We now have to talk about Fates‘, for lack of a better term, “plot”. It is an, uh, experience. Here’s the short version:

Prologue

The player character (default name Kamui or Corrin depending on region) literally wakes up to the sight of their maids waiting on them hand and foot. Off to a great start. We’re told Corrin has spent their entire life locked up in a fortress, but now that they’ve come of age their dad is willing to let them visit the capital! Which looks like this:

Their dad then gives them a sword that literally glows with evil…

…and tells them to execute some POWs to prove their strength, providing us with a tutorial battle. Even though this franchise built its identity on permadeath, the prisoners don’t die when we reduce their HP to 0, because despite being raised in this ludicrously evil empire Corrin Just Knows executing prisoners is wrong. Their dad kills half the prisoners anyway, but it’s okay they didn’t have names. We then learn Corrin is suicidal because they throw themselves in front of Evil Dad’s next attack, thus saving the prisoners who have names. Corrin’s brother, who also Just Knows executing prisoners is wrong but is a bit smarter, pretends to kill the prisoners but just knocks them out, deferring Evil Dad’s wrath. I say “a bit” smarter instead of “a lot”, because he then lets the prisoners free so they can rejoin the enemy and kill more of their soldiers.

Evil Dad is still mad, so Corrin’s siblings beg him to spare Corrin. Evil Dad says outright, “If you were anyone else I’d kill you, but as my child you get special privileges.” You’re then told to investigate an abandoned border fortress under the supervision of an obviously evil chaperone. Shockingly, the fortress is not abandoned after all. How could Evil Dad lie to us??? Corrin elects to retreat, given they are horribly outnumbered, but Evil Chaperone immediately charges the enemy, provoking a fight.

Here’s what the battlefield looks like. Notice that there are no enemies behind Corrin, meaning there is nothing stopping them from retreating anyway. Having established that Corrin objects to killing people and already gave the order to retreat, what do you think they do at this point? If you guessed “slaughter them to the last man”, you’d be right! They just have no choice, you see. Corrin is forced to retreat anyway when reinforcements arrive, making this even more pointless.

On the way back, Evil Chaperone reveals he also has mastered the power of not dying when his HP reaches 0, and proceeds to kill Corrin’s retainer. This makes Corrin flip out and activate their Mary Sue powers, but they hold back from killing Evil Chaperone because they’re a wuss. Evil Chaperone reveals that, obviously, he was doing this on Evil Dad’s orders, but Corrin refuses to believe Evil Dad could possibly be evil. Then the Evil Sword their Evil Dad gave them proceeds to throw them off a cliff. But don’t worry, it turns out their maid is actually a flying dragon who swoops down to save them! Also, the dragon teleports Corrin to a pocket dimension that exists outside of time, because we really needed a diegetic explanation for the base camp mechanics. Then Corrin returns to the real world and immediately gets their head cracked open by an enemy soldier.

I want to pause at this point and explain that we are currently at the third chapter, and the plot is already this bonkers.

Tragically, Corrin survives and wakes up in the Good Kingdom, where everyone is nice because Corrin is actually their sibling who was kidnapped as a baby. Corrin has no memory of this, but everyone trusts them with weapons (including the evil sword that literally just tried to kill them) and brings them to the next battlefield, where we learn Nohr uses literal undead monsters to bolster its ranks and attack civilians, but Corrin still refuses to believe Nohr could be evil.

The next day, Corrin’s Evil Sword turns out to be a suicide bomb and blows up, killing their mom and a ton of civilians. Corrin flips out and transforms into a dragon — yes, you’re the dragon this time!

But before you get too excited, be aware that you look like an emaciated deer and can only use melee attacks, because we can only let you be the most boring of dragons.

After Corrin slaughters all their enemies, they can’t stop rampaging, because they can’t control their dragon rage! Oh no! Fortunately, Mysterious Waif shows up to reveal she conveniently had a dragonstone just sitting around, so Corrin is fine. They also finally remember the dark truth that… the Hoshidans were telling the truth and Nohr really is evil. Whew, good thing we cleared that up.

The Nohrians immediately invade and beg Corrin to come back to them, even though they confirm they always knew Corrin was Hoshidan and have been gaslighting them their entire life. They promise that they’re totally still the good guys because they want to avoid “unnecessary bloodshed” by conquering their neighbors swiftly and efficiently.

