Okay, so, time to finish up the lab section. I deign to speak to Hau, who says he’ll be checking out the Diglett’s Tunnel – so, sounds like that’s open now, thanks for the tip – and then make an attempt for the elevator that Prof. Labsafetyfail is standing determinedly in front of.

Kukui: How about that, Bonnibel? If Ultra Beasts really are out there, I wonder what kinds of moves they can use…

Well, I mean, God itself still sticks to the general pokemon moveset, so… I mean, they could have some fun signature moves, but going off “they’re like pokemon but extra strong and aggressive” it doesn’t seem reasonable to expect them to be all that different. The only sign something weird’s going on is that they have a special name, but in-universe, there’s really no reason for that.

The professor and the professor who can’t figure out shirts tell me that the final trial is past Diglett’s Tunnel and so presumably why I wasn’t allowed through previously, because railroad. How about the asshole with the stoutland, is he gone yet?

Lillie says she’ll be staying and chatting with the professor. Is she the one Lillie was waiting for earlier, or is there someone else?

Hau…repeats his line about checking out the Tunnel. God damn it game, I try to work with you by willingly talking to him instead of charging right out and then you pull this.

Stepping out, apparently space is getting pretty messed up because a portal opens right above me.

It looked like…a crack in the sky?!

Well, no, actually.

I wish people were a little more thoughtful about their metaphors. A crack is, by nature, a hard break and generally a jagged one. If it’s wobbling and stretching, it shouldn’t be called a crack but a puncture or tear.

Does this sound pedantic? It’s not! See, space-time is often modeled as a sort of rubbery stuff, as it deforms in response to weight. The opening we’re seeing matches fine with how you’d model that – if you try to pull open a rubbery tear further, it’s really hard and produces that back and forth wobble. And that, in turn, means this is not necessarily extra-dimensional (this fits fine with very theoretical models about wormholes between different areas of our universe), or if it is, a breach between two dimensions appears to follow the rules for a breach in space in our dimension. Meanwhile, an actual crack is something that does not match so nicely with any of our existing models. A “tear”, while extremely worrying, is a possibly natural, possibly non-apocalyptic event while a “crack” is several stages up on the we’re-fucked meter.

(Also, we already have existing situations in the previous game where round holes with reinforcement form, which again, fits well with the idea of a rubbery puncture pulled open and held in place and not with punching a jagged hole in a glass window.)

My point is, Bonnibel, proper descriptive language is really important, especially when dealing with rare or unique events, and I am disappointed in you.

Hau then shows up to tell me the thing about where the last trial is, again, so I’m also disappointed in him.

Screw you game, I’m going to try to get past the other roadblock.

Sorry, but my Stoutland is a real thorough kind and likes to uncover every last stone!

ARG. Seriously, please god let there be a fanhack one day that is just this exact game only without this bullshit.

Well, screw you game I’m gonna go catch pokemon I missed. Also I got my abra up to L15 by making it play on a rope course, so I’ll raise that.

Morelull.

As it drowses the day away, it nourishes itself by sucking from tree roots. It wakes at the fall of night, wandering off in search of a new tree.

So it’s a parasite, but one trying not to overly burden any given host.

And it’s grass/fairy.

Surskit.

When this Pokemon senses danger, a sweet fluid oozes from the tip of its head. The taste of it disgusts bird pokemon.

Why would birds hate something sweet? Sweet smelling but foul tasting is certainly possible, but just “sweet” doesn’t mean that.

Oh, and Grubbin’s evolving!

Charjabug, the Battery Pokemon.

From the food it digests, it generates electricity, and it stores this energy in its electric sac.

Not a big fan of the design, honestly – don’t like inorganic pokemon, don’t like organic pokemon coincidentally looking like inorganic blocks. This is one of those that feels kinda digimony to me – and not only did I prefer the look of the average pokemon, but Digimon’s universe was designed to justify why they looked rather slapped together and unnatural, while Pokemon’s always presented their creatures as natural organisms.

Now my abra.

Kadabra’s presence infests televisions and monitors with creepy shadows that bring bad luck.

Huh, that seems more a ghost thing, you’d think.

I then trade my kadabra.

Its brain cells continue to increase in number until its death. The older the Alakazam, the larger its head.

Now, alakazam always look rather insectoid to me, and generally animals with internal skeletons have trouble with head size, so I’m now picturing alakazam molting periodically.

Goldeen! Followed in short order by a seaking, so that’s who I’m getting first.

Trainers who are crazy for Seaking are divided into horn enthusiasts and fin enthusiasts. The two groups do not get along well.

Hm. It seems unlikely this is simply a matter of appreciating the default seaking, so it’s likely we’re talking selective breeding to maximize a given trait while ignoring the rest. That generally doesn’t end well for the animal.

Right, let’s try for goldeen now.

Spellbound by the length of its horn and the beauty of its fins, many strange Trainers raise Goldeen and nothing but Goldeen.

And now this one looks weird in contrast with the previous one! Goldeen has a pitiful horn in comparison to seaking. I wonder if this is part of how a lot of pokemon families are nebulously positioned as a single organism vs multiple connected species, and we’re meant to assume trainers are charmed by the goldeen/seaking family’s horn. But while goldeen to seaking is a straight development in horn terms, finwise they look very different. Goldeen has the one flowing curved tail, which I’d class as fancier overall, while seaking has the doubled fins.

