Suckered a revenge reviewer into giving me actual criticism! Like water from a stone, usefulness eventually trickles forth.
St Elmo’s Fire,
A new review has been posted to your story.
Story: Blood is Thicker than Water
Chapter: 1. Chapter 1
From: cadenceheart117 ( https://www.fanfiction.net/u/7852264/ )
Reply URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/pm2/post.php?rwid=256863073
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As much as I would like to say I liked this fanfiction story, and I can clearly see the effort behind it, i would be lying through my teeth. You need to work on your spacing. What you fit here, with some filler, paragraphs purely for detail, and a bit of time spent focusing on individual character advancement, you could easily have fit this into three, maybe four chapters.
That being said, another issues are your characters. They are there, yes, but are really nothing more than talking heads spouting emotions. You gave them little to no depth whatsoever.
I also get the sense that you rushed this out, as if you had a deadline. Buddy, this is fanfiction, there is no deadline. Take your time, and this would flow much easier.
All in all, I can see you tried, but I would give this a 2 out of 10.
Yours truly, Cadenceheart117
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A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/12311847/
I’m not entirely clear what you mean about the characters. Other people felt they had a lot of depth to them, so I’m getting mixed messages here. Could you elaborate? I’m also not sure what you mean about the spacing.
Certainly. In my opinion, even though this was intended as a one-shot, certain characters were not elaborated on enough. Yes, as a one-shot, you don’t have room to totally focus on character depth, as you have to get actual story out. But some characters just seemed…. bland, not used to their greatest potential, and certainly not developed enough. But, if you wish, you can chalk that up to personal choice regarding writing. I’m more used to a series style when it comes to writing, so I may seem a bit biased here.
also in that sense, you can exclude what I said about spacing unless you wished for a longer one-shot. I did not realize it was intended as such, and was expecting this as a chapter based writing instead.
Cadenceheart117
[But some characters just seemed…. bland, not used to their greatest potential, and certainly not developed enough.]
Could you explain more? Which ones?
Sorry I did not respond immediately, I am low on sleep, and needed to take a momentary nap.
I would think bland and not used to their greatest potential would be self-explanatory, no offense. In the beginning, for example, when your character chose rowlet over litten and popplio, despite being familiar with all three. Even if it is a one-shot, I would have expected some sort of reaction from them. But no, you just move on to talking about him battling and his troubles with rowlet. Please note, I do not mean this offensively, I am merely pointing out what I have observed.
Cadenceheart117
[In the beginning, for example, when your character chose rowlet over litten and popplio, despite being familiar with all three. Even if it is a one-shot, I would have expected some sort of reaction from them.]
That’s an interesting point. I hadn’t considered that. Can you point me to stories that do a better job of this so I can see how people do it properly?
Honestly? no, I couldn’t. I tend to stay away from one-offs and the like, generally because I like a story that takes time. Most of my favorites, if you look, are longer stories based around build-up and such. So, in a sense, I could, but it would not be accurate enough to help. My story personally, is going to take a long time to write, as it follows that style as well.
Cadenceheart117
Oh, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding; just because I wrote a one-off doesn’t mean I’m not interested in longer stories too! I’d be happy to read any story that does this scene right, regardless of how many chapters it has in total.Well, after reviewing your other stories, I have found that you like undertale as well! That in mind, I would encourage the fanfic, A new world, A new way, if you’re talking in terms of character exposition. If you’re talking about choosing between starters and such, I’m afraid I couldn’t help you, because of the unique way you did it. Every story I’ve read where someone had to choose between starters, they didn’t know the pokemon beforehand. You, on the other hand, wrote that he knew all personally, which would leave room for an emotional reaction. That being said, I would recommend the fiction, Solar Embrace. It does not focus on starters, and does not even focus on pokemon, but rather my little pony. Before you completely disregard this as most, I urge you to consider more than what its based around; the quality of writing, the general idea behind it, it suits it perfectly. But, I guess in the end, its up to you! Please note, and this is just an afterthought, that the fiction is, as some call it, ship based. Though, I would hope that doesn’t discourage you.
