Lot of Ash, an honest to god shiny eevee found in a dumpster fic, and we also end with a burst of people-and-pokemoning. But there’s also some good stuff. Also, a bonus obligative review sneaks in under the wire.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189026/1/Battle-Castle
[“Good morning Ash, your Pokemon are in the back, where they usually are, oh and Professor Oak has a list of offers around the world, who has a Pokemon that they would like to trade for one of your Tauros, some that you know. I would look at them before you start your training.” Tracy said.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Ash had already talked with them before this, as they were restless, and as I only battle with the lead Tauros, that said that it was alright to trade the rest. He decides to contact them one at a time, starting with the ones he knows. Luckily the good professor had made the computer a video phone and a transporter as well, as when the professor was gone, then Ash was the one who transferred the Pokemon to the sponsored trainers. Collecting all 29 of the Tauros, I go back to the computer.
ASH’S POV]
You’re jumping from third to first person here before your official POV change. Also, it’s a bad idea to change POV style like that. If you want to write in first person, just go back and edit the first few paragraphs so it’s all first person.
Write out numbers with letters.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189036/1/Chronicles-of-the-Chosen-One-Pokemon-Master
[I have gifted him with the innate abilities of Aura and Psychic energy. I have also gifted him with the potential to learn the languages of Pokemon. His destiny will be to bring together Pokemon and Humans alike, as a bridge. How this path unfolds before him, has already been set.
I watch as he studies hard and attempts to make friends even at a young age. From the various summer camps to the private school of his hometown’s Pokemon Professor.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Also, a long prophesy listing that Ash got every superpower and will succeed at everything and get all the accolades for having every superpower and succeeding at everything is not a good idea because it pretty much kills any suspense, and it’s a particularly terrible idea for that to be your entire chapter.
[I probably won’t get regular Sun and Moon as I hear that Ultra Sun/Moon are just like the Emerald version to Ruby and Sapphire)]
No, it’s not additions to the plot like Emerald. USUM actually got a different, worse storyline, in return for more stuff including exclusive pokemon.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189078/1/Pokemon-Doing-It-Right-This-Time
[“Ash, we have to retreat! This battle is impossible!” A figure shouted.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ A Meowth]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189161/1/Ascending-from-Ashes
[‘And Ketchums Pikachu is on its last reserves of strength!’ The TV blared through the speakers.]
The sentence should be written [“And Ketchum’s pikachu is on its last reserves of strength!” the TV blared through the speakers.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Use apostrophes for possessives.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189289/1/Inferiority
[Touya… how did you get so far ahead of me? Had been a thought plaguing Cheren since upon his last battle against his rival, all though he doubted he could consider himself Touya’s rival anymore his friend had utterly trounced him without much difficulty and this wasn’t the first time. Touya had won their first battle as well and every single battle following it he had come close once or twice but his friend was always that bit better.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, it’s “although” and you need to break up your sentences more. These are run-on. It should be more like:
[Touya… how did you get so far ahead of me? had been a thought plaguing Cheren since upon his last battle against his rival, although he doubted he could consider himself Touya’s rival anymore. His friend had utterly trounced him without much difficulty and this wasn’t the first time. Touya had won their first battle as well and every single battle following it. He had come close once or twice but his friend was always that bit better.]
[different styles of Pokemon battling]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Don’t you get tired of putting yourself down?” Cheren thought out loud he didn’t even realised he’d said it until he noticed the change in his friend’s demeanor.
“What do you mean?” There was a slight uncertainty to her tone as if she was afraid of an argument starting.
“I mean you always say you can’t do things and give up easily but maybe you could if you tried.” Cheren explained trying to sound encouraging but he didn’t notice what he said might come off as rude.
“I try! I always try my best!” Bianca snapped catching Cheren off guard. How dare he say she doesn’t try? “BUT I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDN’T SEE IT BECAUSE ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS GETTING STRONGER!”
“THAT’S BETTER THAN NOT PROGRESSING AT ALL! YOU STILL MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES YOU MADE WHEN WE LEFT NUVEMA TOWN!” Cheren snapped back without even thinking if he was in a more clear state of mind he would have just apologized.]
So while obviously the player character trounces the rival NPCs, the thing is Bianca’s team also passes Cheren’s in strength by the third battle. I think this kind of an exchange would make more sense early on, especially because it also makes sense that Cheren would already be resentful after a solid losing streak against his rival and not wait until the rival is also the champion of the region personally chosen by their sacred pokemon, and it also makes sense that Cheren wouldn’t be paying proper attention to how Bianca’s actually doing at being a trainer because he never saw her as worthy of being his rival.
The lack of attention also makes the resolution and apology ring somewhat hollow. Yes, he was only saying those things because he was upset about something else…but he still never really considered Bianca. The ending is just that he’s let go of his issues with Touya and feels bad he briefly used her as a punching bag for those issues. There’s no sign he’s actually changed how he thinks about her, just that it’s wrong to yell at her for those things.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189306/1/Collided-Worlds
[the cool Autumn day]
[a Eevee]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Luna then looks around and realizes that she is lost,”FUCK! I knew that I shouldn’t have followed that stupid bunny.” Luna thinks to herself as she starts looking around for her to get back.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Let me tell you something before we go, do you know the real reason why your trainer keeps you and just doesn’t throw you away?’ the Espeon asks as he starts to walk.
“Um because he loves me and to help him release stress,” Luna says as they get to an area which Luna knows.]
[“Oh my name is Slave but where is your trainer at?” Slave says as he looks around.]
You should really be clearer about what sort of story this is in your summary.
