Dragon Quill

Hey, I’d like to really thank you for this review really helped a lot.

I will be keeping the ages listed, I know a lot of people like to know that, myself included.

Thanks for the tip on the plot holes, I’m rewriting that part so it makes more sense.

Sorry about the overuse of semicolons, I was honestly putting them where I thought it made sense. But I see your and will fix that too.

Dialogue isn’t something I use a lot, so thanks for the help. And I’ll use ‘said’ a bit more :P

Seriously though, a review like this right after I posted my first chapter is a great help, so thank for doing that.

yeah sorry for all of those mistakes. I was really rushing through this one and didn’t bother to proofread it.

OH MY GOD YES. I was getting frustrated waiting for even one review, and then. This. YES. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. THIS SO RARELY HAPPENS. THANK YOU.

Ahem. Anyway. Yeah, I’ve been wondering about the capitalization thing, and what you’re saying makes sense, especially since I don’t capitalize pokemon. I’ll go back and fix that. Gender consistency is something I’ll look out for, but the fluctuation is fairly deliberate, considering even the pokemon world residents themselves don’t know whether to treat them as animals or people. I believe they do the same thing.

I do not use semicolons to ‘indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing’, and I’m sorry you got that impression, because in my opinion deliberately trying to write like you’re intelligent is one step above thesaurus vomit. It is, however, part of my writing style and not something I plan to change. Sorry, not sorry.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that this is the first chapter in a multi-chapter story. Further, it’s the first in a series; it’s mostly a setup, just three chapters. I’d usually not reveal this in advance, but for this I will.

Completely aside from the fact that personality is partially biological, and Ash’s nature isn’t at all unlike a pokemon’s as it is, Ash is going to end up in Pallet Town later. He’ll still meet Delia and Professor Oak and everyone. I know I took a pretty big leap with the pokemon just happening to decide to call him Ash. I attempted to allude to the reason, but basically? You remember the prophecy with the pun on his name, right? Way back in Shamouti? So he’s destined to be called Ash and that’s why. (It’s kind of a sorry excuse, I know.) Anyway, if I wasn’t planning to give him Ash’s personality, he’d indeed be an OC and I would treat him as such.

Oh, one last thing. Related to the previous. Have you ever read Symbiosis, by ConstructiveWriter? This kind of spawned off that and one other pokeraised fanfic I’ve read, it’s where I got the idea and learned the term. I’m quite fond of both of them, but neither addresses what would have happened if humans /hadn’t/ gotten to Ash in time to teach him to speak human, something I plan to explore. There’s also the fact that neither extends past first season, hence why I’m doing episodes – er, arcs, really, which I ought to mention, since I’ll need to change them arcs at a time – by request instead of working through the anime.

Wow, this came out long. A lot of it probably reads as excuses and you might never approve of this story, but I do hope that you stick with it, and I hope you like it. Thanks again for reviewing!

Well thank you for that grammar lesson. I much appreciate you overlooking something I wrote for giggles and out of pure boredom. I guess it ‘never… Should have happened.’ Hehe, you get it? Pun? My name… Yeah im just going to say bye…

Thanks for the stuff! I’ll take into great consideration next time I write.

Really appreciate it!

I see. The only reason I didn’t use said much was because I’ve been told I use the word said way too much, so I’ve been trying to work on that. Thanks for pointing all that out, though, and for the review. I appreciate it.

Thank you for your grammar help, that is actually very useful!

Two things I would like to discuss

1. I capitalize those words because I treat them the same way people treat names, kind of like Titles. (Ivan the Terrible, Catherine the Great etc.)
2. It is intended to be OOC haha. What use would it be just to write about the characters doing the same things as the games? You should see some of the stories I had to read: Steven slaughtering Wattson, etc. I use characters as a starting point: but they are not static characters. I can shape them, grow them, as I wish, as a writer. If you do not enjoy that kind of story, that is perfectly fine.

Again, thank you for taking the time to write a review.

-VoidRayz

Don’t worry, I didn’t exactly plan on it making sense in the first place.

I wasn’t exactly thinking of how much eevee does resemble a cat, so thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t want him to have cat food or anything, so I basically improvised.

But honestly, thank you for pointing all I my oddball things in the story. Out of the few reviews I get, I’m happy that one of them was criticizing and pointing out the many errors I have. I don’t know if I’ll re-write some of the parts, but I’ll definitely take all these things into consideration.

I’m not mad that you pointed my probably crappy way of writing (don’t look at my old stories they’re horrible) but kind of grateful. Or something along those lines.

Yep. I’m kind of dragging this on a bit now.

Thanks for your review. Happyface.

Because I have a habit of capitalizing words I shouldn’t, outside of typing and in. I will keep doing it, because I don’t have the mental capacity to fix it myself.

