Last time, hey, it’s Team Plasma.

Seems the people walking around right next to me and the person loudly saying they’re just here as a mole are in fact real Team Plasma grunts, they just have no peripheral vision whatsoever.

Pokemon are like our puppets! They are bound by their Poke Balls and controlled by our orders!

See, game, if that’s not true, why would any pokemon be obeying someone saying this?

Actually, that’s really the core problem with their being a group that uses pokemon and also oppresses pokemon. Either they must be physically able to force the pokemon to obey them implying pokeballs somehow do that because they’re using the same equipment as everyone else, or

Even if we don’t have our hero anymore, we still won’t lose!

I’d really like some clarification on the hero business here. Calling him a hero implies you’re one of his actual true believers, in which case shouldn’t his defection be a big deal to you? If you’re one of the ones in on the plot who didn’t actually care, in contrast, it’s weird to be saying “our hero” and not “the legendary dragon” or something else focused on what you were using him for.

Maybe if Team Plasma can take over the Unova region, our king will come back…

Why would he? I realize the average person may not be too clear on what happened with N and why he left, but let’s consider two obvious facts. First, you’re currently planning to take it over by destroying it, which is going to be causing harm to pokemon and doesn’t seem to have anything to do with freeing them. Second, half your coworkers loudly and constantly talk about the virtues of abusing pokemon.

N’s supporters were the ones who actually cared about pokemon. Why would someone like that still be here assuming the problem was just that Plasma hadn’t taken over the world?

Onward:

Those idealistic fools who thought they were saving Pokemon are all gone.

So you’ve lost like half your numbers already. Also, there seem to still be some kicking around, though I agree, they should have all left by now.

All of us left here are real thugs wanting to take over the world!

Not going to be much of that once it’s destroyed.

Next room:

Nobody has used the beds in this room. If you think I’m lying, then take a rest!

When I did this I was sort of hoping it was a trap and when I woke up there’d be a dozen of them. But no, you just heal.

This is so random. Why not just put another fake Plasma person here?

We changed our uniforms so that if the king came back, he would know without a doubt that he didn’t belong here! That traitorous little punk!

Why are you even calling him king then? Also not sure if uniform changing has that clear and obvious a message.

Someone tells me about the two legendary pokemon, which for some reason causes me to picture them exactly and for some reason that makes the pokedex record them.

If you have these Pokemon, it’s so easy to control the Unova region, right?

Well two people seem to have them without doing anything, and also, I think you only need one. That’s what people were saying last game.

You getting in our way means that you find us worth the time, doesn’t it? …Being ignored would make us feel awfully lonely. Er, no, I mean even if you get in the way, we’ll take over the world this time!

What the fuck.

I’ll have you know that the Pokemon I’m about to use was stolen from a child!

Why would that matter to either of us?

And indeed, a L50 liepard appears. Fucking Failry better not be on my heels.

And…huh, nothing seems to come of it.

Anyway, at least this is sort of puzzly! There are a bunch of warp pad and you have to keep trying them to find the ones that lead to the buttons you step on to deactivate the electric death barrier. Of course, all you have to do to solve it is just go to where you started if you pick the wrong warp pad, and you can access all the potential options from the main area, so it’s not Saffron levels of confusing.

With the barrier down, I can now…access another warp pad.

Zinzolin: You’re an impressive Trainer to have made it this far. Since you went to so much trouble to come here, I’ll show you something. This is… And the box goes spiky. The legendary Pokemon of ice! Its name is Kyurem!

Haaahraa…

Back to normal text box: The ice missiles we fired into Opelucid City were created with Kyurem’s power and Team Plasma’s technology!

We can guess as much. On to new information.

Well… You could become a treat to Team Plasma,

What’s most annoying is he’s right. I “could become” because I sure as fuck haven’t been yet. What have I done? Chased a couple people. When I corner and beat them, they just walk away.

so we will eliminate you here!

Just try i-

And Failry comes running to my “aid”.

Not with me around, you won’t!

Although it’s nowhere near as bad as the first game, since there isn’t a rival pair to highlight the gender disparity, playing a female character lends Failry’s treatment a bad subtext. You’re left thinking, why is the character treated like this? Why is she secondary to this guy, why does this guy think she’s only good for backup? And if you avoid this by being male, there’s no female characters at all for much of the game. It’s like the inverse of the usual situation where the ability to play a female makes the game instantly more gender equal. The plot is so fucked up that anything out of the ordinary just makes it look worse.

Back to the game.

Thanks for removing the barrier! That was a big help!

Zinzolin: Hmph! We’ll simply eliminate both of you!

And…battle time. Another liepard appears.

Well. They’re not even high level. I think Failry’s pokemon could have taken them by himself, no problem, and it’s Failry who gives me the most problems.

Zinzolin says something about how the longer you live the more opportunities for failure when I win, which is either a threat or him being depressed.

Gary: I’m not going to lose to Team Plasma!

The battle just ended and I won.

By the way, what is this place?

Really now.

Suddenly he notices something. That Pokemon… It’s so icy…

There’s something wrong with you.

