Last time, I reached Lacunosa Town.

Professor Juniper: Hi there, Farla!

Bianca: Hee hee! I used Fly, so it looks like I beat you here. Thanks for your help in Reversal Mountain!

Professor Juniper: If you go straight past Lacunosa Town, you’ll reach Opelucid City!

Oh, right, I was heading there. Also wait, I’m STILL not there? If you want me to talk to this guy so bad, maybe Bianca could loan me her flying pokemon, since apparently that one can go to other cities than mine can.

But before you go, there’s something I want you two to hear.

It’d better be epic and not tutorial bullshit.

Bianca: What is it?

Professor Juniper: You’ll know soon enough.

HOLY SHIT JUST SPIT IT OUT

Hurry now!

And she walks me to some building.

Professor Juniper: This is the place!

And she leads inside.

Inside is some old woman and her karate-obsessed offspring. Or cradlerobbing date, I don’t know.

You must be the ones who want to hear that old tale about Lacunosa Town.

We are? Well, sure.

Professor Juniper: That’s right. Please tell us.

Behind Lacunosa Town, there a mighty big hole. Have you heard of the Giant Chasm?

Bianca: Oh, I’ve heard that around the Giant Chasm, there have been brief temperature readings of -58* F!

You know, that’s an awfully specific number. If something’s causing the temperature to suddenly drop, there should still be intermediate areas where it’s reading -20 or something.

That’s what Cheren told me, anyway!

When did you even talk about this? Learn to get your own news.

Professor Juniper: The road is blocked, so we can’t get there right now…

Because clearly, flying pokemon can’t surmount such an obstacle.

A long, long time ago, the Giant Chasm was created when a big meteorite fell from the sky.

The scripting of this is so terrible. It keeps naming Juniper and Bianca, but doesn’t do the same for this woman. All or none, game.

A really scary Pokemon was hidden inside that meteorite…

Professor Juniper: A meteorite…

Why don’t you know this already?

When darkness falls over the land, this Pokemon appears. A frigid wind follows it.

So it’s the Others. I, for one, welcome our frozen zombie apocalypse. It’ll be more interesting than people telling me to talk to other people.

It freezes everything and eats people and Pokemon…

Okay, that line’s probably wrong, I hit the button too fast and I didn’t want to restart.

That’s why everyone was afraid.

Bianca: The Pokemon ate p-people?

Oh no! Only pokemon are supposed to be eaten!

So our ancestors surrounded the town with walls, to prevent the Pokemon from getting inside the town.

See, they even stopped it with a wall!

Also, a rule was made forbidding anyone to go outside after dark.

But if it’s getting past the walls so that night isn’t safe, what’s the point of them?

…And that’s the end of the old tale!

Okay then.

Professor Juniper: A fascinating story! I’ll add it to my research records. She turns to me. Everyone, we should be going.

And then she and Bianca hoof it.

Let’s see what else the old lady has to say. Like, why the story ends so abruptly, for one thing.

That’s sure a scary-sounding Pokemon, even in an old folktale.

That’s it?

Karate guy? Anything more?

My grandma loves old stories!

Huh, you look more grown up than I’d expect for a grandson. I guess she’s really old then.

I’m always having to listen to her really long stories.

Well, see if she’ll tell me any more, they’re probably true and all.

But sometimes if it’s night, she’ll fall asleep right in the middle of a story.

I’m trying to get information here! She was helpful, why are you so useless?

It’s OK though. She’s not only healthy, she’s a free-spirited grandma, too!

Gah. That was pointless.

Oh hey, Juniper and Bianca waited for me outside.

Professor Juniper: Wasn’t that an interesting folktale? The Pokemon’s true identity may be unknown, but the power mentioned in the story is incredible!

What, the eating people thing? I could totally eat people if I wanted.

Bianca: I know… The power to freeze everything around it could even rival the power of the legendary Dragon-type Pokemon.

Yes, Bianca. It’s almost like Zekrom, who scorched Unova with intense lightning long ago. By the way, Farla, do you remember the story of Zekrom?

Yes, game, I was there.

I told you a little about it in Lentimas Town, remember?

I JUST SAID I REMEMBER

Zekrom is

GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP REPEATING INFORMATION I JUST TOLD YOU I KNOW

a legendary Dragon-type Pokemon that lends its power to the person it recognizes as a hero pursuing ideals.