[were indifferent from ones we know and love,]
Different, not indifferent.
[“There you go, dear…” Said a Raichu as she had just done putting a bow on her daughter’s left ear.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
So, here’s the thing. You introduce this by saying this is super different than canon. You have them living lives much like if they were humans, driving cars and wearing seatbelts. You have some sort of race/species bigotry drama going on. If you’re this far from canon, you can’t rely on people to come into this already invested in the characters and world the way fanfic usually can, because that’s all new stuff rather than things readers know and already care about. You have to better establish the world instead of a few handwaves about an advanced interstellar society, you have to show what pokemon elements are here beyond just saying one of the people wearing seatbelts and driving a car with a steering wheel is, supposedly, a jolteon, and you also need to do much better at explaining what the mysterious eevee supremist group is – not explain everything, but give actual context, like if there have been previous supremist groups or if this is a new thing, how long it’s existed, if there’s existing prejudices and what they are, etc.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189410/1/Pokemon-Post-war-highschool
Capitalize your title properly.
Script format is banned. Write out your dialogue properly.
[I’m a human in a Pokémon country.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[-Umbreon: thank you very much for coming here ahead of time, I have important news about the new teacher who will accompany us this school year. I would have liked to have shared it before but for security reasons the secret had to be kept.]
This is a really bad idea. I understand you want to do a scene showing how much of an uphill battle he’ll have, but you don’t have to have this scene happening five minutes before he shows up. You could show have them having this discussion months ago and it’d convey the same information without being so contrived and making the school look like it’s being run by someone incompetent.
[-Reon: Three years have passed since the conflict, it’s time to leave the stigmas behind…
Reon’s words were interrupted by a loud thud from the Machoke’s arm hitting the table.
-Machoke: We can’t allow a human in our town!
The machoke realizes that he was yelling and takes a short pause to regain his composure and lower his voice.
-Machoke: …Even less at school, they have treated us like monsters for hundreds of years, and at the moment we try to level the field a war falls with by their hand, you do not know what they are capable of, Galle and I fought in the war and we saw it first hand, they are….]
Factual events aren’t a stigma that should be leave behind. If the pokemon have a legitimate grievence about how they were treated in the war, pretending it never happened isn’t the solution. Morevover, if there was a conflict like this that recently, then the teachers’ feelings are only one issue. The kids are also going to have those feelings, and telling them to suck it up and deal with the fact someone who killed people like them is now their teacher is not helpful. Given that the first bit of information you give about this war was that the humans didn’t view them as anything like equals, it seems extremely unlikely that this was a particularly restrained or lawful sort of war and extremely likely it was the kind where soldiers blow up kids and call them enemy combatants, especially when you’re also doing this in a canon that has sending newborns into battle as an established and normal mechanic.
You desperately need to establish the parameters on this war if you want a plot that involves it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189718/1/Pokemon-Macabre
[ someone’s Pokemon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Oh, hello there Alice! I didn’t expect to see yooooUUUUUUU HAVE A SHINY?!” It was like a switch was flipped as soon as she saw her little friend on her shoulder, quickly scooping them up as she looked over her. Alice, on the other hand, had quite the confused look on her face.
“A… shiny? Is that a bad thing or something?”
“A bad thing- no no no, this is the BEST thing! Come on, follow me please.” Maple lead Alice over to her desk, where she pulled up a picture of a Pokemon that looked like her little buddy-apparently called Eevee, apparently-though it looked different from them. While they were cream colored on white the one in the picture was a brown color, almost like vanilla and chocolate. “What you’ve found is a shiny Pokemon, which is an incredibly rare sight indeed-it was a wonder you were able to even see it, let alone catch it. Where did you even find them?”
“Well, uhh, I found them in a dumpster.” She remembered back to yesterday and their chance meeting. “It was a wonder that I was able to actually find them. They were soaking wet so I just kinda decided to bring them with me. Swollen paw too, poor thing.” They let out some happy trills as they explored around on the desk a bit. “I’m surprised I didn’t see any missing signs for them. You’d think someone would be looking for such a rare Pokemon…”
“Well, it’s entirely probable that it’s nobody’s. They would’ve found their way to their original owner by now]
No, it’s really not. This is an incredibly rare variant of an already rare pokemon. You’re admitting that even seeing a shiny of any kind is more than most people will manage, and the one time she sees an injured pokemon it’s an ultra-popular rare pokemon shiny?
[“Heck, with a bond like that I’d say you two would make for some good adventurers… which gives me an idea..!” Maple hummed to herself as she looked around her desk, digging through various drawers. “Why don’t you two try going on an adventure to try taking on the champion? You’ve always talked about how that’s been your big dream since you were a kid, y’know.”]
And it gets really incoherent here. Alice doesn’t recognize an eevee or know what a shiny is, and you also say outright she doesn’t know anything about pokemon whether it’s how to use a potion or what they eat or how pokeballs work. At the same time, supposedly she wants to be a trainer, but just didn’t go despite you giving no real reasons standing in her way. Then she makes the decision beause of [Maple pointed out one sentence which got the two’s mind racing; “Holders of this card who are registered to take on the Pokemon League will have lunch and dinner paid for them, no matter how expensive, alongside any essential care tools for their Pokemon.” ] which comes out of nowhere and is about as forced as the awesome shiny eevee in a dumpster luck. And there’s no reason Maple couldn’t have brought this up before if it’s so important to Alice, but it can only happen now because the story wanted her to get this one particular special pokemon.
