NaReWriMo 2021 – Day 1 (17)

Ah, January. I was feeling lazy and I was pretty sure the fic output would be low, so I let it build up. This covers January 1st-2nd. Some isekai, some no-pokemon AUs, an actual canon divergence fic with Jessie and James, an otherwise decently written fic that for some reason wanted videogame key item mechanics included.


Before diving into January proper, a requested review:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13761831/1/Half-Hearted-Hero

Alright, so, you asked for what I think on this but I feel I should preface this by saying isekai stuff is an odd subgenre for me. The plot elements are ones I’m very interested in, but the way those elements are handled generally is pretty orthogonal to that interest, and so it’s very hard for me to tell whether if I don’t like how something’s handled it’s a problem or just it working exactly as intended for the actual target audience of people who aren’t me.

This starts with an extended bit of his pre-transition life which I don’t see the point to. He dies saving a stranger’s dog, but that’s kind of a default heroic action, and it’s not like I know his life and have a sense of what he’s giving up. You don’t even say where he is – a hotel? An apartment building? Does he have family or friends there who might be in danger or looking for him? So it doesn’t really work to develop the character.

(And if it’s supposed to be a play on characters having a blandly heroic backstory, then I’d suggest at the least amping it up significiantly – putting a lot of focus on his choice to do this, having him explicitly tell the reader that he has other options and knows he should take them for his own sake, but is choosing otherwise.)

And does any of it matter? Kind to animals getting you sent to the pokeworld has a bit of a superficial connection, but the power fantasy of Pokemon fanfic really doesn’t have anything to do with sacrificing yourself to protect them. If I was completely unfamiliar with isekai, I might think that was meant to be setting up the subversion, because an actual animal lover wouldn’t fit very well into the universe’s standard power fantasy, but I don’t think there’s anyone who’d actually read it that way – and if anyone ever did want to write something like that, they’d have to set it up very differently to make anyone realize that’s what they were going for.

And it’s, what, a thousand words/a fourth of your fic? I really think you’d have been better served just starting with them waking up in another world. You could have them briefly remember how they died…or just not bother with that at all, since how or even if they died doesn’t seem like it really matters.

[My lungs swelled with an inky like substance that I could feel dripping down my esophagus instead of the fresh air I expected.]

A lot of your description seems kind of wonky but this one in particular stands out. Smoke is going to be searingly hot and full of irritating particles that you’re more likely to try to cough right back out. It’s both an inaccurate description and one that doesn’t have the right connotation – “ink” has the feeling of a cool liquid, and that’s reinforced by “dripping”. That would feel pretty nice if you were in the middle of a raging fire breathing superheated air.

[I recognize this scenario. I was transported to another world like all those shitty anime. Except unlike those shitty transported people I actually had a life I cared about.
More tears spilled out as I began to think of my mother, my dad. Everything I left behind.
It was all gone.]

I find this a lot stronger than the extensive fiery death scene. A character feeling loss about this is something that matters going forward, while any time you open a fic with the main character in danger, you know one way or another they’ll get out of it because the story has to go on. And it allows for tension about if the character might not be satisfied and want to go home/bring other people here/open a permanent gate to be able to travel between the two repeatedly.

[“Calm down!” the person moved towards me and I flinched unintentionally.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ His dirty blond hair was short in some places and long in others, making him look like one of those punk rockstars. Green eyes and full perfect teeth, something you expected to see on the face of a supermodel.]

[I’m not going to lie, he looked handsome in a devilish way.
“My name is Diablo,” he proudly proclaimed]

Unless our protagonist is similarly tweaked to be their best supermodel self, it’s jarring to have someone who’s supposed to be a fellow real world guy who seems to have been constructed on fictional character logic instead. It also feels sort of cheating, because making this guy mundane would better foreshadow what’s coming.

[The man saw my concern and gave me a reassuring nod. “Don’t worry, it’s quite easy. The people in this world are not nearly as good at Pokémon battling like we are. I figured out that Protect could be used offensive and everyone just looked at me like I had just invented the wheel.”]

