(Hey everyone hey you have to do this thing.)

Right then. I approach the tiny white leafless tree thing on its pedestal while evil red energy flows along evil black cables. Calem: So this is the place… It’s really hard to breathe in here. Feels like there’s a weight on my chest…
Pinkie: Hey… Is that thing that looks like a tree the Legendary Pokemon? It doesn’t look like it’s alive, but…

Suddenly a horde of admins appeared! Seriously they were not there and now they’re in front of me.

Cueball in the back: That’s none of your business, kids.
Cueball in the front: The ultimate weapon has taken 99 percent of the Legendary Pokemon’s energy. Seriously how do you know exactly how much it has? But just to make double sure nothing goes wrong, let’s take these runts out!

Pinkie flails her arms. Nooo! I hate being chased! You’re not going to be. We’re having a pokemon battle to determine the fate of the world.

She runs off. Dammit Pinkie, listen when people talk! Cueball in the front runs after her. Killstealing!

It’s the Poke Ball Factory all over again… Yeah Blueface I remember I’m not stupid. They apparently are, though.

Serena! You take care of things here!

I was already doing that!

I’ll protect Shauna!

hate

He runs off too. So at least he won’t be killstealing.

Red tights in the front, or possibly cueball in the back, then says, Make sure to take care of those runts that ran away! I should have expected as much from kids who made it clear down here. It was a pretty simple tactic, but it managed to split us up. If you can tell that, why are you still doing it? You’re only trying to defend the tree, you don’t care if we hang out in the corridors outside. That girl’s pretty good! Oh don’t even try game.

Okay, red tights in the front then walks leisurely past me to also deal with the dumb kids who are no longer anywhere near their precious pokebattery.

Cueball in the back: So, you really think you can beat us?

YES GET ON WITH IT ALREADY

They don’t. They just stand there so I can heal my pokemon or whatever. Nothing happens if I try to leave, and I find no sign of my so-called companions or their pursuers.

So fine, battle time. Red tights in front, you’re first.

Do you actually think all living things can truly be happy? she asks, and upon her inevitable defeat because the game doesn’t seem to grasp boss characters should be meaningfully different than grunts, she continues, You don’t even try to understand Lysandre and all that he suffers for! Lady, I have tried super hard it isn’t my fault the game doesn’t make sense.

Let’s try a cueball head.

Taking all of the money and stuff for ourselves will make a world where Team Flare is happy!

See, this just seems like another version of BW’s problem where half the grunts are proudly talking about how much fun kicking puppies to death is and the other are lecturing you on why even owning animals is abuse. Are they incapable of hearing what’s being said right next to them?

Final guy just says I won’t get to join Team Flare now. Uses “another think” construction – an egghead. There should be fic about him. Afterward, he yells about reinforcements. Little late for that. And then they all disappear, leaving me again with the tree. I walk forward.

Aaaaauh! is spikeyboxed. And there’s a cutscene proper, with the tree exploding into a very angry deer with blade legs.

Cue fight. Xerneas is L50. I declare she’s a girl because that’s been my playthrough.

Dammit I burned Xerneas. And lost. Time to reset.

Xerneas is looking at Serena. It seems like it wants to help.

Oh good lord so I get as many chances as I want. Also, somehow wanting to help doesn’t translate into getting in the damn pokeball.

And now I’ve got one in a premierball, because critical capture.

Xerneas turns out to be a pure fairy pokemon and classified as simply “life pokemon” and also is almost ten feet tall. I think that may be counting the horns, though.

Legends say it can share eternal life. It slept for a thousand years in the form of a tree before its revival.

I am immediately given the option of swapping her for one of the pokemon on my team, despite there being no clear mechanic for how this is happening. I can’t check out the stats or find out what “fairy aura” is, though, because that’s when the other two return.

Calem: Great! Now they can’t use the ultimate weapon.

More importantly I have a god deer now.

Pinkie: You’re amazing, Lady S!

See? Pinkie gets it.

A Legendary Pokemon wanting to be your friend like that! It’s unbelievable!

Would’ve been more so if the games would discard the battle thing and just say they join the party.

Also acceptable is the idea I stopped the enraged god’s rampage with the battle and capture. It’s just both at once that doesn’t work.

White anon: What a startling development! I never would’ve thought you were really a chosen one!

It’s…uh, Holocausthair, now sporting one of those science visors over his eyes like his scientist and with three mechanical giant bugs flying over his shoulders on leashes.

Also, what gives, Holocausthair? I thought you thought I was important already, for admittedly rather unclear reasons.

So THIS is the mighty Xerneas?! I expected more from a Pokemon called a legend!

Hey, if 1% of its power is fifty levels of legendary-quality stats, I’m pretty impressed. Really, this is the first game to actually have an excuse for the legendary being even in the same ballpark as the rest of us mortals.

You desire help from people? YOU need help from a human?

So is he having a psychotic break here or was his master plan actually to piss Xerneas off and make it go rampaging and he’s disappointed that his power-draining machine actually worked instead?

Pinkie: Wh-what’s going on with that outfit! Is that really you, Lysandre? Oh, whatever!

Indeed, Pinkie. Indeed.

Lady S already beat you! What are you doing here?

Back to Holocausthair’s equally pink text box: For me, victory is using the ultimate weapon. In order to do that, i need to reclaim the Legendary Pokemon’s power and send it to that weapon once again.

You already drained it! Just throw a few minions into the grinder if you really need to make up the last one percent.