Alice herself strikes me as a good character – she’s starting off with opinions about her situation, she herself was just helping an unknown hurt pokemon out of the goodness of her heart, etc. But it certainly doesn’t feel like the story as a whole cares about any pokemon when it’s twisting itself into knots to make sure the pokemon Alice finds just happens to be something so sueish.
If your character is the nice sort of person who’ll rescue a pokemon from a dumpster, then they’re going to end up getting the kind of pokemon who actually are in dumpsters, not the rarest and most prized creature possible. It’s plausible enough she might find a pokemon who’s unusual to her area, if it’s been abandoned and is now struggling as a result, and you could explain that eevee count as that where she is, but it’s stil going to be bad on the broader level because eevee are overdone and crazy popular, and you’re never going to be able to justify her just happening to find a shiny pokemon like that.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14189780/1/N-a-m-e-l-e-s-s
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
The individual sections of this are each quite strong, but the thread of the whole thing doesn’t come together for me.
If it’s meant for the good side to be represented by her trainer – well, the trainer is friendly, and the team as a whole is kind enough, but their friendship begins on a transaction. The trainer will gain fame and glory and gym badges and money, and she’ll become more powerful and have medical care to assist that. Also, they can barely communicate with each other.
[“I—I’m not sure if you just got carried away because of your evolution, but…please. Don’t do that again, okay? Please stop when I tell you to. For your own sake and your opponent’s sake.” She lets out a breath. “Fortunately, you didn’t cause any serious injuries, and Morty was…understanding. Gengar was, too. But he was just as concerned as I am, and I don’t blame him.”
Her gaze is pleading, but also firm. “I know you love to win. Probably more than any of us, honestly. But you need to know your limits, too. You need to learn when enough is enough. Promise me you’ll work on it. Okay?”
She does not fully understand. Why did any of this matter if they won? Was that not what was most important? But she nods—or rather, rocks her whole body—and Mei smiles once again.]
Mei not only doesn’t get why it happened, but she seems to be trying for a self-serving answer here, that her very useful pokemon who just won her a badge just happened to get carried away for some reason that maybe won’t happen again, so she’ll just hope it doesn’t and keep using her pokemon in battle. She doesn’t try to figure out the problem, just says not to do it again.
Meanwhile, Korrva doesn’t understand what the problem was, and only agrees because she’s friends with Mei. (But more confusingly, after she’s taken to be turned into a shadow pokemon, she does have a problem with it, or possibly she always had a problem with fighting to the death against a weak opponent and it’s just the fic never gets into her baseline moral code, but, well, if she’s got one that’s kind of relevant to her transformation, isn’t it? Her emotional responses in each scene are generally pretty good, they just don’t seem to mesh well with the other scenes. Coming to hate those you kill for the pain of having to kill them is quite powerful, but it’s very weird for a character who was previously having people make concerned noises about how she doesn’t care about hurting others and just cares about winning.)
The other thing Mei gives her is a name, and that’s also pretty weird, especially with how the rest of her presumably more social pokemon also seem to be phrasing it like only humans give names and only pokemon owned by humans get to be seen as individuals standing out from the rest. That she does this is quite important narratively, but it also means the thing being first clung to and then slowly lost is something someone else gave her, like all morality and goodness flows from Mei. And that’s kind of the darker thread here, the sense that everything else is just differing levels of bad/immoral and the only way to be a good pokemon is to have a good trainer.
And really, the fact Mei can’t understand her and the other pokemon can makes the idea Mei’s even her closest friend in the group quite strange. The other pokemon connect better with her, and they’re able to have actual conversations (and they’d be able to actually talk to her about what happened in that battle, and be a much more meaningful counterpoint when it comes to treating other pokemon better in battle and viewing them as more than just rivals to be beaten at any cost) but the flow of the story puts Mei as the most important one.
I think the name thing could make work if the larvitar line usually has relationship over unique names. They’re social enough her mother cared for her as a child, and they hold known territory, so her having the name of Daughter of Tyranitar of X would mean she has a concept of names and even better explain why she’s particularly attached to the concept if it’s connected to both her territorial nature and her need to be the best, and it’d also make the numerical digits she is at the end a twisted echo of it, but still make a unique-sounding name an idea that hadn’t occurred to her. Even then, I still think it’s pretty weak that the thing that defines her, and that shows her decline as she loses it, is the first thing that popped into a stranger’s head to call her – having her name herself when the idea was introduced would likely be better in terms of her being an individual.
It also feels both kind of victim-blamey to say that she was picked for being turned into a shadow pokemon because she already had these tendencies while at the same time showing a level of torture that seems like it’d have driven her insane no matter how she started, and strange lorewise because it seems the point of shadow pokemon is making any pokemon brutal so starting off with one who’s already willing to kill seems pointless, especially with fact making just one appears to involve sacrificing countless others, including ones that were also pretty far in the process and so must’ve also required tons of kills, and so on.
[And when the woman sends out a Bayleef, she does not hesitate to crush it.]
Also, to continue that yeah, it does overall just feel like this is weirdly overly human oriented and especially for a fic that’s about pokemon getting tortured and killed. She starts calling other pokemon “it” midway through her transformation, and she’s still caring about and noticing the gender of humans to the last. Why wouldn’t she lose the ability to notice/care what gender humans are first?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190132/1/Go
Mm, I feel like this is almost a reprisal of the butterfree fic, where the resolution only works because the pokemon’s fine with whatever, only tonally much weirder because it’s not just one butterfree is fine with just this specific situation which also involved a lot more nuance and consideration and existing relationship, it’s all real pokemon are totally jazzed about being treated with exactly the same lack of consideration as if they were pixel blobs, and then weirder still because you also want to get into what it’d be like to have a pokemon friend beyond the limits of the game, so it’s at once a highly intelligent critter with strong opinions, and also has absolutely no opinions on any elements of the game.
