Kukui: Bonnibel!

Ugh okay fine.

Kukui: What’s going on? Some Team Skull punks just ran past me going in the other direction, yeah?

Yeah? Physical locomotion is usually how people travel.

I sure wish they’d challenge the League instead of getting up to no good all the time…

How do you know they weren’t? Maybe that’s why they were rushing.

The League?/Challenge what?

Kukui: Ho-ho! You’ll find out soon enough! Just you wait, cousin.

So is there any reason at all you’re here, or…?

Kukui: But first things first. If you want to head up Mount Hokulani, we should take the bus.

I’m fine walking, though. Or riding. Really, I’m generally fine moving on my own, at my own speed, rather than getting cutscene teleported.

It’ll blast us up there to the top, yeah, as quick as a Sky Uppercut!

You really are not helping your case.

Then the cutscene ends, but somehow the bus isn’t there. Rotom tells me to go look at the bus schedule. Rotom, I know what a bus schedule is and looking at it does not change when the bus arrives.

There’s a bus stop here. Do you want to wait and catch the bus to Hokulani Observatory?

I guess that works as a mechanism. It’d make more sense if we could actually call the bus, though – you can’t tell me they don’t have the technology for smart buses yet.

The bus arrives.

Our safe driving record will absolutely slay you!

Dot dot dot, game. Dot dot dot.

And, as promised, we instantly teleport to the top without so much as an animation of the process. No careening hilariously up a mountain path or anything. Somehow, Kukui has teleported far away to the railing and is now demanding Bonnibel come over. Bonnibel, for some reason, does so. It sure wasn’t my input.

Kukui: Mount Hokulani is the second tallest mountain in Alola.

Oh, so it’s not? But this looked like the only snowy island…or are we not on that, and the snowy one is the one next to us?

And the tallest…

Check it out, Bonnibel! You see that steep, jutting, majestic peak over there?

That’s Mount Lanikila…the tallest peak on Alola!

I think that’s it, anyway, it’s always hard to transcribe when the text is scrolling by at a set speed.

We return to turn-based text with Kukui continuing, It’s a sacred spot, yeah, the closest you can ever get to the Legendary Pokemon of Alola, said to be the moon incarnate.

But also said to be a totally different thing that came out of a hole. And somehow, it’s distinct from the tapu, who are merely unique highly powerful pokemon who feature in legends.

That’s it! Right there! On the peak of Lanakila! That’s where I’ll establish our Pokemon League!

Jesus christ Kukui, is every single idea you have a bad one?

So first off, just – seriously? Not only a sacred spot but one in the most delicate and easily damaged environment you could’ve picked, and you think that’s where a giant building should get plopped down.

Second, why the hell should you guys have a League? Just because you got your ass kicked across Kanto at theirs? That’s because you suck, not because you guys need your own one with you in charge. You guys haven’t even got the population for this – you’re a tiny collection of islands! Even if you did this, and even if you got someone less sucky at the head of it than yourself, it’s still going to be known as the community college of Leagues at best, and everyone will know that anyone halfway decent will end up trying out the League of a full region. Hey, remember that time Ash beat the champion of the Orange Islands and then nobody ever cared and he’s still never legitimately won in a real League?

Third, and maybe you missed this while you were planning to shit all over the sacred top of the mountain right in front of an incredibly powerful doom monster, your people already have their own perfectly valid traditions! The fact you flipped those off to go try to compete in Kanto and then failed doesn’t mean they’re the ones who need to change.

Fourth, did I mention you suck? You suck. Why are you in charge of this? Is it because you’re so arrogant you didn’t take the hint when nobody else wanted to sign on or because you’re so arrogant you didn’t even ask anyone else?

The dittochild, of course, just stares at him with her usual faint smile.

Kukui: We’ll get everybody who’s finished their island challenges, yeah, and up there on the peak of Mount Lanakila, they’ll battle against the kahunas to become the island challenge champion!

As opposed to the current system, where you battle against the kahunas to finish the island challenge.

You know what would redeem this? If Kukui’s real goal was to get everyone killed. We already saw that poor boy and his crippled self-esteem from failing at the island challenge early. Kukui seems to have done better but not that great, which in some ways is even worse, but once everyone who actually finished their challenge is eaten by a bat made out of stars and bone, HE will be the greatest trainer on the island.

