A PMD fic that actually seems to be doing something unusual, and not just by starting the human-enters-game plot at a different point. Incompetent trainers. Questionable worldbuilding. One of those stories where the evil organization is kidnapping people to make them beautiful furries with superpowers, oh no, such a cruel fate.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793134/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Season-1
Your title should really be more personalized to your story than that it’s a pokemon fanfic and something of some sort will happen probably.
[“Huh A Starly? i wonder what it’s doing here.”said Tim curiously.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Both the pronoun “I” and the start of a sentence should always be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Tim put his hand on it’s head and stroked it”Don’t fully trust me yet? that’s okay, i promise, i just want to be your friend. You see, i have loved Pokemon all my life and always wanted to befriend many Pokemon, that’s why i have been looking forward to becoming a Trainer.”Said Tim calmly to the Gible as it gently released it’s hold on his arm.]
Someone who actually loves all pokemon would not be waiting on tripping over a crazy rare but extremely popular one. They’d have one of those starly.
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793170/1/Us
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“Yes mom!”]
Used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[Caroline seeing the mood, decided to change the topic, “Well kiddos, guess what’s for breakfast?”
Both looked confusedly at her and then screamed happily upon seeing the plate, “PANCAKES!”]
You really should not have spent your whole chapter on a bit of jitters and breakfast. Yeah, moving comes with a lot of anticipation for the person involved, but that’s because they’re actually going to be living it, just like pancakes are a lot more exciting to eat than read about people eating. If something interesting is going to happen about her moving, you should’ve gotten there instead of ending with a plane and a nap.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793436/1/Forget-the-first-love-and-love-again
Capitalize your title properly.
[So I can’t be angry at her for loving the same boy. It’s not her fault that she fell for Ash as it’s not her fault I missed my chance to be with him.]
That’s a nice change on the usual.
[Pallet town ]
Both words are part of the place’s name, so both are capitalized.
[ I’m visiting Mrs. Ketchum right now so meeting Ash is unavoidable. Maybe I can ask Prof. Oak if I could stay at his house rather than Ash’s room. What do you think?
With love, Misty]
I think you should probably have gotten to that, which would be a spot of actual conflict, rather than having your first chapter be entirely setup. Misty’s voice here has a pleasant enough flow but it’s not actually enough to make me want to see more when you’re stopping before you show how you’ll handle the actual story.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793595/1/Burning-Bright
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Blair picked up the paper and looked at it, her eyes going wide. It was a major league endorsement from her father.
“Nice, right? Your old man used his power as a minor league gym leader to get you an endorsement for the gym challenge.” ]
So, here’s the thing.
First, it’s really not clear what this means. On the very narrow level, yes, there’s just enough information here to work out that this is a trainer thing, and it’s difficult enough to get that Blair’s obligated to follow through with it, but the thing about introducing a fact about how your entire world works is it impacts people beyond the main character. When you’re writing fanfic, you can get away with not explaining much about the world because your readers should already have that information – but if you’re changing major parts of the world, that doesn’t apply.
Second, what little implication there is is found in “his power as a minor league gym leader”. Given there can’t be all that many of those compared to the overall population, then even if we assume gym leaders are but one of several groups with this kind of pull, that’s still implying that being allowed to challenge gyms is incredibly restricted. And given the main point of gyms appears to be challenging them, which in turn is the main reason you see traveling trainers, which in turn is why the regions have so much infrastructure devoted to making that possible… You’ve either changed the world to be unrecognizable, and need to explain what it looks like, or there’s a mess of plot holes.
Also, that world? Whatever it is, it’s definitely going to be a worse one. Needing an endorsement instead of anyone being allowed to do it means the only question is how crushing the divide between the haves and have-nots is. And this is absolutely going to make for a nasty amplifier and feedback loop on any existing prejudice, as the people in power are less likely to endorse them, leading to them being underrepresented, which then gets pointed to as proof they’re just not as good, which makes people less likely to endorse them.
[Blair’s heart nearly stopped. Even if she wasn’t interested in the gym challenge or battling in general, she had never been allowed to have a Pokémon before.]
…Speaking of plot holes. Her dad is a “minor league gym leader”, who’s so into pokemon battles that despite his kid never showing the slightest interest in that is willing to use his position to force through permission for this completely unqualified person to do the gym challenge without even asking her because it never occurs to him anyone wouldn’t jump at the chance…but he never allowed her to even have a pokemon.
I get that you want to have the scene of her getting her first pokemon. I’d suggest you take a minute and ask yourself why. Absolutely nothing happens. It’s so pointless that even if it made sense for her to be getting her first pokemon right now, there’d be no reason to bother showing it happen. Absolutely nothing would change if she just already had a pokemon, and without doing an introduction scene, it’d be less noticeable that the pokemon has no particular personality of its own and is just here as an accessory/excuse to move the plot forward.
[Despite her best efforts, however, a wild Pokémon looking for a fight leapt out on the path in front of her. An aggressive looking Shinx blocked her path, cheeks sparking as it let out a tiny roar.
Before Blair could think to speak, sputtering in shock, Sol leapt off her backpack, landing in front of her and shouting out a challenge at the Shinx.
“I didn’t want to get into a fight, but I guess I don’t have a choice…” Blair decided]
She totally does, though.
She could say she doesn’t want a fight and see if the shinx is only doing this because it assumes she’s here to attack. She could recall her own pokemon in case the shinx was reacting to that. She could even just choose to run away! None of these are options she has to take, but a character who just does whatever you the author like but refuses to take any responsibility for it is a spineless one.