This happening partway into the game’s life makes sense as a choice for nostalgia, but I think as a whole it might’ve worked better for it to be that Pokemon Go’s rollout had this error in it at the start. It works a little better for pokemon to say they’re fine with playing their end of it if people know from the start they’re real and ask that, rather than finding out that what everyone’s already doing is retroactively something they consent to.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190272/1/Pokemon-Spectral-Legacy
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Sending out kids who were only ten years of age into the wilderness sounded like a disaster waiting to happen]
Oh no, not something interesting happening in a fic! Yes, we sure wouldn’t want to risk that!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190374/1/The-Heart-s-Blaze
[Kalos the region of dreams and lovers but it was also a place of opportunity. “Dom! I need some help over here!” Nurse Joy yelled.”Coming!” A young man came dashing through doors ready to help. “Happy Birthday!” everyone in the center screamed. “Ahh come on guys you didn’t have to.”]
This should not be a single paragraph. I’d strongly suggest reading up on basic grammar rules.
[” Yea you’re probably the strongest Delphox” A Caterpie continued.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190404/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Renegade-of-Hope
[A chubby yet slim body]
What? Think about what you’re actually saying here.
[With a long body and longer still tail, it floated around its father.]
It’s also a pretty weird choice to say that definitely the shapeless void-egg arm creature that makes all life including a body of their own is male.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190420/1/World-s-lost-but-Not-Forgotten
[Both Ash and Pikachu were very happy with their victory, after steamrolling everyone until the final where he was against Paul but after a hard fought battle and very powerful blaze later they won. After winning they got notice that he had 6 months to train before taking on the elite they were heading home to train for the elite four and relax.]
These sentences are a mess.
[“Twerp w-we are here to deliver this Message to you from the boss” James said while glancing around nervously]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, all sentences need to end in some form of punctuation.
[*insert picture of Ash’s mom inside dead]
You are writing this story, not directions for someone else to do it. “Inside the letter was a picture of Ash’s mother dead.” It’s really easy.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190463/1/Pokemon-Smash-or-Pass
Not a fic.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190641/1/Pokemon-Shades-of-Azure
[Once at that shame casino]
I’m guessing you mean “sham”? But it’s not a sham. It’s an actual casino that he built his hideout under, and is so functional it stays running for years after he’s gone.
[‘AND ANOTHER THING, what’s up with random ass trainers just challenging me out of the blue? I get it in a gym, that’s the name of the game. You gotta be the very best like no one ever was and all that jazz. But when some dumb kid on the road looks at me and says ‘you there, send out your animals to fights my animals’ it just seems mean.]
Meanwhile, this is just dumb. This is really obviously just you having started a rant about one element of the game you had issues with, and transitioning to a related one like you’re talking to your friend, rather than actually writing a story, funny or otherwise.
[Which brings me back to YOU. You want to capture Pokemon from all over the world to do what? Sell them? Who is going to buy things they can go out and catch themselves for free? ]
And this feels like you weren’t even paying attention during those games, given there’s some pretty obvious patterns to what pokemon are getting sold at the game corner and why.
[Experiment on them? Not cool, dude. Unless you’re trying to cure cancer or reverse the effects of aging, animal testing isn’t a viable monetary option. ]
Yes, it is.
Look, genre-savvy protagonist accidentally tells the villain how to fix all his plans is a clever enough idea, but it relies on that protagonist not just vomiting bullshit complaints about elements of a game he apparently wasn’t even paying much attention to and actually saying something useful.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190808/1/Good-Hunting
[ the brutish Marowack.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Also, it’s spelled marowak.
[“None at all?” He replied, hoping his voice sounded professional, “I have more experience in the air than half your balloonists put together. Just you wait until you end up in a real tempest, then you’ll miss having me on board.”
Scrimshaw was the kind of Pokemon who never admitted to disliking anybody, not even to himself. He gave a strained kind of smile.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
This is also pretty hard to follow – we really know nothing about the context here. He’s trying to get passage on what sounds like a boat full of his fellow believers. Is he too intense even for them? Are they a different sect that isn’t okay with his sect but he’s fine with theirs? Is the fact he was called “brutish” a sign that he’s disliked on virtue of his species in a different set of prejudices? Is the fact he’s saying he’s better than the others offensive, something it’s pretty impossible to tell when we have no idea what his or anyone else’s skills are? Well later you say he comes off as very judgemental, but that’s not really evident here where he’s gushing to himself about how much he wants to be with a great crew of believers like this one, and even after getting rejected he’s still thinking about how great they all are and how he wished he could spend time with such wonderful faithful people, which just sort of leaves that when you say [In truth, very few people spoke to Corrin. Whenever anyone tried it always seemed as if, somehow, they were falling short. As if they failed to meet some inane standard Corrin had set for them as soon as their eyes had met. ] you mean literally people are just assuming from his eyes that he’s judging them regardless of if he is or isn’t, which comes back to is there a prejudice against marowak in particular, and also mean there’s even less actual information about him and his beliefs here because it’s all other people projecting on him having a judgy resting face.
I really do like what you’ve got of a cult of human-worshippers, but I think you really could’ve stood to go into a lot more detail about how the world works because right now, there’s really not enough context to understand the character’s interactions. I think the pacing is fine as far as doling out the information on exactly what the belief systems is, but there needs to be more information on what things mean to the characters.
