Looker: Amazing! Bravo! You have done it! I must call the chief back at once!

Anabel: I’ve finished sending the data from the UB you protected to HQ. And to Ms. Wicke as well. Thank you for your hard work, Bonnibel. With this data, I think we will be able to solve the mysteries regarding UB Beauty…otherwise known as Pheromosa. Ugh…

Looker: What’s the matter, Chief?!

Anabel: I;m fine… I’m fine… There were just so many of them this time that I was nearly run off my feet…

So they are attacking people? But also they’re all found in the other location I was told to go to. This is really not well implemented. Perhaps something like her watching the entrance of wherever I’m exploring and saying she’ll drive them back if they try to leave.

Looker: … …

Anabel: What? I’m fine, really! Please don’t stare at me like that!

Looker: Y-yes. Of course, ma’am.

Anabel: You two must also be tired. What shall we do now?

Looker: If you are terribly exhausted, there is only one natural conclusion to make… The one thing that takes away all weariness! It is, of course, a feast! This time, indeed, we must have a great feast to celebrate our successful mission! And there is a restaurant here on this island where we can eat to our stomach’s content! I speak of course of the Battle Buffet!

Anabel: Of? How curious. How is it that you are once again so familiar with the local restaurants?

Looker: … … I-it’s just by chance! The chanciest of chances! not the Chansey-est, mind you. Just chance! N-never you mind that! The most important fact right now is that it is a very popular place! I will go at once to make a reservation!

Anabel: Mr. Looker is simply hopeless, isn’t he? And Mr. Nanu…he was an excellent police officer years ago. He was on par with Mr. Looker even…back then. I’m really only here in this position now because of him…

I don’t know how much more clearly I can say I don’t give a fuck about Nanu.

Looker, spikyboxing as always: Es is ein Desaster!

Anabel: Oh? Mr. Looker? Back so soon again? Could it be…

Looker: Yes, it could indeed! In fact it is, Chief! I’ve gotten a tip about another UB sighting! This time it is on Akala Island! We must delay the feast once again!

Anabel: Roger that, Mr. Looker. Then we must hurry to Akala Island at once.

Looker: Yes, ma’am!

And then I get it explained to me that they’re going to the motel there. Of course they are. So then I go there.

Looker, hanging out with Annoying Artist I Still Hope To Push Off A Ledge: Oh! Here you are at last, Bonnibel! I’ve already been able to gather all of the intel we need about the UBs this time. So the chief has already left to help secure the site and protect the surrounding areas.

Mina: Hallo!

God, game. The only possible justification for the Looker thing would’ve been so he could get the information without me having to interact directly with the most annoying kahunas, and that could’ve been more gracefully handled by using the ones I don’t hate. Why must you go out of your way to do this the worst possible way?

Looker: This precocious young lady here was my informant this time!

Mina: They sent me here on an errand. Since I’m not busy doing trials or anything.

The fact they hate you like I hate you isn’t an excuse for you to be here, it’s a reason you shouldn’t be in the game.

Looker: Hmm? Who is that?

Mina: It’s a secret. Oh, and I had one more order I was given. Or was it a request? Either way…

Looker: What might that be?

Mina: I was told I should have a real serious battle with Bonnibel before I came back.

OF COURSE. Because it’s not like I’m in the middle of something, and something that, storywise, appears to be a grueling string of battles with no time to rest. Why not pick right now to hassle me?

Mina: I don’t really know why, but it seems like maybe it’s some sort of trial of strength.

How about a trial of intelligence? Where you all remember that supposedly the UBs and reality cracking open is a big deal, instead of everyone dicking around doing nothing?

Mina: So come on! Let’s have a battle! Have a Pokemon battle against me!

Sure/Hold on

Fuck it, okay pokemon team, remember, it’s okay to miss and “accidentally” hit somebody else. If Looker objects, we’ll just “accidentally” hit him too.

Well, it burns most of my items, but I win.

Mina: Whoa, you’re surprisingly strong! Then it’s no problem. Turns out, you’re strong enough, Bonnibel.

For what? If this was the first ultrabeast section, I would merely resent you for thinking I needed your approval to continue. This is the third, so you’re also incompetent.

