Alder: Oh! It looks like you’ve delivered the Town Map to your friend! Hrm… You were only gone a moment, but you and your Pokemon have grown. Why, I could almost mistake you for someone else!

So can I go now?

Well then. Instead of training you,

So I don’t even get anything out of hearing your game-delaying babble?

I would like you and your Pokemon to give me a hand!

Oh even better game here I was sitting thinking that being trained by Douchy would be just so awesome, but what if I could be helping Douchy out instead wouldn’t that be even better?

And we go inside, where he’s apparently abducted two little kids.

Girl: Oh! Are we going to train that person, sir?

Kid, he’s not a sir. Also, didn’t your mom tell you about strangers and candy? Go home.

Boy: Really? But that Trainer looks really tough!

I know I’ve told you I like recognition, game, but a) I like to earn it and b)little kids aren’t going to cut it.

Alder: That’s right! This Trainer may be tough, but you can learn from losing as well.

Wow, you’ve really stepped up the dickishness.

More importantly, haven’t I been telling you to just enjoy Pokemon battles?

“You know, between telling you how important it is to get stronger.”

So, Farla! Please be their opponent!

Douchy, I don’t need to be told to beat up little kids.

So the boy challenges me.

I’ll show you what’s cool about my Pokemon! … Yeah that didn’t last long, did it?

I need to get Alder to teach me more things…

No, kid, you need to go out and fight people. His whole thing is to destroy trainers so they can’t get in his way.

That was a fine battle, both of you, says Douchy, ignoring the fact I just brutalized the kid’s pokemon without effort. My favorite part was when it used lick and got hit by my mareep’s static. Well, next we have….
Ready! chirps the girl.

Alder: First we have to heal your Pokemon, Farla.

Fucking game, did you not notice I walked in here with injured pokemon? That was my choice, okay? If you’re so worried just don’t make the battles automatic and let me have the choice of walking away to heal.

We continue our adventures in pantslessness. Also, what’s up with girls having glasses? We’re two of three right now. I’m starting to feel like the character designer recently found a new fetish or something.

Some Pokemon battles are decided by type matchups! This is presumably because her elemental monkey is fire, not that it matters because I see no sign they have elemental attacks.

What? How could I have lost in a type match like this? Because you don’t have elemental attacks. I’m telling you, run now. This is a pit of failure.

Alder: That was truly a rousing battle! I could tell that all of the Pokemon were enjoying themselves as well!

Well that’s sure convincing! A guy said it!

How about it, Farla? Pokemon types are very important in battle, aren’t they?
Water is strong against Fire…
Fire is strong against Grass…
Grass is strong against Water…

Yeah booklet stuff let’s move on now.

Type matchups don’t decide everything, though!

No fucking shit did you not notice me winning.

Then the girl explains STAB, which, okay, is a relevant piece of information.

Then back to Douchy. Let’s heal those hard-working Pokemon!
Riolu! You did a great job for Farla!

…and I guess the rest of them don’t count.

Meeting Pokemon and people you would never have met otherwise is only one of the great things about traveling!

You mean, like you?

Outside is some weird guy.

I know this is sudden, but nice to meet you!
Now, don’t say anything. Just take this!
That is a Medal Box! And, people call me Mr. Medal! …By the way, do you know a competition called the Medal Rally?

Nope.

Whether you know it or not, I’ll explain it to you!

No really, why did the programmers put in all these questions if they were so dead-set on only writing one set of dialogue?

The Medal Rally is an event that evaluates various activities of Trainers. So… in commemoration of your participation, please take this Medal!

It’s the first step medal. Also gives me a bunch of hint medals.

…So, these medals are like achievements?

Before I can escape:

Alder: Farla! As for the newly opened Pokemon Gym in Aspertia City, I heard a new Gym Leader has arrived there. You should go and test how strong you’ve become!

Bye then, let’s never meet again.

Farla!

ARG DOUCHY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE

Excuse me! I forgot to tell you something important! First, take these!
Those are Oran Berries!