[“I caught a Legendary,” he proudly exclaimed, his voice was almost childlike with an edge of excitement. A totally different person was sitting in front of me. With a raspy voice he said. “And have you seen the woman? Have you ever seen Cynthia, or Sonia?”
He licked his lips and gave me a playful wink. “The woman here? They totally dig me and think I’m the coolest guy ever!”]

Similarly, okay, so this is a play on the overpowered harem protagonist, but the biggest problem those have is that there’s no sense the rest of the world is real. A world where all the women fight to join the protagonist’s harem is a world where none of those women are people, they’re just unusually mobile realdolls. Same for only the protagonist being able to think up even basic tweaks in strategy. It’s clearly a world constructed to service a single person. And if you think about it that starts to make the whole murdering an innocent kid thing morally grey – can this place even be shared, when it’s obviously built to revolve around a single person? Will power shift to the new person and slowly lobotomize the previous one until they’re another person-shaped servant to the new guy’s ego, or maybe two of them being active too long will tear it apart under the strain?

(…possibly there’s mileage to get out of the idea of isekai worlds as actually heaven, but there’s a limited number of heaven worlds and if you want it as your afterlife you must defeat its current lord.)

If this is playing with the isekai thing by just having a previous protagonist want to keep their spot, I think it’d work better to make it a lot more grounded. Have the original one be a superstar because isekai powers let him control any pokemon so he’s got a legendary he can throw around and beat evil teams with, but without also being a devilishy handsome man named devil and without saying the world’s designed around bad mary sue writing where only the main character knows how to battle at all. If you want to parody the general bad writing, on the other hand, I think you need more of a twist than just that the previous character likes his position – for example, the opposite, that the power fantasy grows stale in the same way people complain about the games being too easy, and now they want real challenges and real admiration instead of winning without effort and then being showered in meaningless praise by cardboard people.

To get back to what I said at the start, there’s a lot of stuff codified into isekais that I don’t get, so possibly your intended audience will have already suspended their disbelief on elements like harems and everyone else being a helpless idiot, and would even be disappointed to not have such subgenre standards referenced and feel it isn’t really an isekai without that. But I think this could use another pass to think about where your story’s focus is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13783845/1/Transcending-Union

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[The Uni region; a place whose two key traits makes the oddly shaped ring-like landmass stand out from its other fellow regions. When it comes to battling, the Uni region has it just like everywhere else in the world. The only difference? Battles in the form of double or more commonly tag battling is the norm in this region. Here, starting trainers are given two Pokémon of their choic0 instead of one. From there, they find a partner and register to take on the Pokémon League. Winning eight gym badges, the duo gains access to participate in the aforementioned league with the winners being crowned the Pokémon League winners gaining the chance to take on the Elite Four and Champions. ]

This is awkwardly worded. Your first sentence is saying there’s two differences, the next one that it’s the same, then that there’s one difference, then that also as a result of that people get two starters, then the next paragraph will outline another difference.

It also seems like this is being looked at from the perspective of writing out the setting for a game. If pokemon are real living creatures, going from zero to two should cause all sorts of problems that starting with one pokemon is presumably meant to avoid.

And the same for yet another fan region whose special regional mix of pokemon is they have all pokemon. Readers will only see the pokemon you actually show in the fic, and there is no way you’re going to have characters chase down hundreds of different species of wild pokemon.

[The four quadrants consist of the tundra, mountains, desert, and the tropics. The tundra in the top-left, the mountains in the top-right, the tropics in the bottom-left, and the desert in the bottom-right. ]

Also, that’s not how geography works.

[“Attention all passengers, we will be docking in Corral-reef City.” A female voice announces over the intercom. “I repeat, we will be docking in Corral-reef City. Thank you for choosing the S.S. Anne and welcome to the Uni region.”]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Please don’t label flashbacks “flashback/flashback end”. It should be clear from context. Also, you really do not need a flashback to recap that time that her father told her she could use a vacation. You could just have her think that.

[Outskirts of Corral-reef City

Panting, a young woman carrying what seems like a brown fox runs through the forest. Hiding behind a tree, she catches her breath.]

Another thing you really shouldn’t need to be labeling. You can work this into narration. For example, “the forest on the outskirts of Corral-reef City”.

Also, “corral” is an enclosure like you’d have cows in. Not sure if this is a misspelling or a pun.