Looker: It seems that my precocious young miss here is not to be trifled with either…

Why is she “yours”, creep?

Mina: OK, I’m out of here!

Looker: She is rather odd, isn’t she? A real individual spirit… But now we should get our heads on straight and get to work! I do not like it, but I am in charge of backup once again! And for you, Bonnibel. The Beast Balls you will need for this mission! First, the regular reports, let us get them out of the way, my young friend… And he repeats the bit about Wicke. Again, this really seems like it’s supposed to be spaced out.

Well, he’s again failed to actually tell me what I need to know, so I have to ask. Given how it’s presented, this seems more like a scripting mistake than anything.

Looker: UB-03. Code name: “Lighting.” Yes, I can tell you about it! It appears to be an Ultra Beast that can wield tremendous electric power–as its name implies! Sightings were made in two locations. Lush Jungle and Memorial Hill! It seems highly likely that the creatures are on the move around Akala Island.

And it’s a xurkitree. I’m really torn on this one’s design.

On the one hand, yeah, they really manage to make it feel bizarre and unpokemony while still monstery. On the other, it’s not merely made of electric wires but has visible plugs despite supposedly being from another dimension with no connection to us. Would’ve liked it a lot more without that aspect of it.

Also, it’s just pure electric. Given it’s made of presumably rubber-coated wires, why not something like electric/ground? Or at least electric/grass. Or some totally off the wall combination.

It appeared from the Ultra Wormhole. It raided a power plant, so people think it energizes itself with electricity.

Alright, so now I’ve got both of those guys.

I head back to report I’m done.

Anabel: I’ve finished sending the data from the UB you protected to HQ. And to Ms. Wicke as well. Thank you for your hard work, Bonnibel. We should unravel the mysteries of Xurkitree, also known as UB Lighting. Ngh…

Looker: Are you all right, ma’am?!

Anabel: Y…yes… I’m fine, Mr. Looker. I just felt a passing vertigo…but I’m fine. Please do not worry yourself.

Looker: But I must! I insist on worrying! You have always had the stamina of a Machamp, Chief! I cannot believe this is nothing!

This is actually a decent part. The setup of women slowly collapses under the weight of doing her job while guy skips along is bad, so bringing up that this is unexpected and not at all how things should be happening is appreciated.

…but like, why not just have Looker be the one collapsing? Because then you’re not fighting against people’s assumption that well yeah, of course the feeble female will keel over. This line could reinforce what people believe rather than trying to make up for it.

Anabel: No, please… It is nothing so serious… I’m sorry for causing you to worry about me. I insist that I really am fine… Putting all that aside, I must say that we have found a great ally in Bonnibel. What a fantastic Trainer… It was all that I could do to simply keep Xurkitree away from the town… The UBs seem to get terribly aggressive when they spot me… It’s like they are treating me as prey or an enemy…

Looker: I…I am sure it is only your imagination, Chief! You must be exhausted!

Nanu: …I let myself in.

Anabel: Mr. Nanu…

Nanu: You been keeping well?

Looker: Y-y-you are…

Nanu: Heh. So it’s you, 100kr. Or…Sorry, what was it now? “Looker”?

Looker: …Yes. It is.

More importantly, why the hell was it ever anything else? Who told the design team about leetspeech and have they killed themselves for their sins yet?

Nanu: What’s this? No smile for me? Here I am, coming out of my way to bring you the info about the UB that you’re searching for.

Anabel: Are you really?

Nanu: The monaster you’re calling Blaster… It’s on Ula’ula Island. I’ll tell you more when you get there.

Looker: And your information… Is it all true?

Nanu: I’m the kahuna of Ula’ula Island. If you don’t do something about that monster for me, our guardian’s not gonna be happy.

I don’t think the creature currently languishing in my PC has opinions about that island it will never set foot on again.

Anabel: Thank you…for the information, Mr. Nanu.

Nanu: See you around then.

Looker: … …

Anabel: Mr. Looker?

Looker: Yes…yes, ma’am?

Anabel: Mr. Looker… Do I take it that you are acquainted with Mr. Nanu?

