Pokeween 2020

With creepypasta apparently no longer popular, what horror fic remained made for a peaceful little stroll. One was actually good! Others were not, but in a diversity of ways.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13713751/1/Danganpoka

[Also, the plot of my story will be original and different from any of the real video games/anime. The concept is the same, but the events will be original.]

I’m guessing by “concept” you mean broadly, the whole locked in a school murdergames thing we’re initially introduced to, but you might also mean that the specific events/culprits will be different but the reveals about the outside world, there being a mastermind, etc is the same. As those would be two very different kinds of story, I think it’d be wise to explain more clearly right off the bat which one this is – kids trapped under Danganrompa rules, or kids trapped in the Danganrompa setting and despair cult and secret identities and so forth.

[“Who knows?” Another girl sighed, “There could be lots more that we haven’t found yet.”]

You’re largely doing dialogue correctly. But “sighed” isn’t really a speech verb – you could get away with it for something short, but not a long sentence like that. And also, some of the time you’re capitalizing after a ? or a ! when you shouldn’t be, so make sure to proofread.

[“I guess you have a point,” Leaf said, “Did anyone discover a way to get out?”]

Also, in this case it’d be [“I guess you have a point,” Leaf said. “Did anyone discover a way to get out?”] It’d only be written with a comma after said if the next bit of dialogue was part of the same sentence – [“I guess,” Leaf said, “you have a point. Did anyone discover a way to get out?”]

[“Leaf. I’m the Ultimate Journalist.”
My name is Lyra, and I’m the Ultimate Saleswoman.”
“My name is Gold, and I’m the Ultimate Skateboarder,”
“I’m Dawn, and I’m the Ultimate Model,”
“I’m Brenden, the Ultimate Zoologist,”
“My name is Blue, and I’m the Ultimate Scientist,”
“I’m Serena, the Ultimate Baker,”
“Bianca here!” a girl with short blonde hair announced cheerily, “I’m the Ultimate Hair Stylist!”
“And I’m Barry! I’m sure you all recognize me as the Ultimate Mewtuber!
“My name is Tierno, and I’m the Ultimate Hip-Hop Dancer!”
“I’ll go next. My name is May. I’m the Ultimate Gardener.”
“My name is Wally. I – I’m the Ultimate Chess Player.”
“I’m Rosa,” a girl with two buns spoke up, “I’m the Ultimate Figure Skater.”
“I’m Lucas,” a quiet boy spoke softly, “I’m the Ultimate Poet.”
“Silver,” a long red-haired guy said reluctantly, “I’m the Ultimate Gunman.”]

Okay, so while I will grant you canon didn’t exactly start in a good place, the girls are getting far more trivial abilities here. The boys get a range of skills with multiple serious jobs and non-jobs that are still thought of very highly in addition to one with an actual combat ability, while the girls’ are really gendered. “Ultimate Model” especially – what exactly does that even mean, if it has no overlap with selling a product (salewoman), making yourself look good (hair stylist), or knowing camerawork (youtuber)? Similarly, the boys contain both a zoologist and an all-around scientist (which is a weird overlap and problem in itself), but May is a gardener, not a botanist.

And it’s not like a number of them don’t have canon traits that would translate. Serena is good at riding animals, which would work well for jockey. Bianca gets apprenticed to a professor, why isn’t she getting anything academic? Something to do with history or archeology?

[“What are you all staring at with such grim faces?” the speaker asked disappointedly. Before us stood a talking creature. It looked a lot like a stuffed animal of some kind with long ears and a lightning bolt tail. It was half black and half white. The white side had a smile and a friendly looking eye, whereas the black side had an evil grin with sharp teeth and a menacing red eye.
“Wh – What the hell is that?!” Rosa yelled.
“I’m Pikachu!” the creature exclaimed, “And I’m the headmaster of this school!”
“An animal like you? The headmaster? Yeah right!” Blue said in disbelief.]

So, I agree with the idea that the equivalent of Monobear in this crossover should be an animatronic pikachu. Highly marketable franchise mascot fits well with the cinematic nature of the killing games.

However…this isn’t a pikachu so much as it’s a pikachu-shaped Monobear since you’ve still got the focus on the color design, and also in-universe it’s just straight up Monobear given they don’t recognize it as a highly popular franchise mascot so the fact it is doesn’t matter. If this was a setting which had the games as games, like in our world, you could get some mileage from them recognizing it the way we would. Pikachu also already has a degree of duality going for it with the cuddly looks followed by electrocution thing, and having it visibly crackling with electricity would be similarly conceptually to the half friendly/half evil split without directly copying it.