Kukui goes on to say, I’ve always valued our old traditions here in Alola, but it’s time to make a Champion the whole world will recognize! It’s time to get our own Elite Four and make our own Pokemon League!

“Nothing says valuing traditions like replacing them with the ones those sexy, superior mainlanders have!”

He then laughs manically. To think that, someday, the kiddos in Alola will be able to go from being the island challenge champion to the world Champion!

Is this what you tell yourself to sleep at night? That it wasn’t you failing at the Indigo Plateau, it’s only that Alola didn’t have its own championship and if they did somehow things would’ve been different and you’d have won and won and won and become the champion of the universe forever?

And then, when we have our own Champion, they can show the rest of the world what’s so special about Alolan Pokemon and their Trainers, yeah!

Oh yes, because as a small collection of islands, what you really want absolutely most in the world is for your unique species with their extremely limited native ranges and population to become in high demand. That has definitely always worked out great for every island community who tried it before.

But don’t worry, Alolan ecosystem! Bonnibel will catch all of you before anyone else can. And Kukui can’t destroy your culture and sacred traditions if I enslave your gods and make a mockery of your cherished beliefs first!

I run around for a bit and run into Alolan Oak again, who babbles about another pokemon and then cutscene teleports away. Then I approach the building, and another cutscene, of course, which also makes Kukui reappear with me, because boy did I want to spend more time. The guy at the door recognizes him as “Royal” and I give no fucks. He’s introduced as “Molayne” and fuck-giving remains constant. Apparently he does both telescoping and PC box management, which means maybe finally getting those expanded. Also, he’s not captain, but he was captain, but I still. Don’t. Care.

Like so many things, a dialogue generally takes more space than a monologue. If this guy had just listed off his traits, we’d be done by now, PLUS we’d avoid that problem of Bonnibel standing around trapped in the cutscene while other people talk to each other.

Then I’m told the current captain is busy and I don’t caaaaaaaaaaaare. Finally he says he’ll fight me to let me prove myself worthy of fighting the captain. Couldn’t you have just skipped to that?

He leads with a L29 skarmory. So, he’s leading with a pokemon about as strong as the grimer of a kid who completely washed out of the challenge. It’s followed by a L30 dugtrio, and finally a L29 metang. I mean, I realize he’s not a captain, so it makes a degree of sense for him not to be the hardest of battles, but there’s no point in him being a roadblock if he can’t put up a fight either.

He says okay wow, I can fight the captain.

Kukui: Yeah, I think she’s even stronger than we were at this point in our island challenge!

Uh, I just kicked his ass. Pretty sure I’m even stronger than him at any point. Also, really seeing how completely failed at Kanto’s League.

He then leaves promising to go drag Hau up here too. Yeah I was really concerned about that, thank god you’ll be forcing him to be a nominal part of whatever happens next.

Rotom tells me to head in. I do what I want, so I decide to see what I didn’t get to see on the bus ride and head down.

Sorry, youngster, but I can’t fight you. My Pokemon is like a brother to me. And he’s not interested in battling weaklings. If you want me to ask him to fight against you, then beat all the Trainers on Mount Hokulani.

That’s an interesting way of putting it, isn’t it.

I head into the grass and a minior appears. My oricorio uses feather dance a bunch of times, then it explodes. Which works out okay, all things considered, but I’d meant to catch it.

I switch my sandygast to the front and try again. This time, it selfdestructs on the first turn.

DITTO.

With its astonishing capacity for metamorphosis, it can get along with anything. It does not get along well with its fellow ditto.

Oh! I wonder if that indicates a degree of self-loathing to ditto. Or simply that they want a form, and other ditto aren’t any good for that.

Another minior. I try a quickball, but it busts out.

Sandygast hits L27 and learns hypnosis. I try that, only to discover minior have an ability that makes them immune.

I decide it’s time for save scumming rather than use up all my quickballs.

Oh, a beldum!

With magnetic traction, it pulls its opponents in close. When they’re in range, it slashes them with its rear claws.

No, it doesn’t.

Game, you know it doesn’t. Beldum know one and only one move, and it’s take down. Here, let’s do a quick refresher on what moves beldum can ever use.

