Slick in the opening is entertaining, but he’s the sort to attempt a witticism and screw it up rather than actually banter smoothly. Rose is similarly entertaining. Ms. Lalonde handling is irritating, though – even before Roxy was introduced she was clearly a very functional drunk and Rose’s complaints about her mother are that she’s lavishly demonstrative, not that she ignores Rose in favor of talking about how she can’t get laid, plus she’s clearly pretty intelligent and has an extensive science education that should mean at least basic understanding of illness, so she not here for any compassion she just wants to fuck with johns dad who is freaked out about bro whose been fucking incoherent for days now just does not, on any level, make sense.
This is labeled Dave/John, so it’s likely it’s also Bro/Dad, which just makes it worse.
Now Ya Fucked Up (SS, PS (DD, HB, CD, PI, AD))
No digging necessary. Just leave the coffin stuffers out to bake. Not to mention every exile has a special fear of being stranded, alone and unprepared, out in the big sandbox.
This is a bit of jumpy. I’m not sure if you’re saying that abandoning the corpses out there disturbs people so they’re further terrified of getting on the crew’s bad side or if the idea is no one will go out to look even when they can guess a body is out there.
It’s nice to see the MC being bastards, though!
“Don’t suppose you’re going to give us any water?”
It’s hard to believe they’re much in danger by not getting water, though, or being out there at all. Not only did they personally survive it once, but the carapaces are designed to survive the inevitable wasteland so they can be around to do exile duties. At a hundred miles out, that’s just a day of walking at four miles an hour. Even if it was almost two hundred, it’d be just about two days, three if they’re resting a lot. Getting them far enough out to really be in danger would likely involve a significant investment of time on the MC’s part.
Since you mentioned that the desert traumatized everyone, playing up that would probably be a better route than focusing on the logistics, which seem to just be that it’ll be an unpleasant experience. PS is taking this all surprisingly well and seems to be concerned about actual problems, when from the bit earlier I’d expect him to be fighting off irrational panic instead.
Explaining What It Was That You Really Meant (MOC (FOC))
Holy shit and I thought the last one of these was bad. So the two OCs are going to have sex, and the Dersite woman is surprised to see the Prospitian guy’s dick has no spikes. Apparently on Derse, they have to bite those off first. Fine so far. Then it’s explained she personally doesn’t have the teeth for it, so she’s unable to have sex without being torn apart, because apparently blunt teeth magically can’t break shell. (And yet she was enthusiastic about sex with him before she knew that?) Anyway it’s okay! No one’s ever “caught” her, because in addition to deliberately making her unable to have sex without getting torn apart unless it’s the ~special main character~, her planet is also full of rapists! This does double duty of also allowing her to be a virgin for him even though Dersites, being generally shitty spike-dicks, are normally all about casual sex.
It THEN has her ranting about how she can’t believe he’s a virgin because he is so awesome he must have had all the sex with everyone, because clearly that is what’s important here. But on awesome Prospit which is great, instead sex=marriage because sluts are terrible. Luckily she understands Derse sucks in every way and is happy to be an honorary Prospitian instead.
The author created all of Derse around making her be the perfect faux-action-girl waifu for her guy, including spiked penis rape, to make him look better.
Dear god I can’t imagine what the next one of these will be like. Maybe she could get actual raped and cry about how unfaithful it makes her and he’ll forgive her.
The Unloved (HB (SS))
Got this already!
Snippets Ch9 (Slick (Deuce, Sollux, Karkat))
A drabble is the term for a writing exercise of exactly a hundred words, not anything short.
Growling low in his throat, he grabbed for the kid and hauled him closer, inspecting him. A scrawny little thing, big red eyes peering up at him and tiny teeth bared in a snarl. This one definitely wasn’t like the cringing little thing Boxcars had eventually taken.
Maybe he could get used to this kid.
I like this bit, it’s a cute little description of Karkat and I could see Slick finding it endearing. The rest of it doesn’t work so well – it’s harder to believe Slick would take Karkat, snarly or not, when he’s already set against it. Having Deuce argue about it just raises the issue of why the rest of them care at all, and talking about how unappealing and drooly Karkat is before makes it worse – it’s more reasonable for Slick to go along with it if the first thing he sees is stupid snarly face and only afterward realizes it also involves drool and whining.
They don’t appear in any of the chapters I skimmed and it’s about brony Dirk and Equius, the most bleh pairing, then it’s written terrible on top of that, so you know, someone else can do this one.
Check/Mate (BK, JN, BQ)
In one hand is a balled up jester’s hat. It seems the queen has been taunting Noir with unwelcome gifts again. The king wonders what would happen in a session in which one of the players prototyped with a clown or something.
