NaReWriMo Day 9

Some interesting stuff and not just from people I already know! Also, the fanfic contest and scoring continues.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805116/1/Eternal-War

Ah, another of these. Scoring, then.

Plot: 3/5

So, the thing about the zangoose/seviper rivalry is that zangoose win, easily, in no matter if it’s in terms of fluff, basic eyeballing, digging down to nitty-gritty mechanics, or even competitive battling popularity! (Or popularity in general – you can even see that in the character tags here, currently 53 to 26.)

Zangoose are immune to poison, unless they have their hidden ability instead, in which case their attack (already higher than seviper’s) skyrockets when poisoned. Meanwhile seviper have…shed skin, which gives them a chance of losing a status effect, which doesn’t matter because none of zangoose’s normal moves cause that, and a hidden ability that lets them get through reflect/light screen, which, again, not a thing zangoose are doing.

So seviper’s ability is useless against zangoose, while if seviper try to use their poison moves? They’re either hampered or making things worse. And almost all their attacking moves are poison. (They also know bite, but zangoose are significantly faster so they won’t be able to get a flinch, and lick, which zangoose as a normal type are immune to, and the mighty wrap, which…will keep the pokemon kicking their ass from running away. How helpful.)

Zangoose also learn slash at L19 currently, while seviper don’t get night slash until L26 and since it’s dark there’s no STAB, while at the same level the zangoose learns crush claw which is even stronger and has STAB.

The closest seviper get to an even playing field is that neither directly learn super-effective moves against each other. So zangoose merely can use STAB moves with impunity while seviper doing that risks getting them murdered faster, and also in most generations they can also learn super-effective moves by TM.

So trying to put it as the poor mammal unfairly hunted by the nasty snake doesn’t make much sense. Zangoose already get every advantage without seviper getting maligned as evil murdering bullies on top of that. Seviper being the ones getting wiped out by zangoose would’ve made far more sense, and it’d also have been more of a twist than to write a story siding with the charismatic mammal of the two. If the seviper have the zangoose running in this story, it’s because they’ve worked their poisonous tails off until they’re somehow able to win despite everything stacked against them – especially when they were up against a pokemon that’d been human-trained on top of all that. (And yes, I do know that we’re fonder of mongooses than cobras, but the one difference in the pokemon rivalry is that zangoose should be easily as deadly to humans as seviper. Any wild pokemon can be dangerous.)

It also wasn’t clear why his farm was so vulnerable to wild pokemon in the first place, or what was up with the Wilkerson involvement. (Or why, if we’re to treat seviper as like poisonous snakes that are particular dangers to humans, they’re so fine with having nests of them around.) It might’ve been better as a red herring – maybe his attempts to defend his farm are focused in the wrong place because he thinks they deliberately released pokemon over his fence and then recalled them, because they’ve both got an unreasonable rivalry.

I’m really surprised they don’t have any mutual rivalry, honestly – you’ve got a story about the conflict between the two pokemon, yet the human/human conflict is one frothing at the mouth and plotting elaborate murder and the other is just huh, those guys are kind of being dicks today.

And then suddenly dying was a really unsatisfactory ending. Especially when there’s no sense they’re out in the middle of nowhere and Dan had no choice but to stay there instead of piling the zangoose into a car and driving them to a pokecenter, or even just calling the police to come out and help.

Characters: 2/5

Wilkerson were, again, a big problem. I think you should either have expanded them further (and given a bit more motivation than that Dan, who was a farmer born there, left for a bit before returning to the family farm and doing farming, especially the idea his fancy city job was…being a trainer, a thing basically everyone tries out, and he even says he was journeying rather than living in a city. This was worth them deciding to kill him in an incredibly dangerous way?) or cut them and just have Dan happen to get in the way of what’s a normal feud between the two pokemon. It’s not even clear why anyone’d need to “rile” the seviper up when they supposedly hate zangoose all on their own.