They do not pull their opponents in. They don’t use slash, or scratch, or any other move that has to do with claws. They just slam themselves into their opponent, over and over, until one of them stops moving. I agree it doesn’t make that much sense to me that this is the one and only thing they can do, but that’s the fact of the matter.

Anyway…so, apparently that guy who got in my way for like thirty whole seconds has a team featuring pokemon that can be caught around here. Now, was that because they’re trying to keep trainers to the pokemon in the local area due to the way the pokedex is set up, or is the idea that the reason Kukui has the weird qualifier about how strong they were at that point because pokemon only live a few years and the team I fought bears no resemblance to the team they had during the island challenge? Is what makes the kahunas special mostly that they manage to find the time to keep training pokemon after pokemon, while most people can only afford to do it as a one-time thing when they’re a kid?

It certainly would go a long way to explaining why you can set out as a kid and soon be beating up hobbyist adults, as well as why pokemon are everywhere but their impact on the surrounding world seems limited. On the other hand, it’s incredibly depressing to think the reason adults only have a couple is because they want to actually enjoy their extremely limited time with each individual pokemon, and the hundred or so I’ve captured so far will all be dead soon.

Minior, at last!

wtf it’s a different color now do you have to catch them randomly to collect the different colors Alolan Oak was going on about?

And on the pokedex screen, it’s only showing one, so is this going to be a repeat of the form weirdness we first encounter in fourth gen where the first one you see is the arbitrary default?

Okay, so the pokedex informs me this is the Meteor Pokemon, Yellow Core. Oh dear god don’t tell me we’re handling this like unown.

If its core stays exposed, it will soon die off. It’s possible that it may survive if it’s put into a Poke Ball quickly enough.

…but it had a shell when I caught it. And hitting it with attacks didn’t make its core come off. So…the act of catching it skins it so that it can only survive captured?

Let’s check out the details on yet another redundant ability that prevents falling asleep.

Shields Down
When its HP becomes half or less, the Pokemon’s shell breaks and it becomes aggressive.

So they were really into overly complicated abilities with unhelpful blurbs this generation. According to Bulbapedia, shell version has immunity to status moves, unshelled has improved stats. Also for some reason it’s locked off from the various moves that can change abilities, and furthermore if a ditto turns into one, it doesn’t get the ability. Why?

And it’s rock/flying, I guess because they wanted it to be levitating but it can’t levitate due to having a different ability, so now somehow a rock floating in midair is weak to lightning and resists bugs but all the other things floating in midair aren’t.

Then I fight a hiker with a weird looking geodude. Are you part dark type too? Or steel? I guess I’ll find out.

Next I find a camera spot and finally get the fourth version camera…which just lets me zoom in marginally more. I mean, I’ll take it, but you can barely tell the difference. I’d much rather be able to chuck food at them or something.

And now I’ve reached…well, not the base, but there’s another bus blocking my way and I’m pointedly asked if I want a ride to the base. Why are you doing this, game? Why? Why can’t you just let me walk around?

Going down to the base, I again find the way blocked off, and then entering the bus, I’m back up top. I particularly don’t get why there’s not even a cutscene of the travel.

Okay, observatory time. And I’ll switch around my team yet again.

Cubone L24
Oricorio L26
Gumshoos L27
Araquanid L26
Cutiefly L24
Minior L25

Inside I’m pleased to see people are sciencing hard.

We uncover the universe by having our huge computer calculate and calculate until there’s nothing left to calculate anymore! Please don’t fail us now, computer!

I feel like there should be an alakazam around. There is a magnemite, but if anything, wouldn’t you want those guys banned from the area? You’re doing delicate work here.

In the next room, another scientist complains, Old Molayne and Sophocles are thick as thieves. They’re up all day and all night, playing games together and whatever else they do. It’s amazing they still manage to get their work done, but it’s not easy on the rest of us…

Ah, disgruntled coworkers. Truly, this is a place of science.

Aaand right that guy in the plaza was called Sophocles, and the guy out front mentioned the plaza. Also wow, so this entire building has no women in it at all.

He tells me I’m getting close to my goal, then asks if I like the plaza.

No, honestly.

It’s clunky, the games are repetitive, I’ve either had the worst luck or the buildings suck, and the way you get credits based on trades is poorly implemented – there’s only one slot for a person to stand, so if I’m trading, I need to stop to talk each time instead of letting me keep trading until I’m done.

