Right. So – Sootopolis! It’s lovely looking.

Lucki! says Steven. He’s standing next to who osmosis tells me is Wallace. In fanfic, they are boyfriends more often than not. So you did come…

…why would that surprise you?

I have been waiting for you. … What terrible heat…

I’m a little unimpressed, actually. I mean, having it vaporize water attacks is all well and good, but I thought I remembered that first set of games, they actually had the water recede a little and I haven’t noticed that here.

It feels as though the entire world will be burnt away… He pops out an exclamation mark. Ah, yes. You need to hear what my friend has to say.

And now it’s Wallace’s turn!

My name is Wallace. I’m this town’s Gym Leader.

That really doesn’t seem very important.

I’ve also been entrusted with the protection of the Cave of Origin.

See, that’s relevant, you should lead with that.

This drought is being caused by a power emanating from the Cave of Origin. He pops up an exclamation mark of his own. That is the Blue Orb. I see. Follow me.

You know what’d be cool? If you just wake Kyogre, and the two duke it out and then retreat, and only then can you go try to catch them and they’re both L70 or L100 or whatever.

I mean, it has the downside that I like raising pokemon, so I prefer them lower leveled, but it’d help make them seem more epic if they were well above your ability to fight at this point.

Anyway, Wallace heads off. Then we all stop and Steven does the thinky pose.

This sunlight… People and Pokemon need sunlight to live… So why does this sunlight fill us with so much dread?

Steven, did you breathe in some fumes back when you landed to say hi?

He stares up at the beautiful golden sky. The blazing sun over Sootopolis is growing even more intense… Soon all of Hoenn will be caught under its withering glare… If that were to happen…

And then Wallace goes back to leading me wherever.

And there’s the failure gang, who failed to put up a good fight and are huge disappointments.

… Yeah you better dot dot dot, Maxie.

Team Magma…And Team Aqua… observes probably Steven, the speech bubble attribution’s a bit unclear.

We’ve been waiting, ya scamp!

Archie, you really don’t seem to be taking your impending death very seriously.

Leader Maxie… to that child…?

…I know what must be done. I will entrust this to you now.

Is he going to give me the other orb?

It is the fruit of our collaboration with the Devon Corporation, and it represents the height of Hoenn’s technological knowledge and skill.

You’re giving me genocide beam? What the fuck! Why do you think I want that? What the hell is wrong with you?

Lucki obtained the Magma Suit!

…Oh. That would make more sense. Thanks.

We had actually been prepaaring that in anticipation of making contact with Groudon… But at this point, it doesn’t look like there’s any hope of that for us. There’s nothing we can do except leave it to you. And yet… Even with that Magma suit, is it probable that anyone could pass through that magma, now fiercer than ever due to the forces of nature?

Well, if you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that Groudon isn’t actually a force of nature! He’s unnatural, and it’s part of the reptilian conspiracy that you think otherwise.

That’s true, says Casual Friday with his still casual Fridays expression because they didn’t bother making new sprite faces for him. It is very possible that its energy could be far greater than our calculations show.

I thought we established that it wasn’t “possible” it was “a fact”.

There is nothing to fear, says Wallace. Yeah no Team Magma’s track record with calculations makes me think there is in fact a lot to fear here. Pretty much the only way this is going to work is if it was originally designed to withstand any non-vaporized rock temperatures, in which case the rock being cool enough to be merely liquid indicates I’ll be fine. Otherwise that thing’s going to be about as helpful as a damp towel.

The Blue Orb she bears… Its ancient powers will protect both the girl and her Pokemon.

Wait, so I don’t even need the suit? While I’m glad we have a plan that doesn’t involve relying on Team Magma’s calculations, that kind of wrecks the whole getting the suit business, you know? Also why does the blue one even have those powers. It seems like it’d be useful, but it wouldn’t save the user from suffocating or anything, so without a suit and separate air supply you’d still die.

You’ve hit the nail on the head!

About how no one seems to be considering how much poisonous gas molten rocks vent? I know, right? What sort of science were you guys doing all this time?

Those old folks at Mt. Pyre did say something about that… Archie continues.

Senile people’s ancient stories are even less reassuring than Magma’s math skills!

Also when did you even talk to them, were you there? I don’t remember that.

That the Red Orb would unleash Groudon’s primal powers… And trigger a Primal Reversion.

Wait, what? We’re not talking about that. That’s already been discussed. Wallace has moved on to the topic of the other orb having powers unrelated to Meaningless-Different-Term-For-Mega-Evolution.

…While the Blue Orb had the power to reverse that and calm the beast.

Okay, so you’ve managed to identify the object we’re currently talking about, but still irrelevant to the claim it also its bearer and her property be unharmed by magma.

Wallace is apparently too freaked out to be paying proper attention to what people are saying and just walks forward to stand before the doors. Yes. The energy overflowing from the Cave of Origin just now… It is the same energy that gives Groudon its power… With the Blue Orb, which contains the power to suppress that…

If only I had the power to make you all shut up and get out of my way. Seriously, it’s only the end of the world, no rush.

It should be possible to calm the rage of this flood of magma.

It’s going to be a lot harder to calm my rage if you don’t get the fuck out of the way.

Of course the Blue Orb’s power alone will not lead you to where Groudon waits.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

You will not reach Hoenn’s Core that way. Use the suit that you were just given. With that, it will finally become possible to stand up against the forces of nature.

So – Magma gives me suit, expresses concern suit may not be enough, you say no worries the orb’s got it, then finish by saying that no the suit is needed to survive.

Steven, being a good NPC who might even survive my upcoming rampage, turns to Lucki. Lucki… To think that you had the Blue Orb… You’ll be OK. You and your Pokemon can handle it, whatever happens. I believe that.

