October Carapaces Day Four and Final

In which we end on a shocking note.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11174394/4/Unconditionally (Karkat, Kankri, Sollux (Cronus, Mituna, Eridan, Vriska, MOC, SS)) (Yeah, that sure does tell you the general quality of it right there.)

[Spades Slick
That was all it said, but the message was clear. The man who had been their step-father and raped and abused Karkat behind closed doors was back with a vengeance. Karkat took a step backwards.
But it was too late.
There was a loud click, as if someone just turned of the safety on a gun, which, coincidently, someone did. “Don’t fuckin’ move, kid.” Someone growled from behind him. Immediately, Karkat froze. He had heard that voice before. But it was impossible, he was supposed to be in jail. Karkat still didn’t quite believe it. “I know what you’re thinkin’ slut.” Spades continued]

And here I thought the rest of it was horribly characterized. You truly managed to plumb unexpected depths.

Also, stop labeling flashbacks and you should never have a single author note in the middle of your story rather than doing it constantly for incredibly stupid reasons.

Six, because there is no god.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11222288/2/Homesub-Metaquest-A-Meta-Fanfic-based-on-the-most-Meta-Subreddit

So this appears to be something where you mistook listing stats, discussing point allocation and listing purchases for a narrative.

Fun fact! The statblocks all include a section for gender despite the fact it’s from Reddit and it’s exactly what you’d expect.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11245917/1/To-Be-Just-Like-You (Casey, Hussie, John)

Only proper nouns should be capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with each new subject and always for a new speaker.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11263268/1/Noise (DD (SS))

[ “I’m just trying to remind you who it is you’re screwing around with. Y’can’t even blame her this time. It’s your own fault you told her every move we were planning to make before we made it.”
Slick jerked rigidly upright on the bench, turning to Droog in a wild-eyed fury. “That bitch put something in my drink!”
“Yeah,” Droog said, lifting his cigarette. “Liquor.”
Slick slammed a fist down on the keyboard with a burst of cacophonous noise. “FUCK YOU, DROOG!”]

This is all just so perfect. Great job.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11272066/1/Sburb-coming-soon-to-planets-near-you

Two paragraphs continues to not be a valid first chapter. Try harder.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11284654/1/Ever-After (Karkat (Dave, Dirk, JNs))

Songfic is banned.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11286976/1/Learning-Experience-Reader-x-Lord-English (OC (Aradiacester, Crowbar, Doze, Snowman, Lord English))

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

This is surprisingly funny, though your insert OC’s characterization could be better. You waffle between them actually wanting to go home and treating the kidnapping as no big deal and just really wanting a lava lamp. Having the character be consistently uneasy until after meeting LE at which point they decide staying’s okay as long as they can have some other decorations or having them decide quickly they’re in no hurry to go home aside from the whole annoying green and clock thing would likely be better which is why that’s in the forefront of their mind by the time they meet LE. What you have now is cartoonishly inconsistent and isn’t even a sort of bad characterization that fits with making the character as blank and insertable as possible.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11288649/1/Chance (Karkat (Jade, Bec Noir))

This really doesn’t make sense. It’s not just Karkat being there to intervene but Bec Noir being so grossly out of character to be a threat to Jade in the first place so that Karkat has reason to play hero, and also Karkat’s own issues with seeing Jack-as-angel-monster don’t exist.

[They were thirteen.
Thirteen goddamned years old!]

And then he goes on to think of his age in human years rather than his actual age of six sweeps…

[and they had already caused the destruction of both of their origin planets, time traveled, fled and fought for their lives, killed and witnessed killings, and they’d seen so, so, so damn much. ]

of a species that already kills and gets killed even younger than six sweeps to the point that Karkat played Sgrub with a dead girl, blind girl, one-armed one-eyed mass murderer girl and boy in a wheelchair and no one thought anything of also including another boy who loudly discussed his plans for genocide all the time.

So it ends up being the worst kind of “sort of AU”, the one where basic characterization has gotten warped around too.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11295310/1/its-cold-and-im-tired

Yet more Prospit/Derse that has nothing to do with the actual denizens of those places.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11321921/1/Take-Out-the-Gunman (Jack (Scratch, CD))

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short you threw together.

And as to that – well, not sure what to make of it. Human AU where Jack is patiently sitting around trying to snipe Scratch while bantering in a way that doesn’t sound like him and he’s not trying to actually kill him because they’re dating and there’s body doubles or possibly clones around is really like five or six steps past the point this stopped being fanfic and became original fiction.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11407718/1/Mayor (Rose, Kanaya, Dave, Terezi (PM, WV, Feferi))

[and the Mayor had yet to speak a single word. Kanaya compared this to the many carapacians she had spoken with during her moments on Prospit and came to the conclusion that this was somewhat unusual. ]

FINALLY.

