‘Why is everyone writing thoughts like this? Who popularized it and how can I kill them?’
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13788858/1/Frozen-Hearts
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Write out numbers with letters.
[When he moved to Snowpoint City 3 years ago, he was explicitly warned about these types of vicious blizzards, surely whipped up from the frosty dungeon of Kyurem himself.]
This is taking place in Sinnoh, and Kyurem is barely known of even in Unova. The local legendaries are rarely half as relevant to people as fanon thinks they are, let alone the legendaries of other regions. It’s also missing the fact that there are plenty of non-legendary pokemon that people do canonically talk about in connection to snowstorms.
Also – why did he move to Snowpoint City, anyway? Homeless people generally move in the direction of warmer climates rather than to the coldest place in the country, and the fact he’s almost freezing to death here because he didn’t pay attention to the weather means it certainly isn’t because he knows what he’s doing.
[He was lucky it was 2:30 AM, so the foyer was dead empty. He may be homeless, but he didn’t like people seeing his disheveled form.]
Why is he out at 2:30 AM if he’s homeless and makes his living collecting rocks? It would seem like pretty much the only upside of that is being on your own clock. And it’s not like he’s going to be able to dig for rocks in the dark either.
[‘1.5 million Poke. Dear Arceus, imagine what one could do with all that money,’ wondered Tamar]
“Wondered” is really not the right verb. You seem to be going out of your way to avoid normal speech tags like said and thought and using a lot of inappropriate ones instead. It’s distracting.
‘ for thoughts looks too close to “, and makes it see like it’s being spoken, plus you’re already italicizing it and saying it’s what he thought. That’s more than enough to be clear.
Also, nobody in any canon uses the legendary pokemon in place of the word “god”, and if they were going to, they certainly wouldn’t be using Arceus any more than you swear by Anu.
[Sure, the world seemed geared to trainers. Free Pokemon Centres and places to sleep, a stable income (somehow), an adventure of a lifetime with your bestest Pokemon Pals. All this seemed to skip over Tamar. As teenagers frolicked around with their pocket monsters, he traversed the hellhole that was the Lake Acuity Parish, trying to find valuable stones to sell. ]
Part of it being geared toward trainers is making it incredibly easy to be a trainer. If he isn’t, you really need to give your explanation for that promptly, because “seemed to skip over” is really not cutting it as a reason.
[Unfortunately, it appeared that Tamar’s haul today was rather fruitless, common ores and pebbles seemed to be the only rocks collected, until she spotted the last, green coloured stone at the end of the line.
“Oh! A leaf stone! You could probably get a couple thousand Poke for this one,” she commented.
Tamar smirked. “So my methods are successful, good to know.” Nurse Joy looked at him in concern.]
…okay, so he’s just grabbing random stones as his “occupation”. I guess this is sort of in line with the fact he’s walking through a blizzard in the middle of the night, and I guess if you did mean for him to be an utter moron who’s inexplicably full of himself, smirking at her like an asshole is definitely hammering that in, but it’s also the exact point I can’t possibly care what happens to him in the slightest.
Also, that’s like a few hundred dollars. That’s really, really not worth living in a frozen hellhole when he could be scavenging on a warm beach or something.
I’m assuming there’s some reason why you wanted Tamar here. The next step should be to identify all the things that stand in the way of Tamar being here and then justify it. For example, if he had any actual ability with stones and this area happened to be the best place to scavenge, rather than being so dumb that after three years of doing this he’s trekking into the city with a bag full of rocks and asking someone else to tell if any of them are worth anything. Plus, him actually having any sort of talent/interest in the subject would be an actual positive trait and he could really use that. It also needs to be meaningfully lucrative to make up for the fact that he’s risking his life spending so much time in the cold. Instead of general whining that his life sucks and he’s just stuck where he is, he could be trying to get enough stored up that he can try to build a life somewhere else.
[Paradoxically, Sinnoh is the holy land of the Pokemon world, where Arceus created life.]
It is super, super not. Sinnoh’s gods are the lake trio, the creation trio are obscure stories of what people used to believe in, Arceus is a myth of a myth, and the people outside of the country could not care less about any of it.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13788865/1/The-Rewards-of-Failure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[the Martial Arts Pokemon]
This sort of epithet abuse is really a bad idea. Use their name or refer to them by their species or some other actually relevant description.