[“Because it leads to despair!” Pikachu answered, “Now let me explain how the game works. In order to graduate, you must kill one of your classmates, but it’s more complicated than that! You must commit the murder without getting caught! Once a murder occurs, we will hold a class trial where all of you students will try to reveal who the murderer, AKA the ‘blackened,’ is. If the blackened gets caught, then they will be the only one who receives punishment. However, if the blackened gets away with their crime, then everyone else will be punished and only the blackened will be allowed to graduate from the school.”
“What do you mean by us being punished?” Bianca asked.
“Put simply, it means you will be killed,” Pikachu answered.]

This is a lot more informative than the original. That might be because you want to avoid retreading old ground, but I thought doling out the rules more slowly was good for letting everyone have time to react to them, and as these are different characters that’s unexplored ground. Initially, the way out is just to kill someone, which is a lot easier to stomach than kill someone and then get everyone but yourself killed for not guessing you’re the culprit. It’s not just directly more tempting, it also makes it easier to worry someone else might decide it’s worth it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13713751/2/Danganpoka

[“We should split into teams,” May added, “I know we all agreed not to play the killing game, but just to be safe we should all stay with at least two other people.”
“I’ll be searching on my own,” Silver informed us.
“What? Why?” Dawn asked.
“Because to trust someone in this situation is to commit suicide. I value my life. You’d all best think about how much you value yours.” With that, the red haired man walked out of the cafeteria.]

Okay, so I know the point here is Silver is being a dumb lone wolf, but May specified groups of three or more. Not trusting one person not to murder you, trusting mutually assured destruction that anyone who tries to commit a murder will be immediately tattled on by the third person. Silver could still counter that you could murder someone then run away to accuse the other person of being the murderer, and that would help worsen anxiety in everyone else.

[“For now I think he’s harmless,” Leaf said as she searched one of the shelves in the classroom, “However, we all must be cautious of him and anyone else who shows an unwillingness to stick together. Our lives are at stake, just like he said.”]

…also, in this his special talent is shooting. He’s very likely to have come in with a weapon, and even if they’re sure he didn’t have a gun on him, they just discussed the fact everyone’s room had a weapon and those weapons varied instead of it being always knives.

And, you know, they’re in a school. Even if you assume that he shouldn’t shoot anyone because everyone else will point to him as the murderer, surely school shootings have established one kid with a gun can wipe out fifteen other kids in a confined area even without being recognized as supernaturally talented at shooting. Pikamonobear did not say that if you try to kill a second person he kills you for it. As far as they know you can win the trial by default if you kill everyone.

Hm. The plan of staying outside their rooms so they can stare at Silver is pretty terribly thought out, but wholly believable for them to think to do. He’s being abrasive so they want to do something to show they don’t like him, and they want to feel like they’re doing something. Similarly Barry very suspiciously deciding to leave without the other two telling him to go to his room instead.

Personally, I didn’t find waiting for the characters to off themselves that interesting in the original, though. It was about what was going on and how they were reacting to it. The whole “ultimate whatever” thing was really only good for making them obviously distinct, it’s pretty ridiculous really, and I was invested in finding out a lot of answers or what might push them next but it seems like you’re going to have the same reveals and stressors here.

So this is an interesting one to think about in how the fusion subtype of crossover works. It’s Pokemon characters transferred over to the Danganrompa setting, but learning about the Danganrompa setting makes up the overarching plot of the story. This is presumably going to have original individual murder mysteries as a result, so someone who already knows Danganrompa wouldn’t know the resolution, but a rehash of the overall mystery, which only someone unfamiliar with the fandom would find engaging, but also there’s little attempt to explain the setting so only someone who already knows about the Hope’s Peak and Ultimate Whatevers could nod along and focus on the actual story. Its target audience would appear to be someone who had the spoiler-free backstory of Danganrompa explained to them and is really into the human cast of Pokemon.

And, of course, the off the wall setting and Ultimate Whatevers seems to have been unquestionably accepted by the writer rather than asking why, so they don’t seem to understand the point was to have a really distinct cast with visible-from-space character quirks. Pokemon’s cast is the polar opposite of that even before you strip most of what little characterization they have off by trying to adapt them to pokemon-free world, and then in most of the cases the author doesn’t seem to have even tried to preserve what shreds remain. They’re functionally OCs, except if they were OCs they could’ve been designed to actually be interesting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13731804/1/Wereyeena

The way you’ve done the setup of telling a spooky story, startling everyone with a rumbling stomach, etc, is pretty well done except this is a world that not only has actual monsters, and including several scary dogs, including specifically a werewolfy scary dog, but one where people see far more terrifying and deadly monsters all the time and declare them adorable pets. They’ve grown up surrounded by them, and at the very least whoever’s in charge must have pokemon of their own or the group wouldn’t be able to be out in the forest.