Looker: I knew him once. I thought. Never mind that… Right now we need to focus on our mission.

Anabel: Of course… Yes, of course you’re right. If we have reports of a new UB sighting, then our mission is our first priority… I will move to Ula’ula Island and prepare our new base in the motel there. Please join us as soon as you are ready, Bonnibel.

Looker: I will go to Ula’ula… I trust that you will, as well, Bonnibel… The motel on Ula’ula Island is on Route 13…

So now I do that.

Anabel: Bonnibel. Thank you again for coming.

Looker: I’ve been waiting for you…Bonnibel.

Anabel: Once again we have already gathered the intel on the UB we are targeting. Mr. Nanu provided us with everything that we needed to know.

Looker: The UB that has been sighted on this island is known by the code name Blaster… It is a fearsome beast that apparently possesses a fearsome energy that will burn anything… And it was not a single sighting, either…

Anabel: We cannot afford any delays. I will protect the populated areas as usual. Bonnibel will go to the site. Mr. Looker, you will stand by. We will ask you to handle backup. Ngh!

Looker: Are you all right, Chief? I think you are pushing yourself too far… If you would agree, I would be happy to go into the field myself this time and…

Anabel: I’m fine! I can still handle this!

Yeah, this all would’ve been much better with it happening to Looker.

Anabel: I have you to watch my back after all, don’t I?

What’s he actually supposed to do? The reason he’s not allowed into the field appears to be because he’d be totally useless since he has no pokemon, so if both the people with pokemon fail, he’ll…what? Call someone not useless? Why doesn’t he just hand me his phone and I’ll do it?

Looker: …Yes, ma’am.

Anabel: Then I will be off now. Bonnibel, I wish you fortune in battle!

Looker: Do not push yourself too hard, Chief. Please…be careful. Bonnibel, these are for you. Your Poke Balls known as Beast Balls for this mission!

So far, I’ve had only one failed capture. Will my extras ever be useful?

Then he again tells me that I can go talk to Wicke about what they’ve discovered. This would really make so much sense at the end of a mission rather than telling me to go play hooky now.

So fuck you, I’m going to go talk to Wicke! That’ll show you.

Okay, Wicke, talk.

Ultra Beasts are life-forms from another world. If you try to throw a regular Poke Ball at one, the ball will have a difficult time recognizing the creature as a Pokemon, and so the capturing function will be significantly impaired.

So then, are they pokemon or not? Is the real lesson here that “pokemon” was never actually a real grouping? We already have precedent for pokeballs that work on some pokemon better than others, and while most of those have a floor of the catch rate of a generic pokeball, the heavy ball shows it’s entirely possible for a pokeball optimized in one direction to end up worse in the other. Really light pokemon aren’t a fundamentally different order of being than really heavy ones, so it follows that the ultrabeasts could simply have some particular feature rare in regular pokemon, or lack some particular feature common in them, and rather than design something that works off a different feature the two share it makes far more sense that the pokeball that’ll only be used for ultrabeasts would be optimized for the ultrabeasts.

But these special balls should allow you to capture beasts quite normally. They could be considered the foundation’s negative assets, but I hope they will help you.

If you guys have no legitimate use for them, why not just hand me the entire stock?

She immediately stops talking and lets me pick a new question. How suspicious, Wicke. Alright, so let’s get back to the are these things pokemon or not question. What’s so special about them?

The UBs surround themselves with an aura called the Beast Boost. The truth of this aura is that it is the energy that flows within the Ultra Wormhole. When the UBs pass through the Ultra Wormhole, they are bathed in a great deal of this energy and likely store it within their bodies. There are also Pokemon on our planet that possess this same kind of energy. I think you know what I mean. The so-called Totem Pokemon that you faced in your trials. This is because the energy pours down upon our planet when the holes open.

Okay, that’s a really good way of connecting these two similar mechanics. They suggested there was a connection between the totem pokemon, Nebby, and the ultrabeasts midway into the story and they also had an ultrabeast cause a totem boost to Lusamine’s pokemon. This also helps the way the story is vague about if the ultrabeasts are or aren’t pokemon feel more earned – they’ve very different and live in a world that doesn’t resemble ours at all, yet they do share specific traits with pokemon.