-Cadenceheart117
[ That in mind, I would encourage the fanfic, A new world, A new way, if you’re talking in terms of character exposition.]
I didn’t realize we were. So are you saying you found my story bad at character exposition the whole way? Then, could you point to a different scene you feel was particularly badly done, and a fanfic that does that scene better?
[If you’re talking about choosing between starters and such, I’m afraid I couldn’t help you, because of the unique way you did it.
Every story I’ve read where someone had to choose between starters, they didn’t know the pokemon beforehand. You, on the other hand, wrote that he knew all personally, which would leave room for an emotional reaction. ]
Well, if you can’t find anyone else who did it right for me to see, maybe you could write out how you think a better version would go? Right now I’m not quite sure what you’re picturing.
No, when I say character exposition, I mean as a general idea. You do a fine job of it for the most part, this is just in regards to that one part. Which, it honestly could be fixed by adding a little more detail in that one area. Looking back on it, you mentioned that they all knew him, but you didn’t mention his process of choosing one. So, now I add that instead of saying, “He knew all pokemon individually, of course, and it was hard to choose just one after they all jumped into his arms.” and leaving it at that, you could take a few paragraphs to explain their individual reactions to him, and show him choosing rowlet. And, I would provide an example of how I would do it, but I have unfortunately not been able to play sun or moon yet. To put it bluntly: I am poor.
Still, wordwise, this is what you allow for and didn’t attempt, at least from my perspective.
[you could take a few paragraphs to explain their individual reactions to him, and show him choosing rowlet. And, I would provide an example of how I would do it, but I have unfortunately not been able to play sun or moon yet.]
Oh, it doesn’t have to be for Sun and Moon’s setup in particular. Just for the basic setup, what do you think was missing? A few paragraphs is pretty significant, especially considering the length of the story overall, so it sounds like you have a good idea of what you’re picturing.
?oh, sorry, it never notified me of your message for some reason. Give me a moment to think on this and reread as a refresher. Got a bit on my mind. I owe another writer a one-shot, so that’s occupying my time at the moment.
-cadenceheart117
?The best comparison I could give would be for fire-red, or leaf-green. Remember when picking a starter, oak would give a brief description of their personalities. Charmander, for example, was one you’d have to be patient with. That being said, you could have painted a picture with Litten. Show how he thought he would be picked, and instead grew sad, or perhaps even angry when he wasn’t picked. Do the same with Popplio, and you are good.
~Cadenceheart117
Oh, I think I get it now! It’s a shame you didn’t just say that in the first place. It’s a bit weird to compare this to a game where you-the-player and you-the-character are both being introduced to the pokemon, but you’re right that I didn’t think of this.
I’ll keep it in mind if I do a more traditional trainer story, but unfortunately this is meant to focus specifically on Hau, so I didn’t want to get too much into how everyone felt about everything. If I had seen that in another story, I would have expected it to come up in the overall story, but here, the overall story is focused on Hau.
I do know another story that I think sounds more like what you’re saying you want to see: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12709960/1/Another-Verse
Like my story, it’s exploring the characterization of trainers and their pokemon in the setting, but it’s a full, very detailed story that focuses a lot on the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved. It sounds like you’d like it, so maybe drop them a review.
That I will. It is nice chatting with you. I’ll be sure to check it out, and leave my opinion there, and with you. Well, I must go feed my siblings. Have a good night!
~Cadenceheart117
So all my characters are so bland and boring it completely ruins the story, by which they mean this one minor scene could have theoretically had more detail for its bit characters also it doesn’t really matter let’s all be friends now!!! I’m honestly insulted by the spinelessness more than anything else. If you’re gonna poke the dragon, own it.
Your asshole
You meant, “You’re an asshole.”
Half the time it’s complete gibberish so for all we know they meant, “I find this post to be derivative and jejune.”