Sunday Carapaces Part 50 (8 reviews, 7 stories)

March 3-7

Symphony of Silence (OMC)

This is wonderful. I love the way you describe his Land, and your ending is perfect.

The Last Gambit of Zazzerpan the Learned Dave, Calmasis (Rose, Zazzerpan))

What don’t you “get”?” she asked the question with an obnoxiously snide emphasis on the word ‘get’

“I see.” the way she quirked her eyebrow was accusatory

“I see,” she repeated, chuckling a little, “I am a writer

So, with dialogue, the only time you follow it with an uncapitalized letter (or connect to it with a comma) is if there’s a speech tag directly connected to it in the narration. Even the first sentence here isn’t doing that – the bit talking about how she said the question is its own separate sentence because it repeats that you’re talking about the question – it would have to be simply “she asked with an obnoxiously snide emphasis on the word ‘get’” in order to be capitalized that way.

Aside from that, your sentences are all amazingly well done, exactly the sort of clever back and forth I’d expect from the two of them as adults, while the wizard fanfic is the perfect balance of ridiculous and readable. I’m not sure which half of the story I enjoyed more.

Birdcage (John (Jake, Aradiacester))

This really seems more like creepy original fic. Amnesia’d John being stuck in a birdcage for no discernible reason by Jake who’s calling himself Lord but seems to be acting generic crazy just doesn’t have much of anything to do with Homestuck.

BattleBound: Interspecies Relations Ch1

Hey, Battle Royale! God, that’s nice to see after so many Hunger Games fusions.

“Seriously bro,” John said, leaning over the book on his best friend’s lap.

Karkat’s his best friend? I’d think the main four kids would be closest, or if not, that Karkat would just be on the same general friend level and not outclassing them.

“No worries, sis,” John smiled.

You only do the comma thing when the next sentence has a verb describing the way the dialogue was said. With verbs like smiled, it’s a separate sentence, so “No worries, sis.” John smiled. would be how to write it.

The trio’s interaction is overall rather cute but goes on a bit long to the point it seems forced, and I think it’d have been better to spend the chapter establishing more of the kids on the bus. I like the glimpses of the rest of them I see and that things aren’t just going through the usual mold, like stalker Tavros.

And the pictures are a nice addition, particularly the photo of Karkat trying not to be photographed.

BattleBound: Interspecies Relations Ch2

Oh fiddlesticks!” Prof Scratch looked down at the wires in his hand. The projector was making an unfortunate clicking sound, “I can never get these to do what I want. Sollux, you’re good with technological whatsits. Please come up here and deal with this.”

This really doesn’t sound anything like Scratch. Surely there’s another adult you could sub in if you want this sort of dialogue? Boxcars seems a passable choice and he’s already present on the bus. Or, if you really want Scratch, you have to make him sound a lot more formal.

“I think you’re going to get fired,” said Feferi. “You can’t cull a princess. Unless, you know, you’re the Empress. But even then it’s not really done.”

It would probably help if Feferi was saying something about the specific manner in which princesses had to be culled, since he did just say that the Empress had given the order for this.

Hm, that Tavros bit was well done.

“Now, if I was in your shoes, I would plan to stake out the base and pick off everyone one by one.” Vriska frowned, angry that her plan had been spoiled. “That’s cheating, assholes. Killing starts fifteen minutes after the last name is called. Gotta control those variables. And, if any of you wise guys think that you can get away with not killing each other we have a plan for that too. Your professor boasts omniscience. He will know if you’ve killed anyone. If you try to make a pact, he will inform the psiionics we have placed in bases around the island and they will use their devil powers to explode your tiny brains. Sucks, doesn’t it? Oh, and you only have three days. If there isn’t a winner in that time, the psiionics will kill ya’ll and we’ll have to conduct the whole experiment again. Talk about a pain in the ass.”

It’s just psionics. The ii thing is just Sollux’s quirk.

Hm. Some interesting changes in the setup here, though I’m not sure how well it serves the story to have stuff taken off the table like this. A lot of the fun of Battle Royale was the kids not wanting to play, and it’d be interesting to see how things would work out in a group where people seem more friendly with each other but does involve a lot of trolls who are a lot more willing to kill. Here, they seem to all immediately accept it. And no team ups at all seems pretty boring.

You also haven’t explained why it’s last one standing instead of two teams, and it’s sort of confusing since if this is meant to be a species superiority thing, if one species is wiped out early there’s little point in continuing to fight each other (and if the trolls wipe out the humans in the first hour, then can’t manage to wipe each other out in the next few days, it’ll all happen over again, even though they proved their superiority pretty well). It’d probably make more sense to be something like the survivor being appointed to some position that either a troll or human could fill, since that would keep the element of thinking it’s a good idea to have people keep killing each other to decide who’s the best of the species as well.

Campfire (AR (PM, WV))

Hm, surprisingly dark ending. I wish you’d gone a bit more into what he was thinking.

The Apartment (Slick (Sleuth))

The dynamic between the two of them seems subtly off – I think it’s that they seem way too similar, or even that it’s sort of flipped at points, with Slick being the one enjoying getting Sleuth to punch him, Sleuth’s the witty one and Slick the one who fumbles with lines but is extremely good at violence. place is carpeted, so they don’t hit the ground too hard. Black carpeting. It hides the evidence of Sleuth shoving Slick’s face against it to the naked eye, even if it’s hard to clean. and similarly weird to have it be phrased as Slick being glad of this and not it hiding the evidence of Slick doing that. And Slick being the one to try to tie up Sleuth to get a break in the fighting.

“Fuck, can’t you go any faster?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Sleuth answers.

Also, this just seems laughable after your whole fic is about them hurting each other, and seems like it’s just there because it’s a cliche that pops up in half the other slash fics every written.

There’s also just something irritating about this pairing as kismesis, since it’s not like he doesn’t already have one. It’s a lot more understandable as a redder pairing because at least it’s filling a different niche.

Blood on the Ivories (Droog (Slick))

My, that was gloriously fucked up. I like the balance of viciousness and attachment between them.

Dave, Calmasis (Rose, Zazzerpan)
John (Jake, Aradiacester)
Kid cast
Slick (Sleuth)
Droog (Slick)

One of seven.

Also. Did you know there are at least two superhero AUs where Jake has cueball eggs stuffed up his ass by Lord English?

Why, fandom. Surely you can have more variety in Jake getting eggs stuffed up his ass.

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