The end of Dec 18!
Chapter 51: Inspector+Nepeta, Making friends (PI (Nepeta))
This seems incomplete. You do a good job summarizing at the end what why being around Equius is something positive for Nepeta, but the rest of the story is wandering – there’s no real reason why if Nepeta is unhappy at school and has two friends, getting a third is the obvious solution. If she was complaining Karkat and Kanaya weren’t interested in cats, say, then it’s clearer why PI’s solution would be to try to find someone new to talk to.
Chapter 52: Crowbar/Die, First date (Crowbar (Die, Itchy))
So in order to avoid all sorts of unwanted attention, Crowbar and Die elected to keep quiet the nature of their first … well, it wasn’t a date exactly, more like ‘private dinner’. They met on one of the Mansion’s rooftop patios, over a couple bowls of microwave soup. It wasn’t the most romantic date Crowbar had ever been on, but it was nice.
I’m really not clear on why it made sense to them that to avoid anyone finding out it’d be best to do it on the premises.
Also, this whole sideverse is a good example of why you really need to keep headcanon subordinate to telling a proper story. A lot of the details you’re throwing in don’t make any sense in canon, but you’re not developing them into a story, they’re just there because you thought of them and liked the idea, even if they work terribly in terms of fanfic.
Chapter 53: Rose/Kanaya, Problem Sleuth finds out (Kanaya (Rose, PS))
“Kanaya,” Rose said evenly, “your father is seeing Spades Slick. Short of you revealing you’ve slurped the technicolor rainbow lifeblood of every troll in the city, I think you’re fairly unlikely to shock him.”
Which is the massive plot hole at the heart of the story – where did Kanaya get the idea in the first place that her dad would be upset?
The setup here requires the final bit to be some sort of surprise turnaround, like confessing to a parent only for them to casually mention a previously unknown piece of information. If Kanaya didn’t know he then either casually mentions “Why, when I used to date Slick,” or he and Slick have just hooked up and he pokes his head out or something, the story’s structure works, but here the reveal is something she already knows. Honestly, all of this probably would make more sense with it being Rose doing the confessing.
Sleuth being upset at their terrible dating locations was funny, though.
Also, the two sound too formal here, particularly in the opening.
Chapter 54: Midnight Crew, Deuce gets angry (HB (DD, CD, SS))
Eh, this is fanfic of fanfics, and it’s based around the least canon aspect of those fanfics, making it pretty far removed from the source.
It is kind of hard to articulate exactly where you draw the line on this stuff, isn’t it? I guess this kind of thing seems particularly disconnected because it’s addressing an issue that only exists due to OOC in the first place, so it’s hard for me to have any interest in seeing the results of one tiny aspect addressed when the rest is still running on because-I-say-so logic.
Chapter 55: Slick+Scratch, Supernatural face-off (Crowbar (Slick, Scratch, Die, Snowman))
Hm. The imagery of Slick throwing around black fire is a nice one. Die’s kind of a distraction here – in a setting that isn’t particularly magic heavy, having a character explain that the magic is like yet another type of magic that’s actually real doesn’t work well, and it just raises side questions, like if there’s a way of doing this that isn’t so dangerous, why don’t shadow magic users try that instead? Similarly, Scratch having magic of his own seems unnecessary – Slick already can’t hurt him, and it’s confusing that he’s apparently using a third type of magic that doesn’t exhaust him like either of the two magic types just explained.
Although I do hope Snowman is good to Slick; we’ll need him eventually.”
Also, it seems like none of the other Felt are aware Lord English’s plan requires Slick, and it’s a plan that seemed to work solely because of how she’d behave in the first place, so it’s really weird that here, Scratch is telling someone else about it on the basis that Snowman might instead be too unstable and impulsive to not kill Slick.
Chapter 56: Rose/Kanaya, The girls run a fashion blog with Droog (Kanaya (Rose, Droog))
“I don’t even know where to start with these suits,” Rose sighed
Much like with chuckling, “sigh” isn’t a description of how that sentence was said, so it shouldn’t be used as a speech tag.
Anyway, this is just really bland. There’s the connection that Kanaya likes fashion (though she’s more into making her own fashions and never showed an inclination to judge others) and Rose writes (though not particularly clearly) but overall it seems more like it’s a story about some characters who have a fashion blog than fanfic.
Chapter 57: Deuce, Infomercials (CD (DD, HB))
You have to be quick with Droog, because he’s pretty fast, but you have a lifetime of experience with slapstick gags, so shooting mustard is pretty much really easy.
This seems like it’s trying too hard. Maybe just have Deuce digging out clothes from Droog’s room and staining those to demonstrate?
Chapter 58: Spades Slick, Parenting (SS (DD, Karkat))
“We can’t … Slick , what the fuck is wrong with you?” Slick paused. When Diamonds Droog looks you in the eye and asks you what’s wrong with you, it’s a good time to stop and take a look at what you said. “If you’re just going to kill him then call Boxcars or something, he’d take him. Christ.” He shook his head and looked to his own grub. “We find these things in a dumpster and you just want to kill them because it’s inconvenient for you? How’s that make you any better than the jackasses that left ‘em there in the first place?”
