So I continue along and hit Brendan yet again, presumably to still fail to fight me. The image is included because it’s hilarious how this is taking place with all those other guys in view totally not caring.

You guys are– Where are you taking the professor?! H-hey! Stop right there!

And he runs off while everyone else just stands around not caring.

I guess really, this is an existing plot hole – how could Team Magma get past all these people unnoticed? But it’s making it obvious and removing possible handwaves, like that Team Magma terrified away the trainers on their way up and these are new people who wandered over.

Anyway, gotta go exchange my masquerain. You were fun, Masquerain. I liked all those times we needle murdered stuff together.

New team:

L23 grovyle 
L27 loudred
L27 kirlia
L25 gulpin
L17 sandshrew
L24 magnemite

Really shows you just how badly exp share wrecks the game, doesn’t it? I’ve even dropped my kirlia off my team a few times, and yet she’s still way too high in level for this area. And I only just added the loudred but he’s already overleveled too.

Hey, zangoose!

Memories of battling its archrival Seviper are etched into every cell of Zangoose’s body. This Pokemon adroitly dodges attacks with incredible agility.

I find a rare bone in one of the meteor craters. So, did the impact blast down to a fossil layer or is this the bone of something murdered by meteor?

Wow my grovyle needs a better moveset for dealing with fire types. Right now I’ve got two grass moves, pursuit (hahahaha) and quick attack. Well, let’s see if megadraining geodude can keep her alive for this area long enough to learn a better move.

I find a secret base with similar defensive layout that’s even farther from where that creep met me, so I switch to there. It’s behind a rock, too. Might be a little annoying to get to, but that means it’s less likely he’ll bother me there.

On to the cave, where a friendly solrock helps replenish my grovyle’s HP! Oh hey, and now my gulpin’s evolving.

When Swalot spots prey, it spurts out a hideously toxic fluid from its pores and sprays the target. Once the prey has weakened, this Pokemon gulps it down whole with its cavernous mouth.

Nice.

And a zubat! I catch it. I will have a box of them and I will wondertrade so much.

Ah, and here’s Brendan spikyrageboxing over something pretty legitimate:

Hey! You jerks! Let Professor Cozmo go!

Hyuh? says slightly different Magma sprite with the hoodie down. What have we here? Why has this child suddenly appeared?

Brendan turns to look at me, suggesting I’m the child casual-Friday Magma is talking about. Yay, the villains are paying attention!

Lucki! You finally made it, huh! We’ve gotta protect the professor from these lunatics or else!

Now now, Brendan, if he was important he’d be a Professor, right? So it’s not that big of a deal.

There’s two of them… And two of us, huh?

While that’s true I don’t see how it’s relevant –

Sorry to ask, Lucki, but… Battle alongside me!

I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU YOU LITTLE SHIT

I have the option of refusing. Fuck yes I will fight on my own.

So even you get nervous, huh…

Your death will be slow and painful.

I get it. I’ll wait till you get ready.

You will be rended limb from limb by my groudon and then your worthless corpse will be incinerated as if you never were.

And for some reason Lucki turns and walks a step back instead of letting me rush her forward.

Fine, I’ll battle “alongside” you, meaning we stand next to each other while my pokemon murder yours.

Thanks, pal!

It’s good you’re okay with that.

Anyway, fun fact – May’s dialogue is different.

Name! You came! We’ve got to save Professor Cozmo from these people! There are two of them… And two of us… Name, please! Battle together with me! Say no, and she says, What?! Ah! I get it! You’ve got to get ready first? I’ll hold them here, so hurry!

So yeah, we can add “not having it assumed I’m a coward” next to “actual clothes” in the list of things I have to weigh against playing as my gender.

May makes no comment on the player’s speed, doesn’t make it sound like it’s shocking she’d need the player’s help, and doesn’t insult them for not saying yes. Because obviously we can’t treat boy players or even boy rivals like May.

Also, let’s just take a second to check out their Emerald match cards which I ran across on Bulbapedia while finding out they still don’t have the rival-Brendan dialogue because apparently no one plays as May.

StrategyBattle with knowledge!Trainer’s PokémonI will use various Pokémon.Self-IntroductionI’ll be a better Pokémon prof than my father is!

StrategyI’m not so good at battles.Trainer’s PokémonI’ll use any Pokémon!Self-IntroductionMy Pokémon and I help my father’s research.

So hey, just remember: it was always exactly this bad, it was just less obvious because there was less dialogue.

Cheer me up, casual-Friday Magma.

Ahyahyahya! Isn’t this amusing?!

More interestingly, wow background sprite lady is pissed.