Yes, I do believe having limited vision in the Pokémon world is more dangerous than both. What if you couldn’t see to your left at all? An attack from the left would kill him very easily, I imagine. Especially since Delia is the ‘Protective mum’ of Ash, because she doesn’t have her husband anymore and is afraid of losing him too. I do thank you with the advice on speech, although I will continue to put quotation marks on thought messages, as that helps the reader distinguish the character taking from the ‘Narrator’.

Honestly, if I were to make an OC Story, I need to be a little more advanced in writing. I just wouldn’t know how to make a OC Main character react to situations accordingly. I just need more experience. Oh, and Pikachu being there isn’t so much of a coincidence. Maybe I will explain it in the AN for everyone else to read, but I assumed that since Oak never found a trainer for the Pikachu, he released it into the wild. Hence, Ash finding it near Pallet.

I suppose I could have went more into detail about Ash acquiring said Pokéball. Actually, I already have an idea for it. Maybe I will fix it up a bit before sending the next chapter out. I am trying to make this story more realistic than the Anime. For example, Misty gives Ash her bike, seeing as he was in trouble. In the Anime, she berated Ash for trying to steal it. Ash actually took the Spearow beating instead of letting Pikachu attack them. All in all, I will make this story a little darker and more realistic than the anime was, or ever will be.

Thank you for the review.

-_SUPERSMASHER4EVER_-

[Your Ash is already an OC, and you’re already having him react differently. The problem is you’re having the same situations happen, which is boring because we’re all familiar with them.]

An OC is an original character. Ash is not an original character. OOC, yes. He reacts differently in the story because of his injury. And yes, the first chapter pretty much retold the first episode in a different way. Doesn’t mean its always going to be like that though. I will throw in different situations than in the Anime.

And no, a OOC character that already exists is not a Original Character.

If I recall correctly, I said that this was my first ever fanfic so please take it easy on me. I’m new to writing and this is the first story I’ve ever written.

#1- The king wasn’t the king just because he was strong. Being King isn’t just about being strong. It’s about honor, will, trustworthiness, pride, etc.

#2- Glaceon wanted to murder the king because she wanted his power and wanted to rule the kingdom.

#3- Glaceon wanted to intimidate the kingdom and sought vengeance for her previous defeat. Nobody went to her side because they were scared of her and she was also evil. The inhabitants of the kingdom weren’t evil.

#4- Lucario didn’t want to steal the crown, he just wanted to protect his home. And that’s mainly why they crowned him, not just because he’s powerful, but because he saved them.

Clearly, this fanfic isn’t for you. And if you don’t like it, that’s fine. But I’d much rather prefer you don’t jump to conclusions on a subject matter that you don’t understand.

This was written in a rush; don’t expect it to put logic into consideration. Quite frankly, this was intended for those who just wanted fluffy shippy feels, not for those who want a logical story line. If you want that from me, then my multi-chapters are probably recommendable. Just not the old ones, because my old fanfiction sucks.
Also, Pokemon names, like it or not, are (at least in our world) considered proper, regardless of who they refer to. Don’t bother arguing this over with me. I won’t budge.

However I must thank you for not simply typing in something like “lol ur riting sux” and submitting it. The fact that you went through the trouble to go through and write this really does make me happy.

Thanks for reviewing, I actually love criticism like this, but I do want to comment back, so I can write out my purpose and work on developing it all clearer.

I don’t mean to capitalize every word having to do with Pokemon. The program I have on my computer is old and when it doesn’t know a word it capitalizes it, and I just have gotten too lazy to do every single little correction, when it is only the name of a species and such.

My dialogue mistakes are mostly just from me hitting the wrong key on the keyboard, and not realizing it until after I already post it. I do know how it all works and the rules, it just is a simple mistake.

The part where I had said “smiling evilly” is because to the vulpix, the pokemon was talking about eating her, so she was on a different side of the spectrum; the whole, the predator has become the prey tidbit.

There are some animals that do go out and hunt down animals not just for meal purposes. Mostly it is a rivalry thing ( ex. lions vs leopards, or chimpanzees gang vs chimpanzee gang), but I just added this detail to make the migthyena more villain-like, you know a lust for killing.

One thing I was quickly trying to do with the vulpix was make her seem independent. She didn’t want help from her family due to always being treated weak since she was smaller then all of her siblings. This treatment also lead to her family not helping her because as already stated, she was treated more like the baby. I also did not say she was equal in power, just that she could fend a little for herself. Most of these things I am talking about are just quickly implied and also rushed because they are. I am just trying to take a break from my other stories and rethink some things. I do this best by stopping what I am doing and starting something new to keep my mind active.

I do know that I need to work a little more on my character development, so I don’t blame you for seeing a little confusion in the runt situation.

I also had chosen to do the four move limit for a reason. I am trying to set a little restriction on my writing to test and see what I can do with it. I really do not like the four move limit, but this also adds some purpose in the plot later on.

Overall, thank you so much for your detailed review! I have seen so many that just say “Good job,” or “I love this story!” I know I have a lot to work on, so I just need this. Feel free to do this ALL the time!