Drayden: Let me tell you the story.
It’s not like I have a choice.
It’s a long story, but listen closely. It was two years ago when the two dragon Pokemon were awakened.
Oh thank christ someone’s finally using the shorter term.
The black dragon Pokemon, Zekrom, pursued what is ideal, with the desire to usher in a new world of hope. And the white dragon, Reshiram, sought what is true, with the desire to usher in a new world of goodness.
Wait, that doesn’t seem really equivalent. Pursuing ideas is an inherently hopeful thing. Pursuing truth should be a matter of change motivated by knowledge of what needs fixing. With the desire to remove despair would be the direct mirror, although that does seem too strong. It should be to remove or address something negative, though – truth involves knowledge of bad things.
Zekrom and Reshiram were once a single Pokemon. You may wonder why it split in two.
Not really, I already sat through this explanation. Sequels are generally played by people who played the first game.
You know what? This should really all be optional information. Like that library with the ghost. There for the player to read if they want to, but not something you’re forced to go through to progress.
The single dragon Pokemon had helped the twin heroes bring a new region into being. But the twin heroes–the older brother who sought the truth and the younger brother who sought ideals–sundered the region into two as they fought to see which of them was right. In that desperate hour, the single dragon Pokemon split its body
Which really doesn’t seem like something that’d help.
into a black Pokemon and a white Pokemon, even though ideals and truth don’t need to be in opposition!
Well evidently they do.
He begins to pace.
As the story goes, a third dragon Pokemon, Kyurem, also came into existence in that era.
Why didn’t you bother telling me this two years ago?
And there may be proof of this to be found in a treasure passed down in my family for generations:
Ooh, gimme!
the DNA Splicers.
Wait.
What?
You people have had DNA splicers for generations?
…YOU PEOPLE HAVE HAD DNA SPLICERS FOR GENERATIONS AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T DONE A ONE SINGLE STUDY TO SEE HOW TRAINED POKEMON BEHAVE TOWARD OTHER POKEMON?
Professor Juniper’s research determined that the materials in the splicers date back to the same era as the materials used in building the Dragonspiral Tower.
So that’s a pretty solid bit of evidence for the pokeworld being post-apocalyptic. There were probably wildlife studies back then, they just didn’t get preserved like this random gadget did as an heirloom.
Oh, the DNA Splicers are stored very safely.
Incidentally, Mr. Mayor, hasn’t it occurred to you how irresponsible it is for your family to be hoarding an ancient artifact as a “treasure”? That belongs in a museum.
I guard them because I don’t know what kind of power might lie within them.
So I think we’ve stumbled across one of WV’s role models on mayoring.
But here’s what’s been bothering me… Could there be more than one dragon Pokemon?
Suddenly, I’m suspicious that perhaps the legendary blah blah type bit didn’t stop because the original scripters did, but because the translator revolted. This sentence sure seems like it needs the qualifier of legendary, if not -type. Otherwise, uh, your team alone has more than one dragon pokemon right there.
Even only speaking of legendaries, though, there’s obviously more than one dragon type legendary. You just said there’s two, even if it did start off as one. Plus hasn’t there been a dragon type legendary before now?
Even if Kyurem really exists, we don’t know what kind of Pokemon it is.
Uh, why does that even matter? Why is the dragonness your issue with this whole story? Also, it’s obviously an ice type.
For starters, the two Pokemon the ancient Pokemon split into are both overwhelmingly powerful. So if Kyurem exists, could it just be a husk–a shell that was left over?
Your comparison is flawed by the fact there’s already a husk pokemon that’s plenty powerful.
And suddenly there’s shaking and a spiky box saying Boom!
Drayden: Hm?
He’s sure taking earthquakes coolly.
What was that sound?
God willing, our deaths. Anything to make the talking stop.
He heads out.
What was that?
You just said that.
Holy shit Team Plasma is now sky pirates. What.
Sky pirates shooting ice energy that grows into massive ice crystals in defiance of the fact that would water as well as cold.
Now everything is ice! It looks so cool!
This world of ice…
Then Drayden sends out his haxorus because I guess he’s a dick. I mean, I have plenty of pokemon and none of them have a weakness to ice.
Haxorus! Use Dragon Tail!
“Send that ice back into its pokeball!”
Rarh raaaah!
Nothing happens. It and my avatar are confused, Drayden alarmed.
That’s enough, Haxorus! He recalls it. Not only did the ice stay unbroken, there’s not even a scratch on it! What’s going on?
Maybe you could try fire moves.
???: I don’t think that’s going to work.
Please be N. Also, if N, please don’t suck and make me hate you.
Oh, it’s Team Plasma. Acceptable!
Drayden: I remember you from N’s castle.
And I remember YOU from KILLSTEALING at N’s castle. (Also, wasn’t it really Ghetsis’ castle?)
Zinzolin: It’s bitter cold. I’m shivering. I’m suffering, but I’m alive!
…thanks for the update?
It’s what the essence of life feels like! It’s proof of my existence!
Oh man I get you! Hey, come here so I can punch you. You can thank me later, it’s no problem.
But that’s enough of philosophy. Here are the facts for your admiration:
“We have a skyship. It shoots icebolts. Final Fantasy > Pokemon therefore we win.”
This ice was specially created by Team Plasma’s technology. As long as we have our secret weapon,
Guys.
you’ll never be able to melt or break this ice!
Guys. Look. You’re the enemy team, and I appreciate your efforts. But you really need to look into the evil overlord list. Variants of “don’t fucking tell the enemy what the weak point of your plan is, you moron” are a good third of it.
Let me explain our purpose here. Drayden, hand over the DNA Splicers!
Also, if you know someone isn’t going to hand over what you want, you’re better off going straight to the fighting part, ideally without even tipping them off about what you’re after.
Opelucid City is a city where the past and the future are entwined. Could there be a more perfect place for the splicers that connect the separated Pokemon?
It angers me that your nonsense reasoning is somehow correct.
Drayden: Do you think someone who knows what you did two years ago will just hand them over quietly?
Zinzolin: Humph. That’s what I thought you’d say.
THEN JUST SHOOT HIM FOR GOD’S SAKE
At this point, I’d like to threaten you with another volley of ice, but we can’t use it for a moment…
This is embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for Team Plasma. I’m embarrassed Nintendo thinks I’m so incompetent I need an enemy that’s so incompetent. I’m embarrassed to be playing a game that hands me victory. I’m embarrassed for all script writers and videogame designers. I’m embarrassed for everyone.
Sigh. It won’t be enjoyable in this cold, but I guess we’ll just search for them.
And.
They leave. Walking away from the place that has what they want.
Their enemy unharmed behind them.
Drayden: Those foul villains!
You gotta admit the ice looks awesome, though.
Farla! I want you to help me!
Okay but this better be the kind of “help” where you give me something and I do something, and not the Failry kind.
We’re going to drive Team Plasma out of Opelucid City!
soooooooo Failry kind then.
Oh! He walked off instead! Thank god.
Really, though, the ice looks so awesome! Plus, there’s that mist you get from cold things put somewhere warmer, and it’s everywhere. A+++, graphics people.