Yes, since when is Slick or any of them morally superior to people who abandon kids? Sure, none of them would abandon a kid, but that’s only because it’s more work than just killing them directly.
Really, if you want to do the whole stabdads thing you really need to avoid stories about how the kids are annoying and the only thing keeping the kids alive is the Crew’s fine moral compass, because they don’t have one.
I don’t know why people see plot holes and then write stories focusing more on that plot hole, like as long as you acknowledge it the plot hole stops mattering?
Chapter 59: Slick+Sleuth, Temporary blindess (Droog, Sleuth (Slick))
more than once Droog had only been alerted to Slick’s alert state
Really needs to be reworded.
This is amusing, particularly Droog going fuck it and leaving someone else to deal with Slick, but I find it hard to believe he’d be willing to give up their hideout location over it. Why not just dump Slick at Sleuth’s place instead and then give Sleuth a similar call? Then he wouldn’t need to worry about the hideout getting trashed at all.
Chapter 60: Jack Noir, Dying after being Bec (Jack (CD, HB, DD))
Eh. This is a muddle. You don’t really show much evidence of him being controlled by the ring itself, and most of the complaints seem petty – it’s not Jack’s fault PM killed HB just because she had a weapon. It’s not particularly Jack’s fault he didn’t know DD was somewhere when last he checked, DD was fine and running the country. Really, the only one with a point is CD, and that’s the only one that actually can be clearly blamed on the ring.
I can’t even tell if I’m supposed to be mad at Jack since the story’s twisting things to make him dickish where he wasn’t, or sympathetic for him because everyone’s mad at him over things that are getting twisted or what.
Chapter 61: Slick+Vriska, If she were his kid (Slick (Vriska))
This is pretty creepy and there’s something oddly deserved about Slick raising a psychopath, but it’s really missing Vriska’s character. I mean, she’s pretty much all about nurture, so why would she be so incredibly much worse when raised in a situation she didn’t have to kill people to survive? Where’s she getting her weird personal improvement ideas when Slick doesn’t give a damn?
God I wish Vriska would stop showing up just to be a psychopath. It’s particularly irritating how the few times she shows up in MC stuff she’s always like this, because obviously Vriska is a thousand times worse than people who blow up planets for fun.
Chapter 62: Midnight Crew+Kids, Bowling (Sollux (CD, Aradia, Karkat, SS, DD))
Eh.
Chapter 63: Slick+Karkat, Poor parenting (Slick (Karkat))
Weirdly cute. I’d have liked it to be a little clearer about what actually happened, even if it’s not necessary to the story.
Also I’m a bit surprised there wasn’t any issue with cops being around.
Chapter 64: Team Sleuth, Saving the day (PI (PS, SS, AD))
Funny!
Chapter 65: Deuce/Ms Paint, First date (CD (HB, Ms Paint))
Chapter 66: DD+PI, Exile (DD (PI, SS, CD, HB))
Hm, that was interesting. I like how you describe everything.
Chapter 67: Slick+Karkat, Rigging up the lights (Karkat (Slick, Sleuth, Aradia, Droog))
They didn’t really have storage – not in a townhouse in the middle of the city where a basement was a rarity granted to the privileged few.
I think Slick probably would be one of the privileged few, though.
“Just go get your fucking ladder.”
“Didn’t bring it.”
“ What ?”
“I mostly just wanted to see you stuck in a tree.” Droog raised an eyebrow and fiddled with one of his cufflinks. “I have absolutely no intention of actually helping you.”
All of this is hilarious.
Chapter 68: Spades Slick, Losing things (Slick (MOC))
Kind of quietly depressing but also sweet.
Chapter 69: Midnight Crew, Ikea (SS (CD, HB, DD))
The first 3/4ths are hilarious and IC, but Droog sounds exactly like every other sugar high/overcaffeinated character ever written.
PI (Nepeta)
Crowbar (Die, Itchy)
Kanaya (Rose, PS)
HB (DD, CD, SS)
Crowbar (Slick, Scratch, Die, Snowman)
Kanaya (Rose, Droog)
CD (DD, HB)
SS (DD, Karkat)
Droog, Sleuth (Slick)
Jack (CD, HB, DD)
Slick (Vriska)
Sollux (CD, Aradia, Karkat, SS, DD)
Slick (Karkat)
PI (PS, SS, AD)
CD (HB, Ms Paint)
DD (PI, SS, CD, HB)
Karkat (Slick, Sleuth, Aradia, Droog)
Slick (MOC)
SS (CD, HB, DD)
Two of nineteen.
So, that’s finally done. And now it’ll update with another billion chapters, but whatever, I’ll smash into that bridge when I come to it.