Okay, so now I’m on the other side of the tunnel. I see Failry lurking not far beyond, so, can I sneak past and see other stuff first?

…yes! Great.

The gym’s right there too. I wonder if Failry’s already been there.

And he is. So much for your claims of singleminded vengeance, Failry.

If you’re looking for the Gym Leader, he went swimming off into the ocean yelling about the sea!

Please tell me he’s not getting married to it.

Please look for him if you’d like.

Well that’s a weird way of putting it. Also, no. I think I’ll stay away from sea-marrying freaks.

Let’s try the pokecenter.

Wow, seriously? Your Jellicent can use Surf! Cool! Seriously, I give mad props to you! You ride and Jellicent is ridden… The vibe between you and your Pokemon is insanely awesome!

The human/pokemon relationship was so much more functional before the game tried so hard to argue for it.

Another person explains why this is a new area: Humilau City was a resort known only to a limited number of people. But personally, it’s more fun if many people come to visit the city.

Actually too many people would first make it crowded and then polluted, though that doesn’t change that it’s pretty fucked up for the very existence of a city to be hidden from most people.

On to the ocean.

Pokemon just wait inside their Poke Balls until they are needed… Pokemon sure are convenient for us humans.

Yup.

I’m training to not be fooled by the swimming ladies… I’m not just looking at them!

Uh.

Let’s just move along.

There’s a cave. Other side of Seaside Cave, I guess. Yup.

It’s all because of havin’ love for Pokemon, right?

I’ve seen the fanfic so let’s just stop here and part ways.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

My character is clearly a minor, why are you telling her this?

Come on! I’m gonna have you battle!

I’m going to report you to the police.

Wouldn’t it be nice to give your Pokemon a little something?

And I get a berry. Surely my pokemon would appreciate a gift that wasn’t totally self-serving a bit more.

Pokemon are always standing by their Trainers, right? You have no idea how lucky we are!

I have a good idea how unlucky they are, though.

Oh hey, reached that asshole blocking my way.

Mmm! My Roggenrola and I have been waiting for a strong Trainer like you! If you want to pass, you must beat my Roggenrola and me!

I actually don’t need to any longer, so screw you.

But, I guess I wouldn’t want to miss out on taking your money, so okay.

Just to let you know, my Roggenrola and I are the sturdiest things that were ever sturdy!

Less talking more losing.

Oh and his name is Rocky. Very funny, game.

His pokemon aren’t even that tough. They’re L48, which isn’t too impressive even before taking into account they’re all roggenrola.

Mmm! Your strength is the real thing! My Roggenrola and I must become even sturdier, so we’re off to continue our training! Farewell!

He’d better not pop up blocking another cave entrance later on.

Well, back to exploring.

The path of karate is the path of humanity…and the path of Pokemon!

How’s that work?

And there’s another of the unmovable “boulders” that’s clearly just another lazy crustle blocking the other exit. It really doesn’t make sense that I can’t just attack it.

Ooh, you can see stalactites hanging from the ceiling.

Okay, I’m tired of my cobalt lion. It’s brittle (might just be bad luck but whatever, it’s not working well with a half attentive playstyle) and besides, I never get on well with fighting types. Dumping that and my jellicent, getting my zozorak and serperior again.

Now to actually go look for the stupid gym leader.

Gary: We’ll get the DNA Splicers back for sure! So you should focus on defeating the Gym Leader first!

Is that your rationalization for your own behavior?

Anyway, I don’t see why I have to do that first of all things. Defeating the gym leader is proof of how strong I am, it doesn’t make me that strong.

…oh god that’s what’s going on, isn’t it? That’s why they want me to beat the gym leaders. It’s like in the anime where Ash always learns some important lesson from beating a gym leader, it’s getting treated like I need to do this to grow as a trainer.

After you get the Badge, we’ll look for Team Plasma!

I didn’t think this clusterfuck of a plot could get worse, but here we are, listening to an NPC tell me that the people trying to destroy the world are no big deal and I should focus on fighting gym leaders.

I’m not gonna let the Unova region become an ice sculpture!

Everything else you say contradicts this, as do all of your actions.