This also brings into question the whole trial system and what humans think is going on. We’re told that trial captains raise the totem pokemon – but this suggests that the implied raise pokemon then declare it a totem one had the events backward. Rather, a pokemon just happens to be totemized and the humans read meaning into it where there was one. She’s not even saying that the tapu are the ones who got the power – it sounds like the idea totem pokemon are picked by the tapu is a myth that arose to explain the phenomena, and that in turn goes a way to explaining why the Alolans keep saying the tapu are fickle and/or inscrutable. You’re not going to get very far working out why someone did things if half of your data is things they weren’t involved with.

It’s also exactly the sort of answer that we’ve been leading up to with pokedex entries about how people used to believe things about the pokemon, followed by catching the tapu themselves. There is something special about Alola…and it’s extra-dimensional radiation because this area is just unstable. All their culture and traditions is just a bunch of backwards nonsense that’s burning away under the scrutiny of mainlanders.

Well, let’s kill a bit more of the magic and get the details on each ultrabeast!

UB-01. Code name: “Symbiont.” Properly known as Nihilego.

Who the hell is determining which of these is the “proper” name? People either use all of them interchangeably or they don’t know it exists at all.

There have been sightings reported of this beast in Alola’s past. Its most distinctive feature is its parasitic capacity. When Nihilego latches on to a host, it does not manipulate its actions directly. Rather it awakens the host’s own capabilities and boosts them to an extreme extent in order to protect itself.

In other words, Lusamine was always a self-centered abuser, she jut got more proactive about it.

It injects the host with a sort of neurotoxin to achieve this effect. This neurotoxin of Nihilego’s is incredibly stimulating and inspires feelings of extreme excitement and a lack of inhibition in its host.

Ie, the difference between turning your beloved pokemon into popsicles and announcing proudly to a bunch of children that you did so.

In other words, anything or anyone that a Nihilego latches on to will have its native skills forcibly activated to their fullest extent and will then act as it naturally desires to.

In conclusion, how dare you let Lillie leave with her horrible mother. I’m going to kill you when the game ends.

UB-02. Code name: “Beauty.” Properly known as Pheromosa. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation.

That is interesting – so something’s different between nihilego and the rest of the ultrabeasts, it seems. I don’t think it’s that they actually want to leave given we’re told at the same time as one appears that this is harming it, but perhaps their natural habitat overlaps with the area the boundary is weakest while Lusamine’s attempts to punch through opened a whole bunch of random holes all over.

Alternatively…the world we went to had only the nihilego visible. Is there any evidence that the ultrabeasts all come from the same dimension?

This UB can reach speeds exceeding 120 mph in just an instant. This speed is greater than any other living creature that has been discovered to date.

Uh… With incredible acceleration, it reaches its top speed of 150 mph after running just 10 steps. Now, rapidash’s entry does say it takes ten steps and not “an instant”, but given how fast rapidash moves, I think the time frames are pretty similar. Pheromosa might technically accelerate faster, but it’d only outspeed rapidash over such short distances they’d be hard to measure. Meanwhile, pidgeot can fly at twice the speed of sound and the lati can outspeed jets. It doesn’t even have the highest speed stat – even ignoring deoxys, a ninjask is nine points faster than it, and it comes with speed boost to keep that going up. What might be more interesting is if momentum didn’t apply to it, so it can switch direction or even reverse without any change in speed. That would look at first glance like it was able to accelerate impossibly fast compared to anything else but actually be far more interesting than it being marginally faster over a shorter distance than other pokemon.

But its most distinctive features may in fact be its beauty and its powerful pheromones. Most any creature that squares off against a Pheromosa becomes confused, as if struck by the beast’s beauty, and loses the will to fight.

That’s sure not represented mechanically. Also, way to recycle sexy lizard pheromones into sexy bug pheromones.

It is still a subject of research, but it’s thought that Pheromosa may possess some sort of organ able to produce a pheromonal substance previously unknown to science.

So do you have any of that or are you just guessing at every piece of that?