This really seems like it needed another pass to actually turn it into a story. Almost all of what you’ve written is summarizing what’s happening rather than really showing it, which is particularly bad when your plot itself is barely there. I do think it’s possible to write something that’s just the characters tried to do a thing, it was hard, so they went home and ate donuts, and have it be good, but it takes a lot of effort to hammer that into something that’s actually engaging to read.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13788945/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Heroes-of-Valoria-Heroes-Born
Your title should tell the reader something about your actual storyline. That it’s PMD fanfic and will involve heroes doesn’t really do that.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[In a world where Pokemon primarily exist; a continent separated from society comes in play with an entirely new threat, but not to what the world has already expected.]
This is word salad.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Prologue: Departure.]
[Chapter 0: Final words]
I’m really getting the impression you aren’t clear on what a prologue or a chapter is. I do think it was a good decision not to post these tiny chunks separately, but if you think the four chapters should be posted as one, why are you insisting they’re four separate chapters and not just a chapter?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789031/1/Paul-s-New-Adventures
Your title really should say more about your story than that there’s a character and he’ll be doing something probably.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[‘Nuvema Town eh?’ Paul thought ]
‘ is too close to ” and makes it seem like this is being spoken aloud. And you don’t need further markers for thoughts if they’re italicized and you’re labeling them as thoughts.
[Also, this electabuzz had a blue bow tied to both antennas and another blue bow tied to a tuft of fur sticking out from the middle of the head, marking this Pokémon to be female.]
Seriously?
Look, if it’s deeply important to you that you establish Paul’s pokemon is definitely definitely interested in a girl pokemon and not a boy one because no-homo, you could accomplish this just by having Paul use the appropriate pronouns for both and having it assumed that he, as someone who knows about pokemon, can tell this by looking.
And if this is important to you, Paul should probably be consistently referring to his own pokemon as “he” and not “it”.
It’s “okay”, four letters.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
[But hey, instead of interjecting your own insecurities onto me]
I think you mean “projecting”.
[‘I can’t believe I lost to HIM. How could I? Am I strong enough?’ he thought]
I mean, yeah. He ordered a thunderpunch against a grass pokemon. That isn’t even him being worse than the other guy, that’s just him being really, astoundingly bad at this. He didn’t think to use status moves, and not only did his pokemon not have any way to deal with grass types, despite being able to learn ice, fire, and bug moves, but he couldn’t even stick to neutral ones.
[“That’s a fossil. A plume fossil to be exact,” Miki explained. “it was burning a hole in my bag and when I saw how determined you are, I figured that you could make use out of it.”]
“I saw you’re a very determined sucky trainer who yells at his pokemon a lot and keeps being mean to everyone including me, and I thought, cool, I’d love to inflict that on some innocent fossil pokemon!”
Even worse, he immediately asks her to take him to where he can get the fossil revived, so it’s not even that she doesn’t want to bother doing that. It’s just you wanted Paul to be handed this and she only exists to facilitate things for him rather than having any internal life of her own.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789122/1/when-the-night-is-over
Nothing really to say about this one either.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789312/1/The-Pok%C3%A9mon-Academy
Did you know there’s a hundred other stories with this title? And it really doesn’t give the reader any sense of what’s actually interesting about yours.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“I’m glad to hear that. Well hold on tight, I wanna show you something” Kazuma said.
As Kazuma said this, he commanded his Salamence to use dragon dance and Salamence began to blister full speed towards the sky. Kazuma shows Ryo the wonders of Pokemon who live in the sky as they are greeted by a horde of swablu, a herd of Fearow, and a band of Cutiefly flying near them.
Then Kazuma asked Salamence to descend to the ocean and Kazuma showed Ryo the wonders of the Pokemon living in the sea. Ryo was excited to see new Pokemon he had never seen before as they witnessed a group of Clamperl, Wishiwashi, and the mighty Gyrados. As Ryo was running out of air, Kazuma commanded Salamence to return to the surface as both of them observed a Pokemon forest from above. There was a group of bug type Pokemon, weedle, caterpie, wurmple and all their evolutionary forms all present in the beautiful wonders of the forest.
