October Carapaces Day 2

Worked through December.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10875227/1/The-Exiles (WV)

[ These weren’t the lush landscapes that he had known for years, when he had lived peacefully and without a care in the world. ]

You mean back when the W stood for warweary? WV’s life didn’t start being terrible when Jack showed up. For that matter, the only reason he was there for Jack to wreck everything was because his life had been awful to the point he led a massive rebellion.

[ Over the course of the day, he has found many small green plants poking their stems out of the sand, somehow surviving ]

The meteors are kind of there to scour everything. Finding a single plant outside is extremely unlikely, the idea that he’s finding lots of them on the first day downright missing the point of it being a giant horrible wasteland. The only plant we see him finding is inside a sheltered area.

Plus, if there’s lots of small plants around, he’d be able to tend those rather than wander around starving, he even knows how to farm already.

[Small green things can burn. ]

…not really, no. Small green plants are pretty much all water.

Pretty sure I’ve seen the exact eaten/burn sentence pair before, I think attached to fanart or something?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10875227/2/The-Exiles (PM (JN, WQ))

[She finally reached Jack Noir, and he proposes a deal for her. In exchange for both the White Queen’s ring and the White King’s scepter, she would get the green parcel. Now that she thought about it, the deal was so lopsided she didn’t know what you were thinking at the time. It seemed as if the urgency to deliver mail was stronger than her conscience. And look where that got her. ]

Uh. So, first off, this really doesn’t seem like it’s making any attempt at actually being PM’s thoughts. You’re saying what you and most other people think, which is that the whole thing seemed like way too much effort to go through for a box. But as Peregrine Mendicant, she’s currently wandering the wasteland hoping to find addresses that no longer exist so that she can deliver letters to dead people while raving about how mail is super important. She wouldn’t be thinking that her desire to deliver mail is weird at the same time.

Also, no, Jack demanded the crowns. He was asking her to kill her monarchs. That’s why it was called a hit list and involved being handed a sword for regicide.

[She has sworn off opening and reading it, the only principle that she would keep as a parcel mistress. ]

…what? She’s still trying to deliver mail and talking about how important it is. She hasn’t rejected her original purpose.

[She comes across a giant tree. She is puzzled, as she has never seen a plant grow in the desert in all her years of travelling. She curiously inspects the single, giant, silver fruit hanging from the thick white branches. Then she notices that that fruit is not a fruit at all, but a metallic pod. Upon thinking this, the pod drops from the tree and lands heavily in the sand.  ]

She walks by that tree over and over as it grows.

Also, you just said last chapter that WV spent his exile in the same wasteland tripping over plants.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10875227/3/The-Exiles (AR (Dave))

[He had been fooling around on a hoverboard he found in the Derse streets. Now that he thought about it, it served him right for trying to muck around on the job. You don’t pay attention, and look where that got you. In the middle of freakin’ nowhere. He thinks he deserved it. ]

So the theme for this appears to be “exiles think that they were wrong a bunch”. This is particularly weird given AR gets exiled in the process of saving someone who’d otherwise have died.

[ He is rather irritated that he has to walk all this sand, and contemplates whether he should have saved the boy at all. He then shakes the thought out of his head, because the boy may have been part of some grand scheme that he had not even started to comprehend. Heck, it may have been BECAUSE of that guy he was alive. ]

So AR thinks that it was a good idea not because it was right, but because there may have somehow been some benefit for him he just can’t see.

[And while he is doing this, he does not notice the other two pairs of footsteps in the sand, following the same path as him. Eventually, he will meet up with the other two pairs to footsteps and they will face the end together. ]

Actually he goes right to the frog temple, but more to the point, the exiles are scattered and only meet up due to finding the stations, why would you think it made more sense to say that they’re all walking around right in the same area and just too stupid to notice footprints?

Then there’s a WQ one and it continues the whole recap adding nothing much thing and eh. Even when people actually want to write about them they don’t seem to care much or at all about them.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10875647/1/Chapter-1-GlitchB0und (MOC)

This is a mess of errors. Try harder.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10878692/1/A-Year-in-the-Life-Part-One-The-Megidos (Aradia (Damara, Sollux, didn’t keep reading))

Your characterization is terrible. Damara’s character is at least exaggerated enough that it’s hard to overwrite, but you missed the part where she wasn’t inherently like that and it was only a longstanding campaign of abuse that made her snap so [AA: yeah i mean i knew she was bad from when she was around tavros’s brother all the time ] makes no sense, and the rest are pretty much OCs.

