October Carapaces Day 3

So much terrible sburbfic. So much “Mayor”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10936505/1/S-Rise-Soul-of-Doom (John (MOC))

Another goes nowhere sburbfic, though instead of starting at the beginning, this goes with Designated Super Special Twist Opening where first chapter is showing everything is a disaster, and it’s next chapter that’ll then start at the beginning to plod along.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10944011/1/Enter-the-Mayor (WV, Dave (John, Dirk))

[The Greytagonist was no longer the Greytagonist.
The Greytagonist was now the Mayor of Cantown.]
He has a name throughout this period.

[ I’m not really used to writing for WV. ]

Remembering he’s called WV would be a really good start.

ARG.

Four.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963480/1/Slickpaint (SS, MP (Hussie))

[Paintslick / Slickpaint JOKE fanfiction. JOKE, IT’S A JOKE. It is meant for entertainment ]

Then maybe you should’ve tried to actually make it entertaining.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10968588/1/Kiss-It-All-Better (Jade (Dave, Bec Noir))
(John (MOC))(WV, Dave (John, Dirk))(SS, MS (Hussie))(Jade (Dave, Bec Noir))
Hmmm…

This just doesn’t seem quite right. I guess it’s that you did a really good job thinking about the details of that time Bec Noir killed Dave and then hung out creepily and how someone might react to it, and even taking into account a lot of Jade’s unusual life, but there’s little sign of Jade’s own personality in how she’s reacting to them. A lot of what makes Jade interesting is that despite how much she goes through, she’s a lot more energetic and determined than anyone would expect.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10972327/1/The-Last-Degree-of-Savagery (N/A)

It’s a clever concept, but this doesn’t seem too plausible.

[And nobody noticed the new colonists, the Carapacian cities that cropped up on these worlds, centuries after civilization had ended. ]

How did they not? They’re investigating what wiped out the trolls and the fact there’s a brand-new species squatting in the ruins didn’t seem worthy of even saying hi and asking what they know? And then it happened again and still no one thought to ask them even though they’d just appeared on another planet under the same mysterious circumstances? And then it’s being used to wipe out all the intelligent species and still not one researcher gets around to asking the people who appear after it each time?

There’s also the issue it takes additional shenanigans to eliminate the troll species due to them being a spacefaring race, and it appears that at least a good chunk of the rest of your aliens are also spacefaring, so meteors wouldn’t wipe them out.

Also, you shouldn’t be capitalizing “carapacian”, especially when none of the other species are.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10981285/1/We-Will-Be-Gods (FOC (OCs))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

As dramatic as the whole gods bit is, a single dramatic line can’t save the fact your first chapter is the same stuff as everyone else’s first chapter and giving no new information about what’s special about your session.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10988066/1/Some-Kids-Make-A-Universe

Nonstory chapters are banned for precisely this reason. If you wanted to explain stuff, this could’ve easily gone on top of your first chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10988066/2/Some-Kids-Make-A-Universe (OCs)

And bad decision theater continues with your opening being about people running around thinking about installing the game even though Homestuck fans already know what’s going on so the suspense is killed and your ridiculous optimism in the previous chapter aside, they’re the people most likely to read your story.

Remember how when you read the comic, it wasn’t blindingly obvious what was going to happen with the game? You want to start your own story in at a similar not blindingly obvious point.

“It’s” means “it is”. “Its” is the possessive form.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10993771/1/The-Evolving-Gods (MOC (FOC))

[ DON’T READ IF DON’T LIKE NO FLAMES ]

So what you’re saying is, it should be evident from your summary that your story is garbage without anyone needing to actually look at it and check for themselves. You make a strong case.

Next time maybe try not writing garbage to avoid flames instead.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10999573/1/Insert-Witty-Title-Here (Dave (Rose, Terezi, Kanaya, Karkat))

[ But to make it more exciting, me and the Mayor decided to have some hella sweet rewards. Whoever wins gets to decide what the rest do for an entire month, no complaints, and Mayor even agreed to make the winner honorary Co-Mayor for a day.” ]

Given “Mayor” can’t even communicate well enough to give his actual name, I’m curious how Dave pulled that off.

Haaaaate.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11005795/1/What-the-Hell-is-Sburb (FOC (OCs))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Hello~ This is way longer than the first chapter of my other fics so you should feel honored! Seriously, it’s like 2,400 words long! My fingers hurt!]

Shame they’re all wasted on a terrible first chapter that starts nowhere interesting.

Look, writing fun characters isn’t a matter of shoving them at people while listing off every quirk then saying they’re sad now. You need to have other things happening. Show your characters doing things other than QUIRKY and SAD, space it out, and then people are much more likely to care about their parents being mean or their odd hobbies.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11007451/1/An-Untold-Ztory (OCs)

[Zecond take, becauze the firzt one waz errazed mizteriouzly ((My Ss are perfectly fine, thanks for asking))]

…this site deletes stuff for bad grammar. I don’t think it’s too mizteriouz what happened. Maybe if you didn’t think stupid writing was clever, you’d have fewer problems.

Another good idea would be to understand that a bunch of random people planning to play a game the reader already knows all about is actually super boring and you really should’ve started this story at the point something different happens.

Two. It’s really long, I skimmed a bit and saw no carapaces.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11028793/1/Snerd (MOC (OC))

[There, HERE is where we will begin our story. ]

So the fact this is midpoint through your chapter suggests you’re a bit confused about the whole “begin” thing.

Regardless, starting with the characters obliviously firing up the game was boring the first time and it’s certainly not gotten more interesting after being done a million times.

Three.

Really long, really blah, skimmed through and just found a lot of consorts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11050255/1/Clockwork-A-Homestuck-Novel (FOC (Meteor kids, WV)

Huh, this looks like a more traditional sue. She’s just inserted herself with no real purpose and her personality amounts to being friends with the canon cast.

You shouldn’t be opening with a giant recap of information readers already know. You just need the couple lines in your pile of huge paragraphs that are your own additions.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11129488/1/Winter-sports (SS (Snowman))

Well, Slick’s rage at everything is good, and a sufficiently mellow Snowman might be willing to be semi-helpful just to lord over how much better she is and set him up for his fall, but it’s unclear why exactly they decided to go on a legitimate date at all or why Slick seems shocked that things would end badly for him. Why is he willing to skate at all? I think you need a bit more explanation for the setup, especially when you open with him saying he thinks the whole idea is stupid and don’t give any other reason for him to even put on the skates. Maybe if he’d bragged he could do it or was confident that he’d pick it up immediately instead. Something like that, a reason to get on the ice in the first place.

Two! Also thank god actual fic.

This completes March. Seven more months to go!

Ignoring the OC fic:

John (MOC)
WV, Dave (John, Dirk)
SS, MP (Hussie)
Jade (Dave, Bec Noir)
Dave (Rose, Terezi, Kanaya, Karkat)
(SS (Snowman))

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