October Carapaces Day 1

So Snowman avoids any appearances to be wrecked in but another fic just piles sexism and character hate on other characters instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10787943/1/The-Haunted-Hive-Session (FOC (FOC, MOC))

[This is a Fic]

So, the only things you should capitalize are proper nouns, which are the unique names of people, places and things. In general, if there’s an “a” or “the” there, it’s not a proper noun.

[As the 6 hours download neared it’s completion]

Write out numbers with letters.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

[“Green: Heyo Bith”]

This is horrible formatting. Quotation marks are for speech. Using them when a character’s using a chat program is bad enough, putting them around the whole of a line to include the speaker is awful.

[Rather, the orb took the shape of a ghost of sorts, with her sister’s face and the nubby horns of some troll-like beast.
“Karklofsprite: HEY FUCKFACE, IT’S ME, YOUR LOVING SISTER”]

It really doesn’t make sense that she’d be have a picture of Karkat and not know what playing Sburb involves.

[Marlog smashed the banana against the door frame, snapping it in two. ]

Item destruction is supposed to be accomplished in a way that makes sense with the object, not just destroying it at random. Otherwise there’d be no point in having individual objects in the first place.

Skimmed through, saw no sign of carapaces and it looked pretty boring.


Four

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10799179/1/Cycles (Dave (Karkat, WV, Terezi, Rose and Kanaya are mentioned in passing as author’s named StarsofYaoi and evidently into living up to the stereotype.))

[The tragic loss of his shades isn’t really an earth shattering disaster –they are just his spare ones, after all– but he’s left somewhat shaky because of that, and because he was lucky he wasn’t wearing his original ones. ]

I realize that the fact they can get item codes to replicate anything cuts down on a lot of plots you can do about items…but the fact they can get item codes to replicate anything makes this plot inane. Even if all the shades are destroyed, all he has to do is input the code again. Even if he forgot despite how important this is to him, he could just go to the past and find out the code.

[But Dave really needs a friend, and the Mayor is silent but understanding, and even if there are misunderstandings, he considers him a good friend, and he really needed that.]

WV is so understanding except for the misunderstandings that might be happening? I guess absent-minded condescension as friendship is IC.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10805379/1/Book-Of-Midnight-Secrets (SS (CD, HB, DD))

Blocked, reviewed them before I think. You’d think people would at least be butchering dialogue a bit less.


Twelve, asking people to request things appears to still work for reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10802921/1/Bloodhounds (Fin, Trace, Scratch)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[It wasn’t long until Scratch appeared in the doorway, a slim man marginally shorter than Trace. ]

Given the original version is a plush doll with a big head, would he really be particularly slim?

Listen, you do a fic with nothing to engage with but how you’ve humanizing characters, you’re not going to get more than idle thoughts about how best to humanize the characters. See also Bill Cipher.


Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10805741/1/Make-Them-the-Members-of-the-Midnight-Crew (Aradia (SS, CD, HB, DD, Karkat, Tavros, Sollux, Terezi, Vriska))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[All of them muttering in groups crowding around the newspaper. Except for one lone figure.  ]

Your sentences are rather fragmented.

[Aradia Megido always knew her dad wasnt like others.  ]

Apostrophes for contractions.

[Mr. Deuces ]

Deuce.

[Having her “Uncles” over  ]

If it’s not a name or being used in place of one, it’s not a proper noun and shouldn’t be capitalized.

Write out numbers with letters.

[when your in a wheelchair ]

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”. Generally, this is a disaster, proofread better and get a beta reader.

[Aradia was mostly used as a distraction a majority of the time. She hated that. But thats what happens when there’s 7 other men and your almost legal age. ]

No, it isn’t, because bisexuality and homosexuality exist and all the characters you’ve turned human in this are okay with that. Also, Aradia was by far a better combatant than Tavros when both of them were fine and dead she was a nearly unstoppable powerhouse, the fact one of them is male should not be the beginning and end of who’s fighting and who’s the distraction, what the hell.

[At 24 the first of the crew fell. Tavros found his father in his bed. Died peacefully. Slick laughed. How unlike a Midnight Crew member.  ]

If none of them have died before this and the first one just died peacefully, it’s not really unlike them, is it.

[Aradia was 25 when her father finally passed away. Word got out quickly. The Scourge Sister where waiting for their opening and took it.
Turns out they wernt smart enough to rebuild the Felt after many of them retired or died off. It was 2 against 4.]

Since when did Terezi and Vriska together become incompetent buffoons? You realize everyone on the other side bar Karkat had their lives wrecked by Vriska alone for in a series of spur of the moment decisions, and Terezi’s better at this than her.

[“Whats the good word?” Aradia said, laughing when Tavros jumped out of his seat from the surprise.]