[This was the unfortunate reality many Pokemon found themselves in. Pokemon came in all manner of forms. Some, like Scrimshaw, were indistinguishable from beasts, while others took on a more humanoid form. Others were stranger still. Not quite animals, but not quite humans either. They were only really united by their ability to think and the old ties they once had to humanity long ago.]
Also, so animals do exist? How does that work, and how do pokemon themselves draw those lines? The way he’s talking makes it sound like they’re not using the whole elemental system that’s the solid difference between our animals and pokemon as a factor, unless part of being in the cult is devaluing that aspect so hard they personally don’t think about it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190817/1/Reassurance-PMD-EOS
[Luc (A Riolu) prodded up to one sleeping Croconaw (Samson).]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Also, you could’ve just written this as a normal sentence without the parathensis, as [Luc, a riolu, prodded up to one sleeping croconaw, Samson.] and I think you mean “padded up” not “prodded up”.
The way this is laid out makes it hard to follow who’s speaking. You shouldn’t keep the dialogue completely separate from the narration. If a character nods or shrugs or blinks or thinks, and then the dialogue that follows is their dialogue, those lines belong in the same paragraph.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190898/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Quartz-and-Gravel
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Have a good rest?” She asked as he started digging into his meal.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[(A/N This work is both a parody of Pokémon, and explanations for some of the weirdness in the Pokémon video games. This takes place in its own region, with a legendary Pokémon I made up.)]
Yes, well this chapter isn’t that. It’s him waking up, talking to his mom over breakfast about the details of waking up and his alarm clock, and going to math class, then ignoring math class, then having an even more mundane interaction with his teacher about that, and then the moment he hears that something out of ordinary might’ve happened, with no details about what it even is, the chapter ends. Start your story when it actually starts, not half a day earlier.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190950/1/Eevee-s-Story-Year-8-FINALE
[I turned to look at him while he laid there fast asleep and smiled at how lucky I got to end up with him.
“Get some sleep Silver and do great in class tommorrow. I love you.”
I whispered to him before I snuggled in his arms and used my ribbons to shut off the light switch as I fell asleep myself]
This should all be a single paragraph. You should not be separating out your dialogue like this.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190981/1/The-Mystery-Of-Konga-Island
[a whole load of Tentacool!” ]
[My Mom ]
[The Professor]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Then… a few days later, my sisters and I got a call. The boat that Mom was on had got caught in some freak storm, and… and it vanished. Everyone believed it had sunk… with all hands on board.”]
“Everyone believed” is a weird way of phrasing it if Misty thinks that’s really what happened, and she clearly does still believe her mother is dead at this point, so she would just say it sunk. If you want to try to signal more to the reader that it’s just what people thought happened, something like, “They told us the boat that Mom was on had got caught in some freak storm and sunk without a trace, with all hands on board.” would include that there was no actual wreckage or other evidence and that it’s just what they were told, while not pushing the idea it’s just a belief so hard.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191400/1/The-threat-between-our-walls
Capitalize your title properly.
[a Riolu]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Good morning, Austin” She said, getting an annoyed grunt in response “Had trouble waking up, I see?” Another grunt.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[ Just a normal school filled with kids that were being taught about the upper one and about how the king saved us from a destined death. I knew some people who claimed that thing that were said in schools were fake but, personally, I believed it.]
Who exactly is claiming this, let alone in the hearing of the adoptive child of one of the king’s personal enforcers?
[The roof of the school was almost covered in balls that were lost by children playing a bit too rough, covering the green paint that was originally on it. Once a month, a teacher would go up and throw the balls down but now it happened so much that they just gave up on it.]
How do the kids have access to infinite replacement balls in a walled village? The teacher wouldn’t just be going up there because it’s annoying to have balls up there, but because the kids are running out of toys.
[ I began walking towards the building that loomed over me like the walls surrounding the city.]
A “village” and a “city” are very different in size. Also, a city needs a great deal of supplies coming in to support the people in it, and it also needs people themselves because cities can’t sustain their numbers without immigration – people just don’t have enough kids to replace themselves and offset the higher child mortality of a city. If this is a place no one can enter or leave and that’s self-sufficient to the point of claiming nothing exists beyond their walls, it can’t be that large or that built up.
[His entire body was covered in a snow-like coat of fur that was cautiously cared for.]
“Cautiously” doesn’t work here. You might have meant something like “meticulously” .
[“Where are you going, dead parents’ boy?” A voice cried, stopping my movement right in my track. I rolled my eyes and turned to a Steenee surrounded by a Houndour and an Axew. They laughed at her joke, praising her for being ‘funny’ and ‘amazing’. “Oh! And you’re with the weird Vulpix too, as usual. What was his name again? Ninian?”]
You’re writing about a community that has public executions if someone says they saw someone else do something without needing any actual evidence, and he’s the son of one of the people who does that. Either his mom shouldn’t be [ a royal guard] who [often punished people for their misbehavior on behalf of the king.], or you need to explain how this steenee fits into the pecking order in such a way that her social status outranks him enough he’s a safe target, or you need to walk back the adoptive mom part to her taking him in but not doing the motherly smile and head pats but him being on thin ice due to his original parents.
[Our teacher, who looked mortified, turned to us and mumbled “class dismissed” with a blank look. I turned back, walking aimlessly towards the crowd of people that were trying to deal with what they just saw. To be honest, it wasn’t very different from the last time. And the other last time. And the other. And the other.]
Then why is the teacher mortified to have called the kids out to see exactly what the teacher knew they’d see? Why does the crowd seem shellshocked and unused to coping with this? We have a pretty good idea what regular public executions do to people and how they react because that’s a real thing.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14190989/1/The-Last-Strike
[“You are saying we should throw everything away for nothing,” I interject. “You think our opponents will risk throwing? You think they will put everything aside for a moment of meaningless protest, for a dream? You’re naive, Lachen. You overestimate the self-sacrifice of others.”]
