Threat (DD (PS, SS))
That was clever. I like how you write Droog here – far from a nice person but not exaggeratedly so, and helpful to Slick without compromising that.
Inaccuracies (Droog, Slick, Karkat (Snowman, HB))
Hm. While I like how you set up the scene between Snowman and Droog, and their interaction seems perfectly IC, the idea of her scooping Slick’s guts out for the hell of it strikes me as rather exaggerated. Slick at the time of the intermission has all his limbs, both his eyes and no visible scars. He loses the eye and arm while murdering his way through the Felt mansion, not because she has problems controlling herself.
==> Slick: Be Nice (Slick, John (DD, Karkat))
Sowly, Slick turned his glare stage-ward
You really need to proofread better.
“… And I think you love him too, because you always get worried when he’s out doing Crew stuff, and you saved his life, and-”
Slick lurched down without warning and buried his teeth into John’s arm.
John and Slick are surprisingly amusing together.
Slick’s not such a bad guy, huh?”
Droog took a long drag off his cigarette and stared, as if truly contemplating this. “Nah,” he said, eventually. “He’s awful.”
Perfect ending.
It’s nice whenever the standard character interaction sets get mixed up a bit.
T1LL D34TH DO US P4RT (Terezi, Karkat (Vriska, Bec Noir))
Terezi kicked at the dirt, she just couldn’t go through with it. Vriska had been right there; within stabbing distance, yet she couldn’t do it. She sighed heavily and plopped down, sniffing lightly at the air. She could smell the pixie trails leading towards a distant place, she was thankful for her taste and smell. For because of her blindness she couldn’t see; she could have gotten revenge on Vriska right there for doing such a thing to her, but why couldn’t she force herself to do it? She was almost baffled. She couldn’t kill the only person she ever really hated. She decided perhaps it was best to go pester Karkat, he would cheer her up and probably bring that familiar teal blush to her cheeks.
I really don’t think this is a reasonable reading of their characters or the scene.
If Terezi just wanted to get back at Vriska for that, she had plenty of opportunity long before this point, and it was very clear that Terezi was only acting at all because she believed Vriska had done something else to warrant it and because she knew she needed to do it to prevent Jack from finding them. It’s not that Terezi is too weak to kill someone even though she hates them – Terezi’s killed plenty of people before. It’s that Terezi didn’t want to kill her. Also, it comes up several times that Terezi refuses to be upset about her blinding and views it positively.
And after letting Vriska go, she wouldn’t just go look for a distraction. She was telling Vriska that Jack will be able to follow her back – that’s why she was trying so hard to stop Vriska in the first place. I’m not sure why you have her forgetting about that and being blindsided by Jack’s later appearance.
“Terezi?!” He yelled
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
a gapping hole
Also, spellcheck is a good idea.
It occurs to me that both of these had the similar issue of ignoring the context of the attacks. Vriska does not evilly blind Terezi because she’s evil. She blinds Terezi because Terezi made a cueball blow up in her face, which in turn happened because she killed Aradia, which she did because Aradia set the ghosts on her, which was in response to the fact she crippled Tavros..
It just stands out after all the times Eridan’s killing spree gets called self-defense.
Bite the Pillow (DD (SS))
Already read this story several times over, and this one adds nothing new and doesn’t do it particularly well.
Also rather sick of the whole glitches business showing up unnecessarily.
Angry Delinquent’s Fucking Normal Family (AD (Wifehearst, Sonhearst))
“Honey, I’m home!” Delinquent called as he walked in through the front door. On the job, he was Angry Delinquient– at home, he was Anxious Dad.
If you’re trying to show the distinction, it’d probably be better to be calling him by his initials at points like this, rather than still using Delinquent at a point where you say he’s Dad.
“Good idea,” Dad said gruffly, all parental-like as was befitting an Anxious Dad.
Your writing is really rough. This could probably have benefited from being read over again.
This also feels rather empty and plotless. You don’t really do anything with the contrast of his life at work and at home, you just reference the difference and have him eat some meatloaf.
Friendship Never Dies (HB (CD))
On that particular night, the burly Dersite going by the name of Boxcars noticed something was amiss when the child-sized ball of warmth that always slept against his side was mysteriously and suddenly absent.
The writing of this needs work. Constructions like the X going by the name of Y tend to be more annoying than clever, and in general, your sentences are far too long and wordy. They’re okay in moderation, but this story’s overloaded with them.
And far too many of your sentences throw in something irrelevant that just makes them confusing. Like
Boxcars had silently promised that he’d be there to protect them – no matter how weak they may have seemed from time to time – but he always made a special effort for Deuce.
How does the fact the others are sometimes weak oppose the idea of Boxcars wanting to be there to protect them?
Or
Boxcars had to give Deuce credit for being brave, for few were willing to aid Slick, back then, Jack, defy the Queen, let alone spy upon her within the confides of her very throne room, but nothing changed the fact that Deuce was tiny.
We already know he’s Jack, that doesn’t need to be stuffed in mid-sentence. And even removing that chuck, this would read far more easily if it was split up, so that it doesn’t read like you’re saying Deuce’s size has something to do with him spying on her in her throne room.
Dust Shards (Aradiacester (Condesce))
Mm, it’s interesting to consider the preScratch trolls, but I’m not sure what you’re going for at the end there? If the Handmaid is the one who promised to find her and still be friends and remembers that, it doesn’t make too much sense for her to then follow up by handing off her enslavement. If she means that since Condesce doesn’t remember she doesn’t care, then it doesn’t work right because Condesce was the one originally warning against the Scratch, so it’s unfair to see it as a betrayal on her part. Or is there something else that’s going on I’m missing?
Deuce of Clubs 2: Can City Investigation Team (OC, People Who Might As Well Be OCs)
Kenn was on her customary midnight stroll through the streets of Can City when her spine tingled, and she checked the katana in her strife specibus semi-consciously as she looked around warily. Growing up in a none-too-friendly area of the the metropolis had taught the human to always trust her instincts, even in a place that seemed this safe.
Across the wide street was a large building she recognized, clearly marked “Harley Research” in large, bold letters on a sign at the front of the property. It was a well-known facility, where the learned doctor and vice-mayor Jade Harley had recently developed something called “ectobiology”. Kenn and her matesprit, Raiden
I have very few things that will actually make me stop reading a story, but there’s a particular tipoff that tells me it’ll be the only truly unforgivable thing in fanfic, which is so boring it’s unreadable.
When I read this opening, I hear My pet self-insert and their boyfriend named OverusedPopularCharacter, whose lives I assume you’re already invested in and who I’ve dumped into this crossover midway through whatever drama they’re going through in my other fanfic/RP/original fic because I am way too involved to care about telling a good story over telling you about my alter ego’s drama.
I have absolutely no idea how much of that’s correct. What I do know is that for testing purposes I skimmed the rest and there’s a sudden reference to the fact she was just raped because they think it’s weird a rape victim would be out alone at night so she has a chance to talk about how the night just calls to her because she’s a special snowflake like that and it gets worse from there.
Also, I’m not reviewing is it’s based on that awful fic that replaced John’s characterization (and everyone else, but mostly him) because pastiche, so it’s not like there’s any connection to Homestuck proper left by this point..
Well, that finishes up the 18th of November. Can’t wait to finish Graceling, maybe I’ll make some actual headway in the final week this month.
DD (PS, SS)
Droog, Slick, Karkat (Snowman, HB)
Slick, John (DD, Karkat)
Terezi, Karkat (Vriska, Bec Noir)
DD (SS)
AD (Wifehearst, Sonhearst)
HB (CD)
Aradiacester (Condesce)
Two of eight. Much improved.