Back to this. I actually lost my power cord. What’s most irritating is that I have multiple power cords for the previous modal, but of course the 3DS needs a slightly smaller port, because how else would it not charge right.

Well, I’m at the icy town, let’s start talking to NPCs!

One man, through it all, lives ever on.
To a Pokemon once lost, he’s ever drawn.
One man, through it all, lives ever on.
Searching for his heart, long lost and gone.

Hell no you’re not getting a tip for that doggerel. You didn’t even give me a useful infodump, I already met the damn guy and he would not shut up about this whole business.

Then some people warn me there’s some mazey area up ahead.

I just got PP restoring power. The game isn’t even pretending to have a difficulty curve any longer, is it?

There’s another big abomasnow hanging out.

Some purplehead says, For generations, my family’s duty has been to teach moves to Pokemon that people call Mythical. I can teach a move to Keldeo or Meloetta.

“Well, I think I can. If they exist. No one in my family’s ever actually seen one. Not sure how this whole tradition came about, come to think of it…”

Lysandre… He’s my old friend. He was trying to help people in need. Becoming convinced of people’s stupidity and facing his own limitations led him to conclude that the world could not be saved.

People keep going on about this but no one has been able to offer any excuses for his whole “hey actress what if you could stay young by being frozen in time and by time I mean my freezer in the basement wouldn’t that be great?” bit.

In the house next door, the little girl says, Pokemon don’t freeze in harsh sunlight! What sort of a nightmarish universe do you live in where the fact harsh sunlight doesn’t freeze you needs to be announced?

Thinking about it, I think it’s telling me that sunny day prevents the freeze condition. But still, it sounds so sinister.

Thanks to the cold air that seeps out of the Gym, no one in this town needs air conditioning!

“Haha! We just need heating! Or we freeze to death! Haha! It’s the number one cause of death! We’re so lucky!”

Doesn’t look like I can enter that gym yet, since there’s someone standing outside.

What’s new, little blue? If it ain’t the future Champ! Hate to disappoint, but the Gym Leader’s actually out right now… He said he was off to the winding Woods, if you feel like searching.

Hey, there’s a clothing store. With black tights! It may have taken me the entire game, but at long last, Serena doesn’t have to chose between pants and flashing people when she gets off her pokemon.

Right then Serena, it’s time for the most important part of modeling, freezing your ass off.

Now into a more appropriate outfit.

Okay, on to the rest of the NPCs.

Lysandre was his name, right? I wonder why he didn’t dream bigger. If he had said he wanted to save everyone in Kalos, surely people would have supported him.

Considering the other shit he said, no, I don’t think that’d have been a good idea at all. Also, why are we stuck on the apologetic train for this guy?

Someone wants to trade me a bisharp for a jigglypuff. Have I even seen those?

It doesn’t matter how big our numbers might get, people and Pokemon will be fine in this world!

That’s objectively not true. Dammit, this is why they need to stop with the attempts at well intentioned extremist villains. The games can’t handle it.

So, off to the foresty area I guess. And hey, there’s a mossy rock! Unfortunately I’m out of eevee.

Noctowl! And I get her in a premierball, too.

Its eyes are specially adapted. They concentrate even faint light and enable it to see in the dark.

Amoonguss.

They show off their Poke Ball caps to lure prey, but very few Pokemon are fooled by this.

Better question, why would pokeballs be a lure for pokemon at all?

Gothorita.

Starlight is the source of their power. At night, they mark star positions by using psychic power to float stones.

Huh, apparently you can just catch trevenant and presumably gourgist.

Okay, I think I’m getting the hang of this place. Everything’s reversed.

Zoroark! But I fainted him.

And…now I’ve arrived at a place called Pokemon Village. And there’s the guy who’s probably the gym leader. I approach and all the pokemon run.

You know what this place is? Welcome to the Pokemon Village. This place is a secret, y’know.

I’d like to point out that if the only place the pokemon can make a village is in the middle of a magically confusing forest, the state of relations between “people and Pokemon” cannot be half as rosy as everyone says.

Most of the Pokemon here are runaways–escaped from bad people who did awful things to them. It’s a shame how many heartless Trainers who can’t bother to care for their Pokemon are out there. Some of these Pokemon though… Some of ’em are just too strong and found they didn’t really have a place in the outside world, so they came here.

Considering the main way that happens also seems to be pokemon trainers, they’re pretty much the cause of everything wrong, aren’t they?

Hm… I see. Your Pokemon sure seem to think highly of you. You’ve had some good times together, haven’t you?

He shouts to the pokemon, Hey! You all can come out now. This one’s all right!

And they just run back over.

Sometimes I get worried and come here to check on everyone. Oh–excuse my manners. We haven’t even had a proper introduction yet. The name’s Wulfric. I’m usually over at the Gym in Snowbelle City, since I’m the Gym Leader and all. Let me guess–you want to challenge me?

