talented Smeargle, one that mostly drew what he saw rather than what he thought he saw. Of course, there were still a few issues he picked up on, as some of the lines were too wavy, and the mark making was smudgy in general, but most of the basics were there. With enough time, those flaws would eventually iron themselves out.]

This is a two week old pokemon that has never held a pencil before, and you even discussed that he doesn’t even have the right hand setup to hold one easily.

People talk about drawing what you see, what’s really there, etc. And yes, that’s important, but what’s also important is learning how to make a bunch of 2D lines add up to what you saw really there when a new person looks at the picture. Also, given that this is a baby and he was only just handed a pencil, basic coordination is also going to be an issue because it doesn’t matter if you do know the lines you need if you don’t know how to move your hand to make them. You don’t just wake up knowing how perspective and crosshatching work. Look at the art children produce and the art we see in history.

“Talent”, at this stage, would be the smeargle getting the hang of making lines with a pencil within a few hours that aren’t too hard or soft, or perhaps the smeargle showing unusual finesse with his natural way of using his tail to draw that could, with help from Santiago, then be translated into things like pencil drawings. Not only does what’s happened here beggar belief, but I also can’t believe guy’s teaching is needed or even going to marginally speed things up if the smeargle’s first try at art is something like this.

Is there some reason why the time frame has to be so compressed? From the title and summary and rest of the story, it sounds like this is supposed to be about a guy teaching and molding his pokemon successor but this is skipping over the entire foundation of that and giving him an already trained art student for him to then pile a higher education on top. If the smeargle has to already be talented and know how to do the basics first, it’d make more sense for it to be an adult that his path crosses with somehow – maybe it gets in through an open window or something, like a raccoon going for the kitchen trash but it’s canvas and charcoal it’s after.

Also, as far as I can tell he’s never interacted with a smeargle before. I guess I can buy someone already really emotionally invested in their pokemon cooing that it’s definitely because they’re a special perfect baby, but for anyone at all grounded, the assumption would be that smeargle are amazingly good at art, not that smeargle definitely still suck but by coincidence the only one he’s ever handed art supplies was a master artist.

The place this ends up getting to, the dynamic where he’s got his nephew to teach but considers the guy all-around mediocre in comparison to his smeargle heir, is pretty interesting, but it’s undercut by the way it got there – particularly, I just can’t think much of a teacher if they’re given a student than can invent perspective, shading and proportions the first time he touches a pencil after two weeks of life.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13175221/1/Ash-s-Pokemon-Journey

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

If your story is supposed to be different than the anime, start where it’s different.

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