Wicke responds again by deciding she’s done talking about that. On to the third one then! Will you explain wtf it has a three pronged plug on it?

UB-03. Code name: “Lightning.” Properly known as Xurkitree. This UB was sighted for the first time following the incidents at Aether Foundation. Its most distinctive feature is an organ that can generate power. This UB’s bodily makeup is highly reminiscent of electric wiring, thus enabling it to conduct electricity with great efficiency. It can discharge as much as a million volts of power at a time. When it begins to run out of power, it stabs its legs and tail into the soil, entering a treelike state as it absorbs electricity from the ground.

I do appreciate the sheer madness of getting electricity from ground but this just further convinces me it should’ve been electric/ground or similar impossibility.

Alright, let’s finish up. Looker, you once again failed to give me a location.

Okay, Haina Desert and Malie Garden.

That reminds me, I’ve been filling the pokedex but still no sign of lunatone. So…

Ah! It’s not in the game. Thanks, internet. Off to set up a GTS trade then, then back to work. To the garden!

As an aside, it’s really weird seeing people around when I’m hunting these guys. Even if they didn’t have enough isolated locations, they could’ve done something like removing all the NPCs and saying the area had been evacuated. As is, you can go up and chat with people and they have no issue with the bizarre monsters supposedly chewing scenery right new to them, which at best suggests these guys aren’t particularly dangerous.

Ooh, I really like the looks of this one. Manages to have a similar inorganic look as xurkitree but less manmade.

Celesteela. Steel/flying…again, way too reasonable of a type combo. Maybe steel/fairy, given pokemon like clefairy are now fairies and they have a bunch of star and moon connections. Or steel/poison given it looks a bit like it’s based on a rocket and rocket fuel is fancy and deadly chemicals? And then we’d have a pokemon with a double immunity to poison in the same generation as a pokemon with the ability to bypass that immunity, which is funny.

Really, all of them being /poison might’ve been nice. Rubber wires aren’t exactly great for the environment either. The only one that doesn’t produce an interesting combo is pheromosa, and honestly the real problem there is pheromosa doesn’t look nearly weird enough. (And it would help with the issue that the description makes a big deal of it producing chemicals.) Maybe make it a physically oriented psychic (doesn’t like to touch things, doesn’t move based on laws of physics) instead and we’d have psychic/poison.

Anyway, pokedex:

One kind of Ultra Beast. Witnesses have seen it burn down a forest by expelling gas from its two arms.

See, there we go, toxic flammable gases. Also, I’m left to assume this just happened given the past couple ultrabeasts were said to have never been seen before, which means we were cheated out of finding celesteela in the smoldering wreck of what was once a pretty forested area. How dare you, game! You knew how to make things go boom back in the fourth generation, and BW2 had even more wide-ranging ice effects. And that sort of change would have been all the more welcome when we’re dealing with such a tiny map in the first place.

Huh. Also, it looks like the person writing the pokedex and the one writing the levelup moves weren’t talking to each other, because the moveset is flying, grass, normal, rock, and steel. It can learn flamethrower and other fire moves by TM, which is good – but how are people seeing these guys burning down forests when I can catch them and they clearly don’t know flamethrower?

Welp, I’m done here. And I think that’s all the ultrabeasts I get, so Anabel can finally take a nap. Or get dragged off to a “feast” and pass out at the table. She thanks me for my work.

Anabel: And…we have also had word from HQ. There is only one UB left for us to take care of. And we had our hands full with so many individuals for this last UB…

Not really? That was just two, and so was the previous mission. It’s the second one that was a large number, for whatever reason.

Looker: It was a rather dangerous situation. But you were all right, Chief?

Anabel: Yes, of course! Both me and my Pokemon were fine! Of course we ran into some difficult situations… Being surrounded by the UBs and outflanked by them made it rather touch and go for a while…

How exactly does this work? There were just two and they were attacking me.

Looker: As I’d feared…

Anabel: What is it, Mr. Looker? You have been acting rather odd for a while now, haven’t you?

Looker: Ah… No… It’s nothing.

Anabel: Could it be… Could it be about our long-delayed feast?

