5/23 – 5/29

Rubies on Emeralds (Snowman, Droog (Slick))

Under normal circumstances, she would have simply transported herself there with a mere thought, but there was the danger of there being someone there when she arrived.

But she could transport herself close, and that would avoid her other concern of someone noticing her leave her room and start following her.

Slick was infatuated with the girl, despite his hatred for her.

This seems like the core problem with their characterization. The story itself works fine, but instead of writing them as in hate with each other, you’re writing them as in love but also hating each other. You have Slick seeming unafraid and pleased to wake up while she’s carrying him, and Snowman being gentle when he’s unconscious. The only time Snowman hurts him is because she’s tired of what he’s saying, which seems more cranky than enjoying his suffering.

“I’m gonna need to go towel shopping. Again,” he mused aloud. “I swear, I spend more money on replacing towels than I do on food every year.”

Couldn’t he just keep the ruined towels for the next time Slick shows up? Would it annoy him to have them in his house at all?

You know, while trying to think of an analogy for it, perhaps the issue might not be trying to write this as a more typical love-based relationship but the way the characters act like middle schoolers with the intense tension between liking someone and desperately not wanting to admit it. Snowman’s always pulled in two directions about admitting she wants to help him and the bit about not wanting him to die because she hates him comes off as a rationalization, and Slick often does a similar back and forth about if he likes her/does she like him?

Of Past Horrors and Current Changes (Karkat (Slick))

And that you used to be a boy. That, honestly, was just plain bizzare.

Considering that the trolls don’t even have gendered reproduction, would it really be a big deal?

Welp.

So much for the ‘cuddly as a cactus’ statement.

Was this really the same guy that turned into the monster Bec Noir? Or even the same guy that was Jack Noir, the carapace that had stabbed you on multiple occasions?

You’re pointing out here that your characterization is awful. Why are you doing that? If you can tell he’s incredibly OOC, why not just fix that?

This is what’s wrong with a lot of the tumblr headcanon AU stuff. Why is Karkat a girl? Cuz. And here’s Slick but he’s nicer now because the author wants Karkat to have nice things! And it’s a story about…….that. Two characters cuddling while one points out how OOC this all is totally is a story.

Make Him a Member of The Midnight Crew (DD (MC, Condesce))

her almighty condesce

This really should be capitalized and written in full. Condesce is shorthand mostly to make it easier to type in conversation, and even then it’s got that capital letter.

There really isn’t a story here. It’s just Slick announcing they’ll work for the new queen, then the scene where Droog gets the ring that’s got lines taken directly from canon. Everyone read those the first time around.

Of Rust and Royalty (Condesce, Aradiacester)

Ugh.

Reward (Scratch, Aradiacester)

“I’ve been reconsidering my methods,” He says to her

This should be “I’ve been reconsidering my methods,” he says to her because when the dialogue is followed by a speech tag, it’s all treated as part of a single sentence.

Also, Scratch has perfect omniscience, so he can’t really change his mind. He also doesn’t want to find a way to work with the Handmaid, he wants to crush her spirit until she’s so desperate to die she’ll do whatever they want.

The author responded by saying, I know it’s OOC. There’s no way to make this in character without making it rapey and I don’t want to do that.

Secret Goldfish (MOC (MOC, FOC, MOC, FOC, MOC))

Back in March, for an english project, I had to write a short story based on the prompt “A boy doesn’t let anyone see his goldfish because he bought it with his own money” (which is basically what Holden tells us about his brother’s novel in Catcher in the Rye).

I didn’t know how I was gonna write at least 3 pages about that without dying of boredom. My friend suggested schizophrenia, and then I basically made the kid Innovator and his friend became Scofflaw, and you can probably see where I’m going with this.

That it’s original fiction?

You’re taking a set of characters developed in fanon based on reversing half of the canon character’s traits, then you’re writing a pair of new characters with a couple traits of the fanon characters as an original work so it’s something you can turn in to a teacher who doesn’t know anything about the original sources.

The whole business with the talking ominous goldfish and question of exactly how crazy the main character is made for a decent story, but at this point it’s barely even at “original story inspired by fanfic of Problem Sleuth” (and at “original story inspired by fanfic of a webcomic by the same guy as Homestuck” levels of connection to Homestuck, yet that’s listed too.)

Places you’ve been (FOC (Equius))

Okay, so I know OC fics can be boring if it’s not your OC who it is being written about.

That’s not really the issue. OC fics are boring if they assume the reader will care just because the author likes the OC, rather than making the story itself interesting. All characters are someone’s OC.

“Hey.” You said into the phones

Phone, singular.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”

…Jack is a real estate agent?

“Wait, you can’t tell me what to do, I will go back into my old house if I want to and-”

What? She sold it. She can’t go back in when it’s someone else’s property, that’s trespassing.

in fact you’d never seen such a steady, pulsing green light.

It can’t be both steady and pulsing.

Scribe: Make a record of past meanderings Ch1 what’ll be revealed today

Beautifully written snippets. I particularly like A Queen isn’t Good either, but her ending is never quite set in stone.

Ch2 the laws have changed (PM (PM, WV))

I really wish that something like this will come about in the comic.

Ch3 it was crime at the time (PM (Jack, BQ))

Well, given the date it’s unlikely, but I’d love to see more of this AU. Does Jack have any actual goal? What’s BQ’s angle?

Ch4 hero for hire (MOC, FOC)

You develop and show the both of them wonderfully, and the world you describe around them is so vivid.

And I really like most of all he likes the way that every piece of checkers is equal, that it’s every man for himself and not — but that was a line of thought that people were still nervous about pursuing.

Ch5 from the line to the throne (BQ (WQ))

You will deliver your kingdom from the alien usurper, or your life is worth nothing.

This is really tantalizing – does she actually have any plan, or is it pretty futile but she won’t accept any other option? And the question of what WQ’s answer would be.

not one small atomic bomb (not anything at all) (Lots)

You might be wondering why I made this fic a series instead of chaptering it – the answer to that question is mostly the fact that I was having technical difficulties, but also because they feel like completely different parts of a whole, to me? They don’t really feel like chapters, more like… Sections. Hopefully it doesn’t impede your enjoyment of the story as a whole!

When all or most (I can’t tell) of the plot of this is the second piece to something you introduced in the first, yeah, it does and yeah, it should’ve been posted as a chapter because that’s what it is.

Characterwise, this is confusingly OOC. I’m not sure if it’s because you’re importing chunks of Avengers characterization into the Homestuck characters or it’s just that you were more interested in changing them to fit your AU circumstances than changing the AU to let them end up the same people, but either way, they’re original characters with a couple shared traits, and ones you don’t really bother developing coherently. Maybe you developed them better in the first chapter and this is supposed to build on that, but you posted this under the impression it was stand-alone enough.

Prompt and Circumstance (HB (Nepeta))

Aw, the two of them are surprisingly cute together, and Boxcars makes a surprisingly amount of sense as a canon shipper.

Snowman, Droog (Slick)
Karkat (Slick)
DD (MC, Condesce)
Condesce, Aradiacester
Scratch, Aradiacester
MOC (MOC, FOC, MOC, FOC, MOC)
FOC (Equius)
PM (PM, WV)
PM (Jack, BQ)
MOC, FOC
BQ (WQ)
Lots
HB (Nepeta)

8 of 13. Let’s hope that’s a trend and not an aberration.

Currently… Page 941. I was hoping doing reviews during the week would help, but I guess I didn’t do enough.