Seven.

So to ignore the fact it’s generally bad, this is similar to what was bugging me with humanizing a plush, no one puts effort into translating the troll’s family setup into human terms. Trolls have roving animals as parents and are all single children. You can’t just say they’re living with their dancestors as siblings and have normal parents. Even if someone wrote this without being terrible and managed to avoid family situations that outright contradict their personalities, it’s still not adding anything to make them human. We end up with way too many fics where either the author might as well have OCs or else the author could’ve just written about them as trolls. There needs to be some cleverness to turning them human.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10880942/1/Brooding-Caverns (Tavros (FOC, Vriska))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10880942/2/Brooding-Caverns

Hm. So. While I like the idea of this, it really seems too involved and complicated for a species that doesn’t seem to put much effort into raising the kids. Why have them hatch from metal pods rather than just regular pupation, and why have a bunch of other stuff around for them? Even if there were existing structures, it seems a lot more likely they’d be biological (as almost all of the troll’s technology is) and self-running. And it seems like the telepathy isn’t just Vriska, which would mean there’s someone else actually going through the trouble of coaxing the kids through this.

One. Also I’m pleased by the fact the author introduces two female characters in a row. That’s really rare.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10893778/1/Newthia-An-explanation

Why the fuck did you think your crappy AU was so great and important you needed to post four separate chunks of it and clutter up the category? If something is part of your fic, IT GOES IN THAT FIC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10916214/1/The-Problem-Shift

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Well, this manages to avoid making Karkat a bland OC, but it runs into the problem that trying to accurately write how Karkat talks in a world where 99% of that’s on a chat program and also he’s a kid and also he’s an alien reads absurdly when he’s a human adult supposedly working with other adults in a normal setting.

And Terezi just seems like a regular person with none of her own abrasiveness, so basically blind girl OC, so you’ve still got the usual issues with Humanstuck stuff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10916214/2/The-Problem-Shift (Karkat (SS))

Okay so now Slick manages to be both behaving crazily for a human and OOC to the point of being an OC, so you’ve combined both problems of last chapter in a single character.

Eight. For a ten chapter story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10918442/1/A-Christmas-Moirallegiance (Dave, John, Davesprite (WV, Jade, Nannasprite))

[And, while we’re on the subject, where are all the grubs coming from? Like, in almost three years they’ve yet to run the river of Questionably ‘Edible’ Food dry. Which, as before mentioned, consisted of dead alien spawn.
Was there some dirty business going on in the background here? Dirty business that he was completely unaware of?]

…they have machines that can generate copies of anything they have the code for. It’s been a plot point over and over and over. That’s where it’s coming from.

[The little guy literally ate the entire bowl of chips. Awe, so adorable.]

“Aw.” Awe is like what you feel viewing how tall mountains are.

Also, with that and stuff like

[“Man, I love you, bro.”
The Mayor nodded and scooted over, pushing his shoulder against Dave’s side- sneaking off a chip every now and then when the other wasn’t looking.
“It should be around Christmas soon.” He said, content with the Carapacian picking at his pile of dead babies. “Do trolls even celebrate Christmas? Or Hanukah?” he remembers the John said something about that, the Hanukah thing that is. He said he’s half Jewish, but his dad doesn’t like to talk about it.
The man has secrets.
Sensing a response was needed, the Mayor shrugged as he gave in and just took the pile back- shoving it in his mouth without second thought.]

You’re pretty much writing the relationship between Dave and WV as that of a boy and his dog, but don’t seem to be aware of any dissonance with that.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10919280/1/Something-So-Small (DD (SS, HB, CD, FOC, MOC))

Blocked, thank god.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10934105/1/See-You-Soon (Jade (Dave, Bec Noir))

[ with his best shooting his body full of bullets ]

Think you dropped “friend” from the sentence.

Despite being less than three hundred words, this really does drag on. You’re just saying the same thing over and over again.

One.

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