Looker: Oh… Yes! Yes, indeed! What a disaster that you have found me out!

Dot dot fucking dot.

Looker: The truth is that I am starving, just starving! How a Snorlax feels, I know exactly how!

Anabel: Hee… How hopeless you are, Mr. Looker.

God dammit Anabel. Do not fuck that. He has no redeeming features.

Anabel: But I supposed we have been putting it off for rather a long time. You must be hungry indeed. Then allow me to take point this time and find a delicious restaurant for us all. (music note)

Looker: Ah… Yes, ma’am! Thank you, ma’am!

Anabel: It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, but I’m actually quite famished myself! So you two stay here and relax while I go and find us a place to eat!

Looker: The chief can’t take much more of this… She must be exhausted.

So why didn’t you order some food delivered? Does this hellhole not have delivery? What sort of tourist economy doesn’t deliver food to hotels?

Looker: She acts particularly cheery when she is feeling unwell to hide her weakness from others.

Then why didn’t you try to argue with her about who should get the food? You were okay arguing with her at the start, why does that stop once there’s an actual reason to do so?

Looker: I know it may be a bit late for this… But there is something I would like to tell you. It is something that happened about 10 years ago now… I came to the Alola region at that time as part of a three-person team to eradicate a UB… Of course we did not know them as UBs back then. It was simply a dangerous creature. My team succeeded in chasing down the UB. And then we tried to put an end to it…

So you guys are murderous assholes? Why do you even ask me to “protect” them this time around? Also, what the hell does it add to the game that this has been going on for ages and I’m not actually getting to discover new things? What is the point of learning people I don’t care about have a bunch of backstory that’s irrelevant to what I’m doing right now?

???: But somebody screwed up.

Looker: Nanu…

Nanu: This halfhearted fool here felt sorry for the monster, even if only for a moment. That moment was enough to get the third member of our team done in by the UB.

Looker: This I cannot deny… I made an error of judgment. I failed to consider the fact that she was not trained for combat.

Oh christ and the one who dies is the only female member of the group, and it’s not something that could’ve happened to any of them but specifically because she had no skills.

Nanu: She was just bait for the UB…

You’re just digging the hole deeper.

Looker: And the International Police knew it… The UBs relentlessly seek out those who have passed through an Ultra Wormhole. The passage must change them somehow…as thought they’ve been bathed in some energy… Something the beasts can smell or sense… It is thought that the UBs can track such people as though sniffing them out.

Nanu: It’s not like the monsters come here by choice. They don’t want to be here.

And yet, I’ve caught them, which means they’re never going to get to go home. The game will never take something I caught from me.

Nanu: So they smell that familiar scent and think there’ll be a wormhole. That they’ll get home.

Wow, this game really never stops being depressing, does it?

Irritatingly, there actually is a solution here – it’s not like previous generations where you just box them. We’ve got an island for the regular pokemon to play in and we’ve established that there are actually holes all over Alola naturally given that’s what makes totem pokemon, and presumably there are plenty that are big enough for intentional travel but just not so big that ultrabeasts tumble out accidentally. And we know that the islands are definitely a place at least one hole opened up given the guy there. So, add a portal you can click and then there’s one extra island in the ultraverse where you can see them frolicking about.

There’s still the issue of me dragging them out any time I want to spit in someone’s face coupled with the fact we’re told they’re in horrible pain just being here, but it’s better than nothing.

Looker: Nanu, you called her bait… She really was, wasn’t she?

Nanu: Faller…

Looker: That is what the International Police calls them. Humans who appear from an Ultra Wormhole…and those who are bathed in a great deal of the energy that pours out from them. She had come through a wormhole. She was from another world.

Wait, are we also getting the multiverse stuff from ORAS in this too?

Looker: And she was put on our team to help draw the UB to us…

Nanu: And now you’re repeating history. You’ve got a Faller right here, haven’t you? That’s right, girl. I’m talking about you.

…so? So what.

Looker: Yes… It’s true. She passed through an Ultra Wormhole. Bonnibel was exposed to the energy, so she may indeed be a Faller.