Fire Emblem Fates: Birthright

If you make the only sensible choice and side with the people who are objectively in the right, your Nohrian family proceeds to prove you even more right by immediately trying to murder you.

Corrin: Tell me. If King Garon thinks of me as family… how could he have orchestrated this attack? I could have easily been killed along with Queen Mikoto. The truth is that I was just a pawn. Collateral damage. King Garon was willing to sacrifice my life in pursuit of his agenda. Face it, Xander—Garon is no longer human. He’s pure evil.
Xander: Father… evil? How could you say that, little [prince/princess]?

I kept expecting there to be a reveal that Garon was using mind control to command this insane loyalty. But nope, no such thing, everyone really is just that stupid.

Birthright is billed as the easy version designed for newcomers, even though that seems counterintuitive given you’re playing as the underdogs fighting against the relentless evil empire. But, uh, sure. Maps are much simpler, enemies are weaker, and you can grind indefinitely so there’s no real challenge.

Anyway. The Hoshidans successfully repel the invaders and retreat to a border fortress, whereupon they’re immediately attacked by another invasion force. It’d headed by someone claiming to be Corrin’s best friend, but Corrin has no memory of this. After the battle, Corrin is convinced despite still not remembering him and recruits Definitely Not A Spy into their ranks, because they’re an idiot. Shockingly, it turns out… he’s not a spy, he really was their childhood friend, and there’s never any explanation for why Corrin doesn’t remember him. Okay then.

The Hoshidan army decides to beseech a neighboring clan for aid, but Nohrians use illusion to trick them into killing innocent people. The leader agrees to hear them out, but only after a fight, because this is a video game. In the next chapter Corrin runs into Zola, another cackling evil Nohrian illusionist, but Corrin refuses to kill him because they’re a wuss. They’re also an idiot because once again they allow the enemy soldier into their ranks, but this time he doesn’t appear in the playable roster so it’s painfully obvious this one really is a spy. Zola proceeds to demonstrate he’s the smartest character in the cast with the galaxy-brain play of deliberately taking a hit for Corrin to make everyone trust him, knowing he’d be okay because they have plenty of healers on hand. Unfortunately even his intelligence has limits, because the first chance he gets he runs over to Garon, who to the surprise of no one kills him anyway.

Corrin proceeds to cut a bloody swath through Nohr, including killing an innocent tribe of werewolves because they’re once again incapable of just retreating once provoked. Their Nohrian siblings repeatedly show up to say stuff like this:

Camilla: I promise to save our precious Corrin. Once I’ve killed all [their] friends, [they’re] sure to remember [their] true family. Right? Right!

…But Corrin refuses to consider that maybe their siblings are also evil. Once Corrin reaches the capital they encounter their baby sister, who promises she’s totally on their side and will help them kill their evil dad if they just follow her into this secret passage where no one can hear them scream. Despite being betrayed by all their other siblings, Corrin agrees to this obvious ploy… except it’s not a ploy, she really does want to help. (Not enough to actually participate in battles, though.) She proves this by throwing herself on Big Bro’s sword in an attempt to keep you from killing each other, but Big Bro decides to spit on her dying wish and fight you to the death anyway, so she died for nothing.

Then you fight Evil Dad, who is evil. In case you weren’t clear on this point, the writers have you covered:

Yes, that’s a real screenshot. The script writers literally wrote out “(laughs evilly)”.

After you kill him he turns into a dragon and kills Corrin, but Corrin punches their way out of the afterlife and kills him again.

Garon: You’ve just sealed your fate. Prepare to die. I’ll cast your soul into the eternal darkness of Nohr! Soldiers! Surround them!
Corrin: Wrong. Blazing Yato gives me the power to bring light to your kingdom of darkness! Your reign is practically over, Garon!

Seriously, was this written by 12-year-olds?

Finally, we get an epilogue where the newly-crowned monarch vows to uphold equality (lol) and everyone forgets Radiant Dawn happened.

Ryoma: We have made peace with the kingdom of Nohr! I know some of you here today probably find it hard to swallow.

If only there was another entry in this franchise that taught us how people will not, in fact, swallow this.

Ryoma: We won’t easily forget how many lives were lost to Hoshidan blades…

“Like that tribe of innocent werewolves we slaughtered for completely avoidable reasons.”

Ryoma: All we can do to atone is prevent such a war from ever happening again.

