i loved you first (Karkat (John, Casey, Vriska, Kanaya, Rose, Sollux, Aradia, Jade, Dave, Droog, Slick))
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.
Karkat seems really flat in this. He’s not foul mouthed just because he sticks some swears in his sentences, he’s really verbose, even flowery, about what unpleasant things need to be stuck up various other things.
…and same thing with everyone else. Really flat, vague to no identifiable character. Also, it’s really better to just keep their original names instead of weird shorted syllable chunks.
He has to call his father. It’s not like he hasn’t talked to Slick in the past few moments, because if he doesn’t check up on him, he won’t know if his father is still alive.
I think you mean “months” not “moments”. Also, mobsters disappearing is often news, and so is finding their bloody body because their enemies didn’t bother to dispose of it when they could send a message by leaving it.
Why on earth wouldn’t Slick know about Karkat’s boyfriend when you just explained Karkat stays in touch? And why would he be so enthusiastic about Karkat dating a kid of Snowman’s? (Especially considering he’s involved with Snowman, rendering it quasi incestuous even before getting into the fact he’s the most likely candidate for Terezi’s biological father, just as Snowman’s the most likely pick for Karkat’s mother.)
When he finally opens the door, what he sees is his father wearing his mobster suit, thankfully.. and.. there is a petite, young woman hanging on his arm. She’s quite pretty, blonde hair peeking out from under a sort of head wrap
Ms Paint is not “petite”. She isn’t even short in comparison to Slick. Nor young in comparison.
Why would Karkat be worried Slick would be homophobic? We know it’s not even a thing for trolls and there’s no sign carapaces care, so why would Karkat have been raised to think it was so standard he just assumes his dad would have an issue?
This is pretty choppy and while it sounds dramatic, could really stand to be developed further.
Shattered Ch1 (Karkat (Feferi, John))
“If you’re a girl-version of who I think you are,” she beamed, “This’ll be —EXCITING, glub glub glub!
This should be “If you’re a girl-version of who I think you are,” she said, beaming, “this’ll be —EXCITING, glub glub glub! You need a speech verb to connect the narration to the dialogue, or else it’s treated as two separate sentences (“Like this.” She beamed.) and if you’re breaking a sentence up in the middle, you don’t capitalize the second half because it’s not the start of a sentence.
Feferin had always loved talking while he healed people, just like this fish bitch right here. Yak-yak-yak-yak yak-yak-yak-yak yak-yak-yak-yak. It seemed that it wasn’t a matter of gender that the horrorterror-hugging freak
This seems extremely vicious for Karkat. He tends toward elaborate general profanity.
That gray sign that just screamed “LOOK AT ME, I’M A PUNY ASSHAT WHO’S INSECURE WITH EVERY FUCKING FACET OF HER EXISTENCE AND FANCIES HERSELF A THRESHECUTIONER! PLEASE, ANYONE WHO’S NOT A TOTAL FUCKING MISTAKE OF A LIFE, STEP RIGHT UP TO PANTS ME IN FRONT OF ANY CUTE GUYS AND/OR HOIST SAID PANTS UP TO MY FUCKING HORNS AND HANG ME OUT LIKE YOU’RE SMOKING A HOGBEAST!!”
And this seems weirdly trivial. Karkat has a blood color that’s instant death. Also, trolls rarely meet up and Karkat is presumably even more of a recluse than usual, so it doesn’t make sense to be primarily concerned about a bully making you look stupid in front of other people (and it wouldn’t be so gendered of a concern given the whole bisexual thing)
But as a girl, you’re even tinier, Karkat!”
Ugh. Genderbending a character into a girl just to go on about how pathetic and harmless they are like this is really, really annoying.
Karkat stared up with her angry orbs
Orbs is a really ridiculous term for eyes.
It continues to be really annoying that you’re writing the genderswapped girl version as weak and ineffectual.