Honestly think this is the first fanfic I’ve hit here that doesn’t decide to just assume he’s some sort of bipedal pet. And you have the various kids noticing this and being concerned and curious!

However, it’s rather weak as a story. You’re summarizing their interactions rather than showing them, and there’s no story arc either – he’s there, and you say how the kids each view him, but you don’t have something happening.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11412655/1/Awakening (OCs (BK, WQ, JN?))

POV is an acronym and as such should be capitalized. Also, don’t label POVs in the first place.

“I” is always capitalized, not just when you feel like it. The same goes for names.

Spellcheck isn’t optional.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[(Okay, well thats it, sorry it was short.)]

It’s “that’s”, short for “that is”, also if you know it’s too short and this is so bad you need to apologize, just write a longer chapter rather than posting it.

While I stopped reviewing sburbfic as my pity for their lack of reviews became outweighed by my irritation none of the stupid fucks could bother to look at all the crappy sburbfics that came before and try not wasting five chapters on people IMing each other, this one contains eventual carapacians.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11412655/6/Awakening

So…why isn’t the Black King on battlefield rather than the throne room, and why isn’t the Black Queen there, where’s she? Why’s it the “kings palace”? (And you need to learn to use apostrophes.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11412655/7/Awakening

[listening to the White Queen rant on about my importance in my session, whatever that meant. While her soothing voice made it easy to listen ]

Ranting generally isn’t a soothing sound, and if your character paid enough attention to know she’s talking about their importance, having them not know what that means means they come off as a total idiot.

[I honestly knew it was Connor, but I was smart enough to know not to ask. ]

And this is even more of a terrible jumble. If they already know the answer, why do they need to be “smart enough” not to ask a question they don’t need to ask in the first place? Are they just an asshole who only asks questions they know the answer to and right now they’re just barely smart enough to know they’ll get yelled at it? Is this some sort of hideous proofreading failure resulting in word salad?

[“Let’s see if the white queen was lieing” I said. ]

Why would your character act like it’s more likely she lied than told the truth? Because “let’s see if she was lying” means it’s weighed toward assuming that’s likely and “let’s see if she told the truth” is weighted toward it being the truth, so either you botched writing this or your character, for no reason, just assumes people who are their allies lie with no reason for it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11412655/10/Awakening

So in conclusion, terrible. Spellcheck. Proofread. Look up how grammar works. Write longer chapters. Think about what the sentences you write actually mean and if that’s within spitting distance of what you were trying to say.

Twelve.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11430887/1/Realitystuck

[Summary: There was a game created along side Sburb called “Realitystuck”. It was in some ways similar to Sburb, but a lot more was at stake when playing. ]

…so basically this is the mary sue sister of Sburb.

[This planet was called “Regnum”, also known as the Kingdom of Twilight. It was about three times large than Prospit and Derse and looked like Earth and Alternia, but different. ]

Never has being right been so immediately painful.

[The planet had three moons, each different than the other. Two moons, one bronze and the other gold, were chained to the planet by large, ruby chains. The other moon was silver and orbited the planet. The planet was mostly covered by water, its oceans and seas resembling Earth’s oceans and seas. On the land, there were mostly forests and mountains. Small cities and villages were spread about the land, filled with humanoid creatures. Monsters and strange animals also roamed the earth, peacefully co-existing with the humanoids. ]

So look. “It’s like the thing you like, BUT DIFFERENT IN WAYS, MOSTLY BY HAVING MORE CRAMMED ON!!!” is not good worldbuilding. Prospit and Derse have one moon and one color, and it’s chained, so this has DOUBLE MOONS STILL CHAINED, AND ALSO A REGULAR MOON TOO, AND EVERYTHING IS A DIFFERENT COLOR!!! and also lots of stuff like you’d see on Earth and tons of different creatures rather than just one and no, copying something and trying to make it more extreme just makes it silly.

What are you trying to convey with this setting? That it’s extra doubleplus Sburb? Sburb already destroys the world and creates universes by transporting the player into a separate reality. You can’t one-up it without looking silly.

If you have actual original differences to this story that are why you don’t want to use regular Sburb, then create your own out of whole cloth designed to fit what you’re trying to convey. Right now all you’ve conveyed is that this is sueish down to the very dirt of the place.

[“Are you, are you coming to the tree?” she softly sang, venom in her voice. “Where I told you to run, so we’d both be free. Strange things did happen here…No stranger would it be…If we met at midnight…In the hanging tree.” ]

Of course, that’d involve actually making up decent stuff of your own to fit instead of jamming in shit from other media just because you think it’s cool and who cares if it’s jarring and terrible that just makes your reference more noticeable now everyone will know you’re cool and original enough to like something that’s already incredibly popular.