Well. This sure is terrible.

Try harder or at least try to be less grossly misogynist.

Christ.


Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10816892/1/The-Adventures-of-the-Abelins (MOC (MOC, MOC))

[Every child is born with two things in mind. One, the desire to suck upon their mother’s teat. ]

So…your character appears to be a troll, and therefore no, pretty sure they aren’t born desiring to nurse.

[Yo recognized the  ]

Proofreading.

Also, this is a whole lot of nothing. A first chapter should get into actual story stuff, not just vague mumblings of future destiny that are no different than the vague mumblings of future destiny in every other fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10816892/2/The-Adventures-of-the-Abelins (MOC (FOC, OCs))

[So why did they fight one another? Brothers do not fight brothers in the wild, they help each other. ]

What? Seriously?

[The smaller was not prey to the largers ]

No, I’m pretty sure that is exactly how it works in the wild. Also, your grammar is terrible.

[the smaller should not have to fight her kinship ]

It totally works that way. Do you not get what “the wild” is?

Species that work together in organized groups are a minority, and even among those almost all use violence to determine ranking.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10824382/1/Aurora-Academy-Enter-Medium (FOC (OCs))

Another fic that gets nowhere. Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10827332/2/LightStuck-Beta (FOC)

Ditto. And also zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10830011/1/Aurora-Academy-Enter-Medium-One-Shot (FOC (Dirk))

Random scene from the fic that never updated, also zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10832646/1/There-s-more-than-one-way-to-stab (Bec Noir (Bro, Terrible Decisions))

[Jack was just kind of flying around, looking for someone to probably stab. Stabbing was just a fun thing that he liked to do with people. There was just something about the motion of stabbing someone that was fun to do. It wasn’t even really about killing anyone, just stabbing them.
Even with his new dog features, Jack still really liked to stab people. The snout and the ears didn’t really get in the way of stabbing. In fact, having the nose he did actually helped him find more people that he could actually stab. He could smell people from pretty much a mile away.
He suddenly caught the scent of someone bellow him. Would it be someone that he could stab?]

The fact NaNo so often *results* in bad writing doesn’t actually *excuse* the bad writing. You’re still the one who chose to upload it without editing it into a less awful form.

[He kind of had a bit cock, but it was nothing compared. To the new one Jack got with the ring that he put on. ]

Seriously. Proofread.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10840223/1/Design-of-Fate (FOC (OC))

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[You love watching movies, however on your measly $12-an-hour pay; you cannot afford to fund this addiction. ]

…uh. $12 is actually pretty good, especially for a seventeen year old, and should absolutely be enough for the occasional movie ticket, plus if you go on to point out your character just watches movies online, then they don’t need any money for movies so what they can afford or not is irrelevant to that point.

[Your rent each month is rather low at about $590 per month, and your bills bring your expenses up to $700, leaving you with $884 for groceries and other things. You live off the basics though, putting almost $600 in the bank every month. ]

So how exactly is $12 an hour measly and how can they not afford movies?

[and provided you get the $3-an-hour raise that your employer gives to the best employee of the year at Christmas ]

I think you’re thinking of the Christmas bonus, not raise, and also oh my god who hands out a $3 raise to someone these days? Why is your character whining about their life when they live in a fairytale land of living wages and raises that aren’t measured in spare change?

And now the chat text is all centered because making chat annoying to read for no reason is required for any OC sburb fic.

[the Manila envelope ]

Only capitalize unique names of individual things. In general, if there’s an “a” or “the” in front, it’s not capitalized.

Zero. Author’s profile identifies them as a high school junior who presumably never tried to get a job.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10857805/1/Schoolstuck (MOC (MOCs))

[ It is exactly like any other day that he would have school, which is to say, extremely boring and tedious.  ]

Okay, so, you did better than usual in trying to liven things up with stupid commands, but bear in mind the opening of Homestuck is a string of stupid commands with bonus pictures and funny descriptions and that’s still widely hated. It’s generally wiser to just not start things at a point you admit is extremely boring and tedious.

You don’t need to show them being in school or saying they want to play the game. People already know this. Nothing stops you from jumping right in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10857805/2/Schoolstuck

Oh my god they’re still just talking.

[I tried to slow this one down a bit ]

WHY

Chapter 12 is titled “A Game is Played” so apparently it takes that long to even start. Twenty-one reviews, surprisingly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10857875/1/Lachan-Gamblr-and-the-Vampire-s-Medallion

Nonstory chapters are banned and writing crap on purpose doesn’t make it a parody or do anything else to change the fact it’s still crap.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10862873/1/The-Homestuck-Character-Support-Group-Volume-2

Nonstory chapters are banned and posting character bios is a waste of everyone’s time.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10866408/1/New-Alterna-Series

lrn2troll

Four fucking idiots.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10866432/1/A-Truly-Great-Evening (SS)

Just because something is odd doesn’t mean you don’t have to bother also making it good.