“Wow. So this is the world of Pokemon!” Ryo said in awe.]
This is the sort of thing that kind of works in a visual medium, because the viewer might be excited enough to see those things that they don’t pay attention to how forced it is for someone who lives in the world normally to just suddenly go “Wow pokemon exist!” To get that feeling in text, you need to actually describe things enough to similarly distract the reader. You know the saying that a picture’s worth a thousand words? If you’re trying to mimic the awe of an animated scene, you’re going to need a lot more than a hundred words.
[“That Seviper! It just transformed into another Pokemon. The only Pokemon capable of doing that is..” Kazuma wondered]
First, “wondered” is not what he’s doing.
Second, no, pokemon other than mew are capable of doing that. Ditto can use transform, smeargle are capable of learning transform as well, zorua and zoroark have their illusion ability, and the anime says latias and latios are capable of a similar illusion.
[“Mew! I am someone who aims to be the best Pokemon Trainer in the world! I challenge you to a battle!” Kazuma said as his feet trembled with fear.
“Dad! Are you insane? Your opponent is the Mythical Pokemon Mew! It is gonna be way stronger than Lance’s Dragonite or Leon’s Charizard! Aren’t you afraid you’re gonna lose? Ryo said as he tried to convince his dad not to battle.
“Ryo. Of course, I am afraid. But, please remember this in life. You will always be afraid of most opportunities life throws at you. Especially if it involves challenges or change. But do remember, that chances like this may only come once in a lifetime. A true Pokemon trainer is someone who does not let fear take control of himself. So what I am trying to say is..”
“So be afraid! Be afraid and then do it anyway!” Kazuma said as he took out his Poke ball and Salamence marched in front of him ready to battle.]
Why? This mew just saved Ryo’s life, so it’s clearly friendly. And announcing he’s challenging the mew to a fight isn’t likely to make it angry the way simply ordering an attack might. There’s no reason to expect bad consequences from losing, and indeed, nothing bad happens and none of them seem surprised when after defeating his last pokemon, the mew leaves peacefully. Making a big deal of how brave characters are to do something that’s not at all dangerous just makes it seem even less impressive.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789326/1/The-return-of-Mewtwo
“Return” should be capitalized in your title.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[- Mewtwo: Legendary male Pokémon, solitary and not very expressive in appearance, returns to its region of origin after many years.
– Mew: Mythical female Pokemon, kind and tender, measures around 1.50 being bigger than others of its species.]
If you’re saying they’re male and female, you shouldn’t call them “it”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789397/1/Birds-of-a-Feather
[ it’s rocky tunnels]
Its. “It’s” means “it is”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Also, dialogue shouldn’t always be in its own paragraph separate from any narration.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13789635/1/My-Premier
[This is a personal AU that I’ve thought up where my first Pokemon Shield character grew up and became the champion, and the adventures of his sister, who was my second playthrough.]
Huh. That’s an interesting idea, and seems a good way to avoid the problem of the rival having more of a stake in events than the main character.
[Deep blue eyes became slightly obscured due to the grime on his glasses.]
I think this kind of description would work better as something like, “His deep blue eyes had become slightly obscured by the grime on his glasses.”
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790035/1/Bumps-and-Bruises
Another story about the humans.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790056/1/Information-Wants-To-Be-Free
[Several barrier posts fell over as Conway abruptly leaped the rope and jumped into Alex. Surprised shouts came from the crowd. The boy fell backwards and yelped, and Conway pressed their beak against Alex’ neck, nestling into his lap. Alex’ shock quickly gave way to laughter, and he pulled Conway into an embrace, smiling as Conway beeped and clicked against him.]
This is both really cute and does a great job setting up the rest of the fic. It first sells why Alex wants a porygon so badly – who wouldn’t? And then it also sets up the issue of porygon ownership/rights, when porygons themselves are able to show they’re independent creatures with their own feelings and desires.
[It didn’t look like any of the porygon builder CDs he’d seen. There was no label sleeve, no Silph Co. logo. Inside the generic jewel case was an equally generic CD-R, on the front of which “PORYGON BUILDER” was scrawled in marker.]
Oh, this fills me with nostalgia.
I really liked the technology here a lot. Usually the tech pokemon is assumed to go with a general tech geek with the latest everything, but things are usually more messy than that.