…and of course he trips over an absol and eevee who are extra special. Look, you do not need to have the entire region hand out double starters just because your character happens to meet two pokemon at once, or say the entire region specializes in double battles just because Sabrina’s standing nearby and they decide to team up. Those are just things that can happen.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13783911/1/Culinary-Rivals-Light-of-Winter

[The hot cocoa was topped with smooth marshmallows that had partly melted into the cup already and further topped with a generous serving of whipped cream decorated with tiny peppermint candies. As she sipped it, she could taste the unique spice of Babiri berries mixed with cinnamon, and the spice sent a gentle jolt through her nerves. ]

Okay, you see how all the other plant flavorings – the cocoa, the marshmallows, the peppermint, the cinnamon – are lowercased, because they’re common nouns? The same goes for “babiri berries”, and “pokemon”, and everything else that is not an individual’s name.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13783918/1/Your-Distant-Light

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“She never ceases to amaze, huh?”

The boy turned to see his father kneeling behind him, his own eyes sparkling with joy underneath his hat as he watched the woman on the television screen.
“Are you ever gonna do something like that, Dad?”
The man chuckled, “I’m not one to steal the spotlight from your mother.]

I can’t remember the last time I saw a setup with the mom a battler and the father not! Nice.

[Now Playing: Before the Story – Deltarune OST]

Your fic really doesn’t need to be interrupted with suggestions for a soundtrack.

[She placed a comforting hand on his mother’s shoulder, “…I’m so sorry about what happened, Laura.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Please, mom…” ]

Any time you’re using it as a person’s name, it’s capitalized as one.

While I assume the fact both his parents are dead is going to be relevant to his characterization going forward, that doesn’t mean you need to tell it in that order. Characters tend to be a lot more engaging if you show who they are first, and then explain how they got that way, rather than opening with their trauma before the reader has a chance to get to know them. And in this case, going straight from him with his father to him living with Hop would have given some mystery as to why, which you really need because characters waking up is not, itself, all that interesting.

[Laying inside was his mother’s old white bandana. The one she always wore during her battles. He stared down at it, emotions threatening to crack open before he pushed them down and tied the scarf around his neck.]

Like these three lines have more in them than both scenes of his parents dying.

[Let Previous Song Finish Playing Before Continuing]

Okay, seriously, you’re telling people not to read your story in favor of listening to someone else’s song. Do you not see why this is a bit counterproductive?

[“Man, that was aces,” Hop gushed. “I better remember that strategy so I can use it in the Gym Challenge.”

Terry raised an eyebrow, “I don’t see how one impromptu battle is going to help when you have all of Leon’s matches recorded.”
Hop looked over at him with an incredulous look, “What are you talking about, mate? Watching and learning from EVERY battle is essential if we want to take on the Gym Challenge!”]

So this strikes me as really good characterization – someone who’s into pokemon battles should love seeing them and should be soaking up every bit of strategy. But at the same time, that really didn’t seem like an interesting battle or showing any strategy worthy of the time spent on it. If you want to do something like this, you really need to write battles that really do have clever, engaging strategies, rather than an exchange of moves.

And more broadly, the same really goes for all of this. This is incredibly slow paced. I think you should consider what you’re trying to get across here (such as Terry not currently being interested in battles) and remove the chaff that’s surrounding them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13783960/1/Reality-Painted-in-Shades-of-Black

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Pleasure to meet all of you. I study Pokemon, mainly. For the ones who have heard of me helping starting Trainers, I do that only when I have parental permission. You can still come to me for help or questions regarding Pokemon, if you want.” ]

Okay, so, these guys are a secret group working together to fight some sort of multi-universe threat, and also you say they’re all twenty-somethings. Why is he talking to them about parental permission? Why would it be in any way relevant, let alone sound like he means it in some way prevents him from helping them? (Why would they even have heard of him when this seems like it’s the introduction?)

[Rowan here plans to send the Receivers out on field work to keep them busy and able to cope with the new world when they start recruiting. In my eyes, I don’t see that many Receivers becoming Trainers, not even the children if at all. They’re meant to set up a forward-operating base and start recruiting, and also get themselves registered as citizens so they can set up an account for funds at the bank.]