Could that be the source of the attack on Opelucid City?

THIS WAS JUST EXPLAINED TO ME

Zinzolin: Hmph. You’re a smarter Trainer than I expected.

So now he’s insulting me, because he explained it to me.

If you’ve got that much sense, why did you do something as dangerous as sneaking into our base?

First, obviously wasn’t dangerous curbstomp etc etc. Second, I’M RIGHT HERE TALK TO ME!

Gary: That should be obvious! I’ll do whatever it takes to get my sister’s Pokemon back! Are YOU the one who stole a Purrloin in Aspertia five years ago?

“If that liepard came from somewhere else I don’t give a single damn, keep it, abuse it, work it to death, whatever.”

Zinzolin: If it’s just a Purrloin, someone probably stole it and is using it.

He gets that, it’s why he keeps asking about it.

Why can’t you understand? There are other Purrloin. Why are you so fixated on this one?

It’s basically the representation of all his youthful angst at not being strong enough to look good to his little sister, usually referred to here as “caring about it as a unique individual”.

Gary: That’s the ONLY Purrloin in the world that my late grandpa caught for my little sister!

oooor I guess the game could flat out admit that it’s just a piece of property valued only for the memories it holds in relation to other people. That’s more honesty than I was expecting.

Zinzolin: An individual’s feelings… To you, that’s probably a matter of great importance. But from the perspective of other people, it is a trifling matter indeed.

Yes finally someone gets it!

Compare those feelings against the majesty of this ship!

Someone insane, but still, they’re more reasonable than Failry!

This ship itself is a device that uses the Pokemon Kyurem’s power!

“Plus it flies.”

With this ship, this time we will conquer Unova! It looks like Kyurem has fully recovered. We’ll put the DNA Splicers to good use.

Awesome.

I’ll let you take care of them, Shadow Triad!

Gary: Don’t mess with me! You were the one who lost!

Which is why he’s calling in someone who didn’t lose yet to stop us. Pay attention!

And…cutscene! Looks like the boat flies through ice energy somehow?

And…now I’m back on the shore.

Gary: Team Plasma! No matter where you fly, I won’t let you get away!

You just did, idiot.

But, what’s over there anyway?

In a couple minutes? A lot of ice.

And Cheren’s shown up. Cheren, you’d better make a decent showing of yourself, my patience is at its limit.

Cheren: Sorry I’m late…

It’s the only thing you’ve done right.

I suspect they’re flying toward the Giant Chasm.

See, if I could talk I could point out that I know that’s where the next thing of theirs is, having run across Plasma members. But I’m just here to do other people’s work while they killsteal.

Gary: The Giant Chasm! That’s deep in Route 22, right?

Already been there, game. You know this. Why can’t you modify dialogue for once.

OK, I’m going! Farla! You come too!

I hate you so, so much.

That Pokemon… Kyurem, was it? Its cry sounded lonely somehow.

Oh no not lonely! How could the people who say they use pokemon as tools and abuse them for the hell of it possibly do something that mean!

Then Failry runs off.

Cheren: Kyurem! Team Plasma is using Kyurem’s power for evil?!

Well it really depends on your definition of evil.

I mean, I’m pretty sure that the ice cannon should be killing people, but I don’t think the game’s acknowledged that. Their goal itself seems pretty amoral. I guess you could say that taking over the world in a dictatorship is “evil” compared to, say, a democracy, but it isn’t particularly clear what the existing government is. The people with real power seem to be the best trainers, and if that isn’t a might-makes-right setup I don’t know what is.

I guess they’re setting up a criminal government, but then, going back to the trainers, isn’t that just another form of might-makes-right? If people can’t stop you from committing crimes they aren’t crimes under that framework. Plus, their criminal actions are to beat people’s pokemon and steal them…pokemon those people claimed as property in the first place on the basis they beat the pokemon.

So…possibly? But probably not.

Cheren dot dot dots as he ponders this.

Then how should we stop Team Plasma?

They don’t seem to even be fighting with it, it’s just there. There’s nothing stopping us from beating the actual people.

If Kyurem is, like Drayden said, a legendary Dragon-type Pokemon,

the fucking phrase returns

Also I believe he made a point he did not, in fact, have any clue if it was or wasn’t.

the only ones who could stand up to it are Zekrom or Reshiram!

Look, back in the first gen dragon types were definitely a big deal. Second gen, still pretty tough. But I think the shine’s long worn off the idea dragon types are super awesome and unbeatable.

It’s not like this region’s lacking for other legendaries, either. If the plot was halfway coherent I’d be meant to stop it with those legendaries that’ve been showing up.

But… Neither of them is here right now…

So go call the protagonist from last game. You remember, she was the only one who didn’t suck.

Where are the ones the legendary Pokemon recognized as heroes, anyway?

The whole end of the game was nothing but you fuckers calling me on my phone! How could you not be in contact with her? Maybe she threw the stupid xtransciever off a cliff.

I guess I just have to find one of them!

Please tell me more of how unimportant I am, game.