Huh. Looking at the map, it says Terminus Cave. A coal mine that was closed a few years ago due to rumors of a monster living deep within it. So I guess I should check it out after all. Also, that’s a much better explanation for why there’s coal-loving pokemon about.

Ah, yanma’s evolving.

Yanmega.

It prefers to battle by biting apart foes’ heads instantly while flying at high speed.

I think I’m going to redo my team. There’s still so many pokemon I’ve yet to evolve, so why not drag them along?

Hey, a noibat just appeared! And then I fainted it by accident…

Scrafty.

It pulls up its shed skin to protect itself while it kicks. The bigger the crest, the more respected it is.

Houndoom.

Long ago, people imagined its eerie howls to be the call of the grim reaper.

Seaking.

In the autumn spawning season, they can be seen swimming powerfully up rivers and creeks.

Fraxure.

Their tusks can shatter rocks. Territory battles between Fraxure can be intensely violent.

Hey, out in the grass I just hit a horde of durant and one heatmor. I stalled a bit to watch them fight and the durant just took the heatmor apart – although the fact the idiot thing didn’t use any fire moves was a lot of it.

Bibarel.

It busily makes its nest with stacks of branches and roots it has cut up with its sharp incisors.

Wormadam.

Its appearance changes depending on where it evolved. The materials on hand become part of its body.

Gyarados.

In ancient literature, there is a record of a Gyarados that razed a village when violence flared.

Golduck.

It appears by waterways at dusk.
It may use telekinetic powers
if its forehead glows mysteriously.

…do you mean “when” it uses them, its forehead glows?

Spoink evolves to grumpig. Sprite’s actually really creepy, it looks like it has a hole in the middle.

It uses black pearls to amplify its psychic power. It does a strange dance to control foes’ minds.

Well, I’m having trouble looking away but that’s more to do with the fact seriously it has a hole in the middle wtf.

Dwebble to crustle.

It possesses legs of enormous strength, enabling it to carry heavy slabs for many days, even when crossing arid land.

Okay, I think I hit the end of the cave. There’s a purple hair guy who says It must be dangerous to go further ahead unless you’re as strong as the Champion.

Dammit. I guess I’ll have to come back later.

Alright, I guess time for the elite four. There’s someone who says she’s been with her pokemon since the start of her journey. All two of them.

Hey, a floatzel.

It floats using its well-developed flotation sac. It assists in the rescues of drowning people.

I go to Victory Road.

This gate is the entrance to Victory Road! Only Pokemon Trainers who’ve collected all eight Badges may pass! Your total number of Badges is… One, two, three, four… Wow! You have all eight. Well then, allow me to test your abilities.

What the fuck.

What the fuck was even the point of getting the badges.

L56 carbink
L57 kingdra
L57 raichu

So, on par with the last gym leader. Christ. So it’s not even like he’s some super badass who’d only even bother challenging someone if they had all eight badges. He’s just some guy.

Fantastic! Please allow me to say it once more: fantastic! May the road you and your Pokemon follow be filled with joy and success. And a fuck you to you too!

He steps aside.

I walk through a very short corridor with glowing colored obelisks with the badge symbols on them, then there’s a door with all the badges. They glow, presumably recognizing mine, then there’s a very fancy animation where it opens and opens and opens and then bricks fill in and turn into stairs. Graphics people, I know you’re super proud of what you can do these days, but this is ridiculous. Find a plot where magic doors are a thing and then you can go nuts, okay?

I go up the stairs to find myself coming out of a hole in the ground. Climbing more stairs, there’s the remains of some old wall built against the mountain, and the mouth of a cave, inside of which I find open flames because the pokeworld has never cared about child safety and by god they’re not going to start now.

The flames are the only interesting thing. Otherwise it’s yet another dull brown cave.

I just want to spend time with my Pokemon, but everyone keeps challenging me to battles…

You challenged me.

I ran all the way here, and yet I still can’t find any peace and quiet!

YOU CHALLENGED ME!

I feel like the game’s just run out of energy. The reflective cave early on had trainers who wouldn’t fight you unless you talked to them first. There’s no reason she couldn’t have been one of those.