Dan himself was unobjectionable but his only really notable trait was the seviper fear and that wasn’t really capitalized on in a meaningful way because his behavior toward the zangoose is a matter of feeling bad she’s hurt. It’s not that he’s willing to kill her until he decides the enemy of my enemy is my friend – there’s no sense he’d have acted differently without his issues about seviper. (Which gets back to why it’s tired having the already maligned pokemon be the bad guy. Someone feeling pity for a beaten snake would’ve said more about them.)

Also, there just wasn’t much sense of this living up to the title of “Eternal War”. The zangoose were being hunted, but they just seemed to want to get through the day alive. We don’t get any look at what was motivating the seviper except that the Wilkersons claimed they were manipulating the situation which means the seviper wouldn’t have been doing this otherwise. And the issue that the feud between the two farms seems completely one-sided.

Detail: 3/5

Really liked that it went into farming, but a lot of the detail didn’t add up right. There’s the Wilkerson hatred that seems completely disproportionate for anything that’s happened, and also the part where they loudly shout that they’re the bad guys who did it – I mean, were they expecting the entire family would die and no one would know what happened? Why, if it’s so easy to for pokemon to break into his farm, hasn’t this happened before? Why, if the reason his farm is targeted is because all the other farms use electric fencing, doesn’t he use it – and why is that even a factor, given the zangoose is burrowing under the fence? Would scarecrows even do anything given how much smarter pokemon are? Why doesn’t he have any other pokemon than an old linoone who doesn’t seem up to patrolling, especially when we open with the claim he’s doing well for himself and it’s because of his berries, so having more pokemon guards is affordable and would be wise? Why didn’t he just move the injured pokemon to a pokecenter that’d treat them for free instead of using all his own expensive high quality stuff on them and leaving them a target for the rampaging seviper?

Language: 4.5/5, phonic accents are awful and in this case it seems really questionable that you give them to the bad guys when they grew up in the same town.

Overall: 12.5/20

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805298/1/Profile-of-a-Pokemon-Champion-Kalos

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

And…well, that same problem keeps going. It’s a character who wanted to be a pokemon trainer but their parents said no but their parents just said yes. It’s the opening of the XY. Etc. You’ve even got a title that does nothing but spoil that he’s definitely going to get all the badges, challenge the elite four, and become champion, when the only possibly interesting thing to do with that is the possibility something might come up to derail that standard trajectory.

I’d like to say the idea of someone who knows a bunch about pokemon care is promising, but I see that an opening quirk that goes nowhere all the time and you don’t follow up on it in this chapter at least – the descriptions of the starter pokemon are the standard what this species looks like by default, with nothing about if they’re in good/poor health or otherwise personalized to them. (And that he doesn’t know them will hamper his ability to do that – but in that you’re the one who gave him a potential ability then kept it from being used, and there should be some things that are relatively general he could be picking out.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805358/1/The-Battle-of-X-and-Y

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Eugh, Bond this, friendship that. When is anybody going to learn that Pokemon are battle machines and only battle machines? Pokemon shouldn’t be used for anything but Battles! Friendship and Bonds are useless against brute strength!” The younger man complained in irritation and bitterness. “I’ll show you exactly how ruthless Tyranitar can be!”

“And we’ll show you how wrong you are to disregard the partnership shared between Pokemon.” Diantha said in retaliation against the man’s threatening nature, holding her keystone tightly within her palm. “Beyond Evolution! Mega Evolve!”]

The thing is, if you’re arguing right makes might, then, well, you’re arguing that you should only be a decent person because you, personally, benefit from it.

If he wins here, does that make it morally right to abuse pokemon? How much of a partnership can Diantha possibly have if her best argument for not beating her gardevoir is just that it’s mechanically suboptimal? If he does win, will Diantha shrug and pull out a whip because welp, guess that’s now objectively the right way to treat pokemon?

[“You need to end your harmful behaviour against your Pokemon and maybe you’ll find that you’ll be much stronger if you know them better.” Diantha frowned softly at this, hoping that some of her words could get through to this wrong-doing man.]