[The xatu’s trainer and his team stood together on the winners’ platform, where the trainer was giving his victory interview. Chip positioned themself as if they were standing with the trainer, twirling on the spot and chirping.]
I love how expressive Chip is!
Really, all the characters were great. Characters not into battling tend to be extremely so, and Alex felt so much more believable as someone who didn’t live and breathe it, but was still capable of doing it without it being a misery slog. Everything around Orichalca was great – the awkwardness of traveling by a pokemon that can do it, but not well, the way he’s limited by funds and needed to get an already evolved starmie, and how that had its own downside, Chip’s outrage making it really feel like they’re an actual team with an actual shared goal…
[Southpaw nodded and shuffled toward the krabby, punching the air in front of her. Most of them scuttled into the surf or burrowed into the sand. A few raised their pincers and stepped back in a defensive stance. Three of them clacked their pincers and scuttled toward Southpaw.]
And I also like how this gives a really good sense of what catching pokemon looks like when they’re voluntary teammates.
[Porygonhas]
[Porygonyourself]
I think something might’ve gone wrong with the trademark symbol.
I do think the ending was a pretty abrupt shift. It seems like Chip both liked battling and liked the idea of being a famous champion, and abandoning all that to focus on focusing for their right to exist seems pretty dismal – [He’d have to find someone to take his pokemon (Chip excluded) onto their teams. He’d picked them because they were born battlers, after all, and they probably wouldn’t be happy just lazing around his apartment.] would seem to apply to Chip as well, after all. And while becoming famous when you’re an illegal porygon might be dangerous, it also might give a good platform for the issue, especially when Silph’s original pitch was that illegal porygon are defective and unsafe. It also feels weird to have him realizing this all on his own rather than it being a conversation with Chip.
I think it’d be a stronger ending if Chip expressed a general desire for heroics and fame that had involved detours into general do-goodery before, and it was Alex who was more invested in pursuing the approved path of gym battles to a championship and is finally realizing that Chip is never really going to be allowed that. Or if what he decided was he was going to stick it out and keep pursuing the championship, but that sticking it out was going to require getting actively involved in the hacker community rather than waiting on patches and cracks.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790159/1/The-Paulownia-Princess-and-Emperor-Kiritsubo
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Lance wasn’t the Kirisubo when he was the Champion.” The younger trainer pointed out.
“Lance wasn’t the Champion. Not rightful, at least.” The old woman said, narrowing her eyes noticeably. “Not then, not ever.”]
Okay, so I do love this little jab at Lance. He never really was, was he? He’s the fourth member when the group is formed and has already lost by the time you arrive, then in the next game he’s only there because Red wandered off. But – you just said Clair’s been doing the female role, and Clair is also not the champion and also is a dragon trainer from the very same dragon clan Lance comes from, so Lance should’ve been plenty qualified.
[Besides, she was a Johtonian born and bred. She knew what an honour it was to be able to play the Paulownia Princess at the Imperial Garden was, she grew up watching those beautiful women dance and act on stage for the whole prefecture to see.]
Also it really doesn’t sound like the main criteria for this is being the strongest trainer.
I think it might make more sense to have her want to do this and experience stage fright at the last minute rather than trying to explain the very narrow circumstances where she definitely has to because she’s a powerful trainer but that doesn’t apply to anyone else.
[Lyra was the epitome of innocence. He wanted her.]
Okay I’m assuming that should be taken as something other than jesus christ what but… I really don’t know what else I should get from that than a visceral sense of horror/disgust. It just seems enormously predatory. And [the nervous frown on her face as she read about Ghost-types, likely on preparation for their next encounter.] being right before it makes it even worse. I’m hoping you meant something like her being nervous because ghost types are tough to battle, but looking nervous at the idea of ghost types sounds like she’s scared of ghosts, and how pleased he sounds about this makes it seem like he’s getting off on her being scared of him and that his love of her “innocence” is part of the same power play.
[His eyes widened when he saw it was Lyra. The rich, layered kimono she was wearing ripped and was completely soaked through. It was not with difficulty that he could see that she wore nothing beneath it.]
No, it’d definitely take some difficulty. As you say, it’s layered, and fancy rich ones have ridiculous numbers of layers. That means even badly ripped, it’s unlikely any area was ripped completely through, and it definitely isn’t going to be see-through.