[“Ugh, you asshole!”
The group of scouts almost collectively let out sighs of relief.]

The swearing strikes me as odd. How old are these guys? “Scouts” covers a lot, but pokeworld kids are running around on their own from a pretty young age, so it’s hard to believe these could be older teens, and it’s also hard to believe eight year olds would be talking like that.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ The creature gnashed it’s teeth]

Its. Apostrophe means “it is”.

[three species of pokemon: Poochyena, Zigzagoon and Wurmple. The Professor believed new species ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ I know, mom!”]

Meanwhile, if you’re using it to replace a name, it’s Mom.

[Brendan looked over at the three pokeballs on the table. Treecko, Mudkip, Torchic; The pokemon Brendan and May were supposed to have when they became trainers. However, when Brendan decided to become a professor instead, they got left behind. May thought it wasn’t fair if she took them and left Brendan none if he ever changed his mind. So, they stayed there in the lab. Brendan occasionally took them out to play or study with them. Treecko was probably his favorite of the three. If he was going to release them out there, he definitely wanted to make sure it was safe first. He turned back to the professor and nodded once more.]

This is really weird. You don’t find those pokemon in the wild in Hoenn, and certainly not in the area. I could see people often releasing pokemon without really thinking about that, but Birch is not only a professor but one who seems to be focusing on every detail of a very small area. Why would he of all people want to do this?

[His small campfire from last night still has some hot charcoal smoking underneath the burned wood. He took his backpack off and set it on the log he used as a bench nearby. He took the wood he collected along the way out of his backpack, along with a pack of matches and began setting up the fire. ]

If you’ve still got live embers you shouldn’t need matches. Also, he really shouldn’t have left a campfire with live embers if he goes home and sleeps in his own bed. That’s just asking for a forest fire.

[A Mightyena… Eyes red like blood, teeth sharp and wet with hunger-induced drool. The beast licked his maw, growling and circling poor Brendan. Brendan turned in time with it while slowly reaching back and picking up a burning branch out of the fire. He waved it in front of the Mightyena, who didn’t appear to be fazed at all. ]

I mean, yeah? The foundation of the games is you’re supposed to have pokemon of your own with you at all times, whether or not you’re focusing on being a pokemon trainer or doing some other job.

If he tried the treecko and it was smacked aside, grabbing a burning branch would make sense. But this story really reads like you took regular werewolf porn and then changed wolf to mightyena. Mightyenas aren’t even wolves, they’re hyenas. Hyenas don’t have knots.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13723064/1/Electric-Bone

[Read their stuff, it’s better then mine.]

Uh, you included your own name in that list of names.

[Red figured why they would have targeted him. Their disappearance was all his fault despite it not exactly being public knowledge. He kept getting stuck on one question though. Why Pikachu? If they were aiming to hit him where it hurts they could have grabbed his first pokemon, his first real friend, Venusaur. Venusaur would be hard to grab yet he was more easy going, but his feisty Pikachu would put up more of a fight yet there was no sign of struggle. It’s easy to think that his pikachu was his favorite since he was the one that sat on his shoulder as they traveled, but he loved all of his pokemon equally and he couldn’t stand not knowing where he was. It meant it was time for another journey after so long.]

Okay, so overall this fic is really hard to read. Let’s look at this particular paragraph.

[Red figured why they would have targeted him.]

[figured why they would have] is not really how you talk about things that definitely did happen. “Red knew why they had targeted him.” is what you want here.

[Their disappearance was all his fault despite it not exactly being public knowledge.]

What do you mean “despite” it not being public knowledge? In what way does Team Rocket’s decisionmaking hinge on what someone totally uninvolved wouldn’t know about this?

[He kept getting stuck on one question though. Why Pikachu? ]

This works. Red knows why Team Rocket would do something to hurt him, it’s because he’s behind their disappearance, /but/ he’s confused why it’s Pikachu in particular.

[If they were aiming to hit him where it hurts they could have grabbed his first pokemon, his first real friend, Venusaur.]

This also works.

[Venusaur would be hard to grab yet he was more easy going, but his feisty Pikachu would put up more of a fight yet there was no sign of struggle.]

So here we run into the issue that [hard to grab] presumably includes factors like how much of a struggle he’d put up. I’m guessing you’re thinking about the fact Venusaur is, presumably, just flat out big. You also want “but”, not “yet” – “yet” implies a connection between him being hard to grab and also easygoing that really doesn’t seem to exist. You could avoid two “but”s in the same sentence with “while his” instead.