Seriously. “It pains me to see you not living up to your potential because abusing someone innocent doesn’t work as well! You could be so much stronger!”

…and then it’s a soon-to-be-trainer standing around staring out the window.

Do people stare out windows and think things? Sure. Is it particularly riveting to read about? No. Do people chat about nothing much with their friends? Yup. Is that particularly riveting to read? Again, no. If there’s anything actually worth spending time with Jade for, get to it already.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805684/1/Shine-on-a-new-adventure

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” and sometimes used itself for speech, so it makes it look like their internal monologue is getting spoken out loud. Italics alone is more than enough.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805697/1/My-Pokemon-Journey

Your title should say something about your story beyond that it’s fanfic.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ Pokemon egg./span/p]

Look at what you’ve uploaded before posting to catch this sort of thing.

[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]

This is unnecessary and the uneven length is sloppy looking.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13805817/1/The-black-sheep

Capitalize your title properly.

Centering all your text makes it harder to read.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[For starters, the ‘reconstruction’ of his legs made it hard for him to run. He hadn’t even walked very much with these digitigrade type legs, so he had little practice. Running away was still an instinct though, despite the fact that he couldn’t do it well.]

I mean, new legs are different and I can see that being something of a problem, but the fact is digitigrade legs are better in just about every way. And it’s not that different. Try standing on tiptoe and running. Works fine.

(Also, not sure what he is but if it’s actually a wooloo and that’s why the title’s about a sheep, they’re not digitigrade. Sheep walk on their nails, unguligrade. If that’s it, it’d also be more understandable he’s struggling to move in them, because trying to balance on hooves at the end of pointed toes is going to be much weirder of a change.)

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[ it’s form ]

“It’s” means “it is”, “its” is possessive.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806109/1/sample-size

[N nodded solemnly. “Mathematically, we need a larger sample.”]

Yes. This is what all of N’s talk about mathematics should’ve been leading to!

[But, as far as anyone could legally prove, either N or Hilda was the champion, and as long as they both refused to settle that, they could occupy the champion’s chambers for as long as they saw fit. The castle was a matter for Plasma’s legal team.

(It was a poorly-phrased rule, Alder had realized immediately. But unfortunately the petition process to change league by-laws required a committee vote, and unfortunately only the champion had the power to call committee meetings, so … )]

Yes! Regulations!!!

You know, it’s probably that I don’t really have any sense of standards anymore, but just the fact people are following existing rules even when it doesn’t benefit them makes it seem like things can’t be that bad. If they do manage to change any official rules people will actually follow them maybe!

[“The world trends towards justice,” she found herself saying, even though N was already nodding along to Zekrom’s words. “It has to be. Otherwise … wouldn’t it just be a fool’s errand to keep going?”]

I do think this doesn’t really follow as a conclusion. And it also doesn’t really tie back to their statistics thing. What she’s got is evidence change is possible but that she doesn’t know which direction is dominant or if there even is a direction and not just randomness, and definitely not why or what other factors there are. I think it might make more sense for them to conclude they don’t have enough data yet and set out to do further experiments – catalogue their attempts to change things and then see what happens to that change over time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806158/1/A-Region-That-Is-Not-My-Own

[The only real thing of note to track in this fic is that I did change the starting age of Pokemon trainers to being 16 instead of 10, because I personally find it much easier to write from the perspective of a teenager over that of a small child.]

The solution to this is to write about an experienced trainer, not try to pretend there’s much tension to whether or not a sixteen year old will be able to safely manage something preteens can.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Pallet Town was the place that people began and ended their Pokémon journeys, but not where they stayed. I thought.]

It is not, at all. You’re taking the way things worked for one character and assuming that’s some sort of universal law that needs to be repeated for everyone, ignoring how in every form of canon it’s explained that no, you/Ash start in Pallet because that’s where you live, and how from a storytelling standpoint starting somewhere because that’s where you are and having to roll with whatever that gets you is a lot more interesting than having a mandatory start point that just so happens to be the same mandatory start point every other fic went with already.