So I really like everything about this, but I think I most like how she’s arguing by avoiding a central piece. From the start of the fic, he’s demanding if she’d go through with it in the face of the other pokemon refusing to fight, and she’s saying since that won’t happen they shouldn’t do the strike, and it’s particularly satisfying after reading so many similar debates where it’s the writers trying to frustratingly cheat their way into winning the argument rather than a character.
And Galar’s sponsorship system, unexplained as it was, sure was a boon. It works so well for adding complexity, where Lachen’s [We’re the lucky ones—we can take a stand for the ones without a voice.”] isn’t speaking of them standing in a secure place of privilege but just right now having this option, and the question of if isn’t that alone enough to mean you should stand for those worse off. And for all humans are better off, she’s still suffered to get there and stil risks losing so much again too. If she didn’t have much to lose, then it’d make no sense to be struggling over the question of loyalty to someone like that, and the self-loathing of [Our opponent tomorrow is sponsorship junk too.] but also the excuse of it, one just like Zaz is doing in deflecting the question of if she’d fight if their opponent didn’t.
I’m curious about the pamphlets – did pokemon make those, or did it originate with humans who disseminated it to pokemon?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191469/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mistery-Dungeon-From-trainer-to-trainee
Your title is misspelled. Also, capitalize it properly.
[a Riolu?]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ The look of confusion on my face must have been obvious as the Riolu in front of me took notice and said:
“Are you ok? You seem to be a bit confused” he said
“Yeah I’m just…” That’s when it slapped me in my face.
“WAIT A MINUTE! YOU ARE TALKING!”
Now he had the confused look on his face.
“What are you talking about?”]
It’s okay, four letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, the paragraphing here is a mess. You should keep a speaker’s dialogue in the same paragraph as their actions.
[“My name is Trace. Last time I checked I was 14. I am a Pokémon trainer with the ambition of someday becoming this region’s champion. And that’s all I can remember”
The Riolu looked a bit astonished to hear what I just said.
“So you are Trace…a ‘Pokémon trainer’? Wait, you are one of those humans that walk along tall grass with some weird balls in their hands?” he said. He didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that I was a Pokémon trainer. I nodded. “Woah. I always wanted to meet one, but when I find one, they either try to knock me out or throw some weird white and red balls towards me…” I stiffled a laugh, which the Riolu seemed to notice. “What’s so funny?” “Nothing buddy. Just…keep dodging those balls.” “You are the trainer, so I guess I’ll have to listen to your advice…”]
And now you’re smushing everyone’s dialogue into one big paragraph, which you shouldn’t do either.
Also, if you’re going to have a trainer find out that pokemon talk, he should really actually think about what that means a trainer actually is doing and what his dream involves, rather than just going that while he’s a pokemon living with other pokemon, dodging pokeballs is the right idea for the both of them.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191563/1/MissingIoNo
[ a Pokemon]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[“Just the Gym Leader I was looking for.” Geeta said with the smile.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191565/1/How-to-Say-Goodbye
I really don’t think a pokemonized version of losing your actual pet works, because the pokemon side of thing opposes and trivializes the actual reality of having a pet bird at every turn. I think this would’ve been much better as just a description of having and losing the real creature.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191676/1/Brad-Chad-College-Bros-The-Fuzz
This really seems to just be regular porn that had the word nidoking edited in a few places.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191734/1/Who-s-that-poki-girl
[We as humans are meant to be partners with these wondrous creatures, keeping them as pets]
Not really what the word partner means.
[“Hmm, that is a good point.” Jenny finally muttered]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Honestly, “cop does shitty job, doesn’t even get a slap on the wrist each time” was not a super endearing character even before bodycams put just so much police brutality into the news.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191788/1/Aftermath
[“We all have feelings for you and want to see who you’ll pick.” Iono bluntly stated, causing both Nemona’s and Penny’s faces to turn red as they glared at her. “What? The Meowth’s out the bag anyway thanks to Nemona here.”]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191859/1/Best-Served-Cold
[ most embarrassing thing I’d ever seen in a Pokémon battle,” Tracey Sketchit laughed. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191906/1/Pokemon-alternate-unova-league
Capitalize your title properly.
[“So Ash is in the first match of the tournament ” Max said with a Treeko in his hands who was his starter pokemon.
” and from what Ash said back at the Vacation House of Cynthia that Trip guy is worst then Paul. And Ash wants his Revenge for the Junior cup finals were he lost to that guy” Dawn said.
” I also saw Brendan and Tyson on the bracket” May said.
“I Also saw Tobias, Harrison and Paul” Brock said.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191934/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Heroes-Destiny-s-Riddle-The-Miracle-Works
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[She and I had the ability to understand what Laurelia said, along with any other Pokémon. The reason for that was very simple: neither she nor I were human ourselves, even if we appeared to be humans. In reality, she was Aurea, a Latias, and I was Beryl, a Latios. At our insistence and with the blessing of our parents, we had begun a Pokémon journey across the Johto region. ]
Which means in reality, it’s super fucked up that understanding other pokemon, and being the same as other pokemon, does not have any bearing on their decision to be trainers and own other pokemon. And although they have to be in disguise to travel with humans due to what humans would do to them if they knew the truth, they’re happy to travel with other trainers and call them friends, and also fine with how those other humans also view pokemon as their property.
[In Professor Elm’s lab two days prior, they chose us, carrying on a Terrene tradition where the Poké Ball did not exist.]