[would put up more of a fight yet there was no sign of struggle.] and by the end of this sentence it’s switched topics. “I don’t know why there wasn’t evidence of a fight” is not evidence for why it makes no sense why they would steal Pikachu rather than Venusaur, it’s part of a different discussion about how things aren’t adding up about how they did it.

[It’s easy to think that his pikachu was his favorite since he was the one that sat on his shoulder as they traveled, but he loved all of his pokemon equally and he couldn’t stand not knowing where he was.]

And the topic has shifted again. This seems to be talking to the reader. An actual chain of reasoning would be “He was surprised they picked Pikachu as their target. Venusaur, his first pokemon and friend, would have hurt more. They must have mistaken Pikachu for his favorite since he was the one that sat on his shoulder as they traveled.”

[but he loved all of his pokemon equally] In this very paragraph [If they were aiming to hit him where it hurts they could have grabbed his first pokemon, his first real friend, Venusaur.] If what you meant was that most people assume the starter is the trainer’s favorite, then you should more clearly express right then that he’s saying what he’d expect from them but that the reasoning would be wrong.

[and he couldn’t stand not knowing where he was] And then this suddenly swerves into a counter-argument against the idea Red doesn’t care about Pikachu at all, something that was never suggested in the first place.

[Stepping over the police lines he could see dried blood on the walls and the dead decaying bodies of pokemon that were abandoned there when they fled. The rotting carcasses of pokemon that had no choice, but to battle one another to determine which ones were going to be dinner. It only lasted for so long before they were all gone. They never had a chance.]

Also this is over the top grimdark. Not only do pokemon get kept in pokeballs, not only does it beggar belief that none of these superpowered monsters could bust their way out (even in just one of the bases would alert people to the problem at the other bases, so none of them managed this!) but you also cannot have rotting carcasses and gore everywhere if you’re saying they did this in response to starvation. Their would be one singular carcass and a lot of picked over bones.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13713884/1/Lost-in-the-Woods

This feels very incomplete. You took the setup of “A kid gets lost in the woods and then dies” and pretty much just wrote that there’s a kid, and woods, and then they die.

[Monica squinted. There, in the distance, she could see a small light. What was it? It was a kind of…bluish-purple, flickering ball. Maybe if she could reach it, she’d be able to see better, and then it’d be easier to find her way home.]

That’s not how fixed light sources work, either. If you saw what looked like, say, a porch light while you were lost in the woods, would your thought be “if I walk to that circle of light, I will somehow be able to see the path to my house at the other end of the pitch-black forest”? or “if I walk to that light I will find somebody who can help me”?

[Monica promptly moved towards it. The longer she walked, the further away it seemed to get, though. ]

I also don’t know why, presented with an unknown light source that now appears to be moving, she doesn’t consider the possibility it’s moving and try shouting to whoever’s carrying the flashlight or whatever.

Monica also reads like someone from our world. Pokemon-world kids aren’t supposed to go into the woods alone because there’s all sorts of pokemon there, and if they did they’d know that there were all sorts of pokemon around including some that make lights. If she’s presented with a light that’s oddly colored and behaves weirdly as if it’s moving but there’s no sign of a human doing that, she has a ready explanation for what else it could be.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13727648/1/The-Inalienable-Dreamless

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Banette get used a lot as spooky pokemon but this was an extremely novel take on them, and I found the idea of them being not just made out of trauma chunks but also really confused about it to be both interesting and a pretty reasonable extrapolation about how a ghost formed from unhappiness would actually work.

[Then it struck her. Hypno had the ability to eat dreams as well as observe them. What if he ate all of hers up? Would that make all the nightmares go away? Would she wake up?
“Sadly, I’ve already tried that.”
Patch unfurled herself and opened her eyes. Jung was shivering. His eyes grew wide, magnified by those glasses, and his lips trembled. “I’ve… t-tried that. You were in that burning room again. I saw you, and you asked me to take them away. So I did, and…” He closed his eyes and sighed. “That set me on fire. Well, in the dream, not literally.”]

Glad you took the time to answer this because it’s exactly what I was wondering after he mentioned he wasn’t eating the carnival dream because it’d take the whole memory and he wanted her to have good ones. It would be nice to go a bit further and say what it means that he can’t – my first guess was that it’s too important to her structure, but that would seem to oppose the Ship of Theseus metaphor (not sure why it’s Meridian here?) where what matters is the whole, so I’m guessing it’s just that he can’t swallow any trauma over a certain size. If it’s a general rule that hypno can eat minor nightmares but not recurring trauma, it’d fit well with his job resembling normal therapy so much.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Skip to toolbar