What is with this fandom and thinking that crack is valid just on the basis of being crack? One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10869337/1/Heirstuck (John (Jade, Dad, SS, Eridan))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[The man shifts his weight. “That might be the warmest welcome I’ve received in a long time. Sorry to bother you two out here all by your lonesome, but like you said I’m not quite in my element out here and I’ve been walking on my own for quite some time and I hate to impose-”
“No no, it will be no problem at all. Me and my son have just sat down for dinner, would you care to join us?”
“Well I would be absolutely delighted to.”]

This is really, really not how Slick behaves. It’s maybe how how DD or HB might act, at a stretch.

This one oddly has a strong carapace presence but they seem to just be treated as random OCs. Zero reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10870937/1/Houselocked

[A huge homestuck fan convinces her friends to play SBURB REBOOT with her. ]

Okay, so Homestuck ought to be capitalized, and also why would someone who knows what Sburb is think this is a good idea?

And the rest is just once again, people babbling without actually starting the game and feeling uneasy despite there being no suspense for the readers because we already know what the game is and why this is a bad idea.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10870937/3/Houselocked (FOCs, MOCs)

[GS: Aww man! You blocked the hallway!
SK: We’re out of buildgrist. And about the hallway, I’m sorry but It’s stuck…
GS: Aww grate! Now my mom’s going to be angry!
SK: I’m sorry okay!]

Why does she care, she knows her mom is going to die soon as a result of playing this game.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10872338/1/Champions-of-RASP (MOC)

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Don’t capitalize random words, either.

Zero.


So, mostly OCs, six FOC and five MOC, FOCs continue to buck the otherwise unstoppable trend. Of our non-OC stuff, six out of seven feature male viewpoint characters and the one we do have hates women so, so much.

3 Comments

  1. illhousen says:
    “Listen, you do a fic with nothing to engage with but how you’ve
    humanizing characters, you’re not going to get more than idle thoughts
    about how best to humanize the characters. See also Bill Cipher.”

    I think human-ish Bill would look something like that:
    https://www.animecharactersdatabase.com/uploads/chars/4758-1239031557.jpg
    Only yellow.

    Or maybe like a Monopoly Man. I mean, his whole design is based on the NWO pyramid, with typical conspiracy associations, so…

    (On related note, the realization that there is slash with Bill kinda broke my mind. Just… why?)

    1. Farla says:
      See, the slash itself I get, he’s really powerful and he has canonical interest in the involved characters. And he does have a top hat and gets described as a classy guy.

      The part where BillDip is one third of the fandom on AO3 and the next popular ship is just the pair the spares sideship found in those fics and fandom has settled on how he’s always supposed to look… That’s not the kind of weird I was expecting, Gravity Falls.

      But mostly it just bugs me he’s always wearing an eyepatch. If it’s a body he made somehow, he explicitly said he likes having two eyes and I know everyone knows that because the gif is everywhere! If it’s a humanized representation of him, why is cyclops Bill the rare outlier, why would one central eye somehow mean two eyes but missing one?

      AND HOW IS HE POSSIBLY A THREAT IN THAT SHARED MONSTER AU WHERE HE GETS TURNED INTO A HUMAN? BILL WOULD DIE WITHIN HOURS OF BEING HUMAN AND WITHIN MINUTES IF HE HAD A RIFLE WITH HIM! WHY WON’T YOU THINK FOR FIVE SECONDS, FANDOM???

      1. illhousen says:
        Hm, I guess I can see the appeal. It’s just when I ventured into Gravity Falls fandom for the first time, I saw someone complain about prevalence of slash, which puzzled me for a moment. My thoughts went something like that:

        “That’s weird. Not that the main characters being preteens ever stopped anyone, but who Dipper can possibly be paired with? Most male characters there are either caricatures or otherwise lack the slash appeal. Soos and Stan are out of the question, teenager boys have little appeal, Gideon is designed to be repulsive in a way that’s not easy to twist around… I guess one of the boys Mable crushed on could work, but they all have some in-built problems that would normally see them going, and…

        Oh, shit, it’s Bill, isn’t it.”

        And there went the remnants of my faith in humanity.

        I mean, slash in general is fine. Most of it is shit, but the same applies to het, and occasionally there is a fic that actually handles a relationship well, mostly the ones that keep it as a sub-plot.

        But damn it, Bill is a cool inhuman villain with shady agenda, and it really peeves me to see his character butchered.

        That he’s humanized on top of it is just disappointing. At least imagining a yellow flat triangle in romantic setting is funny.

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