Hmm. Then I don’t know… Fine. Whatever. Let’s get started.

Right now?/Right here?

The timing doesn’t confuse me – he’s damn well better cough up that trial. But I admit, this doesn’t look like a good location for it.

Right now, right here.

He explains that the trial is about beating the totem pokemon, so instead of exploring a gorgeously rendered special area, what if he just summoned it now, because he hates all joy. Somehow, this is done thought a machine.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I built a machine?

Given you’re supposed to be the one training the totem pokemon which suggests it should obey you normally, yes, I do wonder why you needed to involve a machine in this.

Here at the observatory, we also monitor sounds that we detect from outer space. There are sounds that are inaudible to people but Pokemon can hear just fine. We broadcast the sounds we have gathered terrestrially and monitor the reactions of Pokemon.

That’s actually quite interesting but not really an answer.

The machine that summons the totem Pokemon makes use of this technology…

See, I wasn’t asking why you built machines in general, I was asking why you needed a machine to get the totem pokemon to show up.

Utilizing other sounds we have gathered, we also developed a security system here… But that was actually Big Mo’s invention. Just so you know…

Pretty sure I’m going to continue not caring about you guys.

He then starts going on about how this is completely untried, which means there’s no reason to think it works and that this wasn’t just a lot of talking about nothing.

Everything goes dark in what’s either his actual screwup or a fake screwup to mess with me. Regardless, I then have to do an audio quiz, which is a fun change of pace, particularly because I’ve played the games for a long time but am pretty bad at thinking in sounds.

After all that, the battle is actually pretty easy – my gumshoos uses bide, holds on at one HP thanks to high affection, then oneshots the totem pokemon. From there, it’s just a matter of mopping up its ally.

Then my cutiefly evolves. Ribombee.

 

…Not really a fan – cutiefly was great, while this one looks way too human, to the point of looking like it’s wearing a scarf.

Some of Ribombee’s pollen puffs are highly nutritious. They are sometimes sold as supplements.

I find the qualifiers here interesting. Is it hard to tell which ones are nutritious? Is the possibility of such fraud the reason they’re only “sometimes” sold? Are there laws against it in some areas but not others, or are there periodic bannings in response to floods of worthless puffs, only for those bans to expire or be overturned, and then the sellers return and con people until another wave of bannings in a cycle of sketchy alternative medicine?

Ah, and the ribombee promptly tries to learn pollen puff, so it’s a move. That suggests it’s capable of producing the nutritious ones on command…but I point again to the “sometimes”. There’s some reason why they aren’t reliably sold. Maybe they can only produce so many nutritious ones so people pad the quantity with others, or maybe they’re just the sort to sneak bad ones into the mix when they’re asked to produce healthy puffs.

The user attacks the enemy with a pollen puff that explodes. If the target is an ally, it gives the ally a pollen puff that restores its HP instead.

So it’s like a regular move and healing move combined, or like a far superior version of delibird’s present. This doesn’t seem very balanced.

Well. That was definitely different, but I’d really have preferred getting to run around a new area. And there’s no reason it couldn’t have been both. Also, the guys are chattering to each other about how great an idea this all is and how Sophocles really is a great captain, blah blah, just because he’s a timid anxious mouse child who’s your cousin doesn’t mean this was a pile of nepotism, blah blah.

Usually it’s the island kahuna who appoints the captains. But there are some, er, unusual circumstances here on Ula’ula.

And while the cat’s away, the mice will appoint relatives to unearned positions of power. Perhaps reading these thoughts behind Bonnibel’s blank smile, the other guy just hands over the steel crystal. Oh boy, I get to miss TWO fun areas, wow thanks game.

He says it got it on his island challenge, which implies there’s still an area giving them out and him giving me it is letting me skip someone else’s challenge.

And if we’re done here, Bonnibel… Could I ask you to do a favor for me?

If it gets me out of this asinine sideplot, fine. Why did anyone think this game really needed to spend my time on a boy getting told he’s super awesome for a dumb idea that didn’t work which he shouldn’t have done in the first place?

It’s the dumb mask. Are you guys connected to everything I don’t like?

I try exploring the room, but despite being jammed full of stuff, there’s almost nothing I can interact with. So, I guess that’s it for this area.

And I didn’t even get more PC boxes.