And then all problems were solved forever because it’s not like we made a whole game deconstructing this exact sentiment. Did Intelligent Systems surgically remove all knowledge of the Tellius games from the writers?

Fire Emblem Fates: Conquest

Oh, you thought we reached the end of the line? No no, friends. The crazy train has only just left the station. Birthright was stupid and juvenile, but at least the premise made logical sense — Hoshido is objectively in the right and Nohr is not only evil, they specifically tried to kill you. Siding with Hoshido is the only sensible choice to make.

So what if you decide screw it, let’s be Stupid Evil?

Corrin: I’m sorry, Ryoma, but I will not fight for Hoshido.
Ryoma: How can you say that?! Open your eyes! Can you not see how vile those Nohrians are? They’re hateful fiends who wish to trample Hoshido! They killed our mother!
Corrin: It’s not that simple… I know what the Nohrian kingdom has done to Hoshido is unforgivable… And I know now that these are not my brothers and sisters by birth… Yet even still, I must side with them. My heart won’t allow me to do otherwise.

[…]

Corrin: Please, stop this madness! Both of you! Xander, I beg of you. Let it go for now. We must return to Nohr right away. There has been enough senseless death on this day…
Leo: I’m afraid retreat is not an option.
Corrin: Leo? Why would you say that?
Leo: If we retreat, they’ll think we fear them. Or worse, that we coerced you into joining us. This is our chance to prove beyond a doubt that you chose us of your own volition. We have no choice but to stand our ground and fight!
Camilla: I agree with Leo. After all, we’ve done nothing wrong. Why should we flee? You’re one of us, Corrin. that’s worth fighting for!
Elise: Don’t worry, Corrin! Everything’s OK now that we’re together again! If we all try our hardest, there’s no way we can lose!
Corrin: Is that really what you want? Leo, Camilla, even Elise…

Sorry, you don’t get to be evil! We’re still going to insist you’re a good guy even after you chose to help the evil empire murder innocent people. You’re really sad about how you have to kill everyone, you see. That makes it okay, right?

Then you immediately run back to the guy who tried to kill you. What’s hilarious is that even Garon recognizes how little sense this makes:

Garon: Corrin… has returned?
Corrin: …Hello, Father.
Garon: What are you doing here, [child]?! Why did you come back?
Corrin: F-Father! I…
Elise: Father! How could you say such a thing?
Garon: Do you take me for a fool, Corrin? My spies are everywhere. I know you’ve been at Hoshido castle this whole time. No doubt their filthy queen filled your head with all manner of secrets about your birth. A poor little [prince/princess] of Hoshido abducted at a young age by the forces of Nohr. You are surely now aware that the royal family of Nohr is your enemy by birthright. Yet you came back, all the same. I can’t help but wonder why.
Iago: Hmmm… smells like treachery! Betrayal! [They’ve] surely sided with the enemy. Could it be [they’re] planning to assassinate you, King Garon? It’s only logical…
Corrin: NO! How could you say that?! I would never do such a thing!

“I could never kill my dad just because he’s an evil mass murderer! I’m still the good guy tho.”

Garon then orders Big Bro to kill Corrin, but your family somehow still needs convincing that Garon is evil. Big Bro refuses, so Garon literally prays to God to fix this plot hole. “God” says Corrin needs to go on a blatant suicide mission and then Garon will totally forgive them. Corrin decides to embody the phrase, “Fool me twice, shame on me,” and accepts. Fortunately, Garon barely waits for them to be out of the room before cackling about how he just wants to get Corrin killed, which the siblings overhear, so they ride to Corrin’s rescue.

The suicide mission is to put down a rebellion. Obviously the rebels object to this, so you fight them. However, Corrin reveals they have discovered a power the Hoshidans lack: Reducing enemies to 0 HP without killing them. This is how you can still be the good guy: You fight battles exactly the same as always, but somehow, you never kill anyone. (Your units still die when their HP hits 0, of course.) It makes for some truly baffling ludonarrative dissonance.

Baby Bro’s retainers also show up to gloat about how evil they are, but it’s okay because you convince them not to kill anyone:

Niles: Is there a problem? When can we start inflicting pain?
Corrin: Um, no offense… I’m happy you came to help and all, but you’re creeping me out. Besides, I would like to settle this dispute with as little bloodshed as possible.
Niles: So we can inflict pain so long as it doesn’t cause bloodshed? Interesting challenge…
Corrin: No. Just…no.
Odin: But I prepared at least a dozen torturous moves just for today! I named them all, too. They might be my best names yet…
Corrin: I’m very sorry for the, um, inconvenience, but I’m going to have to put my foot down.

At this point Garon gives up and decides to let Corrin live even though they defied his explicit orders. He sends Corrin on another mission, where we discover that our betrayal spurred a splinter faction of Hoshidans to panic and imprison Mysterious Waif, conveniently giving her an excuse to prove them right and betray her loving adoptive family. “Perhaps with our powers combined we can end this senseless war,” she says, after choosing to side with the evil emperor who started this senseless war.

Hinoka: Azura?! Is that really you?
Azura: Hello, Hinoka.
Hinoka: Thank goodness you’re safe! I was so upset when I heard you were missing. I’m sorry we couldn’t stop those rogue soldiers from taking you away. You must have gone through a lot of pain and suffering, but it’s over now. Come on back to Hoshido with me, I’ll keep you safe from the Nohrians.
Azura: I’m sorry, Hinoka. I cannot return to Hoshido with you.
Hinoka: What?! Why would you say that? Y-you’re not really siding with the Nohrians, are you? Say it isn’t so…
Azura: I am. I will never forget the kindness your family showed me… I bear you no ill will, but even so, I have chosen to fight alongside Corrin.
Hinoka: So you’re to betray us too? …So be it.

This would have been so simple if the Hoshidan royals did betray her, but no, they explicitly say they tried to protect her, yet she betrays them anyway. But we’re still the good guys!

Corrin: This is Nohrian territory. I won’t allow the Hoshidans to take our homeland from us!

“It’s okay when we take their homeland from them, though!”

Then you meet the Wise Sage so he can upgrade your Magic Sword of Destiny, but oh no, Evil Henchman shows up to demand you prove your evilness by killing the innocent sage! Fortunately the sage kills himself to spare you from making a difficult moral choice, because that’s so much more interesting. Garon, determined not to let Corrin keep the idiot ball all to themself, inexplicably accepts this outcome despite Corrin explicitly refusing his orders.

We get some more unhinged evil retainers…

Peri: I’m Peri! P for pulverize, E for eviscerate, R for ruin, I for impale! Kee hee! Laslow and I are Lord Xander’s retainers. He’s really worried about you! That’s why he sent us to kill things on his behalf. Best job ever!
Corrin (smiling fondly): That sounds like Xander.

…and put down another rebellion, but this time Garon sends Evil Chaperone along to ensure the rebels get massacred. Instead of executing their subordinate for flagrantly violating their orders, Corrin just meekly lets this happen.

Corrin: Is this the world Father is building? Is this what I’ve been fighting for?

Then the Hoshidans attempt to assassinate Garon. Instead of recognizing this would solve everyone’s problems, Corrin stops them because killing is wrong uwu.

Kumagera: Back away if you wish to live. This war ends now… And the way to peace begins with the Nohrian king’s death.
Corrin: You intend to buy peace with death? That’s madness!

Garon continues to be cackling evil and Corrin is shocked, just shocked, to discover this:

Corrin: Killing innocent people for our own benefit…for selfish glory and control… Is that really the Nohrian way? Is that really the legacy you wish to leave behind?!
Garon: You finally understand, though you still fight it. I desire only to rule Hoshido. I, and those who follow me, will do whatever it takes to achieve that. I don’t care if the peons that fill our towns don’t trust us. They are nothing to me. Those who disobey will die. The rest will quickly learn.
Corrin: !!

[…]

Corrin: Is it even possible to change things from the inside? Sometimes I wonder if siding with Nohr…was a mistake. Should I have sided with Hoshido? Helped them take down Father?

Yes.

However, they’re too much of a wuss to kill their evil dad because ~family~ uwu. Fortunately, Mysterious Waif shows up to assure you that don’t worry, he’s not your dad! I mean you already knew that, but he’s double not your dad, because he’s actually a demon wearing your dad’s skin as a suit, and that makes it okay to kill him! She can prove it with a magic crystal she brought back from another dimension that shows Garon looking like a gross goo monster. Corrin believes all of this without question, but given their actions up to this point, that’s hardly surprising. Then she explains that to kill Garon, they first need to give him everything he wants.

Corrin: You’re right. I see that now. we must stop Father so such things never happen again. I can’t do it without Xander and the others, though. They need to know. Ugh, but how do I explain all this to them? Will they even believe me? I don’t know where to begin, and what’s worse, I can’t mention that other world!
Azura: Hmm… There might be a way to show them, but it’s risky…
Corrin: What do you have in mind?
Azura: We’ll have to conquer Hoshido. Win the war in King Garon’s name. Once we’ve won, all we have to do is get Garon to sit on the Hoshidan throne.

No, really. See, the Hoshidan throne is magic and reveals peoples’ “true form”, and only by seeing Garon isn’t human will our siblings be willing to murder him. The death threats, war crimes, and cackling about how much he loves being evil were fine, but being a goo monster? That’s beyond the pale! And we can’t just get more crystals to show everyone because *mumble mumble*.

So that’s how the rest of the plot plays out: You cut a bloody swath through Hoshido and give the evil emperor everything he wants because that’s just the only way to convince your siblings he has to die. We’re told that Garon underwent a massive personality change (thus why the royal family thinks they can fix him), but no one finds that suspicious enough to revolt over or even investigate. No, only if he’s a goo monster can we kill him.

Oh, and along the way you murder another tribe of furries, but this time I can’t wholly blame Corrin.

Kaden: Hmmm… I’d really like to trust you. You have an honest face for a human. But as village chief, it’s my job to protect everyone, I can’t risk it. I love my people too much… Even though I hate fighting, for them I will. I’m really sorry about all this.
Corrin: That makes absolutely no sense!

For once I have to agree with Corrin. “It’s my job to protect everyone, which means endangering them in unnecessary fights!” This results in you actually killing them, because Corrin’s magic nonlethality powers don’t work on furries, apparently.

Towards the end you discover that Zola, truly the best character, has successfully captured the Hoshidan royal family. Instead of using this to force Hoshido’s surrender and end the war bloodlessly, you let them free to prolong the war even further, which directly results in the death of Ryoma. (Once again Evil Henchman demands “If you’re so evil, kill this puppy!” and once again the puppy kills himself to spare you to trouble.)

I’d really like to know how the Nohrian royals broke the news to everyone after this. “Hey, so I know it looks like I just killed my dad to usurp the throne, but actually, he was possessed by an evil goo monster, so it’s cool. I’m totally human though. I can’t prove any of this, just trust me.” I’m sure all the soldiers who were cool with indiscriminate murder will be fine with this abrupt 180 in policy after the previous king’s mysterious disappearance.

Fire Emblem Fates: Revelation

This one was apparently helmed by a different writer. Don’t get your hopes up, though, that just means it’s more boring.

This route is kicked off by Corrin wussing out and refusing to side with anyone. For some reason, only now does Azura explain that the previous two campaigns were pointless because actually everything was the fault of a secret third kingdom, and you couldn’t learn this on the other routes because there’s a magic curse preventing her from talking about it. Yes, really.

Turns out the real enemy is a spooky dragon man who was once benevolent but turned insane as all dragons inevitably do, he’s your real dad and that’s why you have dragon powers, blah blah blah these people can only write one plot. (I’m curious, actually, is “dragons inevitably turn insane” a thing in Asian myth, or did the FE writers make it up? I can’t find any evidence for it in a cursory internet search.)

It’s not even interestingly bad this time. It’s pretty stupid that everyone decides attacking a neutral party who came asking for parlay is a good use of their resources, and it’s pretty funny that the midgame is literally “If all your friends were jumping off a cliff, would you jump off too?”, but once you get to Valla it’s just… blah. We’ve heard this all before. I guess I’m pissed they fridged Scarlet for seemingly no reason except to prevent this route from being a perfect ending, but it’s still objectively the best ending, so what was even the point?

At least you don’t genocide any furries in this one, so that’s a plus.

…

Apparently the devs intended this to be a morally gray story with equally valid reasons for choosing Hoshido or Nohr, which, seriously? I’m genuinely baffled that these writers are adults with, like, careers. They apparently hired a genuine novelist to outline the story, and it still reads like it was written by children. Everyone is an idiot, nothing makes any sense, and the morality is so black-and-white it’s farcical. Speaking of which it’s pretty, uh, interesting that the writers portrayed their own culture as pure and innocent victims who never did any imperialism, no siree. It’s fair for you to criticize Western imperialism, Japan, but you have plenty of skeletons in your closet too.