…and that’s as far as I can go for the moment, because I need a pokemon with surf. Fine. I get a wailer. It looks like I’ll also need strength, so it can do double duty there.

Okay, and back.

Hey, it’s a druddigon! And a girl!

It races through narrow caves, using its sharp claws to catch prey. The skin on its face is harder than a rock.

It’s still plain dragon, still no explanation for what the wing things on its back are if not wings. They should’ve made it dragon/fairy.

I meet up with a battle girl, because yes, we still have the blackbelt/battle girl divide (I know I haven’t been complaining nonstop like with the last two games, but that’s not because there’s actual improvement, it’s because there weren’t easily accessible sprites), who talks about how I must be nervous to be here. Never felt so underwhelmed, actually.

And now I’m through the first chunk of cave and outside. There’s more of the old castle wall ruins. Castles don’t actually cover entire mountains, designer…

A wild graveler swooped down on me? Really?

Lickitung. It has big spurs for thumbs. Did it always have those?

Its long tongue, slathered with a gooey saliva, sticks to anything, so it is very useful.

Well, once. If something sticks to anything, you can’t exactly clean it off.

She’s a girl, and I know lickitung has an evolution. But it looks like she’s really overleveled for that and I don’t have the TM for the move required.

Hey, a fearow swooped down on me.

With its huge and magnificent wings, it can keep aloft without ever having to land for rest.

After I get through the second cave, I run across one of the little fairy girls. One of the things I don’t like about more recent games is how they go for variety at the cost of sense. In the older games, you ran into the kid trainers earlier on and Victory Road was populated by ace trainers because they’re the cream of the crop. Here, it’s a bunch of idiot fighting type trainers – they’re always idiots because they go on about how they trained themselves when only their pokemon actually battle – and now some little kid. There’s no sense I’m fighting the cream of the crop here.

of course there’s also spooky ghost girl who i am not including in that previous paragraph at all don’t kill me

I can see your aura… It’s got an unlucky color about it…

Defeat leads to her explaining that my aura is warm and kind and the unlucky business is because she was my opponent. Have I finally bested spooky ghost girl? Will she leave me in peace with my soul attached?

Serena! Wait up!

It’s Calem. How did he get here? He was never on any of the pillars.

I’ve been thinking ever since that incident at Geosenge. Lysandre chose only Team Flare. You and I chose everyone but Team Flare.

…I what?

I guess this is confirmation that he murdered all of Team Flare, but I certainly didn’t choose that. And since we ran out, I don’t know why we didn’t tell anyone what was happening along the way.

But since our positions forced our hands, you can’t really say any of us were right.

What? Calem, this is not something debatable. If you fled without raising any alarm for the rest of the people, you’re a monster. You must have been running right by them.

So maybe… If both sides have something to say, it’s best to meet halfway…

Not with genocide!

So I decided that from now on, I don’t want to battle just to win but to see how you and your Pokemon think and feel!

Where the fuck did that come from?

And that’s the kind of Pokemon battle I’m challenging you to now!

Were they just really high by this point in the game?

Well then. He’s actually got a team of six. I guess that’s why there’s someone right before to heal my pokemon.

L57 meowstic. Altaria. Flareon. L61 greninjia. L59 absol. Not bad, but…I only have five on my team, and none of them faint, despite two being lower level than any of his.

Upon victory, he remarks, You know, it’s because I met you that I was able to get this far… But our journey’s just getting started. Who knows what heights we’ll reach!

No it’s not.

It’s hard to put a finger on where, but I think you and I are alike. And that’s why I didn’t want to lose to you. But I think the reason we’re alike is because we have so much in common.

So yeah, scriptwriter is definitely high by this point.

I’m really happy that we’re friends.

And he gives me some max revives.

I’m renewing my rivalry with you!

Once again, I repeat: Gary was the best rival. He understood what rivaling was about.

Since you’re my rival, I hope you get stronger and stronger as a Pokemon Trainer.

That is not it, in case you were wondering.

But we’ll keep getting stronger and stronger, too! I can master the power that comes from the bond between me and my Pokemon, just like you did! Power right on through the Pokemon League! I know you can do it!

And he leaves.