Mmm… Very well then! I’ll show you how terrifying adults can be! Ahyahyahya! I’m going to give you some very thorough coaching!


Then for some reason Brendan thinks I want to hear him yapping even longer and he says, All right! Let’s do this!


I think, before incinerating you, I will parade your corpse throughout the cities of Hoenn as a warning to anyone else.

He leads with a wailmer. Thanks, pal, Grovyle was at half health :) Of course, then the koffing smacks her around. My loudred then hammerarms his stupid shroomish into the ground, only to be poisoned by its effect spore. I then begin stomping his combusken, but it manages to beat the third and final pokemon while it still has a couple HP. And that’s apparently it for the battle, because obviously three pokemon of the same level as the trainers just outside constitutes such incredible difficulty I couldn’t be trusted to do it on my own.

Hyuhn?! An unexpected development?!


Dude you cannot be this shocked I spent the battle trying to kill Brendan’s pokemon, you heard what he said to me.

All right! We beat ’em!


Game, he beat them. I failed to beat him in the pitifully short time I had.

You children! I would like you to stay out of my way!


And I’d like Brendan to stay out of my way. Sometimes we don’t get what we want.

Team Magma’s scientific prowess, Mt. Chimney’s energy… And the hidden power of the Meteorite! If we combine them all, a super-ancient Pokemon…


Crankyface Lady, why have you not smacked him and told him to shut up yet? Are you not allowed? Is that why you’re so very cranky?

Bwahahahahahaha! You lost to this scamp! What a pathetic bunch! You lazy stooges will be the downfall of Team Magma!


Well I’m glad someone has standards.

Who’s that?! spikyboxes Brendan. Someone hopefully able to give me an actual battle Brendan, shut up or you might scare the interesting away with your suck aura.

Oh, nevermind, it’s Aqua. Aqua, unless you’re gonna fight me I don’t care.

Hyahya! Even Team Aqua is making an appearance! says Lazy Stooge Admin. The odds do not appear to be in my favor…


You have two pokemon in their low twenties. The odds have never been in your favor.

He then spikyboxes: You there! I’ll have the Meteorite now!


Yes, sir! says Crankyface. Poor Crankyface.

Wha-wha-wha-what? says not a real person Cozmo, apparently confused by the concept of criminals stealing.

Come now! Hand over the Meteorite! Crankyface spikyboxes, clearly just as annoyed by his stupidity as me.

He freaks out and tries to run over the edge, then Brendan lunges to save him, and somehow this means Crankyface gets the Meteorite, which is capitalized so it’s clearly a person. We need to rescue it!

Ahyahya! The Meteorite is in the palm of my hand!


NO! You monster!

Well, well, well… Adios to each and every one of you! At long last I’m off to Mt. Chimney!


Crankyface, just hit him. You’ll probably get a promotion honestly.

And then they leave!

Tch! says Mr. I Lead Team Aqua In The Most Incompetent Of Manners.

One of his grunts, who looks pretty cheery, says, Archie! We will go after these monsters! Secret Team Magma agent? I’m gonna go with that.

That’s right! We’re not letting them get away!


“Somehow that keeps happening every time you’re in charge of stopping them!”

Then he walks up to me, ignoring the worthless Brendan. Thank you! Oh? What’s this? You’ve got quite a fierce expression on you for such a wee little thing.


Contemplating murdering my fellow wee little thing and all. You know how it is.

The name’s Archie. I’m the leader of Team Aqua, a group that’s working to return the world to a pristine state. One that’ll be perfect for Pokemon’s survival.


Sounds legit!

Hey, did you know one of the theories of where our moon came from is that it was actually another planet that smashed into us? Aside from how generally awesome that is, it’s thought that prior to the planet hitting, Earth was covered in even more water than today.

So: Kyogre is native, Groudon is an alien intrusion onto our planet and the only reason there’s land above water at all. To “fix” things, to restore them to how they were originally made, is to return Kyogre to full dominance over the world.

If we ignore the fact that you can barely move without tripping over legendaries and consider instead the part where half the region’s have legendaries as creation myths that don’t make much sense put together, you could go on the idea that each planet is supposed to have a ruling creature of great power, the heart of the world. Our planet’s collision led to two planet hearts struggling with each other.

And it wouldn’t be too hard to get from there to the idea that what happened was a violation of the cosmic order and that the reason for everything wrong in the world is that it’s supposed to be governed by Kyogre. Maybe even humanity itself is the result of Groudon’s alterations, or maybe just our present state is – maybe remove that and we’d be happy water creatures who live in harmony with our surroundings, as water aliens are so often depicted for some reason. Really, all you need is to be certain there’s divinity and a plan to these godmonsters and this all makes sense, and assuming there’s a right way for things to go and we just have to figure out where it went wrong is something humans are great at being certain of.