It’s especially weird when you go through this elaborate runaround just so Professor Oak can hand him the pokemon his dad bought him.

[I bowed my head, and held the Pokédex back out to the Pokémon Professor. “I am planning on being a champion, someone who trains hard and wins. I can’t do that if I’m out catching every Pokémon I see. Not only would it distract from my training, but I don’t think I could stomach capturing Pokémon that I wasn’t planning on raising myself.”]

And again – valid, but then why is there this endless conversation with Oak in the first place? This is almost seven thousand words and your final line is the character about to walk out of Pallet. You spend all this time on stuff that absolutely doesn’t matter. Why speculate on which possible father his spheal inherited a move from, especially when it makes no sense to think an expensive breeder would be limited to pokemon found within the region when this very fic has your character in Kanto getting handed a pokemon that does not exist in the region?

[Now, I am not necessarily one to request OCs from other people, but I am open to having people submit character ideas to help populate this region! If anyone would like to drop a review or PM that includes a character name, description of their person and personality, and two pokemon that they would have, I am more than willing to consider writing them in at some point.]

This will go horribly for you. Characters should only be showing up when there’s some purpose to them in the story. Your region does not need to be populated with random filler, it needs what people you do show to matter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806404/1/War-and-Pok%C3%A9mon

[ Reversely, even though the level of comprehension and thought capacity were much greater in humans rather than Pokémon, say for a few exceptions, many found themselves powerless to enforce any of the cognitive abilities that had strategized.]

This fic is word salad. Focus on actually communicating with your reader instead of failing at writing a textbook.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806749/1/Invitation-to-a-Ghost-Rave

Huh.

So, on the one hand, this is neat. I’m trying to figure out how I’d describe it – magical realism? But that tends to imply an extra gloss over reality, when this is more something very unreal getting treated matter of factly. There’s a dream element to how wild everything is and how everyone just rolls with it. Also, I like how the litwick keeps hinting it’s a less than safe guide, but they roll with that too and it ultimately turns out they really are far more experienced and were guiding and protecting the litwick.

On the other… Doesn’t really feel pokemony and having the roles of ghosts and ghouls filled by recognizable monsters just feels a bit constrained. The very end does try to tie it into the whole trainer thing, but the very end is a sudden swerve that doesn’t really live up to the rest of it. I think you could improve this as /fanfic/ if you made being a trainer/getting a pokemon more front and center…but I think it wouldn’t be as good a romp that way, because what you’ve got now focused on the trip and the party is a lot more fun.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806836/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Fire-Prophecy

[but when some black guys come to ruin the peace]

I think you should consider your phrasing here.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“And then you had me” I finished the story, wagging my lit tail. My dad smiled and replied:

“Yeah, and soon after we had you my little Charmander” he said as he rubbed his face against mine.]

So the way you should split this up is

[“And then you had me” I finished the story, wagging my lit tail.

My dad smiled and replied: “Yeah, and soon after we had you my little Charmander” he said as he rubbed his face against mine.]

Put the narration about the person speaking with their speech.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806855/1/The-Abandoned-Gym

Eh, this feels kind of like cheating? A clever theory is one that plausibly fits with what we’re given in canon, not saying that actually what we’re told in canon by source after source is completely wrong and therefore it’s cool, like [They were so gullible, and so loyal by now, they would probably even believe him if he told them they could make money selling slowpoke tails, a delicacy which had no taste and no one wanted, harvested from a pokemon that couldn’t feel pain and would just grow another tail anyways.] And [It was the marowak incident which had made him reconsider. He frowned as he thought back on it. That one, he regretted. He had told his grunts to catch ghosts, not to make them. It was an unfortunate collateral damage]? They were selling cubone skulls because they’re valuable. Really hard to see how someone accidentally misinterprets being told to catch ghosts as being told to chop pokemon up to sell. It’s also a weird choice if this was supposed to be about an antagonist but the fic is all about how he, somehow, isn’t actually one.