Nineteen.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11435394/1/This-Too-Shall-Pass (Dirk, Dave (WV in the background for two lines))

Ugh.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11435416/1/Issues (Rose, Dave (WV hands her yarn once.))

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11445879/1/Speed-can-t-outrun-Luck (Itchy, Clover (Felt, MC))

[ But what no-one seemed to notice was Itchy’s jealous stares whenever Clover flirted with someone, or his clingy behavior whenever they went out into the city for a drink, making sure Clover didn’t go home with anyone else but him, no-one seemed to notice or they simply didn’t care, Itchy has always been like this for as far as they knew him, despite him being an asshole he has always had a protective side, and that side is shown the most whenever they are on a mission. ]

So you have some issues with organizing your sentences. This one appears to be several smashed together into a barely understandable mess. You also need to work on paragraphing. You appear to just be hitting enter now and then to make roughly equal blocks. Look up the actual rules.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

And when a new person speaks, you always start a new paragraph.

[Clover simply dismissed him with a wave of his hand, “Relax! I’m too lucky to get hurt, remember? I’ll be fine!” ]

So problem is, this is true. If you want one character rescuing the other, why not just have Clover rescue Itchy?

[he saw Clover had worked himself into a corner, and Boxcars was hovering over him with his mace in the air, about to bash in his little skull. Itchy knew that even with Clover’s luck he wouldn’t be able to survive a hit from that. ]

Yes, he would. Because if backing him into a corner was all it took, Droog wouldn’t have backed him into a corner only to smack him with a newspaper on the basis that any other attack would’ve missed.

[He looks over at Itchy and Clover and quickly understands that Itchy is in no shape to walk ]

For that matter, if you wanted one of them to nobly get hurt protecting the other, even then it makes more sense to swap the characters, because Itchy’s got a much better chance of picking up Clover and running off (…and Itchy could just have done that initially rather than standing there getting beat up.) You could say Clover’s luck only applies to keeping him safe so if he acts to protect someone else, therefore he’s hurt now. It makes more sense than that his luck turns off for no reason, at which point Itchy’s speed is good for exactly enough to get over there and not enough to get out again, and then suddenly Clover can run carrying someone twice his size.

Try to make things make sense.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11446059/1/SBURBSGRUB-Walkthrough

One of those walkthrough things. Does discuss carapaces.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11453624/1/Reader-x-Boxcars-NSFW (FOC? (HB))

[“Y’know, yer pretty cute. How about ye come home with me? I’ll decide there a good way fer ye to apologize fer that rude behavior of yers.”]

I’m confused how the reader insert took this to mean “I’ll get made to do something or somethings that have nothing to do with sex and should try to redirect him from it by seducing him!”

I mean, it’s nice to see a character taking the initiative in these things, but having Boxcars drag them off either implying a different use (eating them for breakfast) or just not saying anything that implied sex would make their whole seduction plan a somewhat reasonable response.

[Boxcars notices you looking at the magazines and quickly kicks most of them under his bed with a red face.
You raise an eyebrow, seems like this guy was easily flustered. ]

Also Boxcars is the only one who doesn’t seem to care about leaving his smut out. It’s Slick and Droog who get upset over it.

This is another one where the actual genitalia is avoided. The main character mentions nothing about having a dick, but Boxcars pulls out lube to “enter” them in whatever orifice. It seems more female-with-vagueness than male, though, so tentatively FOC.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11478212/1/The-Midnight-Crew (SS, CD, DD (HB))

Use quotation marks for dialogue.

The thing about this is almost all of it is centered on a character dynamic that’s not present in canon. You don’t take the time to set up the relationship or on supporting characterization that matches – indeed the main thing you focus on in the SS sections is that his feelings are opposed to how he usually deals with everything. The end result is everyone feels like they’re OCs, because they’re defined by personality traits you made up without properly justifying them.

None of the things are outside of possibility, but you needed to spend time bridging the gap between the baseline canon version and the HB/CD with jealous in denial SS relationship mess.

Also, having him just walk out angry then get hit by a car then everyone’s sad then CD can see his ghost is kind of incredibly WTF. There’s no particular point to any of these events. Nothing’s following logically or building to anything.

And then the ending is that they’re all dead? Time jump or something? It’s just as out of left field as everything else so it’s hard to say.