But either way, there’s not supposed to be these landwalking things building and spreading everywhere in the divine plan, so the fact raising Kyogre would be cataclysmic for humanity, well…you can’t let selfishness stand in the way of what’s right. Kyogre either is our god or was created by God. Groudon is either alien corruption or literally Satan. Drown the world.

…

Anyway, back to the present conversation.

Looks like you were getting into it with Team Magma there, ‘less my eyes deceive me.


Yeah I spent the battle attacking the guy attacking them so…gonna assume you’re blind from hereon out.

It’s not like I’m in a position to argue if that’s what you’re up to, hey? But I’ll tell you this much. So remember. If you next get in the way of Team Aqua, you won’t get off so lightly.


Get in the way of an apocalyptic death cult? Good sir, what do you take me for.

So steer clear and keep your nose clean, scamp! I imagine I’ll be seeing you!


Watch the condescension, buddy. As hilarious as your religious planetary genocide bit is, remember I am vengeful and soon to own gods.

Waha! Bwahahahahah!


Also knock it off with the repeating noises, those are so annoying to transcribe.

Oh man… What’s with those lunatics? Brendan asks despite my best attempts to murder him with my mind. Why don’t you have any useful psychic powers, Lucki?

Forget those guys! Professor! Hey, Professor Cozmo! Hang in there, OK?


…and…we get a thought bubble? Really, game?

Huh, I guess I was just complaining about Lucki not being psychic. But I said useful, dammit! Useful ones!

B-but…they….I…only…


Brendan, who is clearly not psychic in addition to all the other ways he’s inferior to me, says, I think he’s still pretty out of it… Lucki… Never mind what’s happened! I’ve got to get the professor back to his lab in Fallarbor!


Brendan, let me explain in more detail. Capital letters are a mark of respect for a person. He doesn’t have one, so he isn’t a person. The Meteorite, on the other hand, is a person because it’s got that fancy capital letter and has been cruelly kidnapped. We need to rescue it.

OK, Professor…


Oh, now he’s a person! Okay, he’s worthy of consideration.

(More seriously, hey look, they do know how this works! Maybe I can quote this section while yelling at people next year.)

Easy now…


And we lead the guy back.

Ahhh! Professor! says Lady Who I Guess Is His Wife But Doesn’t Use His Name For Some Reason. Thank the stars above! Professor, you’re back!


Hah…haha… Thanks to these children, I have somehow returned.


Hm, new theory: everyone saw me pounding Brendan’s pokemon but they’re too scared to mention it.

Those crazy jerks… says Brendan. What do you think they wanted with the professor’s Meteorite anyway? I’ve gotta say, they sure didn’t look like the good guys…but…


But what?

I guess we’d both better be careful from here on out.


BUT WHAT? THEY DIDN’T LOOK LIKE THE GOOD GUYS BUT WHAT?

Not that I’m really worried about you, Lucki. You and your team’d be fine for sure.

Yes, the fact I was smacking you around kind of demonstrated that.

I am somewhat mollified. Maybe I’ll just feed you directly to Groudon and skip the part where I mutilate you and then parade around your body.

But I need to thank you, as well. You truly saved me from disaster. I hope you’ll take this TM as some small form of repayment, says boring scientist guy.

Haha, it’s smack down! Yes, I needed that.

Thank you, Professor. As there’s no sign Brendan got the TM, I guess he’s thanking the man for his attempt to appease me.


Now that that’s over with… What’re you planning to do next, Lucki? I’m thinking of going for my next Gym Badge.

I’m thinking of trying to get to Team Magma before you this time so you can’t killsteal, you killstealer.

The one from Mauville City.


…how did you even get here if you can’t rock smash?

Wanna make the trip together, Lucki? To Mauville, that is.


And I get a choice instead of Lucki autodeclining with a smackdown about already having that badge. Lucki, you even got the TM and everything!

Ah, right. Well, tell me if you change your mind.


And he’s still not taking the hint and leaving!

Mauville’s right in the middle of Hoenn, so you can go to all sorts of places from there. Even Mt. Chimney, the place those guys were talking about at Meteor Falls, is a pretty short trip from Mauville.


Oh god the game thinks I’m too stupid to be trusted to backtrack on my own. Game. Game you have taken every ounce of legitimate difficulty from me, the stupid stuff is all I have left. If you take even that there won’t even be a game. It’ll just be me hitting A while you move the character around for thirty hours.