[He found a promising up-and-coming young trainer, and he sent grunts after his pikachu, which for some reason he never bothered to evolve. “There’s something special about that pikachu,” he told them. “Get it for me.”]

They decide that (it’s because they miss that Ash used the remains of Misty’s bike to supercharge Pikachu). And getting canon right here would actually better fit with what you’re proposing. Letting his employees come up with a stupid idea and then greenlighting it would be a great way to keep them busy without risking anyone questioning their orders. Even if people start questioning each other’s stupid ideas, that can be deflected into making them argue with each other.

[It was comical how big and bad they thought they were, selling pokemon in the Game Corner to people who didn’t have the guts or the skill to capture them wild, and would probably make them into pampered house pets. True, they raked in a killing on that, and he made sure that reflected itself in his immaculately-tailored suits and patent leather shoes.]

If it was that simple, why does it just happen to be a criminal organization doing it? We’re told they steal those pokemon (and specifically from the Safari Zone, which appears to the legitimate business way of doing it) which presumably reduces the cost to them by a lot, and they’re not actually selling, they’re running a casino, and in the game you get the item you need to play by an NPC sobbing about how he’s been ruined from losing all his money. The only way casinos help instead of harm is in generating jobs for the employees, and that doesn’t apply if it’s getting staffed by your criminal underlings instead – especially if, as you say, he also made a point of paying them peanuts, so they’re not even putting some of the money back into the local economy indirectly by spending their own paychecks.

I think if you want to argue that Giovanni was secretly trying to stop Mewtwo and make Fuji pay for his crimes, you either need to go a lot more in on him saying the ends justify the means and be willing to do horrible things for money because he needs the money to fight a shadow war (maybe expand a bit on how Team Rocket seems to assume conflict between humans and pokemon as a justification), or say that the “Giovanni” seen is actually some dude who replaced the original Giovanni quite recently using the fact Giovanni could be pretty reclusive to keep anyone from finding out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806890/1/For-Ocean

Plot: 4/5

The individual scenes each had their own setup and resolution, and they also added up to an ongoing narrative. My quibble here is I was underwhelmed by where that ongoing narrative ended up.

Characters: 3/5 Serviceable, I guess?

[I come to you in time of need, for Ocean is my heart.

The little Goldeen was so happy, she rushed forward and bumped nose to nose with the Lapras. She could tell that they were friends now, and that wouldn’t change even if they never ever saw each other again.

“Goldeen!” she cried out, and then her whole family joined in.

“Goldeen! Goldeen! Goldeen!”]

It’s really weird that you go through the trouble of making the lapras capable of speaking to humans – unnecessarily so, really, since her actions make it clear and none of them engage with what she’s saying, so it would be fine for that to be just for the reader’s eyes – yet the goldeen aren’t capable of being understood when this scene is happening entirely between pokemon.

Also the lapras herself is almost entirely a cipher. She’s motivated entirely by another, and while the reveal that she’s not acting for a personified ocean but an actual person named Ocean was a poetic twist, it’s one that just makes everything hazier – the character actually causing everything to happen is dead and beyond the reader.

I did find it interesting that her mourning at the grave is harmful to her – she nearly beaches herself getting as close as she can and then stays until the sun’s baked her. And her behavior the rest of the fic doesn’t seem all that personally healthy – it’s a great boon to those she rescues, but the way she talks in conjunction with this suggest that’s all she focuses on. Is she unable to move on and hurting herself with this behavior? We know lapras normally have pods and she appears to be on her own, and animals that live in pods usually do so for a reason and have horrible survival rates on their own. Alternatively, she could be significantly stronger than any lapras normally gets if that’s how training works, and her rescuing others is more of a giving back thing because she no longer has to be particularly worried about her own survival.

Overall, getting more into who she is and what her decision to try to act according to Ocean’s wishes means for her life would’ve helped.

Detail: 3/5

I found it confusing what exactly was going on with the goldeen – why was it dark? What did they need rocks or corals for?

[Mnutes later, puffing and panting and soaking but alive, curled up on the shore with his darling Mantine, the man looked into the eyes of his savior.

The soft brown eyes of the Lapras stared back at him from the water’s edge. They were calm and compassionate.”You saved me,” the man gasped, tears streaming from his eyes. “Us, her, you saved her, you saved…”]

Mantine are water pokemon. She was only getting hurt because of him. It would make a lot more sense to use a pokemon that can’t breathe underwater. There’s non-water types that can learn surf, like furret.

But I liked the variety of scenes in this.

Language: 2/5

The bit I quoted above has a spelling error, which is pretty basic. You also repeat words a lot. However, I didn’t find any of it confusing to follow, and the ocean/Ocean thing was a fair bit of misdirection.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Overall: 12/20

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13806945/1/Seasonal

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

[Lumiose city]

Also, if both parts of something are a name, both parts are capitalized.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

[“I said, what if you were to become her trainer?”

“What, why me?”

“Well you found her and brought her here to be healed, besides you know about her condition and can try helping her through it and isn’t it every ten year olds dream to be a pokemon trainer?”

“No.” Gyles responded flatly “Pokemon training is the last thing on my mind.”

“What.” It was Nurse Joy’s turn to exclaim her confusion as she turned to look quizzically at the boy. “why not? Pokemon are amazing creatures even if you don’t battle, simply having them as companions has changed lives for many people.”

“So I’ve been told, my family doesn’t approve much of pokemon training, more specifically my father’s family. They see it as an unsustainable job where if you succeed you can go far, but if you fail, you fail hard, and there is no safety net to catch you at the bottom of that fall.”

“Even so many people of all levels of experience are able to make a living through pokemon training, you don’t need to be the champion to succeed, hundreds if not thousands make it every yea-”

“Yes Nurse Joy hundreds and thousands of trainers, and I’d be what, one in the masses, what are my chances of standing out then. Of finding a way to create a stable income and a living for myself outside of battling, what if the only trainers who agree to battle me are stronger than me and all I can do is lose and lose and lose, worse yet by then end of it all I’m not just responsible for my futures, but the futures of my team. I can’t let people down like that.”]

This is a ridiculous thing to try to make into a conflict. The distinction is not trainer/nontrainer, it’s pokemon that belong to a human or not. Tons of humans have pokemon without being professional trainers. Those people bring them to pokecenters just like trainers do. Moreover, you’re doing all this in a flashback after you’ve established he has the deerling in the present, so it’s not like the contrived setup is even because there’s an ounce of tension to be milked.

The only actual thing this seems to accomplish is so people can give speeches about how much they care about pokemon and how much he personally does, all of which sounds so incredibly fake. People who actually care about things do stuff, they don’t just talk about how they have the approved opinions! It would’ve been a lot more meaningful if the Nurse Joy had just told him that unfortunately this deerling has a genetic disorder that makes her sickly and unable to survive in the wild, and even in captivity she’d a great deal of care and attention from him, and then he agrees.

And also he agrees and then has to actually put in effort and money, instead of it instead of holding out to get awesome things thrown at him.

[“Yes you are correct in that Deerling’s condition is worrying, as is your son’s lack of qualification, however I have prepared solutions to both issues that, with your approval could make this work, and make it very easy on all of us. You see your backyard looks significantly underused and relatively spacious, I’d be willing to fund a replica of my own labs biodome here, one that would let both Deerling and Gyles interact safely and work together without disturbing or endangering anyone else or themselves and regarding Gyles trainer license. As a regional professor I’m allowed to give out scholarships of a sort. Normally these go to promising young trainers and they’re awarded with a pokedex and a starter pokemon as well as a place to safely store their pokemon at my lab, however as Gyles will not be journeying he has no need of a pokedex, and a starter pokemon would be overkill if he were to take in Deerling. I propose that I offer Gyles a sponsorship where in return for data I would collect on Deerling and him taking down observations on my behalf I would be willing to financially and legally support him, this would also lead to him obtaining a junior researchers license the moment the ink dried on the paper and it would thus be legal for him to own Deerling as his pokemon.”
Gyles’ father seemed shocked at the amount of investment someone of Professor Juniper’s stature was willing to put into his son and one pokemon. ]

Seriously, this does the complete opposite of making me think he’s a good and selfless person. Juniper is, clearly. I’d read a fic about her.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807136/1/The-Curious-Incident-of-the-Scarf-in-the-Night-Time

This is lovely and fascinating.