There really doesn’t seem to be any sign that she makes him wear clown outfits in particular, she seems to just be hassling him to wear some prototype combination like the rest. Given Jack’s fashion issues and that he generally hates looking stupid, pretty much any outfit would work. It’s a half-dress outfit that she’s shoving in his face the time he actually kills her.
His hands are running down her sides as he savages her robe, and his teeth scrape across her chest; he’s tearing it to pieces with every available appendage and orifice, it seems. Then his hands are about her throat. For an instant, she lies still, savoring the giddy feeling of the trickle of air to her lungs slowing—but she’s not going to let him keep the upper hand.
Okay, but why did she give him the upper hand in the first place? She’s weirdly passive throughout this. And she needs a weapon to get control again despite being much larger and presumably much stronger (she’s an endgame boss, he’s an early-encounter NPC). And then almost immediately he gets in complete control again with a gun (something they don’t seem to even have prior to exile) that’s there and she was just too stupid to remember it?
He’d never do it, but there’s still that tiny frisson of doubt, and the undeniably fearful image of him holding onto her headless corpse and blood all over the sheets, the blood she can taste leaking into her mouth, tears of pain that she can no longer stop from trickling down her face, and through it all, the raw, momentous feeling of being wholly at the mercy of someone who hates her.
See, you’re not writing a black relationship where they just hate each other so much as you’re writing her as secretly a ridiculously subby masochist. She’s not getting off on hating him for this but on him being in control here.
“You’re fucking beautiful,” he says. “Also a beautiful fuck.”
She reaches for the gun, but he bats it away and it clatters across the floor.
“I believe I fucked you,” she points out with a queenly smirk
No, she really, really didn’t. He held a gun to her face and ordered her to open her legs, and then she went on about how hot it was to be terrified and powerless. And he also seems to have drawn almost all the blood this encounter – I believe the only point she hurts him is when she nicks him with the knife, and the most she manages after that is to get the gun so it’s no longer directly aimed at her, she can’t even succeed at getting it herself. Much like her telling Jack she’s in control because she’s the queen earlier, it comes off as delusional – if this stuff was actually true, she shouldn’t just be saying it, it should bear at least passing resemblance to actual events.
If you want to write a story where Jack happens to get the better of the queen, you really need to remember she’s not going to be pleased about that and it’s not going to be easy on his part. She really should not be deliberately giving him an upper hand, either. And while you could probably write him getting control convincingly as leading to really great hatesex, it’d be about hate, not submissive masochism, and she wouldn’t be telling him to stay afterward so they can cuddle. He’d probably need to bolt out as soon as they were done, for that matter. Also, if he gets the better of her it should be because he actually does something clever, instead of her being such an idiot she orders his hands under a pillow that happens to hide her husband’s anachronistic gun.
I first read this back when SOMEONE came screaming to me about another, more terrible fic that’s been pulled from the internet (but not from my heart…or my harddrive, I think ahead.) and it helped me figure out the nagging issue I have with a lot of Snowman fic. Even when there isn’t a clear put-her-in-her-place vibe, a good half of the writers seem to want to give Jack or Slick the upper hand somehow, with the end result that she looks really weak when she’s always losing even when she’s got all the advantages.
coloUrs and mayhem: Universe B (Jack, John, lots of other people in other snippets but these were exceptionally dull and I’m not going through to count)
A drabble is a term for a writing exercise where something’s edited to be exactly 100 words. There’s no such thing as a short drabble because drabble means a set length.
Jack sniggered as he reclined in the throne, watching the children fighting. They’d never pass his guards, would they? He took another drink from his goblet and hummed, closing his eyes a moment.
He opened them to pain.
A hammer slammed down on one leg, cracking the shell of his exoskeleton. Bright blue eyes stared down at him with determination, and soon, it was over.
That’s…really dull, really. The monarchs are endgame bosses and if Jack’s managed to get control of Derse he really should have a ring. Plus, he’s more of a do-if-yourself guy. His response to seeing HB struggle to deal with John’s dad is to head down himself to handle it.
started when the song started, stopped when the song stopped. I hope you enjoyed them! Please leave comments. If you liked a certain drabble
A drabble is the polar opposite of a thing where you wrote some stuff in a hurry and then stopped abruptly. Those can be really interesting, but they’re not drabbles.
SS, PS (DD, HB, CD, PI, AD)
Slick (Deuce, Sollux, Karkat)
BK, JN, BQ
One of six, continuing to remind us that representation is not the same thing as good representation.