By all appearances, carapaces don’t have dream bubbles. They’re NPCs, and if they did get dream bubbles they’d be the most common inhabitants due to enormously outnumbering the players, yet we’ve never seen even one of their bubbles.
“YOU LITTLE BITCH!! You’re the one who cost me everything when I agreed to kill that DAMNED QUEEN!! Shoulda known you weren’t quite dead, I can smell a kid that needs killin’ from fifty paces.”
This isn’t making sense. Karkat was attacked by a prototyped Jack from the human session. This is the Jack from his session, who wasn’t the one attacking so wouldn’t have any opinion on his deadness.
I have a very important job for you two, and I need you to cut the crappy, build a bridge, and get the hell over yourselves, m’kay?” She looked back and forth between the two. Both were making faces at each other. “Do you wish for your souls to become forfeit to the Horrorterrors?” Both Karkat and Jack jumped and responded at once.
This is ridiculous.
The Quiet Lovers (Crowbar (Sawbuck))
This is chubby kink, and like most of those it really doesn’t seem to have much to do with the characters. Crowbar eats some food and gets a fat belly.
Follow Me (DD (Slick, Bec Noir, PM))
This doesn’t manage to get past the general problem stories have with a good afterlife – why is DD delaying Slick’s death if dying is no big deal? Particularly if he’s just going to go on to tell him that the rest of them are waiting knowing this will just encourage him to end up killing himself and joining them. Why is he rationalizing why he shouldn’t feel bad about doing that when you’ve never explained what’s actually bad about dying, or even different than being alive?
She hates him, you can tell, but at the same time, certainly she is curious about him and the way she looks at him… She knows he is not the same Jack Noir she hunted across the void. She cares for him, but not in the way you did. Do. Nobody could care for Spades Slick the way you do. For a moment you want to reach out and take Slick from her, tear him from her one hand and bring him back with you, back to the others.
It’s not the right time yet, so instead you watch as the woman helps Slick patch himself up.
And again, why? Even going on the idea that the ring ultimately sent Jack off the deep end, he started off the same as the Jack who ordered her to kill her monarchs and then ordered one of his underlings to kill her. Even if Slick grew enough as a person to justifiably be considered different, I don’t see why she’d see any pressing need to look for it. Why would she stop instead of continuing after her actual goal? And if she was capable of patching anyone up, why would Slick get it if WV didn’t?
Also PM/SS managed to sneak its way in at the end just because I can’t resist PM/SS in any universe at all. arg why do people think this.
This is one of those creepfests where things are randomly sexualized. I don’t know why, I don’t want to know why. It does appear to get decently into the game itself, but I don’t want to read porno plot fanfic.
This one presumably makes sense if you recognize the other fandom. I don’t.
“Well!” Problem Sleuth says, because his pulchritude stat is high enough to allow him to make shitty puns like that.
I really like how you write PS’s narration, it’s clever without making him look overly clever personally.
His rescue was a pomeranian?
Rescuer, I think you mean. Cute, though.
Also, here’s a story where it’s zombie apocalypse and Feferi, naturally, is first to fall. Eridan won’t believe she’s dead until she gets back up so Sollux pulls him away and they escape and then they cuddle together. Because that’s what Feferi is good for. Not part of the count, just saying.
Reconstruction (WV (Dave, Terezi))
I love this, especially how slow and painful each bit is. He doesn’t even eat! But then finally he and Terezi can agree on color tastiness, and Dave keeping babbling along until he reaches the right thing to say at the right time, and in the end their friendship and his recovery makes so much sense. And his own strangeness fits in so well with them – anyone else would have wanted to know why a can town, and if they didn’t ask they’d have been very pointedly not asking, but the two of them can just roll with it.
Karkat (John, Casey, Vriska, Kanaya, Rose, Sollux, Aradia, Jade, Dave, Droog, Slick)
Karkat (Feferi, John, Jack)
DD (Slick, Bec Noir, PM)
WV (Dave, Terezi)
1/2 of 6.
Page 577 I hate everything