And I get a choice. But obviously I do.

I thought so. Sorry to inconvenience you like this. I’ll be waiting for you back at the Gym, then. Before you come by, I think it would do you good to spend some time with the Pokemon here.

And indeed it does, since I get a chople berry and pretty wing from their mouths. Also, a ditto attacks me! I’m not sure of the etiquette here – I’m in their village, is it even right to catch one? I guess I don’t need to since I traded for one before, anyway.

Also, there’s some other guy here, guarding a cave.

There’s a snorlax just hanging out.

And trash bins everywhere, for some reason. Also, lots of those thorny trees.

Reached the other guy.

This is the Unknown Dungeon!

::::D

Some terrifyingly strong Pokemon have made their homes in here! Only recognized Champions of the Pokemon League are allowed to enter!

Awesome.

And hey, poliwag horde. Ethically I really shouldn’t, but…

Its slick black skin is thin and damp. A part of its internal organs can be seen through the skin as a spiral pattern.

But it’s blue.

Okay, gym time then.

How about…

L47 aurorus
L47 malamar
L56 xerneas
L54 delphox
L51 mawile
L58 durant

Gym Leader: Wulfric
Tough as an iceberg, hot as a furnace.

The gym appears empty. The pillars that only ever seem to get my name on them have cubes of ice on top over the ornamental thingies.

And hey, there’s actually a real puzzle this gym! You have to rotate the cubes to get a side that lets you progress, but it’s not exactly straightforward – you have to get the previous section in the right alignment too because the side that bridges to the next area doesn’t have to connect to the section you’re standing in.

The trainers are really easy though. If my aurorus doesn’t beat them, my delphox does.

Y’know what? Ice is both extremely hard and terribly fragile at the same time. You know what that means?

That this gym is going to be a cakewalk?

Depending on what Pokemon you choose and what moves they use,

So that’s a yes.

I could be your most challenging opponent yet or I could be a total pushover.

Yeah, that you could be challenging if I’m a complete fuckup is not something to be proud of.

But that’s all right. That’s how it should be!

NO IT ISN’T

God damn, I’m definitely doing a playthrough of GS soon. Clair kicked my ass good. That’s what an eighth gym leader should be. And in sweet, sweet Blue, just getting to the gym leader was a trial since he had the place packed with half the population of Kanto.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Let’s get this show on the road!

And he smacks his overweight belly and the battle begins.

He has only three pokemon. He opens with a L56 abomasnow. It dies quick. Then a L59 avalugg, who tanks okay against my malamar, but then dies to my aurorus’ ancientpower. And L55 angry ice face, who still goes down easy. Notice a theme?

Outstanding! I’m tough as an iceberg, but you smashed me through and through.

As has just been illustrated, icebergs aren’t actually tough.

Then again, the real problem is that your team was basically the exact same thing as the undertrainers, you just have an extra pokemon.

Impressive! Your Pokemon fought with great courage. I can tell you’ve trained your Pokemon well. What you have right there is called the Iceberg Badge!

I sure hope it doesn’t shatter like its namesake.

As long as you have that, any and all of your Pokemon will surely look up to you and do their absolute best in battle.

If they do, it can’t possibly have anything to do with this.

Let me give you this, too.

And I get ice beam.

You know what this is?

Yes. The game just told me, like it always does.

It’s Ice Beam!

Yes.

This move has an accuracy of 100 percent! Not only that, but every once in a while it will freeze the target it hits, too! I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson today. Being rigid can make you tough, but it will also render you fragile. You’re better off being flexible.

But if that’s your philosophy, then…

No, you know, I don’t care. I mean, look at you, you obviously don’t care.

You know what I mean?

You know what else was great about Black? Fantasizing about how I would use my godmonster to kill everyone.

Some people are fluid like water and can adapt to their environment without changing what’s important on the inside.

Why are you still talking?

Not me, though. I guess I’m too stubborn. Maybe that’s why I love Ice types.

And some weirdness happens where the cube spins and a bridge appears. It stops with half of the spinny-cube bits being at an angle so I guess I can’t play with the puzzle ever again. The bridge is ice so I get to slide. That’s the only bit of this gym that’s actually had to do with the theme.

The guy who stands there dispensing advice maybe follows me out. There’s the future Champ I know and love! Looks like you trumped our ol’ Gym Leader! It’s never a bad thing to test the limits of your strength. Am I right or am I right? And since you’re such a star, I guess that means you’re off to the Pokemon League!

Then so does the gym leader.

You know what? You have all the Gym Badges now, so there’s really only one thing left to do… It’s time you headed off to the Pokemon League! Listen up, now… Trust in your Pokemon, and there’s no limit to what you can achieve!

And we appear to actually be done.

They don’t move, so I guess I never get to go back into that gym.