…okay, so your plan for a Pokemon crossover is for the crossover characters to avoid interacting with pokemon?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13783983/1/Eeveelution-Squad-Book-1

Your sentences should start with capital letters.

Write out numbers with letters.

It’s okay, four letters.

The pronoun “I” is always capitalized, not just when you feel like it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13784197/1/The-Battle-at-Birth-Island

Ah, a fic starting with someone an experienced trainer! Do not see nearly enough of these.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

[I caught sight of something else that I didn’t recognize in my key items pocket. It was a ferry ticket, but obviously not my Tri Pass or Rainbow Pass that I used to traverse the Sevii Islands. ]

Okay, so I know this is very game-based, but… The thing is, the game has a lot of stuff that makes little to no sense taken literally. The idea of “key items”…really, even the idea of needing a ticket to get somewhere when riding on pokemon’s been a thing since the first game.

[“Here’s the thing, lassie,” he continued. “The fact that you found it can’t be a coincidence. You don’t ever hear of this happenin’ anymore around Kanto, but way back in the day, sometimes, a really small number of people would find special tickets and other items like that mixed in with their things one day that they didn’t put there, or some strange man at the Pokémon Center might hand them something like this and then never be seen again. We called ’em mystery gifts, and this here ticket was one of those items that a few folks got mysteriously gifted.” ]

[“Ya see, lassie, those Aurora Tickets used to be used only by researchers and the strongest of Pokémon rangers back when the island was first discovered, since it’s a place that ain’t safe for the general public to go. You only got ahold of that ticket if you were the real deal. It’s an absolute terror out there in more ways than one.” ]

I really think it’d have been wiser to figure out something that was recognizable as a reference to how the games worked but redone to be something reasonable. For starters, finding it on the beach instead of her bag having a magic space for plot-relevant items that it spontaneously appeared in. And having some reason why it’s needed to get to the island – if this is supposed to indicate she’s qualified, having it appear out of nowhere isn’t very convincing! Having it contain directions (maybe latitude and longitude if the island’s location is secret, or perhaps a map if the issue is navigating reefs) would make more sense than just that it being a thing that lets you commandeer any ferry into deadly waters. Going to this place sounds exciting, but it’s horribly undercut by including the mechanics like this because you’re repeating over and over that this world isn’t real and nothing about how anyone acts will make sense.

[I’m sort of going with the idea of what would be happening if, say, there was indeed a little universe inside the GBA cartridge, and while the actual player is pulling the strings, the characters themselves are the ones having the experience.  ]

Basically, this really only works if you lean in to the eldritch horror of being on strings like this. Imagine there were actual lands in the world and no one could just get on a boat and go to them, unless a being outside of reality made an item appear in your hand and then whoever you showed it to would be forced to sail you there.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13784202/1/Catching-Up

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13784375/1/Estranged-to-Engaged

Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the idea of Jessie joining Team Rocket but James staying with his family. That’s a good canon divergence.

Jessie’s reactions to the mansion seem a bit flat, though – she’s just being reasonable, but she gets pretty envious and resentful of wealthy people and I’m assuming her own terribly impoverished upbringing is still holding true for this, and it makes for a good complication in how it’s very hard for her to understand James could be both rich and abused.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13784936/1/A-Trip-for-Two

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This really doesn’t seem like fanfic. N in a pokemon-less AU really doesn’t have any remaining personality. This is just a couple OCs working through a terribly generic minor romance plotline, without a lick of suspense because it’s just going to be that the girl is happy with what the boy did and everyone knows it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785231/1/Regret-This-Day-and-Never-Again

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

I think this would be better if it were a bit more focused. The main joke seems to be Ash and social media, and the side jokes about him being ten or a terrible battler don’t really add anything and just delay the actual start.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785236/1/Crosslia-Highschool-Tales

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785445/1/Unexpected-Rose

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You really don’t need to label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.

Write out numbers with letters.

