NaRe Day 6 (19)

A PMD fic that actually kept my attention!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13175406/1/Ranger-Chronicles

[“It’s better than the marshes,” I reminded him. He’d given me the cold shoulder the entire month we’d patrolled the swamps of Route 120, but it was secretly one of my favorite tours since I’d been able to enlist an absol to the team. He was still aloof, but thankfully docile. I cast his pokeball to release him in a wash of red light. He made brief eye contact, but swiftly surveyed the area.

“Hungry?” We only had a shaky understanding, but he seemed to grasp my meaning and bounced into the understory foliage in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t really feed him either, in fact, he’d started bringing me back pieces of meat since all I had was dehydrated meals. But as quickly as we’d befriended it was nothing compared to my relationship with my hariyama and pelipper. Those girls had insisted we group up. Mia had nerves of steel and was my right-hand gal, and Soara was spirited and beyond helpful.]

Your paragraphing could use some work, and fewer pronouns would help as well.

This starts with him talking to his camerupt, then switches topics to the fact he found an absol, then becomes about the absol currently, then you start a new paragraph while still talking about the absol currently, then that new paragraph becomes about other pokemon he has.

Rearranged, it’d be more like

[“It’s better than the marshes,” I reminded him. He’d given me the cold shoulder the entire month we’d patrolled the swamps of Route 120.

It was secretly one of my favorite tours since I’d been able to enlist an absol to the team. He was still aloof, but thankfully docile. I cast his pokeball to release him in a wash of red light. He made brief eye contact, but swiftly surveyed the area. “Hungry?” We only had a shaky understanding, but he seemed to grasp my meaning and bounced into the understory foliage in the blink of an eye. I couldn’t really feed him either, in fact, he’d started bringing me back pieces of meat since all I had was dehydrated meals.

But as quickly as we’d befriended it was nothing compared to my relationship with my hariyama and pelipper. Those girls had insisted we group up. Mia had nerves of steel and was my right-hand gal, and Soara was spirited and beyond helpful.]

There’s still some jumps here, but the thoughts are better organized and it’s clearer who he’s talking about at a given time.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[Hero was stripping bark off the base of the massive trees with a steaming tongue. The saliva he created in the long process of digestion was scalding hot and excess dripped onto the ground raising smoke. I knew better than to ask him to have a care, he detested the green foliage since he couldn’t eat it without negatively affecting the cauldron he maintained in his belly. Camerupt were pokémon of the steppes, where the endless grasses grew tall and dry under a blazing sun and ceaseless winds. It provided the dry kindling that kept his fire burning, anything green and filled with moisture would cauglated and gave him stomach aches.]

I’m of two minds about this. The detail and biology of it is good, as is the realism of pokemon built for one biome not being able to function smoothly in any biome a trainer feels like being in. On the other hand, the clearer you make it that this isn’t a good environment for a camerupt and that he can’t provide for his pokemon properly, the harder it is to believe he’s a good ranger with a strong bond to his pokemon – especially when this assignment apparently comes on the heels of keeping the poor camerupt in a swamp. There really should be a better reason for why the camerupt has to go through all this than just it being a regular assignment or else it comes across as incredibly inconsiderate of him to have agreed and the people in charge for picking something with his team in the first place.

[We made it to the Weather Institute before noon the next day so I could use the PC. My next assignment would take me east, farther than I’d ever traveled, even on my pokémon journey at ten years old. I was being charged with the safety of trainers on Mossdeep City and beyond, including the popular destination of the shoal cave and distant islands on Route 125. Hero was going to hate this, but unfortunately couldn’t be left behind as he had the fire element I would be counting on.]

This honestly sounds nightmarish, especially since you’ve repeatedly said that he doesn’t even carry food for his pokemon. So the poor camerupt is going to be running around a flooded cave eating, what, seaweed and driftwood? His needs get completely ignored because it’ll make his trainer’s life easier to have access to a fire type?

[For the absol I’d picked up some feeder muskrats; the marill’s oily fat would taste like a delicacy after the lean kecleon he’d been catching. ]

Also – my guess is you’re describing the marill as muskrats, but they’re really not so it reads very weirdly. If you’re trying to avoid saying “marill” twice, “some feeder pokemon” would work.