Also I’m not sure why she wouldn’t be wearing underwear in the first place.
[Lyra laughed from the jump scare of hers. “Why are we just standing here talking in the rain? We could find some shelter?”
Morty shook his head. “You have no idea how delectable you look right now, princess. I could ravage you right here on the spot.”
“Why don’t you?” Lyra asked cheekily.]
And this kind of thing would really benefit from them actually knowing each other before this, so this is a culmination, rather than Morty having a crush that involves a lot of kinking on her being innocent and weak and Lyra having never thought about him before this but luckily liking the idea once it’s brought up. Especially when you make a point that Lyra somehow forgot to bring her pokemon and actually is extremely vulnerable right now. Rape kink is often a lot less fun to flirt about when regular old rape is completely on the table. (You could even have her crush on Morty be part of why the performance anxiety kicked in so badly.)
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790252/1/Furret-Read-50-Shades-of-Grey
Try harder.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790462/1/The-ultra-journey
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13790512/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-The-Phantasmagoria
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[Liam gave a raspy laugh, “I was accepted in, under great scrutiny of course. The time I was there it was…..nice.” He brought a hand to his mouth across the semblance of a smile that was forming. “And then..” He took the hand away and clenched it shut. “They fucking fired me! Over the smallest of mistakes!”
His hands met the couch to reposition himself. “…I know that I never did anything that would warrant that action, but everyone’s eyes were on me. Just waiting for me to fuck up…” Heaving, he tried calming himself with deep breaths.]
So, there might be some reason you’re avoiding saying what the actual mistake is, but the thing is, this is the character’s introduction and having him say something that could be completely true or completely delusional doesn’t tell very much. What the “smallest of mistakes” actually is is incredibly relevant here to knowing both who he is and also what the larger situation around him is.
Also, breaking up one person’s dialogue into two or more paragraphs makes it really hard to keep track of who’s speaking. It’s sometimes necessary, but it really shouldn’t be happening all the time like it is here.
‘ for thoughts is too close to ” and makes it look like the line’s being spoken. Also, if you’re italicizing thoughts, you’re already marking them and don’t need more.
[He dropped the bag of medicine and cast the wallflower to the ground and collapsed on his bed, he was exhausted.]
Generally bad to have several “ands” like that. [He dropped the bag of medicine and cast the wallflower to the ground, then collapsed on his bed. He was exhausted.] would work better.
I generally don’t much like the whole personality test opening chapter for PMD, but I like how much you have him engaging with it and the interspaced flashbacks.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[My name is Vulpix, it is also my species name like yours is Riolu. However, I prefer to be called Gloria, it’s nice to meet you, I guess.”]
Okay, if she’s called Gloria then that’s her name. If you’re going to avoid having everyone called by their species (a good decision) you don’t need to include that but then say they’ve got special nicknames that function exactly like names. You can just go straight to having them use regular names.
[“Look over there, you see that darker area with more trees? That’s the entrance.”
The two stood near the ‘entrance’ to the Mystery Dungeon. Gloria looked more than fine, while Liam was confused.
“This is the entrance? It doesn’t look like any hole, cave, or building to me…” He reasoned, stepping forward to take a closer look at it.
Gloria went in front of Liam, “That’s part of the mystery of them, the entrances to them aren’t so cut and dry, it feels like they cut through reality themselves.” Looking at Liam with her baby blue eyes, she continued.
“But what happens next is going to shock you, let’s enter it now.” She told him before making her way towards the darkish area.]
This could’ve really used a lot more description. You have more of them talking about how strange and weird it is than actually explaining just what they’re seeing that’s so interesting.
Also, things like “reasoned” should only be getting used when someone’s actually reasoning. Being a bit confused about something isn’t even close. If someone’s only saying or asking, just use said or asked rather than pulling out a fancier word that’s wrong.
[Every room is random, there’s traps, stuff lying around, and even Pokémon that are created!” She excitedly told him.]
That the pokemon are just constructs seems like it’s leaning a bit too much into this all being a no-consequence videogame romp. The pokemon in there talk to you, you can recruit them, there’s known individuals making their homes in the dungeons…
So, that finishes up to Jan 8th!