Zero

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11489156/1/Midnight-Crew-X-Reader

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Sentence fragments should also be avoided.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

“I” is always capitalized, not just when you feel like it. And in general, you need to proofread a lot better.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[“it’s-it’s okay…I’m [first name].” ]

There are ways of writing around the character’s name that aren’t utterly terrible, like just saying [You introduce yourself.] instead of writing the introduction with a placeholder.

One, which says that while the writing quality is just great the story is technically violating the “interactive story” rule. Fuck everyone.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11519749/1/A-day-in-the-life-of-AR-the-kawaii-schoolgirl-the-musical-on-iceg

lrn2troll

Four.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11522841/1/HomestuckEXE

[But something about it was very strange. The site looked different. The background was black and all the text was in blood-red. Not like Kankri or Dave’s text colour but like real blood. Some of the letters even dripped blood. Also they said things like “you will die soon” or “you will not escape your fate.” ]

This is just such a wasted opportunity.

Homestuck has absolutely done this sort of thing! You didn’t need to copy some of the worst creepypasta writing of having a character see (impossible obviously bad thing) and then proceed along anyway! You don’t need to write the same complete garbage of every other bottom of the barrel attempt like [It was very scary looking, I thought, but curiosity got the better of me. ]. You could’ve had your character legitimately think this was just Hussie messing with people again.

[It was a bloody mess and I felt a little sick watching it.
Why would anyone program something like this of or even commission somebody to do it? ]

And if you/your character had a better grasp of some of his previous stuff, then you/they would be aware that doing sick stuff to mess with people is not actually outside the realm of possibility, and the hyperrealistic violence, while admittedly weird, doesn’t even require a creator breakdown to explain, and then they actually have a reason to be playing the game and can have thoughts other than “LOLZ I IS IN A CREEPYPASTA I WILL THINK THIS IS WEIRD AND SCARY AND THEN KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY WITHOUT ANY OTHER THOUGHTS LOLZ WHO NEEDS CHARACTERIZATION IN STORYTELLING??? WHY WOULD ANYONE BOTHER WITH SEMI-PLAUSIBLE BEHAVIOR JUST BECAUSE THIS IS A GENRE DESIGNED TO BE PRESENTED AS AN ACTUAL URBAN LEGEND????? CREEPYPASTA!!!!”

Bad writing on purpose is still shit.

It’s not like good creepypasta is impossible, so why is it everything that gets posted to FFN is awful in the exact same boring way?

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11523484/1/A-Year-in-the-Life-Part-Two-The-Nitrams

Already got this person and anything I say would be the same basic complaint about ignoring characterization. I mean, for god’s sake, it’s not that you can’t write coming out issues with the trolls, just figure out something other than being bisexual for the race of bisexual aliens.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10351161/1/Pursuit-Mandatory (PM (AR, WV, Serenity, Bec Noir))

[“It’s all set up, PM,” the caution-taped Dersite confided.  ]

Just use “said”. Also people’s names.

[With this ring, she could have power to match Noir’s, but the ring was destined for the one friend she had left.  ]

It sounds really ridiculous that she’d pause as if the second part even mattered. Doubly so when she can now see WV had it this entire time already.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9639699/1/Slip-Slide-Melting (SS (Snowman))

Hm. Well, this is a different setup than usual, but you barely set the scene before cutting off. Chapter really should’ve been longer, especially given you ended up abandoning this so it has to stand by itself.

This is an old one and it also says it’s already in the C2…but there’s no review from me. Weird. Maybe I was tired and couldn’t decide what to say.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10218883/1/Danza (Dave (Snowman))

This is written just beautifully. I love how you describe everything and the interplay between the two and everything about how you’ve written Snowman.

I just read through maybe two hundred awful fics this month and it was worth it to finally reach this one.

I can’t believe we end on a good note. Wow.

Two, because people continue to shun quality.

Karkat, Kankri, Sollux (Cronus, Mituna,
Eridan, Vriska, MOC, SS)
Casey, Hussie, John
DD (SS)
Karkat (Dave, Dirk, JNs)
OC (Aradiacester, Crowbar, Doze,
Snowman, Lord English)
Karkat (Jade, Bec Noir)
Jack (Scratch, CD)
Rose, Kanaya, Dave, Terezi (PM, WV,
Feferi)
OCs (BK, WQ, JN?)
Dirk, Dave (WV in the background for
two lines)
Rose, Dave (WV hands her yarn once.)
Itchy, Clover (Felt, MC)
FOC? (HB)
SS, CD, DD (HB)
OC (Midnight Crew)
PM (AR, WV, Serenity, Bec Noir)
SS (Snowman)
Dave (Snowman)
 

 

Ignoring OCs, four of fourteen. Not a
good ratio but not the worst we’ve seen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar