Last time on shiny sociopaths, the Sidereal death squad sadly hasn’t found Yushuv yet.

Now it’s back to our non-shiny sociopath. Ratcatcher has been accosted.

Hanging from the ceiling by a whiplike prehensile tail was a creature akin to a monkey, but hairless and wizened. Its arms and legs were so long as to remind him of some sort of spider

Ratcatcher is in an even more boring section of the Labyrinth. This part is covered in smooth
green tile the color of jade even though jade comes in more than one color and this is pretty important in Exalted because it tells you what element the jade’s associated with. Also, this is way, way too perky for the Labyrinth. Thus far we haven’t had a single area that looks like what’s supposed to be the default, all-black stone passages.

The hairless monkey spider ghost wants to know whose Ratcatcher is. Ratcatcher says who he is, and the monkey points out it that if it gave a fuck about that, it’d have asked that, and it didn’t. It only cares who he belongs to.

Oh, monkey, Ratcatcher really isn’t smart enough to understand that if it isn’t spelled out! I mean, do you know what he thinks looking at you? While the shriveled thing guarding the way didn’t look dangerous, appearances could be deceiving in the Labyrinth. Can you believe it? In the underworld, where all of the powerful ghosts can change their appearance to anything they want at will and power is completely unconnected to physical muscle, he thinks appearance is just sometimes decieving.

You know, I think I’ve figured it out. There’s only one reason Ratcatcher hasn’t been eviserated and the shard stuffed into someone more competent, and it’s because they don’t have the shard’s monstrance. That’s where the shards return after their host is killed. Without it, the shard will default to normal exaltion behavior, which is to run around seeking whoever qualifies by its standards. For an Abyssal shard, that’s someone in the instant of death – possibly also dying in the process of being heroic, but possibly not, I don’t believe canon ever said if any of the original Solar programming was intact. Deathlords can send the shard into anyone dying without them needing to qualify on any other points, at least, though I think one of the later writers retconned that into them needing to be suitable exalts. But that’s way less fun, so screw it.

So either Ratcatcher has a shard poached from from another deathlord or it’s just a free one, so killing him means that probably, a different deathlord will end up with the new Abyssal. They’re only keeping him around to deny an Abyssal to anyone else, in other words. It’s the only explanation, because good god does he suck.

Monkey continues to be mildly creepy and repulsive. Ratcatcher says that he’ll say who he works for if it does the same. This is really pathetic. Abyssals are not exactly the top of the pecking order, but they’re pretty far up. Even if Ratcatcher’s a lowly semibyssal, the Prince of Shadows isn’t someone to trifle with, so there’s no reason to try to avoid the name.

I am called Crothos, and I serve Rhuxus the Devouring One, She Who Bears Many Names In Darkness.

This would be what I’m pretty sure is the only female character in the book who isn’t serving a guy. I have no clue what the fuck it’s supposed to be. The name style resembles a primordial, but not a neverborn – the reason the deathlords and Abyssals are running about using titles after losing their names is because it’s what happened to the neverborn, so it can’t be Name the Whatever, just the Whatever. About the only thing that fits is some behemonth’s ghost, and those are generally not this intelligent. Certainly it shouldn’t be deliberately fucking with the neverborn’s servants.

Monkey explains that he’s been in her territory for some time now and she’s not happy about it, although he capitalizes all Her pronouns. Does this mean something? Who knows.

Ratcatcher makes an effort to explain what Rhuxus is, but like I said, it doesn’t fit anything:

Rhuxus, though, had a particularly unpleasant reputation. It was said that She manifested as a vast lake of boiling pitch, which flowed hither and yon through the caverns and passageways She ruled, devouring everything in its path. It was also said that she had no love for the Prince of Shadows, as she made war on the dead gods he served.

The behemonths were on the primodials’ side. Basically everything was, what with them being the creators of all reality. There were some that were neutral, and plenty that were just animals and didn’t really have opinions, but very, very little was actually on the human side, and honestly, wouldn’t have done much good if they were. Exalts are terribly powerful and all, but there’s a reason they were designed to autorespawn. These super powered, reality breaking guys were designed to zerg rush the primordials to death, because the primordials are that fucking powerful.

Anyway, Ratcatcher figures he’s fucked. This is because he sucks. The Abyssal books even say that while it’s common to get accosted by ghosts serving some group or another, they’re basically speedbumps. The only threat they serve is as tattletales – if you murder them, they’ll reform and tell you did it, and whoever controls the area might give you trouble later. But Ratcatcher’s a measely semibyssal, so he thinks this is bad.

Monkey thinks his horse is cool. Semibyssal says that wow he’d love to give it to Ms. Devouring One to sate her hunger but it’s not his but the Prince’s, see, so…

“Her hunger will never be sated, cur, until She has devoured all of Creation.

I don’t see how she’s in opposition with the neverborn, then. They’re pretty pro-devouring-creation.

Does the Prince keep you for your wit and counsel, or merely to beat you upon his whim?”

Surely that’s obvious by now.

Ratcatcher says (bluffs?) that his master totally appreciates him. Monkey says that if so, why’d he tell Ratcatcher to come this way? Ratcatcher says the Prince didn’t, this fuckup is all his own brilliant doing.

Meanwhile, he starts internally flipping out about what if the Prince did in fact give him as a gift. Well, that’d be dumb, because your physical body is really not much different than a human – I mean, okay, you’re high essence, which may or may not count when it comes to whatever she’s eating, but point is, the part that makes you valuable is the fact you’re a Solar tier exalt and there’s only a hundred of you guys running around, and that bit of you isn’t going to be eaten. An Abyssal’s sacrifical value should be so much less than their actual value.

Also, it doesn’t make sense because as he says, the Prince didn’t send him this way. But he starts considering what if the Prince secretly influenced him in the dream is that possible blah blah which is missing the point – if the Prince of Shadows had told him to go this way, he would have, so why would the Prince have bothered with anything more subtle? It doesn’t matter if he could, he has no need of it.

He says that getting sacrificed at the Prince’s sayso is one of the many bargains each Deathknight in the Prince’s service made, understood, and accepted. So now the Prince has many Abyssals under his thumb. This is what I mean about it making so, so much more sense to assume he’s a deathlord. Also, no, bullshit. An Abyssal makes one bargain, and it’s chosing to damn the world for a chance to keep breathing a bit longer. Anything further is going to get forced on you. Going on about how Serving the Prince brought with it power, instruction in matters arcane, and many other benefits is missing the point.

Anyway, so, Ratcatcher frantically tries to figure out how to escape, because as we’ve established, he sucks.

Running was an option, though he suspected that Crothos had friends hidden in the near vicinity.

Oh no the ghost might have a couple other ghosts around!!! Why that might end up being a whole ten seconds of combat.

Ratcatcher mostly doesn’t go with this because the ceiling is too low to ride the horse. So, he sadly turns to plan B, handwringing all the while about if the monkey thing really is acting on the whatever-she-is’ orders.

All of this depended, of course, on the notion that the beast had been lying, and that no bargain had been made.

It actually didn’t make any such assertation, it was speculating on why you were here and suggested that as a possibility. But hey, keep being a failure.

Anyway, this is stupid. It makes no sense to worry about if she’ll be extra pissed off. Ratcatcher, it doesn’t matter, you said she hates the guy you work for and you figured she’d kill any of his servants. That means you aren’t planning on going into her territory again and she’d probably kill you if you did so either way. Just do it already.

Actually, he does one better. He punches the monkey thing away and smacks the horse’s flank to get it running ahead of him first, then begins the fight. If Ratcatcher wasn’t a semibyssal I’d consider this downright clever planning. But he is, so he really shouldn’t need clever planning to easily handle all this.

The two grapple because we’re never going to see Ratcatcher actually use the damn sword are we, and he decides to snap its back because ghosts totally need working spines to function.

he poured his very Essence into the act of crushing the life from the thing besetting him.

A) It’s already dead, moron.
B) You should not need to dump a pile of essence into something so basic.

Arguably B is Ratcatcher using an excellency, but who cares, excellencies are boring. It’s why they don’t get interesting flavor text, you’re not supposed to dramatically describe the act of purchasing extra dice.

Anyway, so, Ratcatcher kills it.

“Marvelous,” he said bitterly. “Now to find my horse.”

Ratcatcher is whiny and never satisfied.

Right then the Devouring One shows up, talking in ALL CAPS. It’s a shame we haven’t seen any sign of neverborn or yozi, because I’m curious if they’d do the same.

But anyway, so, lake of boiling pitch is now everywhere and chatting. She points out that hey, killed her servant.

“It claimed it spoke Your mind, Devouring One, when clearly You would not stoop to having one so lowly as Your agent. Such arrogance should be punished.”

This isn’t D&D and no one is Lawful Evil and pleased by ridiculous hairsplitting excuses. On the brighter side, the Devouring One does indeed say a shorter version of this to shut him up.

She says she totally could eat him (and she totally could because Ratcatcher sucks and this book hates charms, so no perfect defenses for him!) but she won’t because…she’s suddenly decided she wants to be BFF with the Prince of Shadows, because the author says so dammit. So she’s gifting him with the life of his servant. Also, Ratcatcher better have some good offerings next time she sees him.

He paused, as a thought struck him. “But what if I do not pass this way again? I would not see You await your sacrifices in vain.”

I have no idea why in the hell he says this. I’m pretty sure it’s just to set up the next line, where she ominously says she knows he’ll return because all things do.

Anyway, Ratcatcher’s life is endless failure, so by his standards, he figures this is a win and takes off humming.