This makes me think we need some sort of term for the worldbuilding revolving around the main character. This isn’t quite the same thing as a sue, but there’s the similar sense no one else matters.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793702/1/Agency-of-the-5th-World-Book-5A-Linda-s-Requiem
This would appear to be part of some convoluted crossover.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13793806/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Born-of-Stone
[as clumps of fossilized blood struggled to slither down his veins]
It’s entirely possible I’m the only one who’d be bothered by this, but, a fossil is not the original thing. It’s not actually blood that’s transitioned to a more rocky state, it’s rock where there used to be blood. “Fossilized” just doesn’t work properly as a modifier here – if it’s actually a fossilized, it doesn’t matter it’s in the place of blood because it isn’t and never was, if it is blood, then you shouldn’t be calling it a fossil.
“Mummified” might work, since that’d convey age and death and would be similarly clumps that don’t really flow. So would describing what’s flowing through his veins as sand, if the point is that he actually did fossilize, because if what you’re trying to communicate is that his blood was replaced by bits of rock, that’s much better done by saying there’s just bits of rock. Also, if you said there was sand in there I’d know for sure that’s what you were going for and could extrapolate to “oh, this pokemon probably didn’t used to be part rock type and it’s that theory that fossil pokemon aren’t actually identical to the original species”.
[What followed was a disgusting feeling of loss, as his stone prison sloughed away like diseased flesh. ]
Also, “diseased” seems odd when “rotten” is right there. Diseased flesh usually doesn’t actually fall off you while rotten flesh absolutely does, and that’s also more directly relevant to the death/rebirth aspect here.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
This is definitely intriguing. That he understands their language seemed a bit too convenient when it was first mentioned, but then it developed into the realization he’s been somehow changed in a lot of ways and turned into him struggling to make sense of who/what he is now. And the exploration team characters all came off well. The way they called off the attack and switched so smoothly to helpfulness was endearing and did a lot to get me invested in everyone’s survival and worried about the cliffhanger ending.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13794159/1/Angels-Exist
[Ash reminisces about a certain someone…someone that makes him believe Angels do truly exists]
Don’t capitalize “angel”, that should be “exist”, and sentences need to end in punctuation.
The pronoun “I” should be capitalized.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
“You’re” means “you are”, “your” is possessive, and “youre” is just always wrong.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13794213/1/A-Light-In-The-Darkness-Rewrite
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“We are the Silver Shurikens, assassins and bandits feared across the land!”
The parents exchanged worried glances, then the Flareon steps in front of his family and says in a measured voice “We mean you no harm, can’t you see we are peaceful?”]
“Hi, we’re the people who are hired to commit murder and also do it on our own to take their stuff!” “Don’t worry, I don’t want to fight so we can be friends!”
Being peaceful would be relevant if they’d only introduced themselves as thieves, because that leaves it open just how violent they are, but the very first part of the description was assassination. If you’re going for an attempt to talk people who introduce themselves as indiscriminate murderers for money down, it should be a little more relevant. Like something along the lines of “please, don’t kill us, we have kids” would’ve been fine, or “we don’t even have stuff worth taking from our corpses”. Then it’d be suitably evil for them to ignore this and kill the parents anyway.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13794524/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Spirit-of-Faith
[an overshadowed figure]
I’m guessing you mean a figure in shadow. Overshadowed does not mean there is a shadow over them.
“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.
[leaning onto the table his arms, also revealing his form. ]
Okay, you already described his scales and tail and the fact there was both a lightbulb and his own tail-flame illuminating him, so it really doesn’t seem like he was hidden, plus “also” means someone else already has but the shadowy female figure actually hasn’t yet.
You really seem like you’re writing this as if you’re picturing it as from a bunch of camera angles, and it really, really does not work like that in text. It’s not only bizarre and off-putting, but it makes actually trying to follow what’s going on a ridiculous headache.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13794842/1/Hybrid-Aurora-Edition
[Our story begins in Sinnoh, a land of balance. The new is not ignored, the old is not forgotten.]
…uh, a huge part of the game’s plot involves the fact people have very much forgotten a lot about the local legendaries.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.
[ And then tomorrow I can bring sis and Mom and Ma with me]
Okay, so, you’re capitalizing Mom and Ma, as you should here because those are getting used as names. Well, same applies to Sis when you’re using it in the exact same way.
[The paths were as pretty as always; warm and lighter red from being carved Heat Rocks]
Huh, that’s an idea that never occurred to me.
[And she’s a special Ninetales that can be both hot and cold! I think ma said something about her having two different Ninetales parents…? I dunno, but it’s cool! She’s got gold fur mostly but the ends of her ears and tails and her chest fluff thingy all are more white and cloudy!]
This, though, just seems like unnecessarily specialness. That isn’t how it works even for much smaller differences, so the idea you could get a fire/ice type out of it is extremely implausible.
[Ivane gave me a warm look, saying gently {Tales.} My grin just got wider, even though I didn’t know what she was saying. Why is that anyway? Pokemon know what we say, so why can’t we know what they say? It’s stupid.]
This kind of lampshading tends to just bring up plot holes. If the only problem is one person just can’t physically make the right sounds to speak, there’s other ways to communicate if anyone’s interested. Each time you have your character bring this up and claim to want to know, the stranger it is that there’s been no actual effort. Really, unless you mean to be making some sort of point about how your character thinks they care but actually just accepts this as the way the world works and isn’t interested in changing that, this isn’t a good idea.
Also, given you’re reporting the actual sounds coming out of Ivane’s mouth, you should just be using regular quotation marks.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
And with that, done with January 13th!