Did they, in fact, chose? Because it’s pretty coincidental the two pokemon who Elm raised to be starters just happen to totally freely both choose to go with the two people who show up to get them.
[ People and Pokémon ]
Well, obviously they don’t view other pokemon as people, but which ones do they think they are when they say that phrase? Do they think they’re the special ones who get to count as people with the humans, or do they go in the same box as the rest of the pokemon? The former would explain their casual attitude toward owning other pokemon, but the latter would explain why they’re so willing to let humans do what they want around them.
[Nitiax and Rivanel regarded us with similar awe, but Todd did something so painfully predictable, I had to resist the urge to groan. With his camera aimed at us, he snapped three photos of us in rapid succession. ]
A mild annoyance, having their protection stripped away and their existence immediately documented for everyone to find out and hunt them over.
You really, really didn’t think about what any of this meant, did you? They’re just humans with extra-cool powers, and in disguise because, well, no need for that to have a reason, it’s just a thing they do.
Ugh.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14191937/1/Landing
[“Right, Jess? Meowth?” He said again.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
This is a neat look into what happens after blasting off, with a good balance of understandable fear and lightheartedness, and showing how well they work as a team not just in that they can plan and follow through, but that they care about the same things in racing to be the first, and cope in the same ways in how when James is on his own he’s telling himself the other two got there before him, and then when he does meet up with Meowth it’s Meowth who starts making up a story about why Jessie’s late in the same way.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14192148/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Scarlet-An-Unexpected-Treasure
[Her face lit up further, “Arven!” She greeted him happily.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Nemona’s face read confusion like the long-time Pokémon attack]
“read confusion” doesn’t make sense, and the rest of the sentence is pretty questionable too. Just because a move’s existed for some time in the games doesn’t mean it makes sense to have character in the universe refer to it like that.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14192253/1/Frontier
[One thing that makes writing this weird is armaldo’s typing, being Bug & Rock, meaning that it has a weakness to water. Now, I understand why, and the pokedex entries it has all explain it well enough, but it’s kind of an issue when I kinda wrote the first half of this chapter thinking they were good in water; which they were, just in the past. So, to fix this, I’m just going to say that armaldo as a species has an ‘affinity’ for water, so they’re pretty much just resistant and react to water in the same way that all other water-types would. Yes, this gives armaldo a major buff, but my counter to that is that I’m not really considering competitive battling to be a factor here.]
While I don’t think this is itself a problem, and especially when there’s even space in canon for abilities that could do that mechanically, you probably should just go back and edit because having an affinity for water is one thing and explaining he’s failing at a job because he’s a water pokemon trying to move on land is quite another, especially when you could explain his slow speed and clumsiness just fine from his rock typing or physical shape.
[It’s a nice Pikachu fellow named Ryan.]
You’re mostly not capitalizing when you shouldn’t be, but you do have it in a few places like this.
[‘…Just wish there were a good job around town for me. Sure, being good at strategizing and having quick reflexes might’ve been good some 100 years ago, but now? Fights rarely even happen anymore, and the city has been built to damn near its limit. Sure, we could probably build up a bit more, but we wouldn’t have the population nor the materials necessary to support that growth.’]
If they’ve got limited space and materials, that actually does suggest construction is still a good idea. They could try digging down for living space to open things up more at surface level.
[“Cole, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re making this really difficult for me. I’m trying to get you a job, but you’re either unqualified or you just make a mess of the place.”
Cole rears back again at the use of his name. The goodra takes a step back, stretching.
“Welp, there’s not much we can do about that here anymore. I’m gonna go talk to the principal again. Afterward, wanna get something to eat? I’ll pay, of course.”
Cole resists the urge to pick at something, directing his claw back to the scale he’d picked at earlier. “…There’s not much for me to do, Demi. I’m an armaldo. I can’t help my own instincts to sharpen my claws. My body was built to fight, yet my mind’s been trained toward peace. There’s not much I can do about that.”]
Yes, but he could just stick something like those gel caps for cat claws on them.
Being physically ill-suited for the work available in a small place is sympathetic, but it really doesn’t seem like he’s putting in the slightest effort here.
[Cole shrugs. “Demi was planning on looking for a job for me. I’ve got a suggestion for her, though.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“I was thinking maybe I could get a position similar to the one she has. Y’know, finding jobs for other people, helping ’em plan for their future n’ stuff like that. Seems like something I might be good at.”
The luxio tilts his head. “You want to be a job agent? Heard that you had to be a ‘Star Student’ in school to be applicable. Plus, hasn’t she been doing it since like grade school with you?”
“Yeah. Though it fits my strengths, I doubt there’s much of a chance they’ll let me in.” Cole takes a bite out of the burger.
“You may still be able to work in that position anyways – If she is willing to vouch for you, at least.]
Why would she vouch for him? You’ve described him as having no idea what jobs he could do and no particular interest in figuring it out – you say everything after hauling cargo was a shot in the dark! And everything else he thinks about jobs is similarly bad, like thinking maybe he could sell meat on the basis of what, exactly? The fact he eats it some of the time? If he’d actually put in effort figuring out the different jobs, actually knew what he could and couldn’t do, then he could say that there actually weren’t many good jobs for him and why, and that’d have shown he might be able to help out other pokemon by thinking about what jobs they might be suited for using the same kind of reasoning. But every bit of characterization you’ve shown is the exact opposite. You can’t just keep having a character say he’s such a great strategist when what you show is he can’t even figure out what to do about the fact he has razor sharp claws he keeps absently damaging furniture with.