Anyway, so now I have to go track down this lazy asshole of a gym leader.

…and he pops right out of the water? Okay, I guess that’s easier. Kind of underwhelming.

Uihaa! Sup, you must be here to challege the Pokemon Gym! I’m the Gym Leader, Marlon. Sorry to make you look for me, yo.

Not an issue, really, I’d barely walked over.

Why even have me look for him in the first place?

I was swimmin’ with the Pokemon, and it felt real good, so I kept goin’ and goin’.

Right, padding.

I’ll be waitin’ in the Gym, ‘K?

…okay, fine game. If you don’t want me to actually explore, I’ll just go straight to the gym and ignore the rest of your town.

In Humilau’s Pokemon Gym, you proceed by hopping on the lily pads and sliding across the water’s surface. Here’s another piece of advice! Water-type Pokemon really don’t like Electric- or Grass-type moves! But I’m sure the Gym Leader has planned for that!

Then what good is your advice?

Okay, so the gym is very, very pretty.

It’s also very, very linear. I’m hoping the battle at least will be different, because certainly the puzzle here isn’t.

It is said that water will not grow stagnant as long as it keeps flowing…

Uh, still water is the definition of stagnant. It’s not some clever ancient saying.

So as long as I keep moving onward…

You’ll keep butchering your inspirational phrases?

Okay, so there’s what could have been a puzzle here. See, you jump onto a lilypad, and, because no one understands how lilypads work, they’re just little floaty things with no connection to the bottom, so the force of your jump sends it to the other side.

But, if there’s another lilypad, the momentum is transferred, and yours stops in its track while the other keeps going. And then you have another one you can use in another area.

But it’s not much of a puzzle, because there’s basically only one way for things to go. Very last section is basically as hard as I’d expect the opening one to be. You can beat it by just jumping around a couple times until you end up where you’re supposed to be.

Current Team:

L52 serperior
L49 seviper
L53 escavalier
L53 gothitelle
L46 zozorak
L44 volcarona – its poor moveset is really holding it back. The only decent move it knows is fly. What I’m doing is using fire spin with it to try to whittle down enemies, but it’s not as effective as, say, flamethrower. But I don’t have any fire TMs to fix the situation.

Sup! Here already, huh?

Yes because your puzzles are a disgrace.

You look strong! Shoots!

What?

Let’s start!

Anything to end your dialogue.

My serperior has learned wring out, which does more damage to high HP enemies. His first pokemon is a L53 wailord. At least it knows ice beam, but if that’s all the guy meant about the gym leader being ready for grass types, I’m unimpressed.

Next up is a L53 mantine. Which again is good with grass types, but isn’t going anything to survive an electric type.

Then a L53 carracosta, which I use to heal my serperior.

Finally, a L55 jellicent dies a quick death to my serperior as well. My serperior’s gained two levels from this battle!

You totally rocked that! You’re raising some wicked Pokemon! You got this Trainer thing down! he says right after the battle. No. More. Slang.

Marlon: You don’t just look strong, you’re strong fo’ reals!

What did I just say?

Eh, I was swept away, too! Oh yeah, yo. I was so surprised that I forgot! I gotta give this to you!

Is the idea that, because this is a tourist town, his accent is an ungainly frankenstein creation from other people’s?

That’s the Wave Badge, the Unova region’s new Gym Badge! Pretty sweet, right? Now you got all eight Badges, so you can be tight with any Pokemon!

Game, the more you make it into a friendship thing, the less the already flimsy badge system works.

Oh yeah, got a TM for you, too!

Scald.

So Scald sometimes burns the target, ‘K. Oh, and you can even use it when you’re all frozen and chillin’ and stuff! Shoots! I’m off then! Hope it’s useful!

It’s actually a pretty good move, particularly for low-defense pokemon because of burn reducing attack. I really liked it on my ducklett last game. Of course, none of my current team can learn it.

And then he hops in the water and swims away. Shockingly, I retain the capacity to walk and can move to see him continue swimming, rather than being frozen until he leaves the screen.

So anyway, I’ve now gotten all eight badges before going after Team Plasma, who are currently midway through their plan to destroy the world. It’s just like a bad OT fic!