Yes, I can read the text when it says I got oran berries. This is ridiculous. Every single time someone gives me something, there’s then another wasted line of text where they say they gave me it.

Blah blah HP restore blah hold item blah.

Well…I just told you to challenge the Gym Leader. Aspertia’s Gym Leader is a very strong Pokemon Trainer!

Oh, bullshit, it’s the first gym.

But you have nothing to worry about! If you think hard about what the Pokemon on your side can do, and what you should do as a Trainer, victory will be yours!

But what if the other guy does that too?

And then you should take on stronger and stronger Trainers… Actually, take on Gym Leaders of each city! Working together with you Pokemon is what makes you grow as a Trainer. As you and your Pokemon grow stronger, your world will get broader!

SHUT THE FUCK UP

Okay, so, presumably the gym is the school, since the NPCs were inexplicably saying that a teacher would be a gym leader. Let’s go chat with the guy talking about the school not being open yet and see if the dialogue’s changed.

I know lots about Pokemon! ‘Cause I learned so much at the Trainer’s School!

My, that was quick. Although come to think of it, that probably is an accurate depiction of how long it takes to learn trainer school stuff.

But let’s check some other stuff out first. As usual in these games, Mom doesn’t care about my new pokemon or anything. But apparently she used to work in a pokecenter, so at least that’s a plotty reason why she’s so into healing my pokemon. There’s also a ferris wheel and darumaka toy here, forgot to mention. Don’t think it’s any reference to her own character, though, just a shout out to the previous game.

Huh, so, it literally is a school, complete with desks that, yet again, you can’t sit at because they removed the ability to walk on chairs in service of 3D.

I asked Alder from Floccesy Town to teach here. He declined, saying it was the era of young people now.

I guess getting his ass kicked made him realize no matter how many trainers he screwed with, more would get through and he’s given up. Maybe that’s why he only made a token effort to control me.

Some kid talks about using items in battles and then hands me and x defend, presumably because he’s just learned those are a waste of a turn. Another tells me there are riolu at the ranch, which is a good bit of info because that’s easy to miss.

Right then, where’s that gym leader!

???:

Game. Game I can see him just fine.

You must be a challenger! Welcome to Aspertia City’s Pokemon Gym. I’m Cheren, the Gym Leader! Hm? Well, maybe I’d better say that I just became the Gym Leader! More importantly, we need to prepare before welcoming you to the Gym [looks around] You two, take your places! If you can defeat these two, then I’ll be your opponent!

Of course, they’re easy to walk by, but if you do that: If you want to battle me, please defeat these two first, OK? No, Cheren, that’s not how it works. I get to choose if I want to fight the trainers or try to snake my way past.

The kid says, Cheren saw potential in me and made me Trainer in this Gym. Oh god, Cheren, are you doing the same thing as Douchy now? Is that what he taught you?

Victory comes easy. No more excuses, I’ve beaten them.

Just as this is your first Gym challenge, this is my first Pokemon battle as a Gym Leader! Let’s both do our best and have a battle we can be proud of!

Game, game, game. You’re like a bad fanfic. I’m not interested in a no-stakes-let’s-just-see-who’s-better-friend bunch of crap. I want the sense that I’m actually accomplishing things here!

Wow, Cheren looks terrible. It’s actually rather interesting to show how nervous he is about all this…although it’s undermined by the fact I’m not quite clear what he’s nervous about.

Also why doesn’t he have glasses anymore?

L12 Patrat, L14 Lillipup, L12 Pidove with apparently no gust?

His pokemon all use work up, which is interesting because they don’t really have special moves so it seems like it’s not as effective as it should be. But he’s a challenge, particularly since I’ve got two whiny pokemon I can’t let faint.

To have chosen that move… I see! You’ll be a powerful opponent! he says midway through. Really, thundershock is that big of a deal to you?