I was there for it, why did anyone think I needed to be told?

Looker: But…

Anabel: I’m back…

Looker: I’m sorry, young Bonnibel. But let us continue this talk another time.

Oh fuck you both. Anabel outranks you and you’re keeping secrets from her? I’m going to figure out which UB you guys were trying to kill back then and feed you to it.

That’s not even getting into that Anabel claimed to be hunted and your organization couldn’t have known that early that Bonnibel had been to the other dimension. It’s a twelve hour trip from Kanto, and it sure sounds like the other regions are even farther off.

You’re not only doing this because you’re sexist assholes, but doing it even while you both whine about getting a women killed last time.

Anabel: I’m sorry, you two… I couldn’t get a reservation at the restaurant… It seems like it’s a very popular place…

Nanu: Hey, missy.

Anabel: Mr. Nanu… I didn’t realize you were here.

Nanu: Another one of those monsters appeared. This time on Poni Island. I’ll tell you more when you get there. We’ll meet at the floating restaurant in Seafolk Village.

I guess that’s one solution to the food issue.

Nanu: The next one seems like a real tough opponent. Be sure you’re ready for it.

Anabel: O-oh… Yes, of course we will. Thank you again, Mr. Nanu.

Looker: … … …

Anabel: Um…Mr. Looker? Is everything all right?

Looker: Of course… It is fine… Not a problem at all…

Anabel: Then I will make my way to the floating restaurant at Poni Island. Once you are ready, Bonnibel, please do come and join us there.

And so I do.

Looker is talking more with Nanu.

Looker: So you came…young Bonnibel. The chief has already left to set up protection around the populated areas…

Oh hey. So you’re not just refusing to tell her important information to fuck with her, you’re also risking everyone else. She thinks she’s there protecting people but really the whole reason they’re attacking populated areas is precisely because she’s there, isn’t it?

Nanu: You sent her off to the wrong location?

Holy shit and you guys just got worse.

Looker: What choice did I have? She is reaching her limit. We have to force her to stand by to regain her strength…

Except they’re hunting her, you fucking condescending dickhead.

And if they can’t find her at a distance and wasn’t attracting them to the populated areas…then they’re currently tearing apart the people there – because preventing that is what she wore herself out doing in the previous sections.

Nanu: So now we can finish our little talk. You’ve got one Faller right here…and the other one is Anabel. Thought I don’t think she knows it herself.

And it’s important she not know because you get off on that?

Looker: Nanu and I, we found her here ten years ago, unconscious on the shore of this very island. We’d just finished our mission here.

Nanu: … …

Looker: She had lost most of her memories, but four things she could tell us. That her name was Anabel… That she came from the Hoenn region… That she had protected some tower there… And that she was a powerful Trainer…

Nanu: Then she was placed under observation by the International Police. All because they detected an insane amount of Ultra Wormhole energy from her.

So she wasn’t allowed back home is what you mean. And that in turn suggests her being a part of the International Police now is more of a Stockholmy thing from being trapped with them.

Looker: It may be that she was wandering lost in the wormhole for some time… Regardless of that, she then entered the International Police herself.

Sure. There’s really no coercion involved in locking an amnesiac up to study them. Ending up working for your captors is normal and healthy.

Nanu: And then got promoted right up past you, her senior, is that it? Got to hand it to the International Police. They really are terrible. Using the same strategy and setting up another Faller, even though the same thing failed before.

I thought it was you fucking it up last time. Kind of like how you’re fucking it up this time by not helping or even warning her.

Looker: Your assumptions, you are half right in. However…this mission, she chose herself.

Hahaha yeah sure it was a total coincidence, nobody higher up said a thing to get her to say she’d go and the fact they accepted her offer was complete chance.

Nanu: … …

Looker: Perhaps something in her laments, whether she is conscious of it or not…

Hey, you know what’d resolve this mystery? If you’d fucking told her.

Looker: Perhaps she feels some grief over the fate of the UB, which came to this world just as she did. But she is still a Faller. It is her fate to be targeted by the UBs.

It really, really isn’t.