I feel like the dynamic he has with every pokemon other than the camerupt works. He even seems really respectful of them – the way he talks about the absol, [I hadn’t begun to train him, although I’d had him for months now. I’d been waiting, hoping he would tame down and like me, but I guess his aloofness and sporadic gifts of meat were as close as we could get due to his seemingly careful nature.] is more considerate than almost every trainer I see in fanfic, and he generally seems very observant and talking about them and what they need…and yet he’s keeping his poor camerupt in such awful environments. I think it’d make more sense to either have a different pokemon that isn’t quite so badly suited or else to start off at a different, more camerupt-friendly location and portray the new assignment as a temporary and unusual imposition rather than just one of many terrible places the poor pokemon’s been stuck. Maybe, if you really want to include the Weather Institute area, have that be somewhere they’re briefly traveling through to get to the plane rather than a long-term assignment.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13175481/1/Experiment

Fix the code.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13175695/1/Broken-Destiny

[Do I believe in God?

Well, do I?

Am I uniquely qualified to answer such a question – given my experiences? ]

The flow of this really derails at that last one. You’re starting off with a general question, then suddenly your question becomes one that assumes a bunch of facts are known to the reader.Either state that yes, they think they’re uniquely qualified due to their experiences, giving the reader a piece of information, or, if it’s important they not be sure, phrase it differently, like “Perhaps I’m uniquely qualified to answer such a question.”

I’d also say more generally, you need to think your character’s ramble through. There’s more to a chatty conversational style than just writing stuff as it comes to mind. This is wandering and contradictory as well as terribly vague and pretentious about it. You have a character going on a screed against god and the existence of life itself and I’m still left with little to no feel for who they are. What parts are important? What parts are unique to them, an unusual take or the result of their unusual experiences?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176024/1/More-than-I-bargained-for-REWRITTEN-ish

Capitalize people’s names.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Spellcheck.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176036/1/What-I-d-Do-Without-You

[Once he won the badge, before they continued on, Serena asked you if you wanted to come along. Y/N. ]

Please don’t do this. It’s not hard to write readerfic where you actually just avoid saying a name. Even if we accept the idea that giving a character a defined name is horribly immersion-breaking, it’s even more horribly immersion-breaking to say their name is INSERT YOUR NAME HERE PLZ.

Don’t open your story with an extensive summary of stuff that’s happened before the story gets going. Just start writing the story itself.

[Ash obtained 3 more badges, along with 2 more pokemon, a Goodra and a Noibat. ]

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

It’s okay, four letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176315/1/The-Confession

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176544/1/Three-Years

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

While I like that your first chapter has something big happening, there’s still a lot of setup that doesn’t really seem needed. You open talking about them sitting around at a house and even say [they quickly grew bored]. Then you move on to a conversation that’s just summarizing instead of anything interesting.

[The young girl started to deliver a monologue about how amazing this sky trainer was and how their technique was ahead of their time. X listened patiently to the girls rant, only stopping her when he needed elaboration on some technical terms. He listened closely and attentively to every word she said, because she was his friend, and a friend was always ready to listen about the passions of their friends.]

Yes, but this isn’t a friend, it’s a fictional story. There should be more reason to be listening to your paragraphs.

As far as I can tell, what’s actually important is that they get the news. You don’t need to spend a lot of paragraphs on them sitting around until the news happens to happen because the story can start at any point in time. Other details, like the fact the weather is awful, are either established fine in your description or the news report or else make more sense coming after you’ve established the setup and can then add local bad weather in as an additional factor – they want to go, then they say that it’s a shame they can’t take off right now because of the horrible weather, then that’d lead in fine to [During the next few hours, the two teenagers prepared their bags, and when the weather had finally cleared two days after, they left Vaniville Town.]

You also really, really do not need

[This journeys beginning was much more calmer than the beginning of their first one, when they were with Shauna, Tierno, and Trevor. But they still did not know that this journey would bring them into one of the most complicated situations the world would ever know. Where the appearance did not reflect the reality, and where trust is not so easy to find. A situation which would not only affect Kalos, but the entire world.

But this is only the beginning of this long and complicated journey. A journey filled with new mysteries and dangers, but also new allies and friends alike.]

I can understand that it seems great to tell people in advance that all sorts of cool stuff will happen, but if you’ve done things right people will already be thinking about what sort of cool things will happen and all stuff like this does is give the feeling that you’re giving away a bit of the twists to come. I’d rather find out as the story goes on if actually this explosion is just the tip of the iceberg or if there’s going to be subterfuge or betrayals and so forth.

I remember reading a rant years ago about how stories that start with “Character was bored” were terrible. There was pushback about how there were plenty of good stories where the character was motivated by boredom to do something fun and the counterargument that whether or not boredom itself could work, those stories were so obviously a matter of the writer being bored, writing “Character was bored” and then rambling for a bunch of paragraphs because they were bored and trying to write to fill time.