[“A bandana, perhaps? Any cloth, knotted around her neck or legs?” When the stranger remained silent, Ma nodded and said, “I suspected as much. Set your heart at ease. It was a feral amaura. Probably got itself killed in a territorial fight.”]

I like how slowly it gets going. She doesn’t say that the ferals can be abused with impunity, but that crime is a matter of feral on feral violence. And the shift from “she” to “it” with the confirmation.

[“Perhaps we need to reinforce the walls again.”

“Or send another raiding party,” someone muttered.]

And yet, their response to the idea a feral killed another feral includes going out to attack them. Again, apparently.

[Scout shrugged, the hot feeling still coursing through her. Her breath was coming fast. “There’s one of me and three of you and you’re attacking me. Who’s next?”

She raised her paws again.

“Ugh, you’re no fun,” said Racer with a scowl. “If you won’t play properly, what’s the point? Let’s check out the solstice preparations. I bet there’s some good food out by now.”

The three of them took off towards the clearing, Scout trailing behind. She felt annoyed with her friends and with herself at the same time. Explorers and Ferals was always more fun for the explorers. That was just how it went. She should have sucked it up and played along.]

Also love this.

There’s a very nice unfolding to it all – the trajectory is broadly clear, but the details develop it all wonderfully.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807456/1/Lonely-Flowers

The start of a sentence should be capitalized, and there needs to be punctuation at the end of it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807507/1/A-Temporarily-Untitled-Pokemon-Fanfic

I really feel you could’ve waited until you worked out what the title was before posting.

[ and fought to dismantle the terrorist group known as Team Rocket]

They’re not a terrorist group. They’re organized crime.

[Jhoto]

Johto.

[as pikachu watched his trainer slumber]

Any time you’re using a word as a person’s name, you capitalize it like any other name.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“So, have you two decided what region you are traveling to next?” he questioned.]

“Questioned” isn’t a good synonym for “asked”. It’s what police do to suspects.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807528/1/Beautiful-Dreamers

[A Caterpie]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[When he lifted up his pokéball, Charmander shook its head and stretched its arms forward insistently.]

Aw, cute. You do a good job throughout of showing he really cares about his pokemon.

[ “Are your Mrs. Mayberry?”]

You.

[Tristan laughed and choked wildly. “Ah, rookies! Rookies never change!”

Gray felt his stomach steadily curdle as he watched the Rattata flail against the Rock-type’s hard, brown body. ]

I like this as well – there’s a lot more to not succeeding than just not being good at raising pokemon or memorizing type matchups.

[“This is the PPL, the Psychotronic Pulse Link,” said Professor Oak, setting it down inside a small metal case along a paper booklet and an official-looking card. “My associate, Professor Mahogany, is in Cerulean Cave right now studying Psychic-type pokémon. He can use this to track the wavelengths of their psychic energies. He can even figure out how strong they are, or even if they are a specific species, as well as send out signals to attract pokémon.”

“Cerulean Cave?” said Gray. “But—”]

Ooh, but indeed.

And I really like that Oak’s pep talk about still being a trainer so long as he had his pokemon wasn’t “go and do trainer stuff again!” but “you’re actually treating them well and that’s what matters!” This is one of the only fics I’ve seen that hasn’t felt like being trapped on a train as it thunders through an inevitable series of mandatory trainer milestones not stopping until it plows into Champion Station.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807532/1/kun%C4%81ne

Lovely lovely lovely.