I’ll be taking the Legendary Pokemon back now! This time, I won’t lose. I, too, shall use the Mega Ring and Mega Stone that you researched during your travels.

Uh.

I’m feeling like some of the designers intended this to be a difficult game where you had to digivolve your pokemon to compete, much like Digimon the show.

Also, the battle appears to be taking place on the surface of the sun.

Anyway, so let’s check out her stats. Fairy aura apparently just turboboosts fairy moves. That’s kind of boring.

Mienshao, L49. Seriously? I just fought people with L50s, you know.

He mega evolves his gyarados into this ungainly thing.

I still win.

In a rage, he flings off the science glasses he only just put off, and his little pet robot bugs slump to the ground. It’s over… Fools with no vision will continue to befoul with beautiful world. They will go on until the only thing left to do is squabble over the remaining scraps of hope…

And Serena doesn’t do her fist pump of joy but just looks relieved at her victory.

So…is the idea that exploding the power drainy tubes of ominous redness somehow drained the machine again? Otherwise I really don’t get why everyone’s so invested in scrapping over that last 1%.

Anyway, then he screams and the robobugs fly upward again.

Pinkie: Um… Know what I think? Even if there’s only a little bit of something, it’s still best to share it. Even you managed to use Mega Evolution… That’s because Gyarados shared its power with you, didn’t it?

No, pretty sure that’s all nonsense, but whatever comes to mind when talking down the crazies, I guess.

And now just Gyarados, but your other Pokemon, too…

“Uh, were they aware you planned to kill them all, by the way?”

Holocausthair: …

Calem, looking awfully sad, because I guess people failing to kill us all is very sad, adds, The Legendary Pokemon is gone, so you can’t use the ultimate weapon anymore, right? No, he totally can. Pay attention. You don’t have to worry about the future all alone… Shouldn’t everybody work together to make a beautiful world?

To which Holocausthair says, If that were possible, all wars would have ended long ago! I can only see one future! one where selfish, foolish humans think about nothing other than themselves and steal more and more from one another… It’s a tragic future!

“I like my version where humans kill each other instead!”

The original purpose of this device was to bring a Pokemon back to life. But the ancient king transformed it into this ultimate weapon. Hmm. When the Legendary pokemon awakened, it took back much of its energy–its power–that had been sent to the ultimate weapon. There’s not much power left… But there IS enough to use it once… He bares his teeth and throws one fist upward. Serena, Sycamore’s pupils… Let us live forever… That’s right! I shall grant you eternal life! I’ll give you the pain of endlessly waiting for a beautiful world to finally be built!

Uh.

Calem: Serena! Shauna! Let’s get out of here! Yeah, that’s about the only sane response. And then we run.

Cut to seeing the flower in action. So Serena really did fail. And he aims it at the flower itself, so I guess Team Flare’s dead now. Huh. That’s kind of dark. I’m not exactly complaining about the darkness existing, but it does seem really at odds with the sparkliness of everything, down to the death machine.

Outside is Skirt and Trousers in their idiot masks, my group, and those two idiots who keep popping up.

Skirt-as-masked-idiot: Phew… I’m so glad you’re all safe! I really respect the courage and kindness all of you showed.
Calem, who is not kind at all: Thank you… We all got out in one piece. Are you guys all OK, Tierno?

No, they took a fatal magic radiation dose and will die over the next few days. It’s very sad.

Orange: Yep! As you can see, we’re doing great! Thanks for asking!

Oh, Orange, you don’t need to pretend everything’s all right. We know.

Orange: We worked together to save the Pokemon connected to the stones on Route 10!

Shhh, Orange, no more talking. Just lie down and enjoy this pillow against your head.

Orange: I mostly left battling with Team Flare to Sina and Dexio, though…
Redmaskidiot: Who are these Sina and Dexio you speak of? We’re the masked heroes!
Bluemaskidiot: Don’t worry about it, Tierno. We were all doing the best we could to stop Team Flare’s plans.

“For example, our best was apparently putting on masquerade masks and calling ourselves heroes while being really useless.”

Bluemaskidiot: Oh, we have a little bit of news for you all. We managed to destroy the machine in Lysandre’s lab that was spying on people’s Holo Caster transmissions.

Oh great, now we can’t use that to try to monitor the remnants of Team Flare.

Green: So, we won’t have to deal with Team Flare anymore.

That’s really not how it works.

Green: Now I can get back to filling up my Pokedex!

I hate you.

Pinkie: So…it’s finally over, right? we can go back to our adventure, right?! Let’s go back to Anistar City and start over from where we left off!

They head off, but Calem turns around to come back.

Calem: Thanks, Lady S. I respect you as a friend.

Shame my own feelings about you have worsened as the game went on and I now hate you too.

Calem: That’s why I want to beat you in battle as your rival!

You’re as shitty a rival as you are a person.

And he leaves, but the damn cutscene will not. Instead, giant guy shows up.

A long, long time ago. A very long time ago. The man made an ultimate weapon. Using it required the life force of many Pokemon… The Pokemon granted eternal life learned this. The resurrected eternal Pokemon left the man’s side. The man was surprised and sad. He had revived it so they could be together… Day after day passed, but they were never to meet. Eventually, he became a mere shell of a man. A man condemned to wander forever by the light of the weapon. And a Pokemon that also wanders eternally… Where is it now? What do I have to do to meet it?

And then he walks off.

We still don’t actually know why he’s immortal and come to think of it, his role seems like it’d be better served by the resurrected pokemon. We also don’t know why he’s super tall.