Looker: With a Faller right before them, the UBs will run wild with excitement. No matter how good she might be, everyone has their limits. That is why I had hoped to distract the UBs–to divert some of their attention. That is why I asked you to help with the catching of the UBs…

Nanu: But you’re out of luck now. With Anabel in that condition… She’ll be done for if she runs into any UBs now.

Looker: Hm… Yes, and I imagine that the false lead I sent her on will not buy us much more time…

This could have been avoided by not sending her out alone in the first place, but hey, actually helping her would get in the way of you guys jacking off about how tragic this is.

Nanu: But before we’re out of time, girl… How about a battle with me?

No problem/Why?

Nanu: Why not?

…

You’re so right, Nanu. Just feeding you to an ultrabeast is too good for you. I’m going to make your god do it.

Nanu: If you’ve got some preparation you need to do, then I’ll wait here for you.

Oh, I’ll prepare. I’m going to get your god right now. Not so I can use it to crush you. Not yet. No. I’m going to make you watch me batter it down against your pokemon, and THEN I’m going to crush you. So that you understand nothing will save you.

Nanu: That’ll do, girl. I think that’ll do fine.

Oh Nanu. We have only fucking begun.

Nanu: Don’t let me down.

Looker: I won’t…000. Well then, young Bonnibel… It is our time to get down to work, is it not? Our final UB. Code name: Glutton… Nanu said he would lead it deep into the heart of Resolution Cave…

And I get another ten balls. You know, if the game was going to make a big deal of how important those are, why not have some sort of check where you only get new ones if you have five or less? Because I’ve currently got forty of the millions-of-dollars-each balls.

Alright, let’s see about the beast info.

Looker: UB-05. Code name: “Glutton.” Yes, yes. I can tell you about it. It possesses a fearsome appetite that allows it to be devouring mountains! The sightings report a single specimen. Nanu should be leaving it deep into the heart of Resolution Cave.

And he’d be doing this how…? Because the whole concept of “bait” would suggest the only way of getting them anywhere is with someone like Bonnibel or Anabel.

Looker: But Resolution Cave–it is really so far away. You have to go farther and farther from the Ancient Poni Path–even past Poni Meadow. That’s where Resolution Cave is. It must be tough to reach there, but you should do your best, I implore.

Ah, here we go. And my, what a lovely creature.

Guzzlord.

The types are a complete disappointment. Dark and dragon? Oh come on. If we’re going with types that make sense, it’d obviously be part steel. Or how about rock/dragon, at least? That’s a new type combination. Or maybe normal/steel? Since it sort of looks like a steel version of snorlax. Part water, given it’s crablike and those tend to be water?

A dangerous Ultra Beast, it appears to be eating constantly, but for some reason its droppings have never been found.

And it doesn’t even fit properly on its own stat page! That amuses me.

Well, done I guess.

Anabel tells me once again she’s sent off the data.

Looker: We’ve done it, Chief.

Anabel: Yes…we have successfully contained all of the UBs. Thank you so much for all of your hard work on these missions, Bonnibel. And Mr. Looker…

Looker: Not at all! All I did was provide backup to the two of you. It was all you and Bonnibel, Chief. And now that we have finally completed our missions, I will treat us all to a feast of–

Anabel: One moment please.

Looker: Wh-what is it, Chief? We have finally reached it–our grand finale! Which we should end with a big feast…

Anabel: Our truly final mission requires that we go to Aether Paradise and report to Ms. Wicke that we have contained all of the UBs.

Because somehow they can tell me that all the data’s sent, but can only tell her we caught them at all in person.

Also, there’s not a rush like there was about the ultrabeasts. I’m guessing she figured out what he did, ate something on her way back, and is now trolling the fucker.

Looker: Oh! Indeed you are right! And we must thank her for the Poke Balls known as Beast Balls!

You don’t really thank companies for providing some aid in cleaning up their fuckups.

Anabel: We will be going to Aether Paradise to report to Ms. Wicke about our success. If you are free, why don’t you come along as well, Bonnibel?

Looker: We make for the secret labs in the lower floor of Aether Paradise!

See, this all could’ve been done just fine by making Wicke tell me where to go and these guys never being in the game at all.