I think that’s not only a good observation but that it’s actually a much broader problem than just stories that open with boredom. Another person talked about how they’d noticed it was common for things to start off in a white void despite it being such a boring and uninspiring description…because what, exactly, is someone staring at when trying to figure out what to write? But the problem isn’t literally writing those words, and trying to get people to not write those out is either going to leave them frustratedly staring at a page not writing at all or rewording so it’s not precisely what was complained about but is functionally the same problem.

I’ve gotten a lot of perfectly good writing done because I was bored and decided to start scribbling but I find that the opening lines are better thought of as brainstorming than an actual part of the resulting scene. If I write that a character is bored bored bored a while while I try to get a feel for the situation and think of something interesting that could happen, everything between my opening “character was bored” and “then character took interesting action due to boredom” is removed, and a lot of the time even the first line can go because it’s already clear enough whatever’s happening was born out of boredom. The same goes for when I end up writing a whole bunch about how someone got there or what the lead-up to the situation was – yes, it’s actual information and not just going in circles about how I’m bored and trying to think of something, but it’s usually information I’m working out for myself rather than neatly inserting into the story, so I’ll have an opening explaining everything and then the rest of it turns out to bring up all those details naturally.

The delete key is so important and not just for removing stuff that’s an outright mistake.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176652/1/Friendship-Never-Ends

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“I’m not just going to leave and never come back. Even if I want to stay out there, I’ll come back and at least say that I’m going to stay out there.”] God, it’s nice to see someone just say that. It seems like every one of these normally just skips over the fact it’s possible to visit.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13176729/1/The-Beautiful-Letter-R-Resurrecting-Nightmare

[The weather in Saffron, a delicacy to visitors as moderate snow and ice cover the graying yellow streets.]

What?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177026/1/Allergic-Reactions-and-Sibling-Interaction

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177141/1/The-Misfits-Surprise-Pok%C3%A9adventure

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177464/1/Touched

[ A note that would change him immensely, tattooing him as touched, chosen.

It was clearly the work of a power beyond that of a tattoo artist. There was no scarring, no irritation of the surrounding skin, no need to treat the shoulder any differently, no infection, and most importantly, no hint as to how the mark came to be permanently attached to Ash.]

Then it’d make more sense to have the narration say “marking him as touched, chosen” rather than claiming he’s tattooed then clarifying he did not get tattooed and it wasn’t done by someone who does tattoos but it’s still definitely somehow a tattoo.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177891/1/Monstrous-Meets-Petite

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177900/1/POKEMON-BATTLES

Spellcheck.

There really needs to be more to battles than “Pokemon used move! Other pokemon dodged/got hit.” If your whole thing is writing battles between two random pokemon, they need to be far more detailed and interesting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13177981/1/Achromatopsia

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Huh. This is a lot more detailed than these usually are, and you strike a good balance between her knowing everything and resolving things too quickly or her knowing nothing and just sitting around being boring. And how she’s reacting to colors makes for an intriguing addition – I’ve seen a couple versions of a new body changing the senses, but it’s usually either a dramatic but largely practical “I can walk!” type change, or else it’s someone getting a sense all humans lack so it’s hard to really empathize with how it’d feel. Having her just really enjoying how everything looks is great.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13178517/1/Mudd-s-Journey-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Fanfic

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

You repeat yourself way too much in this. Pare it down to what’s important. Also, ease up on the ellipses.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13178563/1/Chapter-1-fall

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13178691/1/AureliaShipping

Things like periods are important when trolling. If people don’t bother to read your fic, how can it possibly bother them?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13178926/1/Room-for-Seconds

[But those chocolate hues are still doubtful. ]

Just say eyes. Please. “Hue” is not an acceptable synonym.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[But Joy doesn’t seem hurt at all. “I only brought it up because of your Pokémon. You’ve both seem to have raised them well—I can see it in their faces. Besides, the Black City Battle Competition specializes not in Single Battles, but Tag Battles.”

That alone perks my interest. “Wait, what?” Like the Hearthome City Tag Battle Competition back in Sinnoh?

“That’s right. But it doesn’t have to be random—you have the option to choose your partners.”]

Ah, that’s clever. The problem with so much romance fic is the pokemon aspect gets completely shoved aside. Having pokemon battling be involved in the date addresses that well.

This was an OC shipfic, which might be what’s different. If you’re only interested in the human characters as individuals, you don’t want other things intruding on that no matter what they are – just look at the irrelevance of actual coffee shop dynamics in the coffee shop AU. But if you’re into the fandom enough to make up your own OC trainer, the fact she’s a trainer is still going to be important to you.

3 Comments

    1. Farla says:

      Well I’m not dead so no! But I was really sick.

      1. Confused says:
        Yo, that sucks. Hope you feel better now.

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