As Gym Leader, I am a wall for you to overcome this! This is what a real Pokemon battle is!
That battle has made me feel really glad you were my first challenger as a Gym Leader…
I give you this in honor of the strength you & your Pokemon showed!
This is an important milestone!
With this Badge, Pokemon up to Lv. 20 will obey you, including traded Pokemon. And I want you to take this! It’s the workup TM, naturally.

Yes, two years ago, Pokedex in hand, I left on a journey with my friends.

I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

Okay, time to blow this popsicle stand.

Bianca: Yoo-hoo!

ARG

How was it? How did your Pokemon battle with the Gym Leader go?

From her glee, I have to guess that she and Cheren are solidly spades by now. I guess they didn’t part on good terms or something.

Oh! If it isn’t the Basic Badge! Wow! Amazing! And you just set off on your journey with your Pokemon! You definitely have potential as a Trainer! I’m sure of it! This is from me!

A return TM. I’ll ignore that right next to the frustration one.

Still, that Cheren… is a dick, yes? I know, Bianca. Don’t worry, when my dragon eats him you can watch.

Then Cheren comes out.

Cheren: Bianca! It’s been two years, hasn’t it?

So then. Yes, that does not sound like they’re on particularly good terms, she was totally enjoying that he just lost.

Bianca: Oh wow! Wh-what’s up?
Cheren: I thought it would be a good idea to register each other in the Xtransciever!

Now characters can freeze me for a conversation without even needing to be there. Yay.

Hi there, Farla! I’m Professor Juniper! Bianca told me you accepted the Pokedex! Thank you so much. Thanks to you, we will all know more about Pokemon and be able to get along with them even better!

Yes, I’m sure catching pokemon and recording their locations will totally help us get along better. Kind of like how the mafia getting to know your neighborhood helps you get along better.

Hi, Professor Juniper! It’s really interesting over here! There are sooo many Pokemon we couldn’t prove were here two years ago!

Bianca, there’s a really big difference between “weren’t here” and “couldn’t prove”. The latter implies they were here the whole time but something was preventing you from finding it, or else that there was some unfair standard of proof you were being held to.

Thank you for going so far for this errand, Bianca. And, Cheren, how are you enjoying being a Gym Leader?

He looked seconds away from a breakdown.

Professor Juniper, it’s been a long time. I’m glad you’re doing so well. The Gym Leader position is very tough… If I had my usual partners…

Yeah, it looks like it’s canon in the BW universe that gym leaders dumb themselves down for you. Man, I hate that. It changes it from my amazing win to their stupid misjudgment.

Oh, Cheren… Having battles that come down to the wire will make you a Gym Leader who deepens the bonds between your challengers and their Pokemon, right?

But in fairness, I will say that proper enjoyment of the game requires close battles. If you beat your opponent in one or two hits, you don’t get to see how the other pokemon works, or how your pokemon works either.

It’ll be fine!

But also in fairness, being on the other side sounds joyless or even hellish. You’ve just going to see the same thing over and over again at this level. Plus, if we accept the whole pokemon friendship business, then he’s got to constantly give up his friends and replace them with weaker strangers to stay at the same level of ability.

Bianca is oblivious to this. Cheren’s a new Gym Leader, I’m an Assistant Pokemon Professor, and Farla is a new Trainer, but we always have Pokemon by our sides!

Juniper is happy to keep the yay-status-quo ball rolling. That’s right, Bianca. Our world is a world where we live with Pokemon. Everyone! Keep that in mind as you pursue your dreams with your Pokemon! Particularly you, Farla! The pokedex may be important, but… First, enjoy your journey with your Pokemon to your heart’s content!

And the call ends.

[Bianca produces a musical note bubble] Bianca: Hey, Farla. Isn’t Professor Juniper cool?

That is not how I would describe contrived dialogue to try to force through the official committee viewpoint which actually is badly supported by the game itself.

If you talk to her on the Xtransceiver, she’ll evaluate the completeness of your Pokedex or tell you a lot about how Pokemon evolve!

Okay, that latter part sounds legitimately useful for players.