Thanks, guy I’m going to defeat with Groudon soon.

Back to Wallace: No man or woman from Sootopolis is permitted to enter the Cave of Origin.

That must make policing it kind of difficult. Anybody who gets in can just hang out.

But you must go, together with your Blue Orb.

But I’m not a Sootopolisian, so…what does the first part matter?

You must go regardless of what waits for you inside that cave…

Pretty sure what waits for me in there is the whole point in going! :) Now shut the fuck up and get out of the way.

We’ll also get our people together up top here, to help any folks and Pokemon in trouble. omg Archie why are you even here shut up shut up shut up My little scamp of a savior… YOU WILL DIE YOU WILL DIE IF I CHOOSE NOT TO KILL YOU IMMEDIATELY IT’S ONLY BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO BE YOUR PRECIOUS KYOGRE YOU FEEL CRUNCHING THROUGH YOUR PITIFUL HUMAN BONES Looks like we’re making you bear all the burden on your little shoulders alone. I’m sorry for that. WHY WON’T THE CUTSCENE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD …But I know you’re going to see this through!

And he’s done and oh fuck Maxie is talking now Maxie WHY

Child, you… No. I have no right to call you “child.”

Ah, nice. You may yet live.

Fellow Trainer. I have caused great harm, ad for tht I apologize most sincerely. But now we find outselves at an impasse, and you and your Pokemon are all that humanity has to count on in its stand against Groudon… The fate of our world… The world upon which all humanity thrives…

IS DYING MORE EVERY SECOND YOU WON’T SHUT UP TICK TOCK MAXIE TICK FUCKING TOCK

The fate of our world rests in your hands!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST BRENDAN JUST SHOWED UP

FUCK IT EVERYONE DIES ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE

Lucki! When I saw the news bout Sootopolis on BuzzNav, and there you were, Lucki…

We’ve been talking so long reporters have come and gone.

Anyway, all I could think of was coming to help!

Haha no killstealing for you today you killstealing asshole! Try again never because you’ll be dead with everyone else.

You don’t know how glad I am to see that you’re stil in one piece. He then looks around and only just notices that everyone else is here. Bwuh? Is that Team Magma? And Team Aqua? Why yes, writing team, that is precisely why even if this cutscene wasn’t already endless crap, you shouldn’t have an extra character like Brendan show up, because it’s a waste of everyone’s time to bring him up to speed. …OK, I don’t really know what to say right now, but I’m kind of dumbfounded.

But really – are the cutscene writers paid by the word? They’re clearly doing all in their power to make this take forever and I can’t think of any other possible reason for it.

Look, I get that this is probably something way bigger than I’ve ever imagined… So I won’t bother with questions now. I’m gonna find out what I should do to help, and then I’m going to do whatever I can. You’d better do the same, Lucki.

…

You die first.

I’ll always be right there behind you. You’re my best friend, after all!

And…and it’s finally over jesus christ why.

Look. If you want everyone to say their bit about saving the world, that’s what normal NPC dialogue is for. If I want to hear it, I can go over to them and hit A.

And weirdly enough, if you do talk to them afterward, most of them do say their speech or the second half of it (slightly reworded for some reason too, like “little” getting exchanged for “wee”) further hammering in what a stupid idea the massive cutscene was.

Hm. Actually, given the slight rewording… Maybe someone wrote the regular NPC dialogue first, then someone in charge demanded a full cutscene and they did it by jamming all the usual optional dialogue together? That’d also explain why it’s so incredibly disjointed, but not why they were doing it in the first place.

Well, in I go.

Inside are braisiers. How exactly were these placed and kept lit if no one can enter?

MAWILE!!!

 

 

Mawile’s huge jaws are actually steel horns that have been transformed. Its docile-looking face serves to lull its foe into letting down its guard. When the foe leasts expects it, Mawile comps it with its gaping jaws.

I just really love the combination of innocent harmlessness and sudden fangy death.

There’s a side route rather than going down toward the giant black pit, but I find the way blocked by black stone rocks whose graphic I have not seen before.

As I head down, a haze fills the air. Smoke or gas, it’s unclear. Either way, Lucki probably shouldn’t be breathing it. I try to tell Lucki to put on the suit, but there’s no option. I continue down until at last I reach lava, and then Lucki puts it on and somehow “fitted the suit with the Blue Orb” whatever that’s supposed to mean, which produces a bubble shield effect and then Groudon pops out of the lava.

You can hear a voice within the Magma Suit!

Oh god.

???: Do you read me?
Maxie: It is I, the great Maxie.
Maxie: A device built into that suit you have donned allows me to talk to you.
Maxie: We have recieved readings from your suit. They suggest that Groudon has appeared.
Maxie: Is my supposition correct? Does it stand before you now?
Maxie: You must listen… Do not waste even a single second. Leap upon Groudon’s mighty back.

Okay, I was all set up to be mad about this, but hey, useful information. I guess. Well, information that sounds suicidally stupid, but would be useful if it wasn’t.

Maxie: Then le– take you to– dee–est… o– th– c…

And the game makes some static sounds!

The sound cut out…

Which is really not making me think Team Magma did a good job making any of the rest of this.

And then more cutscene of Groudon walking with Lucki on its back, because I don’t get to do anything for the climax I guess? It walks toward the light. The light turns out to be some crystals. Lucki takes off her suit because the fumes have gotten to her.

There’s this cool effect where the whole lower half of the 3DS is just static with occasional tiny electrical bolts.

Of course, there’s still a way out, despite the whole “must climb on back to reach the center” thing. If I go out, I climb up a while to find the place with the dark rocks, and they’re no longer there so I can leave. Because they wanted to make a big deal of reaching Groudon’s secret inner sanctuary, but also you need to be able to leave whenever, so…

Next time, I gain the power of a god.