IN THIS CASE THE IDEAL OF MURDERING YOU FUCKERS

It has a black body, and it can unleash fearsome lightning!

Ah yes, N was so cool!

Bianca: Professor, do you think there’s a connection between the Pokemon from the old story and the legendary Dragon-type Pokemon?

AND ALSO STOP SAYING LEGENDARY DRAGON-TYPE POKEMON, FIND A SHORTER PHRASE IT’S STUPID.

… says Juniper.

Professor Juniper: The meteorite.

Bianca: The meteorite?

The writer: Paid by the word, you say?

Zekrom was revived from a rock called the Dark Stone. Let’s suppose the meteorite from the story and this stone are one and the same…

What stone? Do you mean “that stone”? Because “this” is how you’d refer to something you’re currently dealing with, while “that” would be the appropriate way to talk about something from a preceding sentence.

Take into account that elements from the same era were found in Dragonspiral Tower, where Zekrom was, and in the Giant Chasm… It doesn’t prove anything, but it could be part of the puzzle. Let’s not write it off as a coincidence just yet…

Bianca: If your theories are true, it should be a really strong Pokemon.

Yes, the sort of thing that makes people enclose themselves in walls and never go outside at night often is somewhat of a big deal.

What kind of a reason would there be for it to only come out at night?

Well, it’s aligned to cold, and the sun is hot.

Like, if, like, it doesn’t like sunlight or something like that…

Exactly!

Until we look into it more deeply, it would be hard to say anything about that. Now that I think about it, the name “Lacunosa” could be derived from lacunosus clouds, which are clouds that resemble a net or fence.

Uh, kind of a non sequitur there, Juniper.

I wonder if the name is related to the part of the story where they built walls to protect the town from that Pokemon.

Okay but why specifically cloud fence shapes, instead of just directly using a word to mean fence or wall?

Sorry, I rambled on a bit, didn’t I? Farla, could you ask Drayden about this, if you get the chance?

You know if they insist on having all these scripted bits, they could at least step up their characterization to go with it. Like, what if Juniper didn’t want to talk to Drayden because they’re on terrible terms with each other? That’s also why I can’t just say she sent me and have to go about it like a normal challenger. See, that works so much better than because Juniper just feels like ordering me about.

I’m going to do a little fieldwork. Bianca, help out, OK!

Bianca: Sure thing! She walks over to me before leaving. Oh, just so you know, Opelucid City’s mayor, Drayden, wrestles with his Pokemon to toughen them up!

…okay, and?

Professor Juniper, wait up!

And that’s the end of the cutscene.

So now I’m outside in the dark in the city of no one allowed outside when it’s dark. Nothing seems to be appearing. Let’s see what I can find in the houses.

Of course it’s dangerous to go out at night. Maybe you should stay inside during the afternoon, too. Then there’s no danger at all!

How do you people get anything done?

My work always keeps me busy, so I’m thrilled if I can go home at night.

…huh, given their outdoor thing, does that just mean that if you stay late you have to stay all night?

I’m sorry to leave my wife lonely, but that’s the life of a powerful executive. Oh, this is a souvenir from a business trip. She does not seem to need it, so I will give it to you.

You’re a really bad husband.

He gives me a berry. A powerful executive and you can’t even get her something better than that on a trip?

There are a lot of people in the world, and there are just as many different characteristics and ideas. I think I’d be really happy if I could meet a lot of people and see the differences for myself!

Also you could just take your wife with you.

Found a metronome  Apparently that’s an item that boosts the power of a move if you keep using it, despite the fact the move metronome causes random moves so shouldn’t it be the opposite?

There’s something the dowsing machine reacts to, but I think it’s outside the city.

But seems Failry hangs out here.

Okay, during daytime there’s people.

Gary: What’s up? Have you see Team Plasma anywhere around here?

What if I have? They’re my experience and money, okay! Finders keepers!

I heard a rumor to that effect…

Good to know. I’ll just leave for completely unrelat-

ARG they appeared. No! Wait for Failry to leave!

Zinzolin: Oh, for crying out loud…

That’s my line, dammit.

This is troublesome indeed, my curious Trainers. Perhaps I should satiate your curiosity somewhat. The reason I am still part of Team Plasma

What made you think I was surprised by that?

is this: I want to know how the world will change.