And you can call us, too, of course! I’ll tell you how well you and your Pokemon are getting along, OK?!

As does that. More so, in fact, as I can just look up pokemon evolutions if I need to, but a happiness checker is always good.

Cheren: Bianca makes a good point. I’ll tell you what I know about Pokemon Abilities and Pokemon type matchups.

Tutorial stuff.

Wait, if he’s the tutorial guy, why did I have to sit through Douchy’s presentation on type matchups? Why couldn’t it be brought up here instead?

Gary runs up.

Gary: Are you the Gym Leader? One, two, three–let’s battle!

Sorry I just kicked his ass! Guess you’ll have to come back later! Hey, could you wait a sec, I have to find a bright red car and parcel of cheerleaders to really rub this in your face.

Cheren: You look like a tough Trainer. Understood. Please come into my Pokemon Gym!

So I guess we’re also canonizing instant healing.

Gary, with spikey hate dialogue box: What was that weak answer?! I’m definitely going to take you down!

What the fuck. I don’t know what your problem is and you know what? I don’t care.

In seriousness, the real problem with the rival here is that he’s mostly interacting with the other NPCs. When Real Gary was being a dick, it was to me. It’s one thing for an NPC to directly berate you – you can just hate them, or try to prove them wrong by being awesome, or whatever. When they’re being a dick at other NPCs who you aren’t involved with, all you can do is just be annoyed silently. This asshole should lose for how he’s acting, but he’s not fighting me so I can’t do anything about that. Cheren’s doomed to lose because this is my rival, and the game doesn’t even seem to get that he’s pissing me off or else it’d be set up so I got the chance to fight him after and can prove I’m better by crushing him decisively after his victory.

Much like last game, the designers seem to be acting like these other characters are fellow players who deserve the same level of consideration as me, missing the point that the only reason I would do that for a player is as a compromise for their own enjoyment – and there is no one else behind the NPCs to be enjoying their time in the limelight. It’s why the bane of RPG writing is the module written around the designer’s own pet character.

Anyway, with that stupid bit of temper tantrum, he shoots into the building.

Bianca: Being a Gym Leader is even harder than I imagined.

…that’s your standard for difficult?

She looks back to me. The next thing is to make it so you can use the C-Gear. The C-Gear is a cool device for communications, such as Infrared Connection or Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection.

She goes on about this for a while, despite the fact you could stick all the info about it on the screen when someone turns the thing on for the first time. Also, as far as I can tell it’s totally useless for me and just serves to take up space and occasionally battery if I turn it on by accident.

Like, what are you going to do now? You know, there’s another Pokemon Gym in Virbank City, which is just past Floccesy Town.

I would have found this out just fine on my own, you know.

I’m blocked from going into the gym. Let’s see what happens if I talk to Alder again.

Alder: Oh! You won a Gym Badge! That’s the result of understanding your Pokemon and bringing out their power!

Right then, continuing…

Bianca: Hey there!

God just let me play the game.

I’m sorry! I forgot to upgrade the Pokedex that I gave you! I’m going to add the Habitat List! It’s an amazing feature! I’m just going to borrow your Pokedex for a second!
With the Habitat List, you can check which Pokemon are in the area! It’s a mode in the Pokedex! To use it, open up the Pokedex and tap the Habitat List button on the lower left of the Touch Screen! Next, pick the area you want to see! You can see all the Pokemon that live in that area. It even tells you which ones you’ve already caught! Would you like to hear my explanation again?
I have a tip for you! When you’re walking down a path, you’ll sometimes see rustling grass! If you go to that spot… Well, I’ll let the rest be a surprise!
Filling up the Pokedex will make your world bigger! So go to many different places and meet many different Pokemon, OK? See you!

Okay, so that’s legitimately useful and I’m surprised and encouraged that she didn’t explain the rustling grass in the usual ridiculous detail.

I’m not sure why I couldn’t just start the game with this.

This seems like a cool idea, though. I’ll see how it works in practice.