This is extremely slow paced. If the point of it is just explaining the excuse for her to go to school elsewhere, it really didn’t need to be even a fraction this long. If it’s setting up a conflict between her values and her new benefactor’s for the rest of the story, that wasn’t highlighted well. And given there’s no reference to any pokemon appearing, it really seems more like original fiction at this point.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785478/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Retribution-From-Agony

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

So I know this is basically a revenge fantasy, but I do think it’d be better if you did more to explain the setup. The character apparently keeps getting mistreated and betrayed endlessly and it never occurs to him to, say, stop sending all his money home. He’s a champion who’s defeated a host of legendary pokemon, but the police can kick him around. And compared to the stuff that already happened, Lance being happy he died and planning to steal all the credit doesn’t even seem like a big deal. And there’s also the common issue that in a world that seems to have nothing but evil backstabbers, how did this kid even grow up thinking otherwise?

[I stole all the money from my mother’s savings which in total was only $99,000, I then went to the fridge and grabbed all the food I could and placed them into the capsule balls. They store items and food, as well as do a good job of preserving them for many years. Oh, these weren’t really mine to take, but my mother barely used them. So since she had a nice stash of item balls without use I stole them. ]

Also, given his mother is evil and the police hate him, this seems like a terrible idea. He got plenty of money just by being a trainer last time, so why not do that and just not give it to his mother this time? Similarly, the idea he can make enormous amounts of money by selling bikes at huge markup…how, exactly? Why did no one ever do that before?

[I Spent my time working out. One of the main reasons why I had listened to anybody and did as they said was because I had been weak, things would be different this time. ]

Don’t capitalize random words, and it’s always silly when someone who’s got god-killing pokemon thinks it’s important they have muscles.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785517/1/Memories

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things, or, in the case of [Hey, mom.] a word you’re using to in place of that name. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[Her father, a Pokemon researcher, had died when she was young. It was so long ago that she didn’t remember how. However, she did know that he had left her mother to raise her alone. Maybe that was unfair of her to think so, but it was true—her mother did not try to find anyone to take his place, choosing instead to focus on raising her daughter as a single mother.]

I would go less with “unfair” and more “utterly unhinged”.

It seems like she’s somehow blaming the father for her mother’s decision not to remarry, even though given she can’t even remember how he died she obviously can’t remember if he said anything to encourage or discourage that. She’s also so self-centered about it that it never occurs to her to ask for any details about her father, and she’s also acting like that not remarrying is just a decision and doesn’t involve her mother needing to actually find a person interested in raising a kid, who’ll do a good job of it, and who her mother wants to live with. And it really makes no sense that this somehow leads to her spending all her time trying to make her mother happy – how does this lead to her spending her time gathering flowers? Normally that kind of thing goes with talking about how she was close to her mother who did a good job of raising her, or that her mother wasn’t remarrying because she was sad about her father, or really any sort of engagement with her mother as a person.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785617/1/Hop-s-Evolution

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785657/1/Life-s-Requiem-Death-s-Caterwaul

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[He could scarcely breathe as the blackness took on two shapes, both humanoid, though one was clearly a Pokémon by its malformed structure and long, sinuous tail. ]

It doesn’t really make sense to say that malformed means something’s a pokemon, since if something’s a pokemon, it wasn’t supposed to be formed to look like a human in the first place.

[“I… don’t understand,” he frowned, ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13785697/1/The-Very-Best

I’m not sure what to make of Mark here. Given how much he hates his mother and sister, and given he attributes his father’s suicide to his mother’s abuse, why does he explosively quit his job over not getting a promotion and willingly move back home before looking for a job? I’d think it’d make more sense for him just be fired because the company is downsizing or something, especially when the job market seems to be awful.

[“It’s me, mom.” ]

When used in place of a name, “mom” is capitalized the same as a name.

 

 

One Comment

  1. GijinkaVerse Writer says:
    I can’t remember the last time I saw a setup with the mom a battler and the father not! Nice.

    I initially read this as batterer. Did not know what to make of it as that prioritizing one type of progressivism over another.

    But as far as battlers, I have recently come across a romhack that does it. On the other hand, no dad. Romhacks are basically Pokémon fanfictions, in so many ways.

    Pokemon Unbound is the big Romhack of 2020, and it feels like I’m trap in a bad fanfiction. Ever bad Romhack has a bad conversation with Arceus at the beginning. Unbound basically boasts its features, so maybe I should not judge.

    Whatever, I’m might leave this type of storytelling as suddenly as I reentered it.

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