Okay, that’s pretty good. I’m basically in it for that most of the time.

Listen. Pokemon are nature. Poke Balls are civilization. Humans who are used to civilization don’t relinquish it easily. Of course, both nature and civilization are important. But what will happen in a world taken over by Team Plasma? People will be forced to throw out Poke Balls — a product of civilization. I want to know what that looks like! And I want to enjoy it!

This was exactly my outlook when I was ten!

Gary: Shut your mouth.

He’s really, really obnoxious, isn’t he? The game keeps trying to present him as a hard kid willing to do hard things, simmering with such rage he has no time for this. But I’m not here to be the sidekick to an action movie character.

All I want is to get back a stolen Pokemon!

Well, does the pokemon want to get back? Because your side of the argument has claimed that pokemon stay willingly, that pokeballs totally don’t trap them. I have yet to hear anything about Team Plasma using special evilballs that work differently. The pokemon’s been with them longer than it was with your sister, and familiarity is 9/10ths of the law. You’d be stealing it back at this point – but oh, not that you’d care, given you just keep whining that you feel weak for letting them take it and upset your sister lost it, not for the creature itself. It’s just a prize to you.

Farla! Give me a hand! You ready?

Give me a sec, I need to make sure my strongest pokemon’s on top so I can kill yours as fast as possible.

Gary: Got it! Go get ready and then come back here!

No, I can rearrange my team just fine right here, Failry.

Being careful against opponents like these isn’t a bad thing!

Actually, game, it is. Part of the difficulty of the games is facing opponents you aren’t ready for. That’s why the rival jumps you out of nowhere. That’s why you can’t heal between battles at the elite four. If you’re meant to always be in perfect shape, they might as well have a mechanic that autoheals you after every battle.

…THAT WAS NOT A SUGGESTION, NINTENDO.

Anyway, the battle music fades out to the gentle town music, because by all means there’s no need to have any sense of tension. My serviper’s L50, so I’ll put that on top.

Gary: Are you ready to pitch in?

Since that’s apparently my only option, sure, I overflow with enthusiasm.

OK, let’s go!

Gary: Just to let you know…You’re about to feel my rage!

Please please please please please please please please let the endgame involve them beating the shit out of this little snot. Everyone can gather round to talk about how sad and whatever it is, and demand I avenge him.

Holy shit, my serviper was just frozen. Dammit, you idiots, I’m trying to help you!

STOP ICEBEAMING MY POKEMON THERE’S A FLYING TYPE RIGHT THERE DAMMIT HIT HIM!

Ah, victory. Managed to kill all Failry’s pokemon before he could steal my precious experience points.

And then actual, hard-won victory, requiring revival herbs and ending with but a single one of my pokemon standing.

Team Plasma: What’s with these two? I’m battling alongside Zinzolin!

And I’m saddled with having to beat up Failry for the first few turns. You couldn’t be more pathetic if you tried.

This shouldn’t be happening!

Indeed.

Zinzolin: These trainers remind me of that one from two years ago.

I can’t believe you just compared my avatar to Failry! You’re going on the dragon list.

More important, we must continue our search.

The error is not mine here, that’s faithfully transcribed.

Like that scientist said, it might be in Opelucid City!

“The scientist also said we should loudly talk about the plan and the exact area where we’ll be if anyone wants to stop us! It didn’t make a lot of sense, but who am I to argue with science?”

We’ll play with you later!

That has been a real problem with these battles. There’s no sense we’re actually stopping anyone. The initial battles seemed to be a driving-away type of thing, but now it’s like they’re deliberately showing up to fight us, then continuing on their way.

Gary: Get back here! he shouts, his voice a box of spikey hate. Oh, game, it was so cool when you did that last time because you didn’t do it constantly.

Okay, one more house.

When I think about it, says a breeder, my Pokemon is much stronger than me… Poke Balls are sure amazing.

You are doing a very poor job of presenting pokeballs as not part of enslaving them.

This is Lacunose Town. Here, everyone lives according to the rules, from the moment they awaken to the time they go to sleep.

I’m starting to think the pokemon actually makes people drones.

The scary monster that comes out of the big hole at night is actually a Pokemon right? Adults were just saying that to frighten children, huh?

What about it being a pokemon precludes it being a terrifying monster?