BUT. The idea that there’s a big bunch of goldeen fans around is interesting, and I’m disappointed I haven’t run into a whole bunch of people fielding six goldeen so far. That’d be a nice touch and it’d make more sense than everyone using magikarp.

Ah, and an alomomola at last.

They float upon the open sea. Many water Pokemon gather in the area around Alomomola.

Also wasn’t planning on doing anything with the fletchling I caught, but then I realized it was already past the level it needed for evolution, so I bumped it up one level.

It will not tolerate other Flechinder entering its territory, which has a radius of several miles.

So…no calling for help, then?

I really do like how obnoxious the calling for help mechanic makes random battles, but I would like it to be a little more dependant on the pokemon involved. There’s a lot of pokemon that really do seem like they’re probably not social. More inter-species unions, as well, and more stuff like accidentally calling a predator.

Anyway, I head into the tunnel at last, where Oliva grudgingly stops roadblocking me. Deeper in, I see two of the Aether people.

Phew… With Oliva in charge, we’ve finally managed to make some headway against those Diglett.

They’re then startled by my appearance. Is it because you’re secretly murdering the diglett???

Oh! Alola! We’re members of the Aether Foundation. We work to support Pokemon conservation. It seems like Team Skull was responsible for the Diglett in this cave getting so riled up and bringing them all to the surface.

No….. I’m pretty sure they’re just like that. Kanto’s Diglett Tunnel is a nonstop bloodbath.

(But hey, maybe the real moral here is that people in Kanto are assholes while in Alola they actually try to live in harmony rather than constantly angering pokemon with thoughtlessness and then thinking the endless rage is just normal.)

Oh, Team Skull is this group of troublemakers, you see… They seem to delight in interfering with Trainers and their Pokemon.

It’s interesting that only they seem to bother explaining Team Skull is a problem. I think this might be like someone very earnestly explaining that escaped balloons are a big concern or something – they naturally assume I have no idea who Team Skull is, because nobody really notices or cares, but you see actually their idiotic forgettable bullshit sometimes actually affects things!!!

Diglett normally live in elaborate systems of underground tunnels that take years to dig out.

And as they’re now nature-documentating at me, yuuup this really does seem like exactly what a conservation group would sound like. Later they’ll explain how improperly disposed of cigarettes aren’t just a minor eyesore but a big problem for the crawbrawlers who eat them.

We’re here to ensure that they return to their tunnels and let people pass through here without having to fight so many Pokemon.

That, or they’re secretly poaching them all and then they’re like “Oh no no, see, you aren’t seeing the diglett anymore because they’re just so happy they went back underground!”

Possibly both, depending on if we’re doing that thing where half the organization doesn’t know what the other half is up to.

Some of the Diglett are still stuck on or near the surface, though, so be careful!

Stuck is a really odd wording for something that can burrow at sixty miles an hour.

Anyway, not only do those assholes want to deny me deadly pokemon battles, but then they walk off without so much as trying to beat my pokemon unconscious. Damn hippies.

Ah, and now further in, I run into Team Skull, whining about how the diglett kicked their asses. Apparently they’re still up for a battle, though. And then Hau runs in.

Okay, Hau, here’s the deal. My team is currently pretty weak, so, in the interests of friendship, I will allow you to double battle. HOWEVER, should you heal my team, they will no longer be weak and be entirely able to battle properly, at which point I will respond to any double battle nonsense with my usual scream of KILLSTEALING FUCKER and attempt to murder your pokemon friends.

Okay? Okay. So, with that in mind, what would you like to do?

THANK YOU. See, was that so hard?

The gloom that enfolds us like fog…we can’t seem to shake it off, says the female one. This is why you have your goth poetry journal, so you can write all that down without anyone having to hear it.

They run off. Hau waves bye as they do so.

Hau: Man, Bonnibel, when I fight with you… It’s like even my Pokemon feel more at ease!

Just remember our talk, Hau. That’s all you have to do.

You really are some kind of Trainer. That’s it! I’ve just gotta give you something!

It’s a max ether. Eh, whatever.

He then begins hopping up and down.

Now I’m gonna go have some more fun with those Diglett! See ya!

Now, given his two pokemon are a fire type and an electric type, and his pikachu was in perfect health, I think he means “having fun” as in literally playing with the pokemon.

Also, I’m now fully healed. That’s wholly acceptable. And my meowth is evolving!

It looks down on everyone other than itself. Its preferred tactics are sucker punches and blindside attacks.

Yeah yeah you hate cats I get it.

To make this all weirder, apparently the Alolan one evolves by friendship. Like, you could maybe say that cuddling and pampering an asshole cat just gets you a bigger asshole cat, but the main way you boost friendship is with battling together. (I mean, you could evolve it by doing the out-of-minigame cuddling of paying to getting it groomed and feeding it actual items, but the point is affection is pretty much disconnected from fighting, while the friendship one is pretty connected.) It just doesn’t make a lot of sense that a friendship evolution, or a “happiness” or whatever the exact name we use is, would be an antisocial asshole rather than a level-up evolution.

Current team:

Oricorio L20
Mareanie L19
Persian L20
Morelull L21
Dewpider L17
Rockruff L19