It’d probably have worked better if he did manage stuff like cargo jobs and being a bad substitute teacher fine and his issue was his boredom and wanting something more when there really isn’t anything like that in their walled community, which would lead a bit more naturally to proposing an expedition while also giving him a better track record when bringing it up that he can be trusted to handle something so risky.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14192348/1/Kindness-is-a-blessing-Few-can-afford
[“Oh, dear.” The craftsman said, worryingly. “Is that a Zorua?”
Rei cocked his head. “A pokemon? That’s clearly a person.”]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
So, this combined with the summary of [Akari is a Zorua. Rei is still her dear friend.] made me think it was about Rei realizing she can be a zorua and still a person. But it doesn’t seem like that ever happens and instead it’s full of weirdness like [Akari nodded. “They only let themselves be caught if they want to be your friend.” she signed.] There’s no way to make that fit with the reveal that the only reason she was safe from being caught by pokeballs is that she already had a pokeball.
[He chased her through the village, dodging pokeballs thrown his way and throwing a few that never managed to hit in response. They wove between the homes, chased each other between the clotheslines, laughing as they did so. Rei shouted increasingly impossibly threats of capture, and Akari responded by making stupid faces.
They caught the attention of the villagers, who only watched as they chased each other, and eventually smiled as they did so. The younger children of the village laughed with them, shrieking in delight as Akari and Rei turned and started chasing them as well, pokeballs hitting their ankles and bouncing off into the sand.
Eventually the not-quite-children collapsed on the ground, giggling wildly as they both caught their breath. The other village children scampered off back to their mothers. Rei sloppily threw another somewhere in Akari’s direction and she let out an exhausted laugh as it missed her entirely.
“That should prove to the whole village that you’re a normal girl,” Rei said when they both caught their breath. ]
Or this, which is terribly sweet if she was a normal girl, to prove that he believes she’s no subhuman creature who should be captured and bound and show that to everyone else, but what about this would come off as friendly to someone who actually is a zorua? Sure, he helped out her act, but he did it only because he fell for that act first.
Or [Oh, she hoped Rei didn’t follow her. It would kill her if he found out who she really was. ] It’s a pretty fucked up friendship if she’s grateful for the kindness he’d only offered to someone who wasn’t actually her.
It’s not even clear why she has such an abysmal idea of her own worth, since the one bit about her life of [Dawn caught her at such a young age so no one could ever try to catch her, and they buried her pokeball in the garden behind their home.] seems to be honestly trying to treat her as an equal. But then, it’s also not clear how she can go from hiding her own pokeball to saying pokeballs are just fun friendship spheres and making them to help other humans capture other pokemon.
[If she wasn’t bonded to Dawn, she might have let him catch her.]
WHY THOUGH.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14192383/1/Ignition
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Here in Alola, we don’t have traditional Gym-challenges like other regions. We have something called the ‘Island Challenge’. ]
It’s weird for someone to refer to how people do things in another place that’s totally different from their local traditions as “traditional”. The concept of penpals talking about the differences between where they live and finding common ground anyway is a pretty workable idea to use with the pokemon regions, but both sides of this just sound too much like they’re not writing as natives of that region but using your own knowledge as a baseline for what both of them think is normal, then saying their own region is weird in these ways.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14192395/1/Mr-Romero-A-Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Story
A couple sentences explaining this is a new version of a previous story should be on top of your actual chapter, not posted separately.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14078120/1/League-Mom
Part of the Chapter Review Exchange.
So, I was curious from the summary of this because to me, Clark challenging Barry like that already puts the great-mom thing in question, especially because it seemed to me like it was setting up for Clark to win, something I guess you saw as well. This is more of an overall problem of the movie – Clark just isn’t a very nice person in it, even trying to be as charitable as possible about just how much he was out of his mind when brought back.
[But Barry’s glum expression doesn’t change. “I can’t believe I lost,” he mumbles. “I’ve never lost a race before, ever.”
“I know you’re disappointed, Barry, but winning isn’t everything. Why don’t I pour you a cup of tea?” ]
This sort of works if she was a third party, but as the person who raised the guy who looked at a much younger, much more insecure guy who’d already gone through the wringer, who had one superpower to his dozen, and immediately challenged him to prove he was better at that one thing too… If winning’s not everything, then where’d Clark get the idea to do that? And the other problem is, it’s not really about winning when it’s talking about superheroes and when he’s only been allowed onto the team for the sake of that power while he’s desperate for both friendship and help with his own, pretty bad problems, but they only got him because they didn’t have the other guy who’s way more useful and now it turns out he’s just outright redundant. He’s got reason to be pretty broken up by this.
Basically, the level of mom-ing she’s doing here is just not really in line with Barry’s situation and feels more condescending instead, especially when the reason Barry’s upset is something her own kid did to him.
I think this might’ve worked if the race was the other way around – if Clark had lost (intentionally?) but it’d only done so much for Barry’s doubts that he’s not good enough for the rest of the group, and now he was comparing himself to how he would lose any hypothetical competition with Clark if it was anything else. That’s a more minor thing to be upset about, so treating it as a minor and childish thing is proportionate. And Clark losing would make her telling Barry winning and losing aren’t a big deal not only sound a lot more reasonable than when it’s right after [And she can tell right away that Barry, for the first time in his life, has just lost a race. She’d overheard him and Clark talking about holding a race, and she’d known then that Barry, no matter how fast he might be, would never be able to beat her son.] but even imply that Clark was fine with losing (either challenging someone he knew was pretty fast and could beat him, or choosing to lose to make Barry feel more confident) because she brought him up with this attitude.