Ah, what to say knowing that there’s a chunk of people who’ll see this before they see the story?

[“We don’t need the compass,” I mutter sullenly. This is our spot. We know the way by heart, and so does Pounamu.

“Don’t be so sure. You never know when we’re gonna lose ourselves.”

I roll my eyes; he has a way of weaving something poetic into the most mundane of statements.

“Fine. Would it make you feel better if I instead told you that ninety percent of outdoor search and rescues are performed because day hikers don’t bring proper equipment?”

He’s smiling, a little, but for some reason I can’t. “Not in particular,” I mutter. Something about his statement is wrong; it doesn’t fit together, like a puzzle with five corner pieces. ]

The slow, slow build of this. There’s the sense all isn’t well almost from the start, as it becomes more and more apparent that the problem crawling out of bed is in fact a problem, and just when you’re thinking okay, depression, yeah, there’s this, that there’s something else happening too. And then you fall back into the rhythm, and the concern for the more obvious hidden problem, and then…

Well, did not see that coming yet it did fit in perfectly like a beautifully made puzzle.

Since the main pokemon here’s a lapras, you could submit this to that pokemonfanfiction reddit contest! Or, I guess, the other one about truth and ideals and systemic injustice that manages to be so much perkier than this, since non-evolving legendaries still count.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807543/1/Pokemon-The-Pokemon-Kid-The-remake

Nonstory chapters are banned, and this is a perfect example of why.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807548/1/Pearlshipping-Kalos-Tour

[1000 word or less drabbles.]

Drabble is a word for a story that’s precisely a hundred words long.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13807744/1/Adentures-in-Other-World

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Professor Kukui was accompanied by the sound of rain as he explained to his class, “There are theories that our world was created by a god like Pokemon called Arceus,]

That’s not how theories work.

[Kukui smiled, “That is correct Sophocles. Mythical Mew is said to possess the DNA that could be the origin of every living pokemon…”]

This is seriously not how a supposed scientist should be running a class. Just the fact you’re insisting on calling it “mythical” every time alone should make that clear.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13808105/1/Journeys-Ashes-and-Dangers

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Ash didn’t know. Nor did he know if this was a dream or not. He really hoped it was. After all, he wasn’t exactly a stranger to weird and surreal dreams before.

Then again, he did always have a bad habit of confusing reality with dreams…]

Yeah, this whole fic felt incredibly surreal. I’m not really sure right now what you were going for and if it was intended to be quite as weird as I took it (like the part where he asks how long it’ll be and the flight attendant doesn’t know, the other flight attendant then implies she does know of course because people on a plane should know that but the conversation goes through several digressions instead of answering as if she or the overall narrative are hiding that she doesn’t know or that there is no answer at all) but it was definitely extremely novel and I was curious and interested right to the end.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13808243/1/A-different-perspective

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym. That also applies words like “mom” and “dad” – if they’re being used as a person’s name, they’re capitalized, if they’re not, they’re not.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Sometimes Meowth wondered why oh why he had to be a talking Pokémon, No he knew it was good for his teammates being able to talk to pokemon so they could steal them. But in other cases it just became a nuisance. As a team like plenty of villains who were competing with them. Would go ahead and try to steal him.]

You have commas between complete sentences and periods in the middle of sentences. Proofread better and get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13808260/1/Starfall

[ I pray that my eye-catching curves and librarian-esque attire are adequately hidden in the roominess of my trench coat. ]

This is a bizarre way of talking about yourself, and also if she thinks her clothing is too distinctive, she could always have worn a different outfit.

This is far too short for a first chapter. You end the moment anything happens. A proper cliffhanger gets people invested first before cutting off, it isn’t just nothing much happening and then the promise that maybe that’ll change.

And on that note, we end this month!

One Comment

  1. GijinkaVerse Writer says:
    Not enough PM action this month for a post?

    It feels the same with reviews whenever people try original stuff. It makes